An overview of Positive Parenting Strategies for raising children through positive approaches. Contains strategies for preventing and treating challenging behavior

1. POSITIVE PARENTING Steve Vitto's

3. "...subjection to rule; submissiveness to control; to keep in subjection." It seems there are two schools of thought on what discipline is. One involves helping a person function more effectively in the world, and the other involves keeping a person doing what someone else wants him to do--as in slavery.” B.E. Penel PhD “… rarely have I heard the word discipline used to mean helping a child function more effectively in the world. The usual meaning involves finding ways to make the child do what the parents want him to do…” B.E. Penel PhD HISTORICALLY DISCIPLINE HAS HAD TWO DISTINCT MEANINGS:

6. "My vision is that all children are raised lovingly and non-violently and with discipline that motivates them through love, not through fear.” - Deborah Critzer, Positive Parenting

7. Positive Guidance and Discipline

14. Which Parenting Style Are You?

27. Parenting styles and consequent effects on children Would you describe your own parents as strict? What does that mean? Authoritarian parenting style – “My house, my rules.” Strict and punitive. Permissive-neglectful – The parents own lives are far more important than are the children. Lets the child do whatever s/he pleases mainly because the parent does not want to take time with the child. Permissive-indulgent – Highly involved with the child but places very few demands on the child; high belief in basic goodness of the child and belief that the child does not need controls in order to grow into a good and competent individual; “hippy” style of parenting. Authoritative (democratic) – Controls and rules are in place, but they are not enforced capriciously (at the whim of the parent); rules are explained and are open to debate in the family; once decided, however, all family members are expected to observe the rules. Parents show warmth to children and are supportive (always “there for them”). As you might suspect, most parents use combinations of these styles and may vary from time-to-time and from child-to-child.

28. Consequences (from research) of the various parenting styles: Authoritarian – strict childrearing is associated with moderate school performance (grades of “C” and “B”) relatively lower creativity relatively lower involvement in problems behaviors poorer social skills lower self-esteem higher levels of depression Permissive-neglectful – children perform lowest in all categories Permissive-indulgent – a mixed bag of results most likely to be involved in problem behaviors perform less well in school, but high creativity higher self-esteem lower levels of depression may have good social skills, but unrealistic expectations of peers and others Authoritative – children perform highest in all categories

29. Discipline vs. punishment vs. abuse Discipline - training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement (Webster); disciple – one who follows the teaching of another. Punishment – a penalty imposed for wrongdoing; rough handling; mistreatment. Abuse – maltreatment; excessive use of punishment; exploitation. Rather obviously, we want to be using discipline—teaching the child. Punishment is less desirable and unnecessary. Of course, natural consequences may seem like punishment, but they are not the same. Most (about 90-95%) of psychologists agree that corporal punishment should not be used with children. For example, out of several hundred psychology textbooks I have used or reviewed, not a single one has ever taken a position that corporal punishment is a recommendable practice. Yet 70 – 90% of parents have spanked their children. Why?

33. Child abuse comes in different forms: Physical abuse – where does spanking end and physical abuse begin? Emotional abuse – “You are stupid, I wish you had never been born.” Sexual abuse – even in this one, people debate the definitions Neglect – failure to provide for the basic needs of the child The point is: Opinions and judgments are heavily involved in child abuse statistics, ideas about what should be done about “abuse,” once defined, and in the interplay between scientific approaches and cases in courts.

34. Rates of child abuse – problems with statistics One things seems very clear: Rates of child abuse are considerably higher than is reflected in existing statistics. Reasons: Children do not feel that adults should be challenged. If an adult is doing something, no matter how extreme, the child’s tendency is to accept it as the way it is. There is still tremendous shame, guilt and fear associated with abuse and in making family abuse known to persons outside the family. This is especially true in sexual abuse cases. Although it is changing, there remains an ethic of minimal state intervention in private matters of home and family. Even persons who work abuse cases may become ambivalent about prosecuting abuse. They become painfully aware of the cold realities of available alternatives for the child.

35. People are not for hitting, And children are people too. --John Valusek, Wichita, KS http:// www.nospank.net/valusek.htm

36. If you were abused as a child, are you doomed to be a bad parent or to abuse your children? The answer is no! No amount of maltreatment you received “dooms” you to anything. Only about one-third of persons who were abused go on to abuse their children, which is pretty close to the proportion of non-abused persons who abuse their children by some definition of abuse. Reminder of Burden’s rule of turn-around: If a child can have at least one warm, caring person in their life, it can undo a great deal of abuse at the hands of others (see page 280 in text). If you know a child whom you believe to be maltreated, Be a friend to the child—listen, be there for her/him Smile warmly at children; let them know you like them Give your time to youth activities— be a coach, a Scout Leader, a Sunday School teacher Be a child advocate—a trained volunteer position to help safeguard the best interests of the child .

37. Effects of divorce on children Time for one of John’s simple logic lessons: If the marriage is so stressful, so terrible, and so hopeless that there is constant strife, a lack of love in the home, and the child is constantly upset, then, obviously divorce is better than staying together. That having been said, divorce is not good for children. A wide variety of ill effects are correlationally related to divorce. It is much better to have two caregivers in a positive functional relationship. However, the majority of children of divorce do not have significant adjustment problems. If divorce is unavoidable, then some things can help the child(ren): Try to fight and discuss the impending divorce in private Never use the child as a pawn, and do not use custody threats as a weapon of power Try to remain friends as, much as possible, after the divorce Use classes and support groups for adjustment in the first two years after the divorce

40. How do children develop self-regulation and morality? Scenarios: Billy is 3 years; baby sister Felicia is 10 months. While changing Felicia, Billy demands you attention—now! A good response to Billy might be, “Sissy needs her diaper changed or it might hurt her. We don’t want Sissy to hurt do we?” (encourages empathy) Or, “ It is Sissy’s turn right now—she’s a baby. You’re a big boy. After I change Sissy, it will be your turn.” (builds norm of reciprocity) Or, (Ignoring Billy’s whining) “This is the way we change sister, will you help me. Help me, please, and then I will get your juice.” (involvement builds other-orientation) Don’t say: “Be quiet Billy, you’re being selfish. I am changing your sister now.” (focus on Billy’s faults)

49. Albert Schweitzer once said: "There are three ways we teach our children. The first is by example; the second is by example; and the third is by example."

51. THE END A 2003 PBS PROJECT