The document provides an overview of managing conflict using a 5-5-5 framework. It discusses 5 styles of managing conflict - Reactor, Dictator, Negotiator, Hoarder, Avoider - and what activates conflict for each style. It then provides 5 biblical principles for managing conflict, 5 potential setbacks for each style, and 5 solutions tailored for each style. The framework is meant to help understand different conflict styles, potential areas of improvement, and constructive ways to address conflict for each style based on biblical guidance.

1. 5-5-5
MANAGING
CON FLICT
PAUL & JULIE MAVROGEORGE

2. BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE
22Put off your old self, which belongs to your
former manner of life and is corrupt through
deceitful desires, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of
your minds, 24 and put on the new self, created
after the likeness of God in true righteousness and
holiness. 25 Therefore, having put away falsehood,
let each one of you speak the truth with his
neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26Be
angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down
on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the
devil.
Ephesians 4:22-27 (ESV)

3. 5 STYLES
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take
note of this: Everyone should be quick
to listen, slow to speak and slow to
become angry, 20 because human anger
does not produce the righteousness
that God desires.
James 1:19-20 (NIV)
IDENTIFYING DIFFERENCES

4. 5 STYLES & ACTIVATORS
Activator-the element of ones
personality that when missing or
triggered, causes an unhealthy response
Reactor Anger
Dictator Authority
Negotiator Alignment
Hoarder Assurance
Avoider Acceptance

5. REACTOR
Activator-Anger
• Lets you have it
• Hot Head
• Emotional
• Blows Up
• Irrational
• Creates Fear
• No Thought
• Overly Sensitive

6. DICTATOR
Activator-Authority
• Tells You How It Is
• Close Minded
• Always Right
• My Way or The
Highway
• Emotionless
• Hard/Cold/Distant
• Defensive
• Relentless
• Controlling

7. NEGOTIATOR
Activator-Alignment
• Focus on Their Agenda
• “Suggests”
• Sways
• Directs Conversation
• Convinces/Persuades
• Manipulates
• Wants Alignment
• Predicts/
Predetermines
• Appears Engaged

8. HOARDER
Activator-Assurance
• List Maker
• Stews
• Builds Resentment
• Rationalizes
Behavior
• Over Thinks
• Unforgiving
• Harbors Bitterness
• Non-Emotional
• Does Not Share
• Avoids Conflict

9. AVOIDER
Activator-Acceptance
• Permissive/Quiet
• Passive/Compliant
• “It’s Ok”
• Little Affect
• No Conflict
• Appears at Peace
• Not Really Engaged
• Hides Real Feelings
• Withholds Info when
Communicating

10. 5 STYLES SUMMARY
REACTOR DICTATOR NEGOTIATOR
Emotional Controlling Manipulative
Blows Up Defensive Pre-Determines
Let’s You Have It Cold/Hard Sways/Suggests
HOARDER AVOIDER
List Maker Passive
Resentful Compliant
Builds Bitterness “It’s Ok”

11. REACTOR
• DESIRES
–Control
–Connection
–Freedom
–Independence
• FEARS
–Being Controlled
–Routine

12. DICTATOR
• DESIRES
–Accomplished
Goals
–“Right” Answers
–Focused Results
–Precision
• FEARS
–Being Out of
Control
–Being Taken
Advantage Of

13. NEGOTIATOR
• DESIRES
–Express Feelings
–Be Heard
–Encouragement
–Recognition of
Ideas
• FEARS
–Abandonment
–Rejection

14. HOARDER
• DESIRES
–Be Understood
–Order and
Boundaries
–Security
–Specifics
• FEARS
–Criticism
–Loss of Security

15. AVOIDER
• DESIRES
–Assurance
–Reliability
–Peace
–Safety
• FEARS
–Conflict
–Loss of Approval

16. QUIZ TIME
5-5-5 MANAGING CONFLICT

17. 5-5-5
MANAGING CONLCT
BREAK

18. REACTOR
• ACTIVATOR
-Anger
• COPES BY
-Venting
• Biblical Principle for Change:
Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly
hold it back.
Proverbs 29:11 (NLT)

19. DICTATOR
• ACTIVATOR
-Authority
• COPES BY
–Implementing rules
• Biblical Principle for Change:
25 ”You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord
it over them, and their great ones exercise
authority over them. 26 It shall not be so
among you. But whoever would be great
among you must be your servant...”
Matthew 20:25-26 (ESV)

20. NEGOTIATOR
• ACTIVATOR
- Alignment
• COPES BY
–Verbal Manipulation
• Biblical Principle for Change:
3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in
humility count others more significant than
yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to
his own interests, but also to the interests of
others.
Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)

21. HOARDER
• ACTIVATOR
- Assurance
• COPES BY
–Internal Dialogue
• Biblical Principle for Change:
“Judge not others, and you will not be
judged. Do not condemn others, or it will
come back against you. Forgive others,
and you will be forgiven.”
Luke 6:37 (NLT)

22. AVOIDER
• ACTIVATOR
- -Acceptance
• COPES BY
–Deflection
• Biblical Principle for Change:
6Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray
about everything. Tell God what you need,
and thank him for all he has done. 7Then you
will experience God’s peace, which exceeds
anything we can understand.
Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

23. FIND YOUR PEOPLE
DESCRIPTORS OF YOUR STYLE
WHAT IS NEEDED IN MIDST OF CONFLICT
GREATEST STRENGTHS
BREAKOUT GROUPS

24. 5 SETBACKS
Do not let any unwholesome talk come
out of your mouths, but only what is
helpful for building others up
according to their needs, that it may
benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)
EMBRACING WEAKNESSES

25. SETBACKS
Sinful Behaviors &
Deceitful Desires
That Need to Change

26. SEEDS OF SETBACKS
• Basic Wiring
• Past Hurts
• Family System
• Current Ongoing Sin
• Ignorance/Arrogance = PRIDE
• Status Quo (Fear, Doubt, or Pain)
• Selfish or Self-Centered Desires

27. CURSE
• C- Constant Criticism (Dictator)
• U- Uncontrolled Anger (Reactor)
• R- Rejection (Avoider)
• S- Shame Based Speech (Negotiator)
• E- Extremes (Hoarder)

28. • Does not think things through
• Feelings ARE reality
• No rational thought
• Uncontrolled anger
• No filter
–Dumps/Spews whatever they are
feeling

29. • They are right and you are wrong
• Takes control of situation and people
• Decides what's right/wrong based on
their opinions
• Opinions are fact

30. NEGOTIATOR SETBACKS
• Believes they are right
• Persuades others to believe like
they do
• Appears engaged
• Shame based speech

31. HOARDER SETBACKS
• Stuffs feelings
• Keeps a list of wrongs
–Charges interest on your behavior
• Non-emotional then lets you have it all
• Unloads emotions in intense manner
• Extremes

32. AVOIDER SETBACKS
• Avoids conflict at all costs
• Holds opinions and feelings to keep
peace
• Assumes the worst reaction from
others
• Plays the role of martyr

33. 5-5-5
MANAGING CONLCT
BREAK

34. BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE
22Put off your old self, which belongs to your
former manner of life and is corrupt through
deceitful desires, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of
your minds, 24 and put on the new self, created
after the likeness of God in true righteousness and
holiness. 25 Therefore, having put away falsehood,
let each one of you speak the truth with his
neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26Be
angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down
on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the
devil.
Ephesians 4:22-27 (ESV)

35. 5 SOLUTIONS
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)
KNOWING WHAT THEY NEED

36. REACTOR SOLUTIONS
• Build Safe Environment
• Respond to Person—Not Reaction
• Connect to Their Heart
• Do Not “Trap” Them
• Give Them Space
• Maintain Relationship

37. DICTATOR SOLUTIONS
• Be Brief, Direct, and to the POINT
• Share Facts….not FEELINGS
• Focus on Solutions
• Never Generalize or Ramble
• Have Your, “Ducks in a Row”
• Ask “What”… Not “How”

38. NEGOTIATOR SOLUTIONS
• Acknowledge their position
• Listen to their feelings, ideas, and
thoughts, without interruption
• Share opposing ideas, feelings and
thoughts without attacking theirs
• Share your perspective/heart….
not just facts
• Work together toward common goal
• Ask “How”…Not “Why”

39. HOARDER SOLUTIONS
• Do not accuse the person
• Present facts without communicating
their intent or heart
• Share your part of conflict
• Equally share responsibility
• Leave room for, “The Rest of the Story”
• Ask, “Why”…Not “How”

40. AVOIDER SOLUTIONS
• Encourage communication
• Let them talk without Verbal or Non-verbal
Response
• Listen attentively
• Give permission to disagree
• Do not be demanding
• Assure follow up (Who does, What
by When)

41. 5-5-5
MANAGING CONFLICT
TOOLS

42. SOLUTION TOOLS
1. Hold Your Thoughts Captive
2. Survey the Situation
3. Careful Consideration
4. BLESS
5. Feedback

43. HOLD THOUGHTS CAPTIVE
We demolish arguments and every
pretension that sets itself up against
the knowledge of God, and we take
captive every thought to make it
obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)

44. HOLD THOUGHTS CAPTIVEBe Ye Transformed, Nancy Missler
• Chain Reaction
Thought Emotion Desire Action
• Evaluation of an incoming thought, prevents an
unwanted action and leads to a renewed mind.
Do not conform to the pattern of this
world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind. Then you will be
able to test and approve what God’s will
is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 (NIV)

45. SURVEY THE SITUATION
Crucial Conversations, Kerry Patterson
• Content
–The content of a problem typically deals
with a single event
• Pattern
–The history of a problem makes the issue
more significant
• Relationship
–The string of disappointments causes
loss of trust in the other person

46. FORMULATE A PLAN
CAREFUL CONSIDERATION
BEFORE YOU SPEAK :
1. Determine their Style
2. Consider their Fear
3. Recognize their Desire
4. Acknowledge their Setbacks
5. Seek their Solutions

47. BLESS
• Biblical Principle
8 Finally, all of you should be of one mind.
Sympathize with each other. Love each
other as brothers and sisters. Be
tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.
9 Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate
with insults when people insult you.
Instead, pay them back with a blessing.
That is what God has called you to do, and
he will bless you for it.
1 Peter 3:8-9 (NLT)

48. BLESSING PRINCIPLE
•B- Begin With Your Observation
•L- Let Them Hear Your Perspective
•E- Encourage Them to Share
•S-Speak With Humility
•S-Seek Common Ground

49. BLESS
• B: Begin With Your Observations
–Observations are a safe beginning
–Avoid conclusions
–Observations of what we saw
• L: Let Them Hear Your Perception
–Sharing how we interpreted what
has occurred
–This is our interpretation about
what we observed

50. BLESS
• E: Encourage Them To Share
– Invite others to share their perception
– Am I willing to learn from this person?
– Be willing to modify and change your
interpretation based this new information
– As they share, the amount of information
increases and we gain new understanding

51. BLESS
• S: Speak with Humility
–Not stated as a fact
–Share in a way that express confidence and
humility
–Helps decrease defensiveness
–Use “I” and not “YOU” statements
–“I am beginning to wonder if...”
–“In my opinion...”
• S: Seek Common Ground
–Be willing to hear all the ideas even if they differ
–Disagree with your own point view
–Ask for opposing and controversial views

52. FEEDBACK
Summarize Dialogue Without Commentary
• Examples
-”I appreciate…”
-”I accept…”
-”I understand…”
• Questions to Consider
- Am I being unreasonable?
- Is it a major or a minor?
- Am I lying to myself?

53. FEEDBACK

54. PRACTICE FEEDBACK
“I appreciate…”
“I accept…”
“I understand…”

55. REFLECTIVE LISTENING
DELIVERER
B- Begin With Your
Observation
L- Let Them Hear Your
Perspective
E- Encourage Them to
Share
S- Speak With Humility
S- Seek Common
Ground
RECEIVER
• Summarize
• Feedback Their Words
• DO NOT Editorialize
• Ask, “Is That Correct?”
IF NO: Repeat Key Points
IF YES: FEEDBACK
• “I Accept…”
• “I Appreciate…”
• “I Understand…”

56. HARMONY
4 Such things were written in the
Scriptures long ago to teach us. And
the Scriptures give us hope and
encouragement as we wait patiently for
God’s promises to be fulfilled. 5 May
God, who gives this patience and
encouragement, help you live in
complete harmony with each other as is
fitting for followers of Christ Jesus.
Romans 15:4-5 (NLT)

57. 5-5-5
MANAGING CONFLICT
PAUL & JULIE MAVROGEORGE