This document discusses domestic violence and effective communication. It begins by outlining an agenda on family communication styles and tips. It then describes the four main stress communication styles people use: the placer, blamer, computer, and distractor. Next, it discusses the ideal "leveler" style and provides reminders on good talking habits. Finally, it outlines the typical stages of love relationships from illusion to commitment to power struggles to growth, and discusses how effective communication can help couples progress through the stages.

1. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
SESSION 3
Facilitated by Natalie Rascoe

2. Agenda
• Effective family communication
• Styles of stress communication
• Tips to improve communication
• Benefits of effective communication
• Stages of love relationships
• Triangulation

4. 4 Styles of Stress Communication
• Everyone communicates differently, especially when we
become upset
• Understanding each members’ communication style is
important to create family unity
• Being aware helps us not react negatively due to ignorance

5. The PLACATER
• Eager to please, apologetic
• Says:
• “Please don’t be mad”
• “It’s all my fault”
• Feels inside:
• “I’m nothing by myself”
• “I have to keep the other person happy”
• Believes:
• “I’ll blame myself before you can blame me”
• “Maybe then you’ll feel sorry for me or guilty about yourself”

6. The BLAMER
• Criticizing, accusing, finding fault
• Says:
• “You never do right…”
• “If it weren’t for you…”
• Feels inside:
• “I’m alone. Nobody really likes me.”
• “If you hadn’t done… I wouldn’t have to…”
• Believes:
• Demolish the enemy before they demolish you
• The best defense is good defense

7. The COMPUTER
• Computer like– rigid, insensitive, overly technical, hard
• Says:
• “Let’s be reasonable…”
• “I am not an emotional person…”
• Feels inside:
• “I’m afraid of feelings, yours and mine”
• Believes:
• Showing feelings is a weakness. Hide behind the facts
• “I’ll use big words and a cool manner to impress you.”

8. The DISTRACTOR
• Talkative, spacey, subject-changing, deflecting
• Says:
• “Problem? What problem? Let’s talk about something else…”
• Feels inside:
• “I’m scared of what may happen”
• “I don’t know how to handle this”
• Believes:
• “If I ignore the problem, it will go away or get better.”
• “If I make things fun for your, you’ll accept me.”

9. Which type of ‘stress communicator’ are you?
• You might use different styles under different circumstances
• Think about:
• When was the last time I used one of these styles?
• What kind of things did I say?
• How did the other person react?
• Next time, consider the 5th style of communication…

10. The LEVELER
• Responsible, helpful, understanding, empathetic, mutual
• Says:
• “This is how I feel…. This is what I think…”
• “This is what bothers me… This is what I’m asking of you…”
• Feels inside:
• “I accept myself. I respect the other person and their rights”
• “The relationship wins. Not you or me. I want the best for both of us”
• Believes:
• “I can talk about how things are for me without blaming the other person”
• “I can face and discuss problems instead of avoiding them”

11. REMINDER
Good talking is:
Direct: say what you mean, get to the point
Non-confused: clear, don’t confuse the listener
Specific: include important details, don’t be vague or general
Honest: don’t talk about things that don’t match the facts
Tactful: be polite, don’t hurt someone unnecessarily

12. Remember to show:
• Appreciation: tell the other person something you like that they do well
• Give new information: tell the other person what has happened since you
last spoke that morning. Share things that are particularly important or
interesting so the other person feels a part of your life
• Get New Information: talk about things you don’t understand or need
clarification on from the other person
• Requests for change: identify the specific behavior that is bothering you
and AT THE SAME TIME suggest something better that he/she could do
instead
• Share wishes, hopes, and dreams: talk about the near or far future
so you can help each other achieve what you BOTH want

13. “I” Statements
• One of the best things you can do to improve the way you
communicate, negotiate, argue, or fair fight with people is to replace
“You” statements with “I” statements
• “YOU” statements begin with “You” and comes across like blaming or
attacking the other person
• “I” statements begin with “I” instead and allows the other person to
listen defensively
• “I get angry when you…” “I feel as if you are blaming me when…”

14. Tips to avoid misunderstandings:
• I notice (behavior)
• I assume this means…
• I think…
• I resent…
• I am hurt by…
• I worry about…. Based on (experience)
• I appreciate you for…
• I realize…
• I hope…

15. Benefits of Effective Communication
• Rewarding and happy relationships with others
• Easily build rapport with significant other, friends, new acquaintances
• Getting what you want in a respectful and mutually beneficial way
• More time for yourself and others
• Satisfaction and success in life

16. Failing to Communicate Effectively
• Professional setbacks
• Personal disappointment
• Breakdown of important relationships
• Wasting energy and time on frustration and drama
• Not reaching our full potential

17. 7 Tips to Improve Communication in Your
Relationship

18. STAGES of love relationships
ILLUSION– we are in love and hopeful that everything will be fine and then
something happens and we become disappointed
DISILLUSIONED– when this happens we use what we know from past experience to
try to get what we want. This is the period of POWER STRUGGLE, when our stress
styles come out and unfair fighting is involved
CONFUSION– of what went wrong, how do I change it, anger, pain, disappointment
leak out in different ways such as blame, sarcasm, labeling, name calling,
withholding, silent treatment
CONCLUSION– often becomes despair and the end of intimacy, joy, and trust

19. BUT you do not HAVE to lose each other
• Open yourself to skills to deal with family conflict fairly and non-
destructively with GOOD WILL
• It is A CHOICE to let go/hold on to anger
• Identifying the stages of your relationship and the attributes of each
stage will tell you what to do about the stage you are in, or the stage
you always get ‘stuck’ in
• Taking these suggested actions can save you heartbreak and struggle
of a non-functional relationship

21. STAGE 1: THE HONEYMOON
• You meet, you connect, you fall in love
• Everything seems right, nothing seems out of place
• Even if things don’t seem right, you are full of hope they will work
themselves out
• Last the first 3-6 months
• The joy: you feel more alive, more expanded, in touch with life and
yourself. You have hope, excitement, fun.
• The stumbling block: you may overlook whether your partner is truly
compatible with your and rush into depth too soon

22. STAGE 2: THE DISCOVERY
• The initial excitement wares off, allowing you to actually discover who
the person really is
• You uncover things that bother you about each other
• You can also begin to discover what you truly love and respect about
each other
• Your communication should deepen to a soulful level

23. STAGE 2: THE DISCOVERY
• This stage can last a number of years, depending on how comfortable
the couple is with self-disclosure and how fast the couple wants to
progress in emotional intimacy
• The joy: is in the discovery, you get a glimpse of their beauty,
vulnerabilities, budding emotional intimacy, deep communication,
and evidence that you chose the right person
• The stumbling block: you may discover things that drive you crazy or
that you have vastly different interests
• WHAT TO DO: THIS is the time to figure out if you are with the right
person

24. STAGE 3: THE COMMITMENT
• The relationship is settles, you are together, and you can finally relax
• This is the stage most couples try to rush into and arrive too soon
• It is only the beginning of commitment
• This stage is when the couple agrees to marry, live together, or
another form of deep commitment

25. STAGE 3: THE COMMITMENT
• The joy: the sense of having arrived, no longer having to strive to win
your partner, re-discovery of your partner when committed to you,
having someone to share life with
• The stumbling block: begin to take each other for granted, pay less
attention to their partner or communication
• WHAT TO DO: make communication a priority, this is the best
foundation for your relationship, the success of your relationship
depends on you being able to communicate well with each other

26. STAGE 4: THE POWER STRUGGLE
• This is the stage at which most couples split up
• Time of arguments or silence, and test a couple’s love
• Can be a gut wrenching, painful place
• Comes up unexpectedly or out of nowhere
• Couples will wonder how they got here
• Shocking stage for the pair
• This stage can last years

27. STAGE 4: THE POWER STRUGGLE
• There is not much joy in this stage
• Maybe in between periods of power struggling
• The stumbling block: failure to realize this is normal for couples to go
through, the key is working through it, it is a possibility to get stuck in
this stage if one or both partners are unwilling to move forward which
will wear the relationship down until nothing is left
• WHAT TO DO: although there is no simple solution, it is resolvable. If
you love each other, it is worth the time and energy to resolve it. If
you don’t, it will likely repeat in your next relationship

28. STAGE 5: GROWTH
• It takes a lot of soul searching, self-discovery, intimacy, work and deepened
communication to break out of the power struggle
• Both partners must grow emotionally for the relationship to thrive
• Those who are committed to the relationship do grow, no matter what is
requested of them
• Think of this period as your second chance to create the relationship you
have always wanted
• Growing is an ongoing state of any relationship but it will be more intense
at some times than at others
• After a power struggle, the couple will experience a “growth
spurt” with a period of intense growth lasting a year or longer

29. STAGE 5: GROWTH
• The joy is in the results of the growth
• The more each of you grows, the more intimacy and love you will be
able to share
• The Stumbling block: growth can be terrifying and confusing, you may
or may not know what to do, or you may be afraid to do so
• WHAT TO DO: find a way to grow – together and separately– on
purpose. To keep your relationship vital, you both must mature and
develop emotionally

30. STAGE 6: THE SECOND HONEYMOON
• You have reached a new stage in your relationship where you cherish
and treasure each other, appreciate the good, and accept the bad
• You have bonded, connected, and joined
• Its not that there will never be hard work or hard times again
• In the best scenario this stage lasts forever
• The joy: it is almost ALL joy, the joy of connection at a new level, it is a
joy to share your life with your partner in a deep way
• The stumbling block: you don’t expect your connection to ever be
broken, it is solid yet flexible now and can allow for stress and change

31. TRIANGULATION
• Most commonly used to express a situation in which one family
member will not communicate directly with another family member
but will communicate with a third member (or outside friend), forcing
the third party to be part of the triangle
• Can also be a label for a form of “splitting” in which one person plays
the third family member against one that he/she is upset about
• Usually the one doing the splitting will also engage in “character
assassination” of the victim

32. Triangulation targets relationship problems
• If you find yourself having the same kind of problems in more than
one relationship, you may triangulate back to yourself as a cause
• This doesn’t mean they aren’t wrong, but could mean a significant
part of the problem lies with you
• Think back to previous relationships and look for similarities
• If and when you find them, this is invaluable in helping you fix the
things that need fixing in you in order to prevent future problems

33. Advice if you are part of the problem:
• Once you’ve identified 2+ people you have the same problem with,
triangulation is a powerful tool to determine what causes you to react
to these people this way
• What is it they did to trigger your negative emotions?
• What memories come up from your past when those emotions are
triggered?
• Now the problem becomes a valuable tool in self-improvement,
problem solution, and problem prevention

34. Advice if you are not part of the problem:
• Triangulation is very powerful in determining youre not part of the
problem, too
• This can be very liberating
• Knowing the problem is not within you, keeps you from being
defensive and provides valuable insight into accommodating their
needs and helping them to find peace

36. 4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships

37. Discussion Topics