Feedback Workshop KCDC2018

Arthur Doler
@arthurdoler
arthurdoler@gmail.com
Slides:
Handout:
LEARNING FEEDBACK WITH
LEGO®
The Building Blocks of Giving and Receiving
Feedback
None

LET’S BE LEGAL
LEGO® is a trademark of the LEGO Group
of companies which does not sponsor,
authorize or endorse this presentation.

825 million work-hours spent annually on
performance reviews
That’s 94,000 work-years

51% of respondents said their
performance review was unfair or
inaccurate
25% of employees fear performance
reviews more than anything else at work

Millions of hours of feedback training
… about giving feedback
Push, and push harder

3 types of feedback and 2 types of
mirrors
Feedback labels and unpacking them
Feedback triggers and solutions
The whole feedback conversation

Why we want it
Acknowledgement, belonging
What it’s good for
To acknowledge, connect, motivate,
thank
Pitfalls
Not meeting the three criteria
• Specific
• Authentic
• In a form the receiver values & understands

Why we want it
Improvement, growth, and change
Addressing one of two things – a need
to develop certain skills, or to fix a
problem or flaw in the relationship
Pitfalls
Can be frustrating, met with arguments
or ingratitude, and is not often rewarded

Why we want it
Planning, knowing where we stand
To quantify, clarify, and inform
Pitfalls
Often loud, sometimes hurtful

The Good
Emotionally supportive
Strengthens the relationship
Reinforces self-image
The Bad
Reinforces self-image
Ignores potential issues
Skips teaching moments

The Good
Grows the relationship
Calls out potential issues
Uses teaching moments
The Bad
Not always welcome
Difficult to determine appropriateness
Requires thoughtfulness

EXERCISE 1
Partner
Whomever you’re sitting nearest to
Goals
Try out the feedback types
Experience each side of the mirror types
Time
Build: 15 minutes
Feedback: 15 minutes

“WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?”
… REPEATEDLY

“Be more assertive.”
“You were too laid back.”
“Well, you didn’t…”

If you wanted to follow the advice, could
you do it?

CLARIFY THE CONSEQUENCES AND
EXPECTATIONS

What will happen immediately?
What are you expected to do?
What will happen if you don’t do that?

EXERCISE 2
Partner
The person on the opposite side of your partner from
Exercise 1
Goals
Practice identifying and unpacking labels
Time
Build: 20 minutes
Feedback:10 minutes
DO NOT
SHARE YOUR
INSTRUCTIONS
WITH YOUR
PARTNER!

CRITICAL FEEDBACK TRIGGERS OUR MENTAL
DEFENSE SYSTEMS

Truth Triggers
Relationship Triggers
Identity Triggers

Factually Wrong
Different-Planet Wrong
Used To Be Right
Right According to the Wrong People
Wrong Context
Right for You, Wrong for Me
Actually Correct, but Not Right Now
Unhelpful

You have biases!
Yes, you do.
No really, you do.

93% of American drivers think they are
better than average
90% of managers think they’re in the top
10%
Svenson, 1981 and Myers, 2005

Clarify to the point of absurdity
Dig out implicit rules

What makes sense?
What’s worth trying?
How can you give them the benefit of the
doubt about their feedback?

EXERCISE 3
Partner
Someone you haven’t worked with yet
Goals
Experience truth triggers and solutions
Time
Build: 20 minutes
DO NOT
SHARE YOUR
INSTRUCTIONS
WITH YOUR
PARTNER!

FOR YOUR PLEASURE: A SHORT DRAMA

BOTH CONVERSATIONS ARE IMPORTANT

What we think about their feedback skills
What we think about their credibility and
knowledge
What we think about how much we trust
them

Do they give us appreciation?
Do they give us autonomy?
Do they give us acceptance?

They may suck at feedback …
Is their feedback still right?
They may be inexperienced…
Is their inexperience valuable here?
We may not trust them…
Assume they mean well. Is the feedback
still valid?

“WHO IS THE PROBLEM?”
“WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE?”

1 STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS

“What is each of us contributing?”
“In what ways does the feedback reflect
differences in preferences, assumptions,
styles, or implicit rules between us?”

“DO OUR ROLES MAKE IT MORE OR LESS
LIKELY THAT WE MIGHT HAVE CONFLICT WITH
EACH OTHER?”

“What other players influence our behavior
and choices?”
“Are physical setups, processes, or structures
also contributing to the problem?”

“What am I doing (or failing to do) that is
contributing to the dynamic between us?”
“What parts of the system am I responsible
for?”

DON’T SWITCHTRACK BY FOCUSING ON
WHAT ISN’T YOUR FAULT

LOOK FOR “ME + EVERYBODY”
INTERSECTIONS

IF YOU’RE THE COMMON FACTOR IN A BUNCH
OF PROBLEMS…
THEN GREAT!

EXERCISE 4
Partner
Someone you know well (if possible)
Goals
Experience relationship triggers and their
solutions
Time
Build: 22 minutes
Feedback: 8 minutes
DO NOT
SHARE YOUR
INSTRUCTIONS
WITH YOUR
PARTNER!

HOW YOUR FEELINGS MESS WITH
FEEDBACK

Long Sustain of
Positive
Short Sustain of
Positive
Quick Recovery from
Negative
“I love feedback!” “No big deal either
way.”
Slow Recovery from
Negative
“I’m hopeful, but
fearful.”
“I hate feedback!”

“What do I feel?”
“What’s the story I’m telling myself?”
“What’s the actual feedback?”

FRAME THE FICTION
Restrict time, specificity, and people
Right-size the consequences

CHANGE THE CONTEXT
Imagine you’re an observer
Look back from the future
Cast the comedy

“CAN I CONTROL WHAT OTHERS THINK OF
ME?”

“IS MY SELF-STORY ROBUST OR BRITTLE?”

EMBRACE COMPLEXITY
NEGATIVE FEEDBACK WRECKS ALL-OR-
NOTHING PERSONALITIES

You will make mistakes
You have complex intentions
You have contributed to the problem

EXERCISE 5
Partner
Whoever you worked with in Exercise 1
Goals
Experience identity triggers and their
solutions
Time
Build: 20 minutes
DO NOT
SHARE YOUR
INSTRUCTIONS
WITH YOUR
PARTNER!

CONVINCING SOMEONE THEY’RE WRONG?

Helping you
Helping themselves and the relationship
Helping the organization/family/someone
else

EXERCISE 6
Partner
Anyone you haven’t worked with yet
Goals
Practice the Feedback Conversation
Time
Brainstorming: 5 minutes
Build: 15 minutes

1) Know what type of feedback and mirror
you actually want
2) Get those labels unpacked
3) Be aware of your triggers and the
techniques to defuse them
4) To find solutions, focus on interests and
not positions

1) Is your recipient willing to accept
feedback now (or from you)?
2) Consider your positions and interests
when you open the conversation
3) Unpack labels yourself to help the
recipient
4) Use process moves to deal with conflicts
5) Give people time to deal with their

THANKS
Arthur Doler
@arthurdoler
arthurdoler@gmail.com

Thanks For The Feedback – Douglas Stone &
Sheila Heen
Mindset – Carol Dweck
Crucial Conversations – Kerry Patterson, Joseph
Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Radical Candor – Kim Scott

Feedback Workshop KCDC2018

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