This chapter discusses conflict in relationships and constructive approaches to resolving disagreements. It notes that conflict is inevitable but should not escalate to violence. Happy couples tend to understand each other's perspectives during disagreements and are able to resolve issues, while unhappy couples struggle with these areas. The chapter also examines theories of conflict, strategies for healthy discussions, and parenting approaches to disputes between parents and children or adolescents.

1. Chapter 5
Conflict and Conflict
Resolution

2. 5-2
Inevitable in relationships
Should not escalate into verbal and physical violence
Constructive approaches to settling disagreements
should be adopted

3. 5-3
Relationship Issue Percentage in
Agreement for
Happy Couples
Percentage in
Agreement for
Unhappy Couples
When we discuss problems, my
partner understands my
opinions and ideas
78 20
I can share feelings and ideas
with my partner during
disagreements
78 25
We are able to resolve our
differences
58 12
We have similar ideas about
how to settle disagreements
72 28
My partner takes our
disagreements seriously
54 14
Source: Olson, D., Olson-Sigg, A., & Larson, P. The Couple Checkup. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2008.

4. 5-4
Conflict Issue Percentage of Couples
Having a Problem
Indicated by One or Both
Partners
One person ends up feeling responsible for
the problem
80
I go out of my way to avoid conflict with my
partner
78
We have different ideas about the best way
to solve disagreements
77
Some of our differences never seem to get
resolved
77
We sometimes have serious disputes over
unimportant issues
76
Source: Olson, D., Olson-Sigg, A., & Larson, P. The Couple Checkup. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2008.

5. 5-5

6. 5-6
Fear of negative emotions and difficulty in learning how
to deal with them
Suppression of negative emotions leads to:
• Individuals denying their genuine feelings and not being in
touch with their true emotions
• High levels of stress for individuals and their relationships

7. 5-7
Sociological explanation
• Anger viewed as an indicator of relationship problems
• Individuals are socialized in a way that encourages them not
to show anger
Psychological explanation
• Relationship insecurity
• Interdependence
• Couples struggle to find a balance between dependence on
each other and independence from each other

8. 5-8
Anger is caused by others
Best way to deal with anger is to let it all out
Anger is a beneficial emotion
Anger prevents others from taking advantage of you

9. 5-9
Conflict comes with intimacy
• Differences should be resolved constructively
Balance love and anger
• Too much togetherness: Marriage becomes a form of
bondage
• Too much separateness: Relationship dies from lack of
attention
• Anger is a healthy emotion when it helps create an
interdependent relationship

10. 5-10
Harriet Goldhor Lerner’s metaphor to describe how
human beings relate to each other
• Lerner
• Developed a guide to various styles of anger management
• Argued that people have different needs and feelings about
closeness

11. 5-11
Pursuers
Distancers
Underfunctioners
Overfunctioners
Blamers

12. 5-12
Julien, Chartrand, Simard, Bouthillier, and Begin
conducted a study that compared these groups
• Couples were videotaped while completing tasks designed to
generate couple conflict and encourage supportive behavior
• Study found that there was no difference in the level of conflict or
supportive behaviors between the groups
• Positive communication during conflict was particularly important
for couples in all groups

13. 5-13
Foote, Wilkens, and Kosanke’s suggestions for having a
healthy conversation
• Practicing the conversation in advance
• Thinking through what one wants to communicate
• Choosing a time when the significant other is relaxed and
ready to talk

14. 5-14
16 Strategies (DeFrain)
• Focus on the positive aspects of the other person
• Call a time-out when the situation gets out of hand
• Listen carefully to the other person
• Speak clearly and to the point
• Do not expect the other person to know the problem without
explaining it
• Do not humiliate the other person in front of others
• Find a solution to the problem calmly and rationally rather than
nagging or avoiding

15. 5-15
• Avoid giving ultimatums
• Remain calm, and avoid yelling or throwing tantrums
• Avoid attacking the other person
• Be kind when speaking to the other person to keep the
conversation from becoming nasty
• Do not hesitate to talk about problems
• Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements
• Discuss one thing at a time until it is resolved
• Work as a team to find a solution to the issue at hand that is
good for everyone involved
• Solve the conflict, make things better, and create a peaceful
and harmonious relationship

16. 5-16
Canary and Canary, 2013
• Conflicts between parents and children occur
throughout childhood beginning at about two years
• Common issues for young children are behaviors that are
destructive or harmful to other children, such as hitting or
throwing things
• Distracting, negotiating, or reasoning is best for healthy child
development rather than criticising and threatening
• Conflicts between parents and adolescents also affect the
parents’ couple relationships and can effect into the
relationships with other siblings

17. Chapter 5
Conflict and Conflict
Resolution