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CFD 163-Chapter 4-Communication and Intimacy
This chapter discusses communication and intimacy in relationships. Good communication is key to successful close relationships and involves both skillful sending and receiving of messages. While content is important, so are relationship aspects conveyed nonverbally. Cultural differences also influence communication styles with gestures and eye contact. Self-disclosure builds intimacy but discretion is still valuable. Assertive communication where both partners can express needs respectfully without judgment tends to lead to the most vitalized, intimate relationships.
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CFD 163-Chapter 4-Communication and Intimacy
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- 2. 4-2 • The wayhumans create and share meaning, both verbally and nonverbally • Essential to enjoy close and satisfying relationships • Critical to a successful couple relationship
- 3. 4-3 Communication Issue Percentagein agreement among happy couples Percentage in agreement among unhappy couples I am very satisfied with how we talk to each other 95 15 My partner understands how I feel 79 13 I find it easy to express my true feelings to my partner 96 30 My partner is a very good listener 83 18 My partner does not make comments that put me down 79 20 Source: Olson, D., Olson-Sigg, A., & Larson, P. The Couple Checkup. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2008.
- 4. 4-4 Communication Issue Percentageof couples in which one or both indicated having a problem I wish my partner were more willing to share his or her feelings 76 I sometimes have difficulty asking my partner for what I want 69 My partner often does not understand how I feel 65 My partner often refuses to discuss issues or problems 64 My partner makes comments that put me down 62 Source: Olson, D., Olson-Sigg, A., & Larson, P. The Couple Checkup. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2008.
- 5. 4-5 Women • View communicationas the way relationships with others are sustained • Use communication to build and sustain relationships • Consider sharing emotions a big part of communication Men • View communication as needed to settle a problem, achieve objectives, or to develop a plan • Focus on content in communication • Consider communication necessary to accomplish goals
- 6. 4-6 Different cultures exhibitvarying amounts of talking when it comes to communication Cultural differences are evident in: • Gestures • Greetings • Eye contact
- 7. 4-7 • Internet isused to explore sexual identity and acts as the most helpful resource in the coming-out process • Less likely to ask family members for support • Communicating with extended family members can be complicated when same-sex couples move into a more permanent relationship • Communication can sometimes result in a positive reaction and sometimes not • Experience is likely to be different for same-sex couples than it is for heterosexual couples
- 8. 4-8 Good, positive communicationis: • The hallmark of successful close relationships • Important in every stage of a close relationship • Important across the family life cycle • A complex process and understanding certain principles can help improve interactions with others
- 9. 4-9 Depends on boththe skillful sending and the skillful receiving of messages Linear causality model: There is a direct, or linear, relationship between cause and effect • Interpersonal communication that reflects this model is usually destructive rather than productive
- 10. 4-10 Circular causality model:Denying responsibility for what has happened and for changing it and preventing it in the future • Escalates into conflict Avoid blame game: Focus on working together to find acceptable solutions • Blaming: Competitive endeavor • Genuine communication: Cooperative endeavor
- 11. 4-11 Components of communication •Content or report: Facts, opinions, and experiences people relate to one another • Relationship or command: What an individual conveys about the relationship at hand More subtle than report Conveyed nonverbally
- 12. 4-12 Nonverbal aspects ofspoken communication • Tone of voice, volume, pitch, speed of speech, and rhythm of speech Nonverbal aspects of written communication • Style of writing and the medium Includes facial expressions, eye contact, gestures and other body movements, and spatial behavior • As difficult to interpret as verbal communication
- 13. 4-13 Mixed messages: Discrepancyexists between verbal and nonverbal components • Barrier to real understanding Double bind: Verbal and nonverbal messages relay information that causes conflict about the relationship between the speaker and the receiver • Occurs if the relationship component is unclear • Potential depends on the quality and mood of a relationship
- 14. 4-14 Primary way ofpreventing or unbinding a double bind • Possibility of creating problems in close and dependent relationships • The more dependent the relationship, the greater the resistance to clarify double-bind messages
- 15. 4-15 Occurs when keepingup with the relentless flow of information, ideas, and exchanges When it comes to developing and maintaining intimate relationships, multitasking to keep up with the relentless flow of information, ideas, and exchanges does not work
- 16. 4-16 Self-disclosure: Revealing somepersonal information or feelings that others could not otherwise learn Individual willingly discloses the information with forethought Requires awareness of the information and a predisposition to disclose it Females receive more disclosures from others than men do Helps build closeness and intimacy between people
- 17. 4-17 Self-disclosure and intimacy •Self-disclosure varies with relationships • Motivation for and frequency of disclosure are related to relationship type • Strangers engage in it in structured support groups Self-disclosure in friendships and intimate relationships • May become intimate and personal as friends increase mutual trust and exclusivity • Mutual disclosure helps friendships develop more equally on both sides Jump to Self-Disclosure, Appendix
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- 19. 4-19 There are situationswhere self-disclosure is not helpful even in intimate relationships • Protecting a spouse from distressful information • Abusive situation in which the spouse may feel unsafe in sharing thoughts • Divorced parents might not want to share their honest thoughts about their ex-spouse with their children Even happy couples and families are not completely open and honest all the time • Individuals need to balance openness with discretion, politeness, and other values
- 20. 4-20 Requires suspending judgmentand trying to understand other people • Helps connect with other people and develop genuine emotional intimacy • Minimal importance when the goal is to control others • Listener’s motives or goals Lead by persuading Clarify by directing Discover by attending
- 21. 4-21 Persuasive: Listener looksfor ways to jump in and control the conversation Directive: Attempts to channel conversation and involves less control than persuasive listening • Advantage: Quickly focuses a conversation and allows the questioner to take charge of the dialogue • Disadvantage: In the interest of efficiency, crucial elements of the story are lost Attentive: Lets the speaker talk spontaneously without interruption • Builds trust and rapport • People who practice this are usually described as good listeners
- 22. 4-22 Assertive: Expression ofone’s thoughts, feelings, and desires as a right • Encourages expressiveness rather than defensiveness • Facilitates intimacy between partners • Reflects self-esteem and self-confidence Passive: Unwillingness to say what one thinks, feels, or wants • Does little to enhance either person’s feelings • Creates distance rather than intimacy • Associated with: • Low self-esteem and limited expressiveness • Hurt and anxious feelings • Failure to achieve personal goals
- 23. 4-23 • Focuses onthe negative aspects of people rather than the negative aspects of the situation • Escalates in negative spirals • Leaves partners feeling hurt and frustrated • Creates distance in a relationship Aggressive: Aims to hurt or put down the other person
- 24. 4-24 Assertiveness • Ability toexpress one’s own feelings and desires Self-confidence • Feelings about self and the ability to control things in life Avoidance • Tendency to minimize issues and a reluctance to deal directly with issues Partner dominance • Degree to which a person feels his or her partner tries to be controlling and dominant in their relationship
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- 26. 4-26 Ability to askwhat one wants without: • Demanding it • Infringing on the rights of others Increasing assertiveness: • Increases a person’s self-confidence • Decreases avoidance and perceived partner dominance • Increases the level of intimacy between two assertive people
- 27. 4-27 Avoidance tends tobe highest in people who are passive or nonassertive • Creates problems in close relationships Avoidant couples: • Minimize conflict by agreeing to disagree • Use stonewalling: Shutting out the other person and not responding to her or him
- 28. 4-28 Person A Communication Style Person B Communication Style RelationshipWho wins Level of intimacy Passive Passive Devitalized Both lose Low Passive Aggressive Dominating One wins, one loses Low Aggressive Aggressive Conflicted Both lose Low Assertive Passive Frustrated Both lose Low Assertive Aggressive Confrontational Both lose Low Assertive Assertive Vitalized Both win High
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