Running Head REALITY FROM ILLUSION Reality from I.docx

Running Head: REALITY FROM ILLUSION
Reality from Illusion
Your Name Here
COM 200
Professor Stiemke
August 4, 2013
Reality from Illusion
Dear Bob and Meggan,
An engagement for any couple can be considered an exciting
and blissful milestone. It is also a time when a couple can truly
begin to incorporate communication within their own
relationship, as well as how they communicate with others.
People have different perspectives, values, and traditions that
will ultimately help define the new establishment between two
people. Typically, couples have already developed their own

self concept which has the ability to contribute to the
relationship in a positive or negative aspect. Couples develop an
illusion of their partner’s differences and do not take the time to
understand the reality of the situation. Understanding all
expressional elements is essential to ensure communication is
implemented effectively to further enhance the relationship.
Learning Outcome #1: Couples have the ability to communicate
effectively using the principles of communication, and neither
individual is exempt from common misconceptions.
Researchers Paul Watzalawick, Janet Beavin, and Don D.
Jackson created a model that focused on the principles of
interpersonal communication. According to the communication
model created by Watzalwick, Beavin, and Jackson (1967), it
demonstrates how communication is expressed through all
elements within a message and how it is applied to the people
involved in the relationship. The model is designed to show the
process where both parties in the relationship are a sender and
receiver. Both perspectives of communication are considered in
the model to help provide a better understanding on the
principles in various relationships. Misconceptions in effective
communication are also important to consider when
communicating. According to Deborah Cameron’s The Myth of
Mars and Venus: Do Men and Women Really Speak Different
Languages, “the idea that men and women differ fundamentally
in the way they use language to communicate is a myth in the
everyday sense: a widespread but false belief” (Poole, 2007).
The model describes how “communication is ongoing, whenever
we are in the presence of another person, communication is
taking place” (Sole, 2011, p. 2.3). Communicating is inevitable
and can be expressed verbally or nonverbally. The sender and
receiver are both important in the communicating cycle. A
person sends a message by a verbal or nonverbal expression and
the other person receives the message based on the how the
message is presented. The process of communication becomes a
cycle because both people will continue to communicate with
each other based on the initial approach.

If I were to communicate something to my husband with an
attitude, he is going to respond to me with an attitude. If I
communicate the same issue to my husband kindly, it is likely
he will have a healthier reaction in his response. We both have
the ability to effect how the other person communicates,
creating a cycle of communication. The model depicts how each
person will communicate for an ultimate resolution or outcome.
Men and women in a relationship are both capable to
communicate verbally and/or nonverbally. Effective or
ineffective communication is not subjected to only a man or a
woman. Cameron’s theory supports the diversity within
communication for all types of cultures.
Considering your relationship, you both have the ability to
make your own choices when presenting a message. One of the
main principles is the language and approach when
communicating. Each communicational decision will create an
ongoing effect in the message intended. In regards to
misconception, communication is not always easy and will
require constant strengthening. People do not always understand
what is being communicated and it can be easy to interpret the
message different than the sender intended. Many people
believe communication is always beneficial, but if it is not used
effectively, communicating may not always be the best decision
for a specific message at that time. For example, if one of you
does not feel you can communicate something to your partner
appropriately, it may be best to refrain from communicating at
that time. You could reassess the situation at a later time to help
prevent further issues, or choose a different way to
communicate the message. Men and women are able to
communicate effectively using the principles of communication,
and neither individual is exempt from common misconceptions.
Learning Outcome #2: Self-concept is developed throughout an
individual’s life, and couples have the ability to help maintain
or change the concepts a person may have on themselves.
An Overview of Self-Concept Theory for Counselors describes
how “the totality of a complex, organized, and dynamic system

of learned beliefs, attitudes and opinions that each person holds
to be true about his or her personal existence” (Purkey, 1988).
In addition to the self-concept developed through life
experiences, an individual can develop a different self-concept,
or continue to maintain the concept previously cultivated. The
Relationship between Marital Adjustment and Self-Concept for
Married Individuals and Couples explains the importance of a
significant other uplifting their mate and encouraging them to
have a positive self-concept (Sharpley & Khan, 1982).
Several different elements of self-concept are “physical,
academic, social, and transpersonal” (Purkey, 1998). A person
may develop a concept of themselves based on their own
personal vision. The way a person may look, dress, and other
features of who they are can affect how they perceive
themselves. A person develops their own opinion in regards to
their intelligence, people skills, and how they believe others
envision them. Life experiences and judgments of a person can
contribute to the self-concept of an individual. When two
people make the decision to spend their life together, they are
not always aware that their significant other’s self-concept may
need to be nurtured or maintained.
My husband learned I had several insecurities within myself. I
had experienced different things than my husband and
developed the need for acceptance. At times it was extremely
difficult for my husband to understand because he grew up
differently than I did. He believed I should have more self-
esteem and see myself how he saw me. For many years he was
frustrated with how I envisioned myself and did not realize I
needed him to nurture my insecurities as well as myself.
Eventually, my husband realized his support and constant
reassurance gave me more confidence and self assurance. By
him nurturing my self-concept, I was able to change my self-
image and maintain a more positive perception of myself.
My advice to you both is to truly consider the other’s self
perception and what you can do to help strengthen or maintain a
positive self-image of your partner. Although a person

establishes a self-concept based on life experiences and
perception, it can always be changed. Self-concept is developed
throughout an individual’s life, and interpersonal relationships
have the ability to help maintain or change the concepts a
person may have on themselves. If a person has a great self-
concept of themselves, it would still need to be preserved as
another relationship becomes part of their life. Self-concept can
be fragile or strong depending on the person and their personal
vision developed. If an individual commits to a relationship, the
other person in the relationship could potentially help,
strengthen, or weaken the concept their partner has on
themselves.
Learning Outcome #3: Words used to communicate have the
power to create and affect attitudes, behavior, and perception in
a relationship.
An article in the Toronto Star describes how language can “lose
its perceived neutrality, or at least some innocence and
unselfconsciousness in its usage, it loses a lot of its power to
communicate, to persuade; it is very difficult to discover
common held ideals, revolutionary or not, when ordinary words
are up for grabs” (Graham, 1993). Words used to communicate
have the power to create and affect attitudes, behavior, and
perception in a relationship.
The article from the Toronto Star focuses on how certain words
are chosen in communicating. Those words have the power to
determine how another person may interpret a message and
react in response to that message. Communication is vulnerable
and can be interpreted various ways. It can be difficult choosing
appropriate words and language when communicating
impulsively. It is easy to provide an opinion, thought, belief, or
other expressions without thinking about how to approach the
situation using specific dialogues. Words have power that can
provide energy to a message. The reaction a person
demonstrates is often based on the way the message was
communicated. If a person chooses to speak with kind words,
they will most likely receive kindness through words in return.

If a person is judgmental or forceful with words, the receiver
may become defensive and use the same type of words. The
words used in your relationship can have an effect similar to the
principles of communication and the cycle between the sender
and receiver.
A word is simply a thought that is addressed verbally. The way
one of you may think can have an impact on how you express
your emotions, attitude, and behavior. Many people are familiar
with the common saying, “think before you speak”. Learning to
apply that concept could help your relationship when you
express your thoughts through your words. If the two of you are
in an argument and the desire is to come to a healthy resolution,
choose positive words. Avoid using name calling, sarcasm, and
disrespectful terminologies. Based on the article by Graham,
words have the power to determine how a person will react to a
message depicted based on how it is presented. A simple word
can either be destructive or beneficial in your relationship. It
can also have an effect on how both of you further respect and
perceive each other.
Learning Outcome #4: Perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal
expression are critical to understand because they all affect the
quality of a relationship.
Emotions and nonverbal expressions are important to balance
when trying to effectively provide insight and understanding
when communicating. Referencing a study from the Family
Expressiveness Questionnaire, couples who grew up in less
family orientated environments expressed themselves
differently than individuals that did not grow up in family
environment. Couples were challenged to understand the reason
their significant may demonstrate nonverbal behavior lack of
emotions and different perceptions was because they grew up in
a different environment. The study concluded that the way
people show expressions in communicating is determined by the
“emotional expressiveness of the family environment”
(Halberstadt, 1986).
Halberstadt’s study suggests couples show emotions, nonverbal

expressions, and their perceptions based on the environment
they were part of during their upbringing. Her study focuses on
a family environment, but not all people come from a family
oriented home. The type of behavior a person has been
subjected to may affect how they show their emotions and
expressions to another individual. The differences in
perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal expression can affect how
messages are interpreted in a relationship. There are times the
two of you may express feelings and emotions differently,
which can be difficult when trying to sympathize or change.
Perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal expression are critical to
understand because they all affect the quality of a relationship.
It is important to understand you may have opposing ways to
communicate. People need different reactions, responses, and
feedback when communicating. If one of you deals with anger
or a short fuse, it may be beneficial to approach a situation
cautiously. The person dealing with the anger would also need
to be cautious in how they expressed their anger. A person
could choose to throw something or punch a wall to show
nonverbal expressions of anger as an emotion, but it does not
make the expression justified. Both of you need to consider the
needs of the other individual when communicating and learn to
better understand how to approach certain situations based on
your strengths and weaknesses.
Learning Outcome #5: Finally, it is important to understand the
impact gender and culture can have in a relationship.
Maria Yip Ling Cheung, DSW conducted a research and study
amongst various cultures and genders. People have different
“marital expectations, marital satisfaction, gender role
expectations, acceptance, and views on commitment” (Cheung,
1999). Cheung recommends couples to be compatible in order to
achieve a successful marriage. The compatibility could help
ensure fairness. Considering changes in lifestyle or ideas can
also accommodate both partners. If you share values and are
willing to compromise, you are more likely to have a prosperous
marriage.

Different cultures and genders have different expectations.
Some cultures do not allow eye contact which could be
considered nonverbal communication. Body gestures and how
people interact can also be different. One of the most notable
differences in gender characteristics were the views on
intimacy. The characteristic of intimacy is important for marital
satisfaction predominately for men. Couples who both shared
interests in sexual intimacy, proved to be more successful in
marriage. In situations where there is cultural or gender
differences, it is important to try to understand how the
differences are interpreted. Many times people try to create an
illusion from reality because they do not want to believe the
apparent differences of their significant other. It is important to
realize, culture and gender contributes to a person and their
self-perception.
Gender and culture provide diversity and unique differences in
relationships, but it is important to understand certain values of
the opposing culture or gender. Some beliefs and values require
understanding and respect which is important to understand
about the person chosen for marriage or a serious commitment.
The needs and desires may be different for a man or women as
well as another culture. In order to effectively communicate
with your partner, it is most beneficial to have an open mind
and consider the others’ values or views. If understanding,
compromise, or changes cannot be considered initially, the
relationship could be unfair or misleading.
Two people in a relationship will never be the same. Culture,
gender, and differences in values can hinder a relationship or
provide additional perspectives that can be applied to a life
lived together. There are many principles and misinterpretations
to communication. The way you both may communicate is first
based on what you have already learned prior to your
relationship. The self-concept a person has on themselves will
also have a positive or challenging impact on the relationship.
People need reassurance and acceptance differently. Many
times, culture and gender have the biggest effect on how a

couple interact and how they intertwine their differences
together. Attitude, behavior, and emotions have an impact on
how situations or the other person is perceived.When choosing
to spend eternity with a person, it is essential to understand all
expressional elements to ensure communication is effectively
implemented appropriately to further enhance the relationship. I
wish you both the best of luck as you continue to grow and
learn together in your journey. Remember, it is easy to create an
illusion of the person you intend to spend the rest of your life
with. In every illusion there is a reality. Focus on nurturing and
strengthening the reality.
Sincerely,
(Your Name Here)
References
Cheung, M. (1999). Impact of gender and culture: Contributing
factors to satisfactory long-term marriages. Retrieved from
scholars.wlu.ca/etd/220/
Halberstadt, A. G. (1986). Family socialization of emotional
expression and nonverbal
communication styles and skills. Journal Of Personality And

Social Psychology, 51(4),
827-836. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.51.4.827
Hugh Graham. (1993, Apr 17). Communicating with a
vengeance simple words no longer just have meanings, they
have messages. Toronto Star. Retrieved from
http://search.proquest.com/docview/436829228?accountid=3252
1
Poole, S. (2007, Oct 20). Review: Cultural studies: Gender
agenda: The differences between men and women have little to
do with speech, steven poole finds: The myth of mars and
venus: Do men and women really speak different languages? by
deborah cameron 196pp, oxford, pounds 10.99. The Guardian.
Retrieved from
http://search.proquest.com/docview/246760005?accountid=3252
1
Purkey, W. (1988). An Overview of Self-Concept Theory for
Counselors. ERIC Clearinghouse on Counseling and Personnel
Services, Ann Arbor, Mich. (An ERIC/CAPS Digest:
ED304630)
Sharpley, C. F., & Khan, J. A. (1982). The relationship between
marital adjustment and self
concept for married individuals and couples. Individual
Psychology: Journal Of Adlerian
Theory, Research & Practice, 38(1), 62-71.
Sole, K. (2011). Making Connections: Understanding
Interpersonal Communication. San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint
Education, Inc.
Week 5 Guidance
Hello students! Welcome to your final week of COM 200. This
week you will be completing your Letter of Advice. Remember
to use the outline from week 3 to keep your letter on task.
Overview of Readings and Assignment
For this assignment, you will be writing a letter of advice to a

newly engaged couple. The purpose is to apply the knowledge
you have gained in the class to give this couple advice on how
to communicate with each other for a long and healthy
relationship. You will use the outline you created in Week 3 to
guide your writing. This paper must include a title page,
introductory paragraph, thesis statement, conclusion that
restates the thesis, a minimum of five scholarly sources
(including two from the ProQuest database in the Ashford
Online Library), and a reference page. The letter must be eight
to ten pages in length (not including the title and reference
pages) and be formatted according to APA guidelines.
You must choose five techniques of communication presented
during this class to guide the couple. To distinguish between the
different techniques, please use section headings that label the
technique you are using for your advice. Since this is a letter,
you can write it using a first person approach. Although you are
writing a personal letter of advice, the assignment requires you
to support your writing with information from five scholarly
sources. Please be sure to cite your sources not only on the
reference page, but also within the text.
Page range for this assignment is 8 minimum, 10 maximum
(excluding title and reference page)
The main point of this letter is to demonstrate your mastery of
the communication techniques/styles that you learned about in
this course. The instructor wants to see you use critical thinking
to draw conclusions on how this couple can work together and
use their communication skills learned in this letter to help their
marriage thrive.
Assignment Ideas
A great way to approach this assignment is to brainstorm the
relationships in your life. Look at how they function and
compare them to the different forms of communication
styles/techniques that you learned about in this class. What
conclusions can you come up with when brainstorming? How do
the relationships around you work and what areas have room for
improvement in regards to communication?

Another great way to get ideas would be to interview people
that you know that have had long relationships. Ask these
people for advice on how they communicate with their partner.
Or, watch movies and TV shows that feature relationships as
part of their theme. There are many great movies that show
effective and ineffective communication techniques. Take notes
on what you see and compare them to the different
techniques/styles you learned about in this course.
Formatting
APA guidelines require that use Times New Roman 12 point
font throughout your entire document. Additionally, your paper
should be double-spaced. Similar to the previous assignment in
this class, your paper must include a title page and reference
page. I encourage you to visit the Ashford Writing Center to
ensure that your title page, reference page, and headings are all
formatted correctly.
Resources & Quick Tips
When many students approach this assignment they often are
confused by the idea of writing a letter that is academic in
nature. The key of this format is to follow the APA style of
writing essays, but from a first person angle. Take a look at
relationships you have observed and apply the concepts from
this class to them. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, please do
not hesitate to email me for some guidance or redirection.
Turnitin is also a terrific resource that you can use before
submitting academic writing. Turnitin can be accessed through
the Learning Resources area of our classroom and used to check
for originality and proper use of citations within papers. This
tool can be used by students to help avoid academic dishonesty.
Lastly, you can turn to the Writing Reviser tool to help provide
you with automated feedback on organization, style, and
grammar in writing your paper. This resource can be found
through the eCollege classroom as well. Of course, you can
always also refer to the Ashford Library for additional
materials.
I look forward to reading your letters. I know they will be great!

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to email me
anytime
Format of the Essay
Here is what the format of the essay should basically look like.
Introductory remarks with thesis and plan of development
Heading #1 (which will be a shortened version of the first
learning outcome)
Topic sentence
Source support
Source explanation
So What? (what advice would you give the couple based off this
evidence. The advice can either be direct advice or you could
give the advice in a personal example, or a combination of
both).
learning outcome)
Topic sentence
Source support
Source explanation
both).
learning outcome)
Topic sentence
Source support
Source explanation
both).
learning outcome)
Topic sentence

Source support
Source explanation
both).
learning outcome)
Topic sentence
Source support
Source explanation
both).
Conclusion: brief summary of what you discussed, restatement
of the thesis, final thought, letter closing.
COM 200: Interpersonal Communication Weekly Guidance
Week 5
Week Overview:
Welcome to the last week! Thanks to everyone who participated
and completed the work in Week 4. This week we are going to
discuss communication in different environments-the workplace
and online.
In preparation for this week’s Discussion Board and
Assignments, read Chapter 10 of your textbook, Making
Connections: Understanding Interpersonal Communication. In
addition, I would also like to direct you to the Course Materials
tab on the left- hand side. This contains additional resources
that will be of great use to you when completing assignment.
Take a few moments to look over those materials as you begin
this chapter.
Discussion Posts Expectations:

To participate in the following discussions, go to this week’s
“Discussion” link in the left navigation.
Communication Competence: We have finally come full circle
in our journey through communication. You have learned a lot
of skills in the last few weeks as you studied about your self
and your communication with other people. As you writing this
discussion question, think about where you started in this
journey and where you are now in terms of your
communication. Lastly, think about where you want to go from
here. What other communication skills would you like to work
on?
Intellectual Elaboration:
Relationship Disengagement:
In Week 3, we talked about how relationship begin and how to
maintain those relationships. This week we are going to talk
about the stages of coming apart. The basis of this elaboration
is Knapp's model of relational development. The first stage of
coming apart is differentiating. This is when you begin to see
and hear the couple becoming distant and disengaging. You can
particularly hear this in the language that they use towards each
other. The use of "we" and "us" that you heard in the
intensifying stages are replaced with "I" and "me." Language
towards the two parties may go from informal to more formal
terms of address. The second stage of coming apart is
circumscribing. This is when you see couples starting to limit
their topics of discussion. Topics of discussions are become
limited and the quantity and quality of conversations decreases.
The couple carefully control the areas of discussion and
restricts communication to safe topics. Eventually
circumscribing (or limiting topics) leads to stagnation which
means that the relationship is not moving forward. Actually the
relationship is not moving at all. Once that happens, avoidance
soon follows. The avoidance that happens can be either physical
or psychological (working later at the office or the silent
treatment). Ultimately, if the relationship continues on this

path, the relationship will terminate. Relationships can
terminate right after a greeting or after 20 years of intimacy.
With that said, here are some principles on how relationships
move within these stages:
1.Movement is generally systematic and sequential.
2.Movement may be forward
3.Movement may be backward
4.Movement is always to a new place
Communication Competence:
Like I said, we have come full circle in our journey about
communication. One thing that I want to mention about
communication competence is that communication competency
includes speaking ethically. The National Communication
Association has come up with 9 ethical communication
guidelines. You can find those guidelines at this link: NCA
Credo of Ethical Communication (NCA Credo of Ethical
Communication, 1999)
What are your thought on these principles?
What makes a person a competent communicator?
Additional Resources (Web Links, Videos, & Articles):
Communication Competency Scale: Communication
Competency Scale
The nice thing about this scale is that you can compare your
competency at the beginning of the five weeks to your
competency at the end of the five weeks. Hopefully the score of
the latter is higher than the former.
References:

NCA Credo of Ethical Communication. (1999, November).
Retrieved December 5, 2014, from National Communication
Credo of Ethical Communication:
http://www.natcom.org/uploadedFiles/About_NCA/Leadership_
and_Governance/Public_Policy_Platform/PDF-PolicyPlatform-

NCA_Credo_for_Ethical_Communication.pdf

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