1) The document is satire providing purposely bad marketing advice. 2) It suggests outdated practices like cold-calling customers, spamming emails, and not tracking results. 3) The goal is to humorously convince the reader that their marketing may suck if relying on these outdated tactics.

1. OW
K
TO
C
H
SM
U
ARKETI
AT
NG .

2. are you
Yes.
partying
marketing
No.
like it’s 1999?

3. if
Yes.
you are
definitely…

5. and…

6. YOUR
MARKETING
SUCKS.

7. ?
not sure if you are wasting
time and money with
old-school marketing
practices?

8. here’s a helpful guide on…

9. OW
K
TO
C
H
SM
U
ARKETI
AT
NG .

10. call people
randomly and ask
them to buy your
stuff.

11. PRO TIP:
or
call during dinner time
when they least expect it.

12. if you don’t know how
to pronounce
someone’s name, just
make it up.

13. if you don’t know how
to pronounce
someone’s name, just
make it up.
(say it confidently like you do)

14. send unsolicited
emails to people
who have never
heard of your
company before.

15. (and ask them to buy your stuff)

16. PRO TIP:
if you feel like you need more random
people to spam, rent or buy additional
contact lists.

17. PRO TIP #2:
be persistent. email or call
with great frequency.

18. PRO TIP #2:
be persistent. email or call
with great frequency.
(asking to buy your stuff)

19. do not invest in
sophisticated
marketing
software.

20. do not invest in
sophisticated
marketing
software.
INSTEAD…

21. Personalize
your marketing emails
with great salutations
like these:

22. Dear Sir or Madam

23. To Whom it May Concern

24. Our Valued Customer

25. Hi Friend

26. Greetings Earthling

27. PRO TIP:
send your entire contact list the same
email marketing message.

28. PRO TIP:
send your entire contact list the same
email marketing message.
(obviously about buying your stuff)

29. PRO TIP:
send your entire contact list the same
email marketing message.
(obviously about buying your stuff)
BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.

30. PRO TIP #2:
don’t waste time worrying about you’re
grammar or speling.

31. spend time
on the
following…

32. stuffing as many
keywords into your
website as possible.

33. buying expensive
booths at trade shows.

34. sending more direct
mail to random
people.
(about buying your stuff, duh)

35. and if you still have
extra time…

36. go door to door to
try and get people
to buy your stuff.

37. PRO TIP:
say whatever it takes to convince people
to buy your product.

38. PRO TIP:
say whatever it takes to convince people
to buy your product.
(even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)

39. PRO TIP:
say whatever it takes to convince people
to buy your product.
(this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at your
company will need to figure it out)

40. think of yourself as a
marketing hero among
ordinary men. (or women)

41. you know better
than your
customers,
prospects, and
sales team:
DON’T LISTEN
TO THEM.

42. show how awesome you
are that you don’t need to
A/B test any of your emails,
landing pages, or calls-to-
action.

43. make sure everyone
knows how awesome
your company is, too.

44. make sure everyone
knows how awesome
your company is, too.
use social media as a
place to share how
great you are.

45. make sure everyone
knows how awesome
your company is, too.
use social media as a
place to share how
great you are.
always.

46. WARNING!
DO NOT DO
THE FOLLOWING:

47. DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)

48. DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2. align your sales & marketing

49. DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2. align your sales & marketing
3. segment your contact database

50. DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2. align your sales & marketing
3. segment your contact database
4. attempt thought leadership

51. DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2. align your sales & marketing
3. segment your contact database
4. attempt thought leadership
5. attend educational conferences or seminars

52. DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2. align your sales & marketing
3. segment your contact database
4. attempt thought leadership
5. attend educational conferences or seminars
6. embrace inbound marketing

53. IT’S STRONGLY
RECOMMENDED
TO DO THE
FOLLOWING:

54. DO
1. use lots of marketing jargon

55. DO
1. use lots of marketing jargon
2. purchase online pop-up advertisements

56. DO
1. use lots of marketing jargon
2. purchase online pop-up advertisements
3. raise the volume of your TV commercials

57. DO
1. use lots of marketing jargon
2. purchase online pop-up advertisements
3. raise the volume of your TV commercials
4. lots of outbound marketing

58. curious to know if Yes.
your marketing
SUCKS?
No.
(or how awesome it is?)

59. Yes.
No.

60. good.

61. get a detailed online
marketing report.
it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)

62. MARKETING
.GRADER
.COM

63. created & written by
RYAN
BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT
BROWN
HUBSPOT