This document discusses parenting in lesbian and gay families. It describes how lesbian and gay families are formed and the stresses they face from lack of legal protections in many states. When same-sex marriages have legal status, families report feeling closer, more accepted, and children are less likely to be teased. Reasons for becoming parents, pathways to parenthood, and practical questions are also examined. The transition to parenting is explored for gay men and lesbian mothers, noting both similarities and differences compared to heterosexual parents. Parenting styles and children's adjustment are also assessed, finding little difference between lesbian/gay parents and heterosexual parents. Special challenges and strengths of growing up in lesbian and gay families are discussed.

1. Chapter 16
Parenting in Lesbian and Gay Families
1
CFD 250
Parenting in Contemporary
Society

2. Lesbian/Gay Parenting
Lecture 16.1

3. Lesbian/Gay Family Formation
 Initially, children were born in heterosexual marriages, and
following announcement of lesbian/gay identities, families were
formed with lesbian/gay partners
 Currently, lesbian/gay identities are announced and
partnerships are formed afterwards
3

4. Stresses from Lack of Legal Protections for
Families in Most States
 Second parent may not be able to adopt and so second parent
lacks legal tie
 Child has no legal tie to one parent, can not visit as family
member if parent is ill or child is ill, parent can not visit as family
 Child has no access to benefits such as health care
 Parent with legal tie may be able to eliminate other parent in
the event of dissolution
4

5. Advantages to Lesbian/Gay Families When
Marriages Have Legal Status
 Canadian couples report they feel closer, and have a greater
depth of feeling since legalization
 Couples feel more accepted and respected
 Children are less likely to be teased
5

6. Gay Men’s Reasons for Becoming
a Parent
 Finding psychological and personal fulfillment
 Partner’s desire to have child
 Seeking to ensure future personal security, having someone
who will care for him when old
6

7. Gay Men’s Reasons for Having Children
at That Time
 Their age
 Relationship-related reasons (stability of relationship)
 Work stability
 Life changing events like moving to a home, meeting other gay
parents
 Considering it the next stage of life
7

8. Lesbians’ Reasons for Becoming Parents
 Desire to conceive and bear a child
 Because partner wants a child
 About 25% of parents in one study did not want a child but had
a child only because partner wanted one
 The parents later found they enjoyed parenthood
8

9. Pathways to Parenthood for
Lesbian/Gay Parents
 Heterosexual sex with a friend
 Donor sperm from a friend
 Anonymous Donor Sperm
 Can cost $500 or more
 Alternative Reproductive Technology (ART)
 One gay parent may wish to have a biological connection
 Surrogacy
9

10. Pathways to Parenthood for
Lesbian/Gay Parents (cont.)
 Public adoption
 Costs range from $0 to $2,500
 Private adoption
 Costs range from $8,000 to $40,000
 Adoption barriers
 Some states do not allow lesbian and gay couples to adopt; one parent
will apply as single parent and adopt child; the other parent will petition
the state to be a co-parent
 Some countries like China and Guatemala require single parents to
supply proof of heterosexuality
10

11. Practical Questions
 What will the child call the two parents?
 Parents may refer to themselves as “Mommy” and “Mama” or
“Daddy” and “Papa”
 What will the child’s last name be?
 A hyphenated name?
 Name of the parent who adopted the child?
11

12. Transition to Parenting for Gay Men
 More complex than heterosexual couples’ transition
 Until recently, gay men believed they renounced the right to be
a father when they identified as a gay man
 In the past, many gay men chose more expensive options like
private adoptions or ART
 Early fathers having children not conceived in marriage, were older,
more determined, and had greater financial resources
12

13. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers
Experiences of lesbian couples are similar to those of heterosexual
couples when both groups are adopting
 Both groups report similar levels of worry and tension of being
accepted as parents
 A subsample of both lesbian and heterosexual prospective parents
reported depression at not being able to conceive
 Both groups sought support from family and friends
 Women, both heterosexual and lesbian, received more support from
family and friends than men
13

14. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers (cont.)
 Lesbian women received less support than heterosexual women
Interviews with lesbian women and their partner who chose donor
insemination stated what role men would play in their child’s life
 First group was the largest with 2/3 of women being very deliberate in
their choices about men’s roles
 Second group, 25%, were termed “flexible” because they decided to
wait and see what seemed best to do
 Third group, 9%, were uncertain what role men would play
14

15. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers (cont.)
 When babies were three months old, some mothers had changed their
minds
 3 “flexible” mothers became deliberate in incorporating men in their lives
because they saw their babies respond differently to men
 Many similarities between transitions of lesbian and heterosexual mothers
 Lesbian mothers reported a decline in feelings of love for partner and increases
in conflicts from the last trimester of pregnancy to three months following the
birth
 There was less time available for partners and that seemed to cause conflicts
15

16. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers (cont.)
 Biological mother tends to take primary care of baby
 Co-mothers often report instant bonding with the new baby
 There was more equal sharing in lesbian families with co-
mothers more willing to take equal care
16

17. Transition to Parenthood for
Lesbian Mothers (cont.)
 Comparing single and partnered lesbian mothers with single
and married heterosexual parents revealed
 Single heterosexual and lesbian mothers were warmer and more
positive with children than partnered heterosexual mothers
 All lesbian mothers were more interactive with babies than single
heterosexual mothers
 Single heterosexual and lesbian mothers reported more serious
though not more frequent disputes with children
17

18. Common to All Groups in the Transition
to Parenting
 Gay men, lesbian and heterosexual couples report a decline in
relationship quality with partner across the transition period
 Factors that account for relationship drop is same in all three
group:
 Sleep deprivation
 Little time to check in with each other
 Difficulties balancing work and family
 Gay men also included conflicts in parenting beliefs
18

19. Strategies to Deal with
Relationship Decline
 Same strategies recommended in Chapter 4 are useful in all
three groups:
 Checking in with partner
 Bringing up differences and talking about them before they are
huge issues
 Finding collaborative solutions
 Babies draw similar behaviors from parents regardless of parents’
sexual preferences
19

20. Parenting and Children’s
Adjustment
Lecture 16.2

21. Parenting of Lesbian Parents
 First group studied was lesbian mothers who were divorced and wanted
to keep custody of their children
 In studies comparing divorced lesbian mothers with heterosexual
mothers, no differences were found between the groups in:
 Self concept
 Overall psychological adjustment
 Psychiatric status
 Sex-role behavior
 Interest in children
 Child rearing
21

22. Parenting of Lesbian Parents (cont.)
 Later wave of studies focused on lesbian mothers who became
mothers when living with lesbian partners and revealed:
 High levels of shared decision-making, parenting and family work that
reflected strong beliefs in an egalitarian ideology
 Higher levels of satisfaction with partner-relationships and higher levels
of satisfaction with partner’s parenting
 Lesbian mothers by donor insemination had strong desires for children;
devoted a great deal of time to choosing parenthood
 Equal or exceeded amount of time of heterosexual parents in time
spent with children, warmth, affection, and parenting skills
22

23. Parenting of Gay Parents
 Much less is known because there was not the volume of work
done to justify their parenthood following a divorce
 Studies suggest:
 Gay fathers are more responsive and more careful about monitoring
 Gay fathers rely more on authoritative strategies
 Family happiness in families of gay father, teen son, and father’s
partner when partner has a good relationship with the son
23

24. Parenting of Gay Parents (cont.)
 Gay couples who are parents, like lesbian couples:
 Co-parent more equally though this does not mean doing half of every
task
 Co-parenting equally means sharing overall work load with one parent
specializing in one task and the other doing another
 Gay fathers more likely than any other group to use positive parenting
strategies and to avoid spanking
 Gay fathers were also open about same-sex relationships with
children’s friends and at their schools
24

25. Samples Studied
 We know most about lesbian, gay parents who are European
American, middle-class, and well educated
 National studies have identified working-class lesbian mothers
raising children in places where they are a small percentage of
the population, and whether the same findings apply, we do
not know
25

26. Special Challenges
 In lesbian families, there may be difficulties when one mother
has a biological or legal connection to the child giving her
greater power and the other does not
 As in all families, parents have to find the way to carry out the
parental role that suits them
 One lesbian mother did not want to be a maternal figure but found
the role of lesbian dad more comfortable, teaching things a dad
would teach
26

27. Special Challenges (cont.)
 Parents worry about stigmatization of their child by other
children
 Parents try to live in areas where other lesbian families are
located and enroll children in schools that will support them
 Sometimes schools discriminate parents as well, restricting their
participation in class trips or classroom activities
27

28. Special Challenges (cont.)
 Parents model positive behaviors when they directly address
authorities about any restrictions
 When parents address school authorities about bullying or teasing
children, they can point out a safe school environment for all children
is so important that laws are being considered in Congress to describe
the school’s role
 Parents can volunteer to be on task force or committee to deal with
bullying or other negative behaviors that interfere with children’s
learning
28

29. Strengths of Growing Up in
Lesbian and Gay Families
 In interviews, parents identified three benefits children received
growing up in lesbian and gay families despite the
stigmatization
 Understanding and accepting different points of view
 Open in talking about their feelings and problems
 Free of the restrictions of traditional gender role models
29

30. Strengths of Growing Up in
Lesbian and Gay Families (cont.)
 Talking about childhood experiences, adolescents and young
adults identify similar strengths:
 Being accepting and nonjudgmental of a broad range of beliefs,
cultures, and social views
 Having a broad definition of family and valuing communities of
chosen friends
 Valuing honesty, truthfulness in relationships after having secrets in
childhood
 Being more comfortable with gender nonconformity
30

31. Children’s Responses to Parents’ Sexual
Orientation
 When children are born into lesbian/gay families, they learn of
parents’ orientation very gradually
 Parents may mention differences
 Children may notice differences but there may be a specific event
that made children realize their parents were different and so did
not approve
31

32. Children’s Responses to Parents’ Sexual
Orientation
 When children lived with parents as heterosexual parents and
then parent identifies as gay or lesbian, children learned
 Either from parent who explained the reason for a divorce or
change in partners
 Or indirectly by parents making comments or taking child to same-
sex event or by leaving reading material around
32

33. Children’s Responses to Parents’ Sexual
Orientation (cont.)
Children’s reactions depend on living situation
 When children have lived in lesbian/gay family since birth and
community is supportive, children may feel “no big deal”
 In one study, majority of children had a mild or neutral reaction with
only a small percentage feeling angry or ashamed
 When children were told, they had two big worries:
 Would other children reject them?
 Would other children think they were gay or lesbian also?
33

34. Children’s Strategies for Dealing with
Worries about Others’ Reactions
Boundary control – children sought:
 To control parents’ behavior by asking parents to act in a certain way
 Example: coming to school events separately or sleeping in separate
bedrooms when friends slept over
 Control their own behavior
 Example: not going certain places with parents
 Controlling peers behavior
 Example: not inviting them over
34

35. Children’s Strategies for Dealing with Worries
about Others’ Reactions (cont.)
 Nondisclosure of parents’ sexual orientation
 Selective disclosure to only certain people
 In one sample of ten-year-olds:
 57% completely open
 39% open with selective friends
 4% were secretive
35

36. Parents’ Responses to Children’s
Strategies
 Parents are sometimes aware that children may only invite
certain friends over and why they want parents to come to
school events separately
 Young adults said it was very helpful to them when parents
understood and respected their feelings; not putting pressure
on them to disclose
36

37. Knowing Sperm Donor
 There appears no simple trend in research about knowing
donor
 Children with known donors did not appear to differ in
adjustment from those who did not know donor
 While some children wanted contact and a connection, others
did not care
37

38. Young Adults’ Reports of Growing Up in
Lesbian/Gay Families
 Many felt discriminated against not just by peers but by school
officials who allowed negative comments to be made with no
attempt to stop them
 Some felt they were under a microscope as people were
judging them and also their parents
 They felt they had to be seen as “successful” and “well-adjusted”
38

39. Young Adults’ Reports of Growing Up in
Lesbian/Gay Families cont.
As adults, many realized having to keep secrets about their
parents’ sexual orientation was stressful for them
 Only half of the sample were completely open about parents’ sexual
orientation and many were open to educate others
 A second group disclosed selectively as a way of testing the value
of a possible friendship
 A third group did not routinely disclose information as they thought
it was irrelevant and not part of their own identity
39

40. Young Adults Identified Three Supports
Growing Up
 Their parents who were positive, confident role models who
talked about their sexual orientation and created a supportive
home with open communication about the disapproval some
people felt and how to handle it
 Extended family members who created a supportive network
and were models of how to handle difficulties
 Good friends with whom they had fun times so they felt
included and connected
40

41. Psychological Adjustment of Children
Research has focused on three areas:
 Nature of children’s gender identity
 Their psychological stability
 Their social relationships with other children
41

42. Psychological Adjustment of Children
(cont.)
Gender identity
 There is no evidence that children of lesbian/gay parents have an
increased likelihood of lesbian/gay gender identity themselves or an
increased same-sex orientation
 Children living with lesbian/gay parents are as socially adjusted and
socially competent as children living with heterosexual parents
 Their psychological adjustment appears similar to that of other
children with no special problems with self-esteem or depression
42

43. Nationwide Study of Adolescent
Functioning
National study of 44 teens living with lesbian parents (only 6
living with gay parents, too few to form a reliable sample)
 Extensive data collected
 Adolescents filled out questionnaires
 One parent (usually resident mother) filled out questionnaire and
was interviewed about home, child rearing, and parent-child
relationship
 Peers rated teens on social relationships
 Schools provided grades
43

44. Nationwide Study of Adolescent
Functioning (cont.)
 Covered functioning in a variety of areas
 Psychological stability
 Relationships with parents
 Academic success
 Social friendships and peer acceptance
 Dating and romantic relationships
44

45. Results of Nationwide Study of
Adolescent Functioning
 In all areas of behavior, teens of lesbian parents were functioning as well
as teens from families headed by heterosexual couples
 Romantic relationships were similar and both teens and peers reported
that teens living in lesbian families were as well accepted as controls
 Parents’ sexual orientation did not predict differences in teens’ behaviors
but the quality of the parent-child relationship did
 Regardless of sexual orientation of parent, parents’ reports of close
relationships with teens predicted teens’ stability and competence and
lower rates of substance abuse
45

46. Family Dissolutions
Estimates are that 40 to 50% of families dissolve ties
 Same reasons as heterosexual families
 Incompatibility
 Differing views on child rearing
 Difficulties in sharing household tasks
 Financial arguments
 Often there are no mechanisms for protecting the interests of children
 Parents can seek a collaborative separation process but there may be
no legal protections or any court services available
46

47. Managing Stress in Lesbian/Gay
Families
Factors that may account for resilience in families
 Careful planning to have child and how to meet their needs
 Middle-class resources to meet stress and disapproval that came
primarily from outside the home and not from conflict within it
 Parents emphasized equality in adult relationships and sharing
household tasks
 Parents established climate of open and honest communication
47

48. Managing Stress in Lesbian/Gay
Families (cont.)
Factors that may account for resilience in families
 Parents encouraged children’s individuality and a broad range of
interests
 Parents’ understanding of children’s behavior with respect to hiding
parents’ orientation
 Willingness to put children’s needs first
48

49. Chapter 16
Parenting in Lesbian and Gay Families
49
CFD 250
Parenting in Contemporary
Society