The document provides tips for revising business messages and documents to improve readability and conciseness. Some key points discussed include removing redundant words, limiting long lead-ins, dropping unnecessary fillers, avoiding flabby expressions, jargon, slang, cliches and buried verbs. The document also recommends using precise words, controlling exuberance, organizing information with lists and tables, and designing documents with readable formatting.

1. 1
REVISING BUSINESS MESSAGES
Muttahir Ahmed Khan
Assistant Professor
Mohammad Ali Jinnah University,
Karachi.

2. 2
The Writing Process

3. 3
Improving content and
sentence structure
May involve adding,
cutting, and recasting.
Correcting grammar,
spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics
Proofreading
Revising

4. 4
Memo Revised for Conciseness

5. 5
Concise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate flabby
expressions.
Instead of this
We are of the opinion that
Please feel free to
In addition to the above
At this point in time
Despite the fact that
Try this
We think
Please
Also
Now
Although

6. 6
Limit Long Lead-Ins
Instead of this
This memo is to inform
you that all employees
meet today.
I am writing this letter
to say thanks to
everyone who voted.
Try this
All employees
meet today.
Thanks to
everyone who
voted.

7. 7
Drop Unnecessary Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
is/was and it is/was when used merely to take
up space.
Instead of this
There is only one
employee who should
be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff
who were honored.
Try this
Only one employee
should be
promoted.
Lisa and Jeff were
honored.

8. 8
Quick
Check
Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby
expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary
there is/it is fillers.
A new health
benefit plan is
available for
employees.
This e-mail message is to
inform you that there is a
new health benefit plan
available for employees.
I would like to take this
opportunity to inform
everyone that in all
probability we expect to
win the contract.
We probably will
win the contract.

9. 9
Quick
Check
Revise the following sentences to achieve
conciseness.
Two contracts are
also attached.
In addition to the above,
there are two contracts
that are attached hereto.
Despite the fact that most
information is posted on
the company intranet,
please feel free to call
whenever necessary.
Although most
information is posted
on the company
intranet, please call
whenever necessary.

10. 10
Remove Redundant Words
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?

11. 11
Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?

12. 12
Dump Trite Expressions
Trite and Outdated
as per your request
pursuant to your request
attached hereto
under separate cover
Modern
at your request
at your request
attached
separately

13. 13
Jargon
Computer Jargon
queue
export
bandwidth
Alternative
list of documents
waiting to be printed
transfer data from one
program to another
Internet capacity
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.
Is jargon ever permissible?

14. 14
Slang
to “bag on”
clueless
turkey
chill/chill out
to tease, to nag, or to
complain
unaware, naïve
someone stupid or silly
relax
Avoid slang (informal expressions with
arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).

15. 15
Slang
That restaurant was a real barf-out.
(a displeasing place).
I met many amigos at Lever
Brothers. (friends).
"Help! We're completely out of
ammunition!" (toilet paper)
"I was hoping to get my homework
completed, but it's no biggie. " (sth
important)
"I made a booboo on the last
question of the exam." (a mistake)
"I'm completely bushed."
(completely tired)
"Why are you wearing such cheesy
clothes?" (cheap; outmoded)
“Pantene is totally cool!" (excellent;
superb )
"I've had enough of your crap." (lies)
"If you keep acting so dorky, you'll
never get a girlfriend!" (strange;
peculiar)
"That's really cool, dude!" (male)
"Dave gave a dynamite
presentation." (powerful; excellent)
"Bill Gates is kind of a geek."
(someone who works too hard, is more
intelligent than usual, and is slightly
unattractive )
"There must be a glitch in this
softwware." (flaw)
"This project is causing me to go
bananas!" (go slightly mad)
"It took a lot of guts to ask his boss
for a raise." (courage)
"I paid $10,000 for my computer.
What a rip off!" (fraud)

16. 16
Clichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions).
Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this
Last but not least, you
should keep your nose
to the grindstone.
We had reached the
end of our rope.
Try this
Finally, you should
work diligently.
We could go no
further.

17. 17
Clichés
above board - honest
across the board - all or everything
sweep the board - win everything
amateur - non-professional or un-
paid
apple of his eye/apple of your
eye/apple of my eye - a person
much adored or doted on
apple-pie bed - practical joke
(don't) throw the baby out with the
bath water - lose a good opportunity
as part of a bigger clear-out
take a back seat - have little or only
observational involvement in
something
bring home the bacon - achieve a
challenge, bring back the prize or
earn a living
save your bacon - to save from
injury or loss (material, reputation,
etc)
my bad/it's my bad - "It's my
fault/mistake"
battle of the bulge - diet/lose weight
get out of the wrong side of the
bed - be in a bad mood
bedlam - chaos
bite the bullet - do or decide to do
something very difficult
to have kissed the Blarney Stone -
possessing great persuasive ability
brass neck/brass-neck/brass
necked - boldness or
impudence/audacious, rude

18. 18
Quick
Check
Finally, the
attorney referred
to an identical
case.
Last but not least, the
attorney referred back to
an exactly identical case.
With a little advance
warning, we could have
sold out before our stocks
tanked.
With warning, we
could have sold
out before our
stocks hit bottom.
Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.

19. 19
Ms. Miller, who is
straightforward,
demanded
completion by
January 1.
Ms. Miller, who shoots
straight from the shoulder,
demanded final completion
by January 1.
Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.
As you requested,
a check for $150 is
enclosed.
Pursuant to your request,
enclosed please find a
check for $150.

20. 20
Buried Verbs
Revise verbs that have been
converted to nouns.
Look for words ending in
tion or ment. Could they
be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
Tip

21. 21
Instead of this
The manager came to
the realization that
telecommuting made
sense.
A job seeker must make
application before May
1.
Try this
The manager
realized that
telecommuting
made sense.
A job seeker must
apply before
May 1.
Buried Verbs

22. 22
Instead of this
Once we have the
establishment of a
Web site, our
business will grow.
Please give serious
consideration to a
company intranet.
Try this
Once we establish a
Web site, our
business will grow.
Please seriously
consider a company
intranet.
Buried Verbs

23. 23
Control Exuberance
To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers
such as very, definitely, quite, completely,
extremely, really, actually, and totally
Excessive
The manager is actually
quite pleased with your
proposal because the
plan is definitely
workable.
Businesslike
The manager is
pleased with your
proposal because
the plan is
workable.

24. 24
Precise Words
Revise your writing to include precise words.
Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and
vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.
Unclear
The man asked for a
raise.
An employee
presented a
proposal.
More Precise
Jeff Jones asked for a 10
percent salary increase.
Safeer Ahmed, production
manager, presented a
plan to stagger hours.

25. 25
Precise Words
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
all-purpose ones.
Instead of this
They thought her
report was good.
She said she would
get in touch.
Try this
The management council
thought Erin’s report was
factual and well written.
Seema said she would
send you an e-mail.

26. 26
Quick
Check
The seller
promised to e-mail
(telephone or fax)
you.
The seller said he
definitely would contact
you.
We must give
encouragement to our
team.
We must
encourage our
team.
In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.

27. 27
Moviegoers prefer
buttered popcorn.
Moviegoers actually show
a total preference for
buttered popcorn.
Please assess the
home’s value.
Please make an
assessment of the home’s
value.
Ann suggested
that we hire Lee.
Ann made a suggestion
that we hire Lee.
In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.

28. 28
Designing Documents for
Readability
Employ white space.
 Headings
 Short paragraphs
 Ragged-right margins

29. 29
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Serif typefaces have small features at
ends of strokes. Useful for body text.
Times New Roman
Century
Georgia
Garamond
Designing Documents for
Readability

30. 30
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without
features. Useful for headings, signs, and
noncontinuous reading material.
Arial
Tahoma
Verdana
Calibri
Designing Documents for
Readability

31. 31
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use bulleted and numbered lists.
 Break up complex information into
smaller chunks.
 Use numbered lists for sequences.
 Use bulleted lists for items that don’t
require a certain order.

32. 32
Instead of this
To clean the printer, you
should do the following.
First, you should
disconnect the power
cord. Then you open the
front cover, and the
printer area should be
cleaned with a soft cloth.
Try this
To clean the printer, do
the following:
1. Disconnect the power
cord.
2. Open the front cover.
3. Clean the printer with
a soft cloth.
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use a numbered list for instructions.

33. 33
Instead of this
On April 3 we will be in
Toledo, and the speaker is
Troy Lee. On May 20 we
will be in Detroit, and the
speaker is Sue Wu.
Try this
Date City Speaker
April 3 Toledo Troy
Lee
May 20 Detroit Sue Wu
Designing Documents for
Readability
Organize information with column headings.

34. 34
Instead of this
Our team constantly tries
to achieve our goals,
customer service must be
improved, and our
production targets must
be met.
Try this
Our team constantly
tries to (a) achieve our
goals, (b) improve
customer service, and
(c) hit our production
targets.
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use letters to list items within sentences.
Strive for parallelism.

35. 35
Instead of this
The next topic is
vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
on May 1.
To assist employees, we
will begin a flex schedule
in the fall.
Try this
Vacations. A new
vacation schedule will
be available on May 1.
Flextime. To assist
employees, we will begin
a flex schedule in the
fall.
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use paragraph headings to improve
organization and readability.

36. 36
Quick
Chec
k
The next training
session will
demonstrate
• Creating podcasts
• Sharing multiple
programs
• Maintaining an
Internet
directory.
In the next training
session, the trainer
will demonstrate how
to create podcasts,
how to share multiple
programs, and how to
maintain an Internet
directory.
Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted
vertical list.

37. 37
Quick
Check
You can prepare for
interviews by doing the
following:
• Study the job description.
• Itemize your most
strategic skills and
qualifications.
• Practice giving responses
in a mock interview.
In preparing for an employment
interview, you should begin by
studying the job description.
Itemizing your most strategic
skills and qualifications is also
important. Giving responses in
a mock interview is another
good practice technique. Last,
you should be prepared to ask
relevant questions.
Improve the readability of the following
instructions that will become part of a
student’s employment booklet.

38. 38
What to Watch for
in Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format

39. 39
Proofreading Marks

40. 40

41. 41
How to Proofread
Complex Documents
 Allow adequate time.
 Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
 Be prepared to find errors.
 Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
 Reduce your reading speed.

42. 42
For documents that must be perfect:
 Have someone read aloud the original while
someone else checks the printout.
 Spell names.
 Spell difficult words.
 Note capitalization.
 Note punctuation.
How to Proofread
Complex Documents