SlideShare a Scribd company logo
OW
      K
       TO

    C
H
SM
  U
  ARKETI
         AT
        NG .
are you
     Yes.
   partying
marketing
          No.
like it’s 1999?
if
   Yes.

                 you are
              definitely…
How To Suck at Marketing
and…
YOUR
MARKETING

SUCKS.
?
    not sure if you are wasting
    time and money with
    old-school marketing
    practices?
here’s a helpful guide on…
OW
      K
       TO

    C
H
SM
  U
  ARKETI
         AT
        NG .
call people
randomly and ask
them to buy your
stuff.
PRO TIP:
 or
call during dinner time
when they least expect it.
if you don’t know how
to pronounce
someone’s name, just
make it up.
if you don’t know how
to pronounce
someone’s name, just
make it up.

(say it confidently like you do)
send unsolicited
emails to people
who have never
heard of your
company before.
(and ask them to buy your stuff)
PRO TIP:
if you feel like you need more random
people to spam, rent or buy additional
contact lists.
PRO TIP #2:
be persistent. email or call
with great frequency.
PRO TIP #2:
be persistent. email or call
with great frequency.

(asking to buy your stuff)
do not invest in
sophisticated
marketing
software.
do not invest in
sophisticated
marketing
software. 

INSTEAD…
Personalize
your marketing emails
 with great salutations
 like these:
Dear Sir or Madam
To Whom it May Concern
Our Valued Customer
Hi Friend
Greetings Earthling
PRO TIP:
send your entire contact list the same
email marketing message.
PRO TIP:
send your entire contact list the same
email marketing message.

(obviously about buying your stuff)
PRO TIP:
send your entire contact list the same
email marketing message.

(obviously about buying your stuff)


BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.
PRO TIP #2:
don’t waste time worrying about you’re
grammar or speling.
spend time
      on the
following…
stuffing as many
 keywords into your
website as possible.
buying expensive
booths at trade shows.
sending more direct
mail to random
people.

(about buying your stuff, duh)
and if you still have
extra time…
go door to door to
try and get people
to buy your stuff.
PRO TIP:
say whatever it takes to convince people
to buy your product.
PRO TIP:
say whatever it takes to convince people
to buy your product.

(even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)
PRO TIP:
say whatever it takes to convince people
to buy your product.

(this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at your
company will need to figure it out)
think of yourself as a
marketing hero among
ordinary men. (or women)
you know better
      than your
     customers,
 prospects, and
    sales team:
               
  DON’T LISTEN
      TO THEM.
show how awesome you
are that you don’t need to
A/B test any of your emails,
landing pages, or calls-to-
action.
make sure everyone
knows how awesome
your company is, too.
make sure everyone
knows how awesome
your company is, too.
use social media as a
place to share how
great you are.
make sure everyone
knows how awesome
your company is, too.
use social media as a
place to share how
great you are. 
always.
WARNING!
DO NOT DO
THE FOLLOWING:
DO NOT
1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
DO NOT
1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2.  align your sales & marketing
DO NOT
1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2.  align your sales & marketing
3.  segment your contact database
DO NOT
1.    track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2.    align your sales & marketing
3.    segment your contact database
4.    attempt thought leadership
DO NOT
1.    track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2.    align your sales & marketing
3.    segment your contact database
4.    attempt thought leadership
5.    attend educational conferences or seminars
DO NOT
1.    track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
2.    align your sales & marketing
3.    segment your contact database
4.    attempt thought leadership
5.    attend educational conferences or seminars
6.    embrace inbound marketing
IT’S STRONGLY
RECOMMENDED
TO DO THE
FOLLOWING:
DO
1.  use lots of marketing jargon
DO
1.  use lots of marketing jargon
2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements
DO
1.  use lots of marketing jargon
2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements
3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials
DO
1.    use lots of marketing jargon
2.    purchase online pop-up advertisements
3.    raise the volume of your TV commercials
4.    lots of outbound marketing
curious to know if            Yes.
  your marketing
          SUCKS?
                 
            No.
   (or how awesome it is?)
Yes.

No.
good.
get a detailed online
marketing report.

it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
MARKETING
  .GRADER
     .COM
created & written by


RYAN 
                  BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT


BROWN
                  HUBSPOT

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