Speech121conflict

Chapter 7 - Emotions
Copyright © 2013, 2009, 2006 Pearson Education,
Inc. All Rights Reserved
1. Emotions may be primary or blended
 Primary emotions joy, trust, fear, surprise,
sadness, disgust, anger and anticipation
 Blended emotions combine primary emotions
 Emotion wheel model
 Emotions close in meaning are close together
 Emotions opposite in meaning are opposite
 Shades show blended emotions

Learning to Understand your emotions
Key: Understanding your emotions, the triggers and
effective means of expressing them can reduce anger
which leads to conflict.

Emotional Competence
1. Emotional understanding or self-awareness
of your feelings and their effects
 “What am I feeling and what made me feel this
way?”
 “What exactly do I want to communicate?”
 “What are my communication choices?”

Emotional Competence (cont.)
2. Emotional expression
 Be specific
 Describe the reasons for your feelings
 Address mixed feelings
 Try to anchor your emotions in the present
 Own your feelings, take personal responsibility
for them with I-statements
 Ask for what you want
 Respect emotional boundaries

3. Emotional responding
 Look at nonverbal cues to understand feelings
 Look for cues about what the person wants you
to do
 Use active listening
 Empathize
 Focus on the other person
 Remember communication is irreversible

• What do you think of when you hear or see
the word conflict?

Myths or not about
interpersonal conflict?
 Conflict is best avoided
 Conflict is a sign of a troubled relationship
 Conflict damages a relationship
 Conflict is destructive because it reveals
our bad sides
 In conflict, there has to be a winner and a
loser

What is conflict?
- An expressed struggle – Disagreement
becomes verbal and nonverbal
facial/gestures show aggression.
- Occurs when people are interdependent
- Mutually aware of incompatible goals
- See each other as interfering with achieving
goals

Quotes about Conflict
• An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
~ Ghandi
• Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a
method which rejects revenge, aggression, and
retaliation. The foundation of such a method is
love. ~ Martin Luther King
• Truth springs from argument amongst friends.
~ David Hume
****I do not agree with what you have to say, but
I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
~Voltaire

Mckorke and Mills
Conflict - It is our mindset!
• Language choices shape our perception of our
roles in conflict
• Crum’s five mind sets:
Negative – Negative, diminish energy, invoke
fear and require struggle
1)Destruction
2)Decay
3)Survival

Crum’s five mindsets
Positive - invoke love and are effortless and
joyful.
•Success
•Artistry

Words can contribute to conflict –
A Cow
“Everyone knows what a cow is!”
WRONG….

Conflict – Deborah Tannen
An American academic and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University in
Washington, D.C.
We live in an Argument culture where:
•Opposition
•Debate
•Polarization
•Litigation
•Attacks
•Criticism are perceived as “The Best Way to Get Things Done.”
•War or sports metaphors are used

Here's a short list of metaphors borne from war terms.
It is arranged as:
1) Metaphor; 2) An example in use; 3) An implication made by the metaphor.
• Launch: John Kerry launched a diplomatic effort aimed at ending the war. Diplomacy is a weapon
against war itself.
• Ceasefire: The neighbors agreed to a ceasefire over their lawn ornament argument. Argument is
war: words are bullets that can inflict harm; the mind is a territory that can be disputed.
• Truce: The neighbors agreed to a truce over their barbeque dispute. Disagreement is war: the terms
of agreement are a truce spelling out sovereign territories.
• Battle: Every day is an uphill battle. Life is a battle against a higher enemy - and we are the
underdogs (rebels?) seeking higher ground.
• Battleground: The senate has become the battleground for stem cell lobbyists. Opposing lobbyists
are civil-war warriors seeking to sieze a specific legal territory from (disputed zone) lawmakers.
• Under fire: The president has been under fire for his veto of the stem cell bill. Politics is war, with
word-bullets a popular means of attack
• Firestorm: Stem cell research has created a firestorm of controversy. Controversy is heat, and is
self-perpetuating (also heated debate or discussion). (Note: self-perpetuating heat is also a quality
of friction, another metaphor for disagreement).
• Bombard: The president was bombarded with questions from the press. The press is an enemy
state, whose purpose is to destroy the president.

Other Metaphors relating to Conflict
• Two rams butting heads
• She was so angry she was like a tornado
• Talking to a brick wall
• Tied up in chains
• Don’t rock the boat
• Stabbed in the back
• Life is a Rocky Road
• He is treating me like a child

Causes of Conflict
Internal –
•Problems such as those discussed about Anger
•Psychological problems
•Challenges such as Asperger's syndrome,, hard of earing, etc.
•Physiological problems (hungry, tiredness, pain, etc.)
•Self concept – is it weak or strong
•Needs not being met (Maslow Hierarchy of Needs)
External –
•Noise
•Workplace
•Campus
•Family

Internal Conflict -
Left-Right Brain

Conflict - Human History
• People are killed, imprisoned, electrocuted, drowned,
exiled, beat up, segregated, isolated, verbally abused,
hung, tortured, or starved to death.
Over:
• Ideologies, Religions, Resourses, Territory, Pride,
Values, National Interests, Ethnic Differences, Family
and Spousal Disagreements, Neighborhood Disputes.

Seven reasons we get angry.
From Kristina Von Rosining – Life Coach
Anger is a normal emotion.
-The reasons why we get angry are varied. Need know causes!
Three reasons people respond with anger - emotionally
threatened:
1. Feeling hurt - when our feelings are hurt it is easier to get in
touch with anger at the person who has just emotionally wounded
us than to acknowledge the hurt.
2. Feeling betrayed - the feeling of having been betrayed hits us to
the core and again the instinctive response can be one of
overwhelming anger at the person who betrayed us.
3. Feeling embarrassed - responding with anger becomes a way of
covering up what one is really feeling.

Seven reasons we get angry.
From Kristina Von Rosining – Life Coach
Four reasons people respond with anger that are learned responses:
1.Repeating a pattern (manner in which we learn to deal with anger) – Yelling, ignoring
someone this is a pattern that is learned – usually from a parent or other adult from
whom one learns how to deal with anger.
•Most people do not know how to deal with anger
•We need someone to model successful ways of handling oneself when angry.
2. Getting ones way - Some people have found that they get what they want when they
get angry- they intimidate the other person and cut off communication.
3. Handling defensiveness - Responding with anger can be a cover up for feeling
defensive, and is a learned response to experiencing strong feelings that are deep inside.
•People who are in the habit of responding with defensive anger are frequently not even
aware what they are really feeling. Anger can be a cover-up for many other feelings.
4. Pent-up rage – Many reasons: having been mistreated, bullied and/or abused;
difficulty with impulse control; or a result or drug, alcohol, or prescription drug abuse.
• Any one who is struggling with pent-up rage may benefit from a professional
assessment. If one does not find successful ways of handling this kind of anger it will
adversely affect relationships.

Internal Conflict
Left-Right Brain

Principles of
Interpersonal Conflict
1. Conflict is inevitable
2. Conflict can have negative and positive
effects
 Negative effects
 Leads to bad feelings
 You close yourself off
 Increases costs

Principles of Interpersonal
Conflict (cont.)
2. Negative and positive effects (cont.)
 Positive effects
 Resolves problems
 Improves relationships
 Demonstrates commitment to relationship
3. Conflict can focus on content and/or
relationship issues
 Relationship conflicts – equity and power
 Relationship conflicts hide as content conflicts

Principles of Interpersonal
Conflict (cont.)
4. Conflict styles have consequences
 Competing – I win, you lose
 Avoiding – I lose, you lose
 Accommodating – I lose, you win
 Collaborating – I win, you win
 Compromising – I win and lose; you win and
lose

Types of Conflict
• Pseudo-conflict
– People misunderstand one another
• Simple conflict
– People disagree about issues
• Ego-conflict
– Personalities clash
Copyright © 2012, 2009, 2006,
Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights
Reserved

Managing Pseudo Conflict
• Ask for clarification
• Establish supportive rather than defensive
climate
• Employ active listening skills
– Stop, look, listen, question, paraphrase
content, paraphrase feelings

Managing Simple Conflict
• Clarify perceptions of message
• Clarify issues
• Use structured problem solving approach
• Focus on issues
• Use facts versus opinions
• Compromise
• Make conflict group concern
• Prioritize conflict resolution
• Postpone decision
Copyright © 2012, 2009, 2006,
Reserved

Managing Ego-Conflict
• Don’t permit personal attacks
• Employ active listening
• Call for a “cooling off” period
• Focus on key issues
• Avoid judgment
• Use problem solving approach
• Speak slowly and calmly
• Agree to disagree
Copyright © 2012, 2009, 2006,
Reserved

Copyright © Houghton
Mifflin Company. All rights
reserved.
13 - 30
Common Roots
of Conflict
• Ineffective
communication
• Values clashes
• Culture clashes
• Work policies and
practices
• Adversarial
management
• Noncompliance
• Competition for scarce
resources
• Personality clashes

reserved.
13 - 31
Common roots of conflict - 1
• Ineffective communication - major source of
personal conflict; why? (resources, needs not
being met, disconfirming communication.)
• Diversity among people -- communication
breakdowns are inevitable
Check: First determine if the conflict is a
misunderstanding or a true disagreement
• Check that you are using confirming not
disconfirming communication

reserved.
13 - 32
Value Clashes
• Conflict may be due to value differences between
– Generations – values, life experiences, history
– Gender – communication styles - women and men
People with different value priorities
– More government vs. less government
– Pro Life vs. Pro Choice
– Death penalty vs. Life time internment.
– Strong work/academic ethic vs. taking advantage of the system,
or cheating
– Gay marriage/rights vs. non support of Gay marriage/rights

reserved.
13 - 33
Culture Clashes
• Occurs between people
– from other countries
– between people from different parts of the U.S.
• Work force reflects cultural diversity
• Topics
- High context cultures fight about violations of group norms
- Low context cultures fight about violations of personal norms
• Different cultural traditions can easily come into conflict in the
workplace – religion, food, clothing, etc.
• Issues range from pseudo (communication misunderstanding)
to complex (Values, prejudice, racism, etc.)

reserved.
13 - 34
Work Policies and Practices
• Conflict may happen when organizations
maintain confusing or arbitrary
– Rules
– Regulations
– Performance standards
• Often surface when managers don’t
understand that employees view policies as
unfair

reserved.
13 - 35
Adversarial Management
• Conflict can occur when managers view
employees and other managers with distrust
and suspicion
• View others as “the enemy”
• Leads to a lack of respect by employees
• Makes teamwork and cooperation difficult

reserved.
13 - 36
Noncompliance
• Workers refusing to comply with rules
• Or accept unfair share of workload
• Union members crossing picket lines
• Nepotism or favoritism
• Makes other co-workers
angry

reserved.
13 - 37
Competition for Scarce Resources
• Downsizing and cost cutting can lead to
destructive competition for scarce resources
• When decisions are not clearly explained,
workers suspect coworkers of devious tactics
• Certain Departments may
benefit more, due to many
reasons. (LAVC issues)

reserved.
13 - 38
Personality Clashes
• People have differing
–Communication styles
–Temperaments
–Attitudes – Likes and dislikes
• People may not be able to identify cause of
dislike – mostly subconscious.
- likely not about the conflict, but a past
negative experience.

Fear not those who argue,
but those who dodge
~ Dale Carnegie

What is your conflict style?
(in class quiz)

Five Conflict Management Styles
• Dysfunctional families – Many of us grew up in families where
we didn’t learn to effectively communicate in relationships,
especially when it involves conflict – being assertive helps heal
and reduces our stress and conflict with others.
There are five basic styles of communication:
- Avoidance
- Accommodation
- Competition
- Collaboration
- Compromise

Five Conflict Management
Styles
Avoidance is a style (AS) in which individuals have developed a
pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and
identifying and meeting their needs.
AS will:
•Avoid conflict
•Fall to assert themselves
•Allows others to infringe on their rights
•Tend to speak softy and apologetically
Issues:
•Avoidance can make conflict worse
•Avoidance demonstrates lack of care or concern
When is this style appropriate?
•Can be positive, especially if the conflict is too big or emotional to resolve without help
•Can give a group time to cool off – or allows group to avoid ‘hot' issues to get in the way

Accommodation is a style (ACS) in which individuals give in to
avoid a major blow up or controversy. Not a bad approach,
especially when conflict is pseudo or simple.
ACS will:
•Hope this approach makes the conflict go away
•Have a high need for approval – think this will make people like
them more
•Give in too quickly, and doesn’t allow discussion which is often
healthy for a group making decisions
When is this style appropriate?
•Accommodating others may cause the group to make a bad
decision, if more discussion isn’t allowed to happen

Competition is a style (CS) that people who have power or want more power
often seek to compete with others. Often referred to aggressive.
CS will:
•Try to dominate others
•Use humiliation to control others
•Have low frustration levels
•Blame others, instead of owning
the issues
When is style appropriate?
•Not always wrong to compete, if you know you aren’t wrong
•Also, if group members are suggesting something illegal or inappropriate
•Or, member keeps others in the group from destructive or inappropriate
behavior

Compromise ‘the big C’ (CS) is style that
attempts to find a middle ground – a solution
that meets all needs.
Issues:
•You win…I win, is the best case, however at
times nobody gets what they want.
•Or, some lose and some win, which is
expected…like a democracy. The majority win.
•What can happen to the minority?

Collaboration is a style (COS) where group
members work side-by-side, rather than going
after power, control, or winner takes all.
COS will:
•View conflict has something that needs to
be resolved, rather than a game where
people win or lose.
•COS leave personal grievances aside.
Works best:
•With a culturally diverse group
•When group has the time to take to work through discussion, and looking
all solutions to make sure everyone is happy with decision

Resolving Conflicts
Where do the styles fit?
Copyright © 2012, 2009, 2006,
Reserved

• Differing Views of Your Conflict Style
• Your ratings may reflect the way you
intend to act during conflicts, rather than
the way you interact with others during
conflicts.
• For instance, you may intend to be
confronting. You want the goal achieved,
and you care about the relationships.
Others may perceive that you are forceful
with a focus on goals and a willingness to

Conflict Styles
There are many potential causes for these discrepancies, but here are a few of the more
common ones.
• Style collision.
• Egocentric interpretation. Although all five conflict styles are associated
with both negatives and positives, society has taught us that it's better to be
smoothing.
• Timing. Our ratings may be influenced more significantly by recent events
and so can the ratings of other people.
• Interpersonal history. If you are in the midst of conflict with another
person, you can expect your ratings to shift temporarily. If you have a history
of conflict with the person, you can expect the ratings to shift permanently.
• Can You Change Your Style? By this point in your life, you've developed a
style, and it comes naturally to you. It's not so much a matter of changing
your style as it is controlling the negative aspects of the style you've
developed.

Dealing with Difficult People
Crazy - Makers
Passive Aggressive – is a style where
individuals appear passive on the surface
but are actually acting out anger in a subtle,
indirect, or behind the scenes way.
PA will:
•Mutter to themselves
•Use facial expressions that don’t’ match
•Deny there is a problem
•Become alienated from those around them
PA believe:
•They are weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate and disrupt.
•I will appear cooperative but I’m not.

Dealing with Difficult Members
Recognizing Crazy maker Behavior
• Surprise you with requests
• Pressure to do something when you’re unsure
• Use relationships as leverage
• Isolate you from support
• Shift expectations and moods

Crazy makers can be managed
Don’t expect them to respond to feelings –
Use statements that are factual, not emotional.
Don’t let them spoil you day – One needs to emotionally
separate their identity and self-esteem from their
negative behavior – Don’t take it personally!
Manage yourself in their presence
• Monitor your physical and nonverbal responses.
• Stay neutral – don’t show emotions show in your tone
of voice, facial expressions or gestures.
• Don’t give them the “power.”

Crazymakers can be managed
Manage and communicate expectations
• Don’t expect them to behave as you do.
• Be clear with them about your expectations.
Slow them Down – Tell them “You will get back to
them,” or “You don’t have all the information you
need to make a decisions.”
Ask lot’s of questions – This will help you sort out their
demands and determine what they want.

Conflict - It is a matter of perspective
• What do you see in the picture?
• Some people see an eagle and a beaver, and
other things.
Questions:
• Why do some people see an young or old woman, beaver, or
eagle?
• Is there a right way to see them?
• How did you feel about those who saw it differently? The
same?
• Was there ever a time when you saw something one way and
some else saw it differently?

Conflict – can be a matter of perspective
• Two people can look at the same picture and
see something different without either being
wrong, how might this affect a conflict?
• If something is more serious such as if
someone is pro life or pro choice, is there
right or wrong?
• What if each person sees the situation a
different way? How can they figure out a
resolution to the conflict if they are both
right?

The Moral to the Elephant
•We should also try to understand other
people’s points of view.
•This will enable us to get a proper perspective
on different situations and events.

Unproductive Communication Patterns
During Conflict
• The early stages
– Failing to confirm individuals
– Cross-complaining – complaint met by complaint
– Negative climate and mind reading
• The middle stages
– Kitchen sinking - involves throwing all kinds of events, or
misdeeds of another person, at them all at once. Example:
A conversation about who's supposed to take out the
garbage today might turn into a discussion of what
someone did ten years ago.
– Frequent interruptions
• The later stages
– Pressure to resolve conflict - Usually on own terms

Anger communication
 Get ready to communicate calmly and logically
 Examine your communication choices
 Consider the advantages of delaying the
expression of your anger
 Remember cultural differences in display rules
 Apply interpersonal skills

Constructive Communication Patterns
During Conflict
• The early stages
– Communicators confirm each other by recognizing and
acknowledging each other’s concerns and feelings
• The middle stages
– Stay focused on main issues (agenda building)
– Bracketing – Individuals confirm others by getting back to
them later
– Don’t interrupt except for clarification
– Recognize each other’s point of view
• The later stages
– Contracting – Take each proposal and agree upon a
solution

Basic Methods for Resolving
Conflict
• See handout

Conflict Management Skills
Tips for managing and resolving conflict
• Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship,
rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful
of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
• Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability
to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the
past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the
problem.
• Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider
whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don't
want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes. But
if there are dozens of spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.
• Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or
unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can
never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further
depleting and draining our lives.
• Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement,
agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a
conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

REDUCE CONFLICT
Encourage Supportive Communication
Different types of communication create supportive
and defensive climates in personal relationships.
Interpersonal climates occur on a continuum
confirming to disconfirming.
Confirming messages recognize that another person
exists, acknowledge that another matters to us, and
endorse what we believe is true.
Disconfirming messages deny the person’s existence,
indicate the other person does not matter to us, and
reject another person’s feelings or thoughts.

Rewind - Say it better!
Disconfirming vs. confirming
Change evaluation to description
 You’re acting very immaturely.
Example:“I notice that you are getting upset by this situation.”
Change certainty to provisionalism
 The right thing to do is crystal clear
Example: “The right thing to do can be difficult to decide.”
Change strategy to spontaneity
 Don’t you owe me a favor from when I typed that paper for you last term?
Example, “Remember the term paper I helped you with last term? Do you think you could help me out with one of my own?”
Change control orientation to problem orientation
 I think we should move where I have the good job offer since I earn a larger salary than you anyway.
Example, “In terms of moving, what decision will make the most sense for us in terms of our financial position as well as our
relationship?
Change neutrality to empathy
 I can’t believe you got yourself into such a dumb predicament.
 Example, “This is tricky situation. Let’s see what we can do to help you address it.”
Change superiority to equality
 I don’t want to get involved in your disagreement.
 Example, “I can see where you’re coming from with this, and based on what you’ve said, it seems like it might be best to
talk with Susan directly about this issue.”

Aggression, Assertion, & Deference

Emotion Competence - Respond
Constructively to Criticism
Refusing to accept criticism is likely to erect barriers or
affect job performance reviews.
Seek more information - asking questions, paraphrasing what you have
heard to reduce tension.
Consider the criticism thoughtfully – Is it valid?
If you decide the criticism is valid, consider whether you want to
change how you act.
Thank the person who offered the criticism – sometimes is disarming
and keeps the door open for communication in the future.
Sometimes people are just difficult to deal with. They can be: rude,
inconsiderate, or just crazymakers. This calls for you to protect
yourself.

Grieving communication
 Confirm the person and their emotions
 Give them permission to grieve
 Avoid trying to focus on the bright side
 Encourage them to talk about their feelings and
their loss
 Be sensitive to leave-taking cues
 Let them know you care and you’re available

Anger communication
 Get ready to communicate calmly and logically
 Examine your communication choices
 Consider the advantages of delaying the
expression of your anger
 Remember cultural differences in display rules
 Apply interpersonal skills

Humor
• Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their moccasins. That
way, if they get mad, they're a mile away and barefoot.
Humor used the right way at the right time can be just what you need to
diffuse a conflict at work.
1) Laugh at yourself, and use that as the subject of a joke or humor to
stop the argument.
2) Wait for a break in the argument, and bring up a silly story or
anecdote from your day.
3) Go back to your younger days. Throw out popular phrases from the
school yard. Use phrases like "nuh-uh," "I know you are, but what
am I?" and everyone's favorite, "I'm rubber you're glue. Whatever
you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
4) Try physical humor to stop an argument. Drop something, fall, spill
food or drinks on yourself or throw something to lighten the mood.
5) Play act – Growl, clench fists, leg wrestle, arm wrestle.

Sometimes - It’s all in how you
ask?

Advice from Grade School Children

Advise from the dog!
BARK LESS!

You are in Control!
The minute you begin to do what you want to
do, it’s a different kind of life.
--Buckminster Fuller

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