2014 Davis County Leadership Conference, Leader - Know Thyself; Fundamentals of EI skills in conflict resolution Chris Wilson Focusing primarily on self-awareness and empathy as a path to conflict resolution in the workplace.

1. 2014 DAVIS COUNTY2014 DAVIS COUNTY
LEADERSHIP CONFERENCELEADERSHIP CONFERENCE
LEADER – KNOW THYSELFLEADER – KNOW THYSELF
Fundamentals of Emotional Intelligence Skills in Conflict ResolutionFundamentals of Emotional Intelligence Skills in Conflict Resolution
JULY 18, 2014JULY 18, 2014
Chris Wilson, PhD Candidate
Conflict Analysis and Resolution
Nova Southeastern University

3. AGENDAAGENDA
• PresentationPresentation
• Emotional Intelligence – Self awarenessEmotional Intelligence – Self awareness
• Majority of timeMajority of time
• Listening and empathyListening and empathy
• HandoutsHandouts
• Key points of this presentationKey points of this presentation
• SlideShareSlideShare
• This power point in its entiretyThis power point in its entirety
Handout

4. TODAY’S JOURNEYTODAY’S JOURNEY
• Self-awarenessSelf-awareness
• IntuitionIntuition
• NOWNOW
• Self talkSelf talk
• Empathy and listeningEmpathy and listening

5. EXPLORING AND DEVELOPING EI SKILLSEXPLORING AND DEVELOPING EI SKILLS
• Allows us to:Allows us to:
• Motivate ourselvesMotivate ourselves
• Manage stressManage stress
• Resolve conflictResolve conflict
Highly sought after management skillsHighly sought after management skills

6. ANALOGY – GETTING IN SHAPEANALOGY – GETTING IN SHAPE
• Realization things could be betterRealization things could be better
• Decision to explore, experiment, and/or changeDecision to explore, experiment, and/or change
• Baby stepsBaby steps
• Try a new skills = Discomfort (change is hard)Try a new skills = Discomfort (change is hard)
• A result! (Don’t forget to celebrate)A result! (Don’t forget to celebrate)
• Try another new skill = More discomfortTry another new skill = More discomfort
• More results! (More celebration!)More results! (More celebration!)
• Realization there is a different existence if we choose to work for itRealization there is a different existence if we choose to work for it
Imagine youremotions are yoursixth senseBe curious

7. EMOTIONEMOTION
Emotion, move, and motivateEmotion, move, and motivate share the same Latinshare the same Latin
root =root = emovareemovare – to move.– to move.
Emotions areEmotions are
•Strong feelings and that prepare the body forStrong feelings and that prepare the body for actionaction..
•Impulse to actImpulse to act
•EI skills allow you to direct impulsive behaviors in aEI skills allow you to direct impulsive behaviors in a
self-valued and goal-directed manner.self-valued and goal-directed manner.
Works CitedWorks Cited
Nelson, D. B., & Low, G. R. (2011).Nelson, D. B., & Low, G. R. (2011). Emotional Intelligence.Emotional Intelligence. Boston: Prentice HallBoston: Prentice Hall

8. THE PHYSIOLOGY OF EMOTIONSTHE PHYSIOLOGY OF EMOTIONS
• AmygdalaAmygdala – Center in the brain where– Center in the brain where emotionsemotions are stored.are stored.
• Every time memory is builtEvery time memory is built (including right now)(including right now)
• Our cells build anOur cells build an emotionalemotional
connectionconnection to the memory.to the memory.
• When we think about thatWhen we think about that
memorymemory again, theagain, the
emotionemotion is reactivated and sentis reactivated and sent
throughout our bodies.throughout our bodies.

9. • EmotionsEmotions areare cellular signalscellular signals thatthat
translate information intotranslate information into physicalphysical
realityreality..
• Mind and body are inseparable.Mind and body are inseparable.
• Example: MATHExample: MATH
Challenge:Challenge: Awareness and use of these signalsAwareness and use of these signals

10. •SO… WHAT ISSO… WHAT IS

11. Emotional Intelligence:Emotional Intelligence:
1.1. Recognizing our own feelingsRecognizing our own feelings (intrapersonal)(intrapersonal)
Recognizing the feelings of othersRecognizing the feelings of others (interpersonal)(interpersonal)
Motivating ourselvesMotivating ourselves and mand managing emotions well inanaging emotions well in
ourselves and in our relationships.ourselves and in our relationships. (Goleman 2000, p. 317)(Goleman 2000, p. 317)
2. The possession and use of the ability to integrate
thinking, feeling, and behavior to achieve social
tasks and outcomes valued in the host context and
culture. (Bar-On & Parker, 2000, p. 32).
Handout

12. • Connection to Leadership?Connection to Leadership?

13. FROM THE BUSINESS SECTORFROM THE BUSINESS SECTOR
According to Talentsmart:According to Talentsmart:
•90% of top performers have high EI90% of top performers have high EI
•EI is responsible for 58% of job performanceEI is responsible for 58% of job performance
•People with high EI make $29,000 more annually than their low EIPeople with high EI make $29,000 more annually than their low EI
counterpartscounterparts
May 15, 2013 - Bloomberg BusinessWeek announces:May 15, 2013 - Bloomberg BusinessWeek announces:
Yale’s school of management MBA program began testing applicantsYale’s school of management MBA program began testing applicants
for EIfor EI

14. FACTS ABOUT EIFACTS ABOUT EI
Men and women are generallyMen and women are generally
EqualEqual
in total emotional intelligencein total emotional intelligence
EIEI doesn’t meandoesn’t mean “being nice”.“being nice”.
Nor does it meanNor does it mean lettingletting your feelings haveyour feelings have freefree
reinrein
EIEI can be learnedcan be learned andand enhancedenhanced withwith
•MaturityMaturity
•ExperiencesExperiences
•ExercisesExercises

15. EI VS. IQEI VS. IQ
WHAT ARE THE ARGUMENTS?WHAT ARE THE ARGUMENTS?
• Some experts claim that EI…Some experts claim that EI…
• Is more powerful than IQIs more powerful than IQ
• Matters twice as much as IQMatters twice as much as IQ
• Or is the best predictor of success in lifeOr is the best predictor of success in life
• THOUGHTS?THOUGHTS?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=UBTlbO8Kto0

17. EI SKILLS RELATEDNESSEI SKILLS RELATEDNESS
EI skills work together andEI skills work together and
build on one another,build on one another,
beginning with self-beginning with self-
awareness.awareness.
Self-Awareness
Self-Regulation
Social Skills

18. SELF AWARENESSSELF AWARENESS
THREE ESSENTIAL COMPETENCIES:THREE ESSENTIAL COMPETENCIES:
1.1.Emotional AwarenessEmotional Awareness
• Recognize how emotions affect performanceRecognize how emotions affect performance
• Use values to guide decision making.Use values to guide decision making.
2.2.Accurate Self AssessmentAccurate Self Assessment
• Candid sense of strengths and limitationsCandid sense of strengths and limitations
• Clear vision of areas needing improvementClear vision of areas needing improvement
• Ability to learn from experience.Ability to learn from experience.
3.3.Self ConfidenceSelf Confidence
• Courage that comes from certainty about our capabilities, values, and goals.Courage that comes from certainty about our capabilities, values, and goals.
(Goleman 2000)(Goleman 2000)

19. 1. EMOTIONAL AWARENESS1. EMOTIONAL AWARENESS
RECOGNIZING ONE’S EMOTIONS AND THEIR EFFECTSRECOGNIZING ONE’S EMOTIONS AND THEIR EFFECTS
http://youtu.be/ME8ijLsj0Ishttp://youtu.be/ME8ijLsj0Is
People with this competence:People with this competence:
• Know which emotions they’re feeling andKnow which emotions they’re feeling and why.why.
• Realize the link between feelings and what they think, do, and say.Realize the link between feelings and what they think, do, and say.
• Recognize how feelings affect performance.Recognize how feelings affect performance.
• Have a guiding awareness of values and goalsHave a guiding awareness of values and goals
(Goleman 2000, p. 54)(Goleman 2000, p. 54)

20. VALUES AND CONFLICTVALUES AND CONFLICT
When our emotions spike in conflict…When our emotions spike in conflict…
•It’s often a result of our values being challenged.It’s often a result of our values being challenged.
•OurOur emotionsemotions are related to ourare related to our valuesvalues!!
•So when we’re dealing with conflicting values,So when we’re dealing with conflicting values,
we tend to react emotionally.we tend to react emotionally.
CAN YOU THINK OF A CONFLICT YOU’VECAN YOU THINK OF A CONFLICT YOU’VE
HAD THAT DIDN’T INVOLVE VALUES?HAD THAT DIDN’T INVOLVE VALUES?

21. 2. ACCURATE SELF ASSESSMENT2. ACCURATE SELF ASSESSMENT
KNOWING ONE’S INNER RESOURCES, ABILITIES, AND LIMITSKNOWING ONE’S INNER RESOURCES, ABILITIES, AND LIMITS
This means you are:This means you are:
• Aware of strengths and weaknesses (self-regard)Aware of strengths and weaknesses (self-regard)
• Reflective, learning from experienceReflective, learning from experience
• Open to candid feedback, new perspectives, continuousOpen to candid feedback, new perspectives, continuous
learning, and self-developmentlearning, and self-development
• Able to show a sense of humor and perspectives about selfAble to show a sense of humor and perspectives about self
((Goleman 2000, pp. 61-62)Goleman 2000, pp. 61-62)

22. 3.SELF CONFIDENCE3.SELF CONFIDENCE
A STRONG SENSE OF ONE’S SELF-WORTH AND CAPABILITIESA STRONG SENSE OF ONE’S SELF-WORTH AND CAPABILITIES
These people:These people:
• Present themselves with self-assurance; have “presence”Present themselves with self-assurance; have “presence”
• Voice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb forVoice views that are unpopular and go out on a limb for
what’s rightwhat’s right
• Are decisive, able to make sound decisions despiteAre decisive, able to make sound decisions despite
uncertainties and pressuresuncertainties and pressures
(Goleman 2000, p. 68)(Goleman 2000, p. 68)

23. BUILDING A FOUNDATIONBUILDING A FOUNDATION
SELF-AWARENESS
http://youtu.be/Xn4eGjRw_KM
Many assessments help us understand ourselves
better.
Personal preference scale Handout

24. DEBRIEFDEBRIEF
• SafeSafe
• SimpleSimple
• InsightfulInsightful
1.1.Were you surprised by any of your answers?Were you surprised by any of your answers?
2.2.Are you pleased with your answers or do you tend to judge yourself?Are you pleased with your answers or do you tend to judge yourself?
3.3.Would your team(s) be surprised by your answers?Would your team(s) be surprised by your answers?

25. THETHE INSINS OF SELF-AWARENESSOF SELF-AWARENESS
Three important aspects of self-awarenessThree important aspects of self-awareness
•I – IntuitionI – Intuition
•N – NowN – Now
•S – Self-talkS – Self-talk
Handout

26. I - INTUITIONI - INTUITION
WHY?WHY?
It’s at the heart of self-awarenessIt’s at the heart of self-awareness
Self-awareness is the foundation for all other EISelf-awareness is the foundation for all other EI
competencies.competencies.
(Goleman 2000)(Goleman 2000)

27. USING OUR “KNOWER”USING OUR “KNOWER”
• Literally a feelingLiterally a feeling
in the abdomen telling us:in the abdomen telling us:
““Something does/n’t feelSomething does/n’t feel
right.right.””
• Any stories about intuition on the job?Any stories about intuition on the job?

28. QUICK FACTSQUICK FACTS
• Gut feeling – Referred to by scientists as a second brain locatedGut feeling – Referred to by scientists as a second brain located
in our abdomen.in our abdomen.
• Aka – intuition, wisdomAka – intuition, wisdom
• Composed of millions of neurons.Composed of millions of neurons.
• Originates from the neural crest (sameOriginates from the neural crest (same
as our brain).as our brain).
• Beware – some say there are more!Beware – some say there are more!
• ““brain three —in the heart.”brain three —in the heart.”
Cooper, R. K. (2001). The Other 90%. New York: Three Rivers Press.

29. LINKING INTUITION AND LOGICLINKING INTUITION AND LOGIC
EI EXPERTS SAY:EI EXPERTS SAY:
• ““An intuitive decision is nothing but aAn intuitive decision is nothing but a subconscioussubconscious
logicallogical analysisanalysis.”.” (Goleman 2000, p. 54)(Goleman 2000, p. 54)
• It is “the capacity to sense messages from our internalIt is “the capacity to sense messages from our internal
store of emotional memory—store of emotional memory—our own reservoir ofour own reservoir of
wisdom and judgmentwisdom and judgment””
(2000, p. 54)(2000, p. 54)
Remember
the
mind/body
connection?

30. INTUITION
We need to learn
to trust it and trust it often.
Think about a time your intuition told
you something and you didn’t
listen.
What stopped you?
Examples – Regrets, successes?

31. • When we don’t listen, it’sWhen we don’t listen, it’s usuallyusually
because we are trying to pleasebecause we are trying to please
others instead of ourselves.others instead of ourselves.
• Decision making comparison.Decision making comparison.

32. DECISION MAKING COMPARISONDECISION MAKING COMPARISON
• Practice making decisions with your intuition in variousPractice making decisions with your intuition in various
situations.situations.
• For one week, when making decisions write down your gutFor one week, when making decisions write down your gut
decision and then write down your rational decision.decision and then write down your rational decision.
• Your gut decision is almost always an immediateYour gut decision is almost always an immediate
response.response.
• The rational usually follows after.The rational usually follows after.
• If the gut and rational decisions were different, write whichIf the gut and rational decisions were different, write which
one turned out better.one turned out better.
• If they were the same, write down how you felt about theIf they were the same, write down how you felt about the
results.results.
Gordon, J. (2003). Energy Addict. New York: The Berkeley Publishing Group.
Handout

33. CHALLENGE CONTINUEDCHALLENGE CONTINUED
• This exercise will help you get in touch with your intuition for…This exercise will help you get in touch with your intuition for…
• Greater self-awarenessGreater self-awareness
• Learning to trust your gutLearning to trust your gut

34. N - NOWN - NOW
• An emotionally intelligent person lives in the present or “NOW”An emotionally intelligent person lives in the present or “NOW”
• The body is the physical example of NOWness.The body is the physical example of NOWness.
• It can’t leave the present.It can’t leave the present.
• Your mind and your heart can but the body is stuck in the present.Your mind and your heart can but the body is stuck in the present.
• Living in the “now” is often referred to as “mindfulness”Living in the “now” is often referred to as “mindfulness”

35. • Impairs our productivityImpairs our productivity
• Makes us unavailable for the time beingMakes us unavailable for the time being
• Diminishes ability to:Diminishes ability to:
• Gather informationGather information
• ListenListen
• UnderstandUnderstand
• Signs of mindlessness:Signs of mindlessness:
• Where did I leave my keys?Where did I leave my keys?
• Did I remember to take my meds this morning?Did I remember to take my meds this morning?
• Did I turn off the iron before I left the house?Did I turn off the iron before I left the house?
Riskin, L. L. (2004). Mindfulness: Foundational Training for Dispute Resolution.Riskin, L. L. (2004). Mindfulness: Foundational Training for Dispute Resolution. Journal of Legal EducationJournal of Legal Education, 79-90, 79-90..
MINDMINDLESSLESSNESS:NESS:

36. MINDFULNESSMINDFULNESS
by LL. Riskin (2004)by LL. Riskin (2004) Journal of Legal EducationJournal of Legal Education
Mindfulness means:Mindfulness means:
• Being awareBeing aware
• Moment to momentMoment to moment
• Without judgmentWithout judgment
• Of bodily perceptions,Of bodily perceptions,
thoughts, emotions, andthoughts, emotions, and
consciousness (Riskin, 2004)consciousness (Riskin, 2004)
Consider how living NOW helps address issues inConsider how living NOW helps address issues in
real time. Living NOW protects us from living inreal time. Living NOW protects us from living in
the past (causing depression) or future (causingthe past (causing depression) or future (causing
fear or anxiety).fear or anxiety).
Tavistock

37. FAST FACTSFAST FACTS
PAUSING ON THE PRESENTPAUSING ON THE PRESENT
• More than 250 medical centers worldwide now offer mindfulness-basedMore than 250 medical centers worldwide now offer mindfulness-based
therapies for mood and other disorders.therapies for mood and other disorders.
Jha, A. P. (2013). Being in the Now.Jha, A. P. (2013). Being in the Now. Scientific American Mind: Behavior, Brain Science, InsightsScientific American Mind: Behavior, Brain Science, Insights, 26-33., 26-33.
• Mindfulness transforms your reactivity to catastrophic internal signalsMindfulness transforms your reactivity to catastrophic internal signals
by turning down the volume on your amygdala and has a regulating effectby turning down the volume on your amygdala and has a regulating effect
on the mind.on the mind.
Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012).Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The Emotional Life of Your Brain.The Emotional Life of Your Brain. New York: Plume.New York: Plume.
• Controlled breathing interrupts our physiological momentum whichControlled breathing interrupts our physiological momentum which
begins building during conflict and can lead to acting impulsively.begins building during conflict and can lead to acting impulsively.
Hughes, M., & Bradford Terrell, J. (2012). Emotional Intelligence in Action. San Francisco: Pfeiffer.

38. BREATHING EXERCISEBREATHING EXERCISE

39. S – SELF-TALKS – SELF-TALK
TALKING TO YOURSELFTALKING TO YOURSELF
OUT LOUDOUT LOUD
DO NOT BELIEVE NAYSAYERS WHO SAY YOUDO NOT BELIEVE NAYSAYERS WHO SAY YOU
ARE CRAZY IF YOU TALK TO YOURSELF!ARE CRAZY IF YOU TALK TO YOURSELF!
•““Talking out loud enhances your ability to think byTalking out loud enhances your ability to think by
stimulating the corpus callosum (our thinker) tostimulating the corpus callosum (our thinker) to
function on a much higher level” (p. 112).function on a much higher level” (p. 112).
(Leaf, 2007, p. 112)(Leaf, 2007, p. 112)

40. SPEAK FOR YOURSELFSPEAK FOR YOURSELFJABR, & FERRIS. (2014, JANUARY/FEBRUARY). SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN MIND, PP. 45-51.
SELF TALKSELF TALK
•WeWe depend on itdepend on it toto solve problemssolve problems,, readread andand writewrite,, motivate ourselvesmotivate ourselves,, plan for theplan for the
futurefuture, and, and learn fromlearn from ourour mistakesmistakes..
•It’s usedIt’s used for self-regulationfor self-regulation: steering attention,: steering attention,
taming unruly emotions and proper etiquette.taming unruly emotions and proper etiquette.
•It’s aIt’s a readily available source of motivationreadily available source of motivation
andand confidenceconfidence..
•It’sIt’s most important purposemost important purpose is to help usis to help us maintain a sense of selfmaintain a sense of self in the every day, on-in the every day, on-
going narratives of our lives.going narratives of our lives.
•Researchers suggest –Researchers suggest – to know yourself, you have to talk to yourselfto know yourself, you have to talk to yourself..
• Helen Keller stated that before she learned language, she didn’t have a sense of self-Helen Keller stated that before she learned language, she didn’t have a sense of self-
awareness.awareness.

41. WORDWORD
““The words you speak are electromagnetic life forces thatThe words you speak are electromagnetic life forces that
come from a thought inside your brain and are influencedcome from a thought inside your brain and are influenced
by your five senses.”by your five senses.”
““They contain power and work hand in hand with yourThey contain power and work hand in hand with your
thought life, influencing the world around you and thethought life, influencing the world around you and the
circumstances of your life”circumstances of your life” (Leaf, 2008, p. 115).(Leaf, 2008, p. 115).
Leaf, C. D. (2008).Leaf, C. D. (2008). Who Switched Off My Brain?Who Switched Off My Brain? Dallas: Switch on Your Brain USA Inc.Dallas: Switch on Your Brain USA Inc.

42. SELF-TALK NEEDS TO BE:SELF-TALK NEEDS TO BE:
•POWERFULPOWERFUL
•PERSONALPERSONAL
•PRESENTPRESENT
•POSITIVEPOSITIVE
This kind of self talk can change our outlook andThis kind of self talk can change our outlook and
attitude!attitude!

44. SELF-TALK EXERCISESELF-TALK EXERCISE
Handout

45. WHY ARE THE WORDS LEADER’S SPEAKWHY ARE THE WORDS LEADER’S SPEAK
SO IMPORTANT?SO IMPORTANT?
InIn Daring GreatlyDaring Greatly, Brene Brown states:, Brene Brown states:
•““The gap between what we say and what we doThe gap between what we say and what we do
creates disengagement.”creates disengagement.” (Brown, 2012, pp. 178-179)(Brown, 2012, pp. 178-179)
CAUTION!CAUTION!
•Personal to publicPersonal to public
•Integrate - our words must line up with whatIntegrate - our words must line up with what
our mind, heart, and gut knowour mind, heart, and gut know

46. REVIEWREVIEW
What are the INS of self-awareness?What are the INS of self-awareness?
I - INTUITIONI - INTUITION
N - NOWN - NOW
S – SELF-TALKS – SELF-TALK

48. READY FOR A SELF-AWARENESS EXERCISE?READY FOR A SELF-AWARENESS EXERCISE?
• Please take out your phonePlease take out your phone
• Give it a quick check, lock it down or turn it off if there isGive it a quick check, lock it down or turn it off if there is
highly confidential information available.highly confidential information available.
• Now hand your phone to the neighbor on your right.Now hand your phone to the neighbor on your right.
• PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO HOW YOU’RE FEELING.PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO HOW YOU’RE FEELING.

49. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
• Digital immigrants (32>) vs. digital natives (<32)Digital immigrants (32>) vs. digital natives (<32)
• New studies on digital natives showNew studies on digital natives show
the part of their brain that control compassionthe part of their brain that control compassion
and empathy are underdeveloped due to tech use.and empathy are underdeveloped due to tech use.
• What is your hypothesis?What is your hypothesis?
• Studies indicate its due to lack of face timeStudies indicate its due to lack of face time
• Why are some people addicted to their phones?Why are some people addicted to their phones?
• Every text, e-mail, or call is a hit of dopamine – one of our happy chemicalsEvery text, e-mail, or call is a hit of dopamine – one of our happy chemicals

50. EMOTIONAL AWARENESS EXERCISEEMOTIONAL AWARENESS EXERCISE
A. How are you feeling right now?A. How are you feeling right now?
• Are youAre you anxiousanxious,, relievedrelieved,, angryangry, etc.?, etc.?
B. Use your handout to identify:B. Use your handout to identify:
•At least 1 emotion you are feeling.At least 1 emotion you are feeling.
•Any physical sensations you’reAny physical sensations you’re
experiencing.experiencing. Handout

51. C. WHEN YOU’RE DONE, THANK YOUR NEIGHBOR FOR
TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOUR PHONE AND POLITELY
REQUEST IT BACK.

52. EMOTIONAL AWARENESS EXERCISEEMOTIONAL AWARENESS EXERCISE
DEBRIEFDEBRIEF
1. Was this exercise easy or difficult?1. Was this exercise easy or difficult?
2.Is it easier to talk about certain emotions? Why?2.Is it easier to talk about certain emotions? Why?
3. Which emotion is hardest to talk about?3. Which emotion is hardest to talk about?
A key aspect of emotional intelligence is having an emotional vocabulary.A key aspect of emotional intelligence is having an emotional vocabulary.
•This exercise was developed to elicit a reactionThis exercise was developed to elicit a reaction
However…However…
•Are weAre we generallygenerally aware of our emotions?aware of our emotions?

53. LACK EMOTIONAL AWARENESSLACK EMOTIONAL AWARENESS
• ““Alexithymia” – psychiatric term for peopleAlexithymia” – psychiatric term for people
with a confused awareness of their own feelings.with a confused awareness of their own feelings.
•Barriers and consequences -Barriers and consequences -
+ Busy schedules+ Busy schedules
+ Emotional oblivion+ Emotional oblivion
+ Ignoring messages our bodies are sending+ Ignoring messages our bodies are sending
= Chronic headaches, backaches, anxiety= Chronic headaches, backaches, anxiety

54. ALEXITHYMIA RESEARCHALEXITHYMIA RESEARCH
PARKER, J. D., TAYLOR, G. J., & BAGBY, R. M. (2001). THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
AND ALEXITHYMIA. PERSONALITY AND INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES, 107-115.
Features of AlexithymiaFeatures of Alexithymia
•Difficulty identifying and describingDifficulty identifying and describing
subjective feelings and reading emotions andsubjective feelings and reading emotions and
facial expressions of othersfacial expressions of others
•Limited capacity for empathyLimited capacity for empathy
•Difficulty discriminating among differentDifficulty discriminating among different
emotional statesemotional states
•Limited ability to think about and useLimited ability to think about and use
emotions to cope with stressful situationsemotions to cope with stressful situations
Research outcomes: Alexithymia is associatedResearch outcomes: Alexithymia is associated
with:with:
•Maladaptive defense and coping stylesMaladaptive defense and coping styles
•Vulnerability to stressVulnerability to stress
•Psychiatric disordersPsychiatric disorders
•Somatic illnesses related to stress adjustmentSomatic illnesses related to stress adjustment
The study also indicates:The study also indicates:
•High emotional intelligence might be aHigh emotional intelligence might be a
protective factor for mental and physicalprotective factor for mental and physical
healthhealth

55. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR LEADERS TOWHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR LEADERS TO
DEVELOP SELF-AWARENESS?DEVELOP SELF-AWARENESS?
MIRROR NEURONSMIRROR NEURONS
First introduced in 1998 at “Toward a Science of Consciousness” Conference,First introduced in 1998 at “Toward a Science of Consciousness” Conference,
Tucson, Az.Tucson, Az.
Iacoboni, M. (2008).Iacoboni, M. (2008). Mirroring People: The new science of how we connect with others.Mirroring People: The new science of how we connect with others. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

56. MIRROR NEURONSMIRROR NEURONS
• Approximately 20% of our brain cells areApproximately 20% of our brain cells are
mirror neurons.mirror neurons.
• Babies are using them when they begin to walk, drink fromBabies are using them when they begin to walk, drink from
a cup, use a fork.a cup, use a fork.
• Help us navigate our day.Help us navigate our day.
• Explain why we dress like our friends, drive similar cars,Explain why we dress like our friends, drive similar cars,
join the same clubs, and have similar hobbies.join the same clubs, and have similar hobbies.
• Bind us with each other, mentally and emotionally.Bind us with each other, mentally and emotionally.
Iacoboni, M. (2008).Iacoboni, M. (2008). Mirroring People: The new science of how we connect with others.Mirroring People: The new science of how we connect with others.
New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

57. WeWe connect with othersconnect with others through ourthrough our
emotionsemotions..
•Songs – Jeremiah was a bullfrogSongs – Jeremiah was a bullfrog
•BooksBooks
•MoviesMovies
•PoetryPoetry
•StorytellingStorytelling
EMOTIONS ARE CATCHYEMOTIONS ARE CATCHY

58. MIRROR NEURONS…MIRROR NEURONS…
• Are key in helping usAre key in helping us readread the worldthe world
around us.around us.
• Make sure that by seeing other’s emotions,Make sure that by seeing other’s emotions,
wewe shareshare them.them.
• Are the foundation ofAre the foundation of empathyempathy..
• GREAT TRANSITION TO OUR NEXT TOPIC.GREAT TRANSITION TO OUR NEXT TOPIC.
Iacoboni, M. (2008).Iacoboni, M. (2008). Mirroring People: The new science of how we connect with others.Mirroring People: The new science of how we connect with others. New York: Farrar,New York: Farrar,
Straus and Giroux.Straus and Giroux.

59. CONFLICTCONFLICT
““CONFLICT IS THE ARROW POINTING TOCONFLICT IS THE ARROW POINTING TO
WHAT WE NEED TO LEARN MOST!”WHAT WE NEED TO LEARN MOST!”
-Kenneth Cloke--Kenneth Cloke-
07/17/14 59

60. ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TOONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO
APPROACH CONFLICT…APPROACH CONFLICT…
http://youtu.be/jYc6PmHI_Y8 Handout

61. EMPATHYEMPATHY
• Empathy - Being able to see theEmpathy - Being able to see the
situationsituation from the standpoint of thefrom the standpoint of the
otherother in order to help them succeed.in order to help them succeed.
HERE WE ARE
BACK AT
EMOTIONAL
CONNECTIONS!

62. EMPATHY IN THE WORKPLACEEMPATHY IN THE WORKPLACE
COMPETENCIES:COMPETENCIES:
UNDERSTANDING OTHERSUNDERSTANDING OTHERS: Sensing others’ feelings and: Sensing others’ feelings and
perspectives, and taking an active interest in their concerns.perspectives, and taking an active interest in their concerns.
DEVELOPING OTHERSDEVELOPING OTHERS:: Sensing other’s development needs
and bolstering their abilities.
SERVICE ORIENTATION: Anticipating, recognizing, and
meeting customers’ needs.
LEVERAGING DIVERSITY: Cultivating opportunities through
different kinds of people
POLITICAL AWARENESS: Reading a group’s emotional
currents and power relationships
(Goleman 2000)(Goleman 2000)

63. CRUCIAL KEY TO EMPATHYCRUCIAL KEY TO EMPATHY
LISTENING!
Further,
It’s my
Opinion
That…

65. THINK ABOUT ITTHINK ABOUT IT
Name some professionals that are paid well to listen:Name some professionals that are paid well to listen:
•THERAPISTSTHERAPISTS
•COUNSELORSCOUNSELORS
•ATTORNEYSATTORNEYS
•MARRIAGE COUNSELORSMARRIAGE COUNSELORS
•JUDGESJUDGES
•SURGEONSSURGEONS
IS LISTENING EASY OR HARD?IS LISTENING EASY OR HARD?

66. LISTEN UP THE GAMELISTEN UP THE GAME
• Who is your Best communicator?Who is your Best communicator?
• INSTRUCTIONS: Draw what the instructor says inside the Listen Up box in yourINSTRUCTIONS: Draw what the instructor says inside the Listen Up box in your
handout!handout!
• Audience: You MAY NOT ask questions.Audience: You MAY NOT ask questions.
• Instructor’s verbal description of the object:Instructor’s verbal description of the object:
• May notMay not refer to real world objects, i.e., draw an “egg”refer to real world objects, i.e., draw an “egg”
• MayMay use technical terms such as “draw an oval in the center of your page”use technical terms such as “draw an oval in the center of your page”
• May notMay not say “draw a ‘V’’say “draw a ‘V’’
• MayMay say “Make a triangle pointing down, leaving off the top horizontal linesay “Make a triangle pointing down, leaving off the top horizontal line””
Handout

67. LISTEN UP DEBRIEFLISTEN UP DEBRIEF
• What does this say about communication?What does this say about communication?
• What was the hardest part?What was the hardest part?
• Are you better at listening for facts or feelings?Are you better at listening for facts or feelings?

68. INFLUENCEINFLUENCE
 Scientific American Mind JournalScientific American Mind Journal – Nov/Dec. 2012– Nov/Dec. 2012
 How to Use your Ears to Influence PeopleHow to Use your Ears to Influence People (Toni Rodriguez, p. 20)(Toni Rodriguez, p. 20)
 Research study rated co-workers on:Research study rated co-workers on:
 InfluenceInfluence
 verbal expressionverbal expression
 listening behaviorslistening behaviors
ResultsResults::
GOOD LISTENINGGOOD LISTENING SKILLSSKILLS
HAD A STRONGER EFFECTHAD A STRONGER EFFECT
ONON INFLUCENCEINFLUCENCE
THAN TALKING!THAN TALKING!

69. IT’S NOT ABOUT THE NAILIT’S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL
How is she feeling?How is she feeling?
•http://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOghttp://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg
•I know it’s hard…I know it’s hard…
•But DON’T TRY TO SOLVE THE OTHERBut DON’T TRY TO SOLVE THE OTHER
PERSON’S PROBLEM!PERSON’S PROBLEM!

70. DIFFERENCE BETWEENDIFFERENCE BETWEEN
EMPATHY AND SYMPATHYEMPATHY AND SYMPATHY

71. EMPATHY EXERCISEEMPATHY EXERCISE
1. Think of a time someone was empathetic with you.1. Think of a time someone was empathetic with you.
2. What was the situation?2. What was the situation?
3. How did you know they were being empathetic?3. How did you know they were being empathetic?
• Did they cry, listen, provide a need, etc.?Did they cry, listen, provide a need, etc.?
4. How did it make you feel?4. How did it make you feel?
I’ll go first…I’ll go first…
5. In groups of two or three, take turns answering questions 1-4.

72. BENEFITS OF EMPATHY IN CONFLICTBENEFITS OF EMPATHY IN CONFLICT
 Makes contentious exchanges more collaborativeMakes contentious exchanges more collaborative
 Fosters resiliencyFosters resiliency
 Opens lines of communicationOpens lines of communication
 Helps with flexibilityHelps with flexibility
 The foundation of empathy is SELF-The foundation of empathy is SELF-
AWARENESS. We must know ourselvesAWARENESS. We must know ourselves
before we know others.before we know others.
 Hughes, M., & Bradford Terrell, J. (2012).Hughes, M., & Bradford Terrell, J. (2012). Emotional Intelligence in Action.Emotional Intelligence in Action. San Francisco: Pfeiffer.San Francisco: Pfeiffer.

73. BENEFITS OF EMPATHY IN CONFLICTBENEFITS OF EMPATHY IN CONFLICT
 ACCURATE COMMUNICATIONSACCURATE COMMUNICATIONS
 SHIFTS BALANCE OF THE CONVERSATIONSHIFTS BALANCE OF THE CONVERSATION
 CREATES TRUSTCREATES TRUST
 MAKES ADVICE MORE PERSUASIVEMAKES ADVICE MORE PERSUASIVE
Hughes, M., & Bradford Terrell, J. (2012).Hughes, M., & Bradford Terrell, J. (2012). Emotional Intelligence in Action.Emotional Intelligence in Action. San Francisco: Pfeiffer.San Francisco: Pfeiffer.

75. BUILDING BLOCKS TO EMPATHYBUILDING BLOCKS TO EMPATHY
 Learn to read body languageLearn to read body language
 Attend toAttend to
 facial expressionsfacial expressions
 breathingbreathing
 postureposture
 and tonalityand tonality
 Attempt to match his or her physical state in your ownAttempt to match his or her physical state in your own
body.body.
 ResonanceResonance
 MirroringMirroring
Hughes, M., & Bradford Terrell, J. (2012).Hughes, M., & Bradford Terrell, J. (2012). Emotional Intelligence in Action.Emotional Intelligence in Action. San Francisco: Pfeiffer.San Francisco: Pfeiffer.

76. PRACTICING EMPATHYPRACTICING EMPATHY
 Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
 ASK: How would I feel in their situation?ASK: How would I feel in their situation?
 Seek to understand the role of the other and the demands they face.Seek to understand the role of the other and the demands they face.
INQUIREINQUIRE..
If someone says something that isn’t completely clear, you say:If someone says something that isn’t completely clear, you say:
““That’s interesting; tell me more.”That’s interesting; tell me more.”
 Open ended questionsOpen ended questions
 Anything that will get them to expoundAnything that will get them to expound
Handout

77. • EIEI
• Self-awarenessSelf-awareness
• IntuitionIntuition
• NowNow
• Self-talkSelf-talk
• Listening and EmpathyListening and Empathy

78. CONSIDER…CONSIDER…
Picking one of thePicking one of the INSINS. Work on it. Read literature. Develop it before moving to the next.. Work on it. Read literature. Develop it before moving to the next.
•INTUITIONINTUITION
•NOWNOW
•SELF-TALKSELF-TALK
Begin practicing listening skills by listening to others without interrupting.Begin practicing listening skills by listening to others without interrupting.
Begin practicing empathy skills with a simple statement such as “That sounds really hard!”Begin practicing empathy skills with a simple statement such as “That sounds really hard!”
Be kind and patient with yourself and others duringBe kind and patient with yourself and others during
any change process.any change process.

79. SUGGESTED READING LIST
• People Skills: How to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts by Dr. Robert
Bolton (1979)
General communication skills including conflict management skills.
• Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (2000)
Emotional Intelligence in the workplace.
• What Every Body is Saying by Joe Navarro (2008)
Reading, interpreting, and understanding body language.
• What Happy People Know by Dan Baker, PhD (2003)
Explores concepts such as happiness and more.
Handout

80. Handout

81. Bibliography
Bar-On, R., & Parker, J. D. (2000). The Handbook of Emotional Intelligence. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Brown, B. P. (2012). Daring Greatly. New York: Gotham Books.
Cooper, R. K. (2001). The Other 90%. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The Emotional Life of Your Brain. New York: Plume.
Goleman, D. P. (2000). Working with Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books.
Gordon, J. (2003). Energy Addict. New York: The Berkeley Publishing Group.
Hughes, M., & Bradford Terrell, J. (2012). Emotional Intelligence in Action. San Francisco: Pfeiffer.
Iacoboni, M. (2008). Mirroring People: The new science of how we connect with others. New York: Farrar, Straus and
Giroux.
Jabr, & Ferris. (2014, January/February). Speak for Yourself. Scientific American Mind, pp. 45-51.
Jha, A. P. (2013). Being in the Now. Scientific American Mind: Behavior, Brain Science, Insights, 26-33.
Leaf, C. D. (2008). Who Switched Off My Brain? Dallas: Switch on Your Brain USA Inc.
Mayer, J. D., Salovey, P., & Caruso, D. R. (2004). Emotional Intelligence: Theory, Findings, and Implications.
Psychological Inquiry, 197-215.
Mills, L. B. (2009). A Meta-analysis of the Relationship Between Emotional Intelligence and Effective Leadership.
Journal of Curriculum and Instruction, 22-38.
Nelson, D. B., & Low, G. R. (2011). Emotional Intelligence. Boston: Prentice Hall .
Parker, J. D., Taylor, G. J., & Bagby, R. M. (2001). The relationship between emotional intelligence and alexithymia.
Personality and Individual Differences, 107-115.
Riskin, L. L. (2004). Mindfulness: Foundational Training for Dispute Resolution. Journal of Legal Education, 79-90.

82. QUESTIONS?QUESTIONS?
Feel free to contact me at:Feel free to contact me at:
II HEARHEARTT
RESOLRESOLUUTIONTION
The EndThe End
Iheartresolution@gmail.com