ASSERTIVENESS

ASSERTIVENESSASSERTIVENESS
Assertiveness is the ability to expressAssertiveness is the ability to express
yourself and your rights withoutyourself and your rights without
violating the rights of others. It isviolating the rights of others. It is
appropriately direct, open, and honestappropriately direct, open, and honest
communication which is self enhancingcommunication which is self enhancing
and expressive. Acting assertivelyand expressive. Acting assertively
enhances self confidence.enhances self confidence.
Book Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). EssentialsBook Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). Essentials
of Counseling. Abosar Prokashana Sangstha,of Counseling. Abosar Prokashana Sangstha,
Banglabazar, Dhaka-1100 ISBN: 978-984-8798-Banglabazar, Dhaka-1100 ISBN: 978-984-8798-
11

Helpful Hints forHelpful Hints for
Assertive BehaviorAssertive Behavior
Communication Skills ElaboratedCommunication Skills Elaborated
Opinion StatementsOpinion Statements
 Begin with a personal pronoun: IBegin with a personal pronoun: I
think..., My opinion is...think..., My opinion is...
 Use compound sentences withUse compound sentences with
connecting phrases such as:connecting phrases such as:
because, therefore, and but...because, therefore, and but...
 You do not need to have an originalYou do not need to have an original
argument in order to express yourargument in order to express your
opinion.opinion.
 You may agree or disagree withYou may agree or disagree with
what others say.what others say.Book Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). EssentialsBook Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). Essentials
22

Breaking into an OngoingBreaking into an Ongoing
ConversationConversation
 Listen activelyListen actively
 Wait for a natural pause in theWait for a natural pause in the
conversationconversation
 State an opinion or ask aState an opinion or ask a
question.question.
33

Saying “No” to Unfair Requests and DemandsSaying “No” to Unfair Requests and Demands
 Be sure where you stand first.Be sure where you stand first.
 Ask for clarification.Ask for clarification.
 Be as brief as possible-- avoid long elaborateBe as brief as possible-- avoid long elaborate
explanations and justifications.explanations and justifications.
 Actually use the word "NO" when declining asActually use the word "NO" when declining as
opposed to "I just don't think so..."opposed to "I just don't think so..."
 Make sure your nonverbal gestures mirror yourMake sure your nonverbal gestures mirror your
verbal messages.verbal messages.
 Use the words: "I won't" or "I've decided not to",Use the words: "I won't" or "I've decided not to",
rather than "I can't" or "I shouldn't". Thisrather than "I can't" or "I shouldn't". This
emphasizes a choice has been made.emphasizes a choice has been made.
 You may have to decline several times before theYou may have to decline several times before the
person "hears" you.person "hears" you.
 You may want to acknowledge any feelings anotherYou may want to acknowledge any feelings another
has about your refusal; however, you should avoidhas about your refusal; however, you should avoid
saying "I'm sorry".saying "I'm sorry".
 Avoid feeling guilty.Avoid feeling guilty.
 Compromise is always welcome.Compromise is always welcome.
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Asserting Your Interpersonal RightsAsserting Your Interpersonal Rights
Each one of us has the rightEach one of us has the right
to…..to…..
 Say no to a requestSay no to a request
 Not give other peopleNot give other people
reasons for every actionreasons for every action
we takewe take
 Stop others from makingStop others from making
excessive demand on usexcessive demand on us
 Ask other people toAsk other people to
listen to our point oflisten to our point of
view when we speak toview when we speak to
themthem
correct errors they madecorrect errors they made
which affect uswhich affect us
 Change our mindsChange our minds
compromise rather thancompromise rather than
get only what they wantget only what they want
 Ask other people to doAsk other people to do
things for usthings for us
 Persist in making aPersist in making a
request if people won'trequest if people won't
respond the first timerespond the first time
 Be alone if we wishBe alone if we wish
 Maintain our dignity inMaintain our dignity in
relationshipsrelationships
 Evaluate our ownEvaluate our own
behaviors and not justbehaviors and not just
listen to evaluations thatlisten to evaluations that
others offerothers offer
 Make mistakes and acceptMake mistakes and accept
responsibility for themresponsibility for them
 Avoid manipulation byAvoid manipulation by
other peopleother people
 Pick our own friendsPick our own friends
without consulting ourwithout consulting our
parents, peers, or partnersparents, peers, or partners
 Let other people knowLet other people know
how we are feelinghow we are feelingBook Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). EssentialsBook Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). Essentials
55

Saying “No” without Feeling GuiltySaying “No” without Feeling Guilty
4 ways to say “No” in an assertive fashion -4 ways to say “No” in an assertive fashion -
 Simply say “NO” or “I don't want to do it.”Simply say “NO” or “I don't want to do it.”
 Repeat your statement until the otherRepeat your statement until the other
party accepts it.party accepts it.
 If someone asks for a reason, give oneIf someone asks for a reason, give one
only if you feel you have information thatonly if you feel you have information that
the other party obviously needs or couldthe other party obviously needs or could
benefit form.benefit form.
 Do not give a reason if you think theDo not give a reason if you think the
information is unlikely to help the otherinformation is unlikely to help the other
party or will simply allow them to presentparty or will simply allow them to present
a number of counter-arguments.a number of counter-arguments.
66

Ten Points about AssertiveTen Points about Assertive
BehavioursBehaviours
11-It depends on expressing yourself-It depends on expressing yourself
22-Showing respects to others rights-Showing respects to others rights
33-Being honest-Being honest
44-Indirect and certain-Indirect and certain
55-Mutual equilibrim and benefit is-Mutual equilibrim and benefit is
important in a relationshipimportant in a relationship
66-It is expressing emotions, rights,-It is expressing emotions, rights,
realities, thoughts and boundaries byrealities, thoughts and boundaries by
wordswords
77-Using non-verbal comminication for-Using non-verbal comminication for
sending the messagesending the message
88-It is not universal, it depends on the-It is not universal, it depends on the
position and the individualposition and the individual
99-It is getting social responsibility-It is getting social responsibility
1010-It is not the nature of the hunamkind, it-It is not the nature of the hunamkind, it
can be learnedcan be learned
77

Recognizing Response StylesRecognizing Response Styles
EmotionEmotion
 Non-assertive Emotional Keys:Non-assertive Emotional Keys: The personThe person
tends to internalize feelings and tensions. Tendstends to internalize feelings and tensions. Tends
to experience such emotions as fear, anxiety,to experience such emotions as fear, anxiety,
guilt, depression, fatigue, or nervousness.guilt, depression, fatigue, or nervousness.
Feelings are not verbally expressed.Feelings are not verbally expressed.
 Assertive Emotional Keys:Assertive Emotional Keys: The personThe person
responding assertively is aware of and dealsresponding assertively is aware of and deals
with feelings as they occur. Neither denying thewith feelings as they occur. Neither denying the
right to the emotion nor using it to deny anotherright to the emotion nor using it to deny another
person's rights. Tension is kept within a normalperson's rights. Tension is kept within a normal
constructive range.constructive range.
 Aggressive Emotional Keys:Aggressive Emotional Keys: Tension is turnedTension is turned
outward and anger is the responding emotion.outward and anger is the responding emotion.
Feelings are typically expressed loudly orFeelings are typically expressed loudly or
explosively.explosively.Book Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). EssentialsBook Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). Essentials
88

Nonverbal BehaviorNonverbal Behavior
Non-AssertiveNon-Assertive
NonverbalNonverbal
KeysKeys
 Down castDown cast
eyeseyes
 Shifting ofShifting of
weightweight
 A slumpedA slumped
bodybody
 The wringingThe wringing
of handsof hands
 A whining,A whining,
hesitant orhesitant or
giggly tone ofgiggly tone of
voice.voice.
AssertiveAssertive
NonverbalNonverbal
KeysKeys
■■Good eyeGood eye
contactcontact
■■ StandsStands
comfortablycomfortably
but firmly onbut firmly on
two feet withtwo feet with
his/her handshis/her hands
loosely atloosely at
their sidestheir sides
■■ Talks in aTalks in a
strong,strong,
steady tone ofsteady tone of
voicevoice
AggressiveAggressive
NonverbalNonverbal
KeysKeys
■■Glaring eyesGlaring eyes
■■ LeaningLeaning
forward orforward or
pointing apointing a
fingerfinger
■■ A raised,A raised,
snickering, orsnickering, or
haughty tonehaughty tone
of voice.of voice.
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Verbal LanguageVerbal Language
Non-AssertiveNon-Assertive
WordsWords
 MaybeMaybe
 I guessI guess
 I wonder ifI wonder if
you couldyou could
 Would youWould you
mind verymind very
muchmuch
 I can'tI can't
 Don't youDon't you
thinkthink
 It's not reallyIt's not really
importantimportant
 Don't botherDon't bother
AssertiveAssertive
WordsWords
■■ I thinkI think
■■ I feelI feel
■■ I wantI want
■■ Let'sLet's
■■ How canHow can
we resolvewe resolve
thisthis
■■ What doWhat do
you thinkyou think
■■ What doWhat do
you seeyou see
AggressiveAggressive
WordsWords
■■ You'd betterYou'd better
■■ If you don'tIf you don't
watch outwatch out
■■ Come onCome on
you must beyou must be
kiddingkidding
■■ ShouldShould
1010

Assertive peopleAssertive people
Assertive people tend to have the followingAssertive people tend to have the following
characteristics-characteristics-
 They feel free to express their feelings,They feel free to express their feelings,
thoughts, and desires.thoughts, and desires.
 They are “also able to initiate and maintainThey are “also able to initiate and maintain
comfortable relationships with [other] people”.comfortable relationships with [other] people”.
 They know their rights.They know their rights.
 They have control over their anger. This doesThey have control over their anger. This does
not mean that they repress this feeling; itnot mean that they repress this feeling; it
means that they control anger and talk about itmeans that they control anger and talk about it
in a reasoning manner.in a reasoning manner.
 ““Assertive people ... are willing to compromiseAssertive people ... are willing to compromise
with others, rather than always wanting theirwith others, rather than always wanting their
own way ... and tend to have good self-esteem”.own way ... and tend to have good self-esteem”.
 ““Assertive people enter friendships from an 'IAssertive people enter friendships from an 'I
count my needs. I count your needs' position”.count my needs. I count your needs' position”.Book Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). EssentialsBook Reference: Kabir, SMS (2017). Essentials
1111

HOW CAN I BE MORE ASSERTIVE?HOW CAN I BE MORE ASSERTIVE?
Developing Your AssertivenessDeveloping Your Assertiveness
Some people are naturally more assertive thanSome people are naturally more assertive than
others. If your disposition tends more towardsothers. If your disposition tends more towards
being either passive or aggressive, you need tobeing either passive or aggressive, you need to
work on the following skills to develop yourwork on the following skills to develop your
assertiveness.assertiveness.
Value yourself and your rightsValue yourself and your rights
 Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings,Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings,
needs and desires are just as important asneeds and desires are just as important as
everyone else's.everyone else's.
 But remember they are not more important thanBut remember they are not more important than
anyone else's, either.anyone else's, either.
 Recognize your rights and protect them.Recognize your rights and protect them.
 Believe you deserve to be treated with respectBelieve you deserve to be treated with respect
and dignity at all times.and dignity at all times.
 Stop apologizing for everything.Stop apologizing for everything.
1212

Developing Your AssertivenessDeveloping Your Assertiveness
Identify your needs and wants, andIdentify your needs and wants, and
ask for them to be satisfiedask for them to be satisfied
 Don't wait for someone toDon't wait for someone to
recognize what you need (yourecognize what you need (you
might wait forever!)might wait forever!)
 Understand that to perform toUnderstand that to perform to
your full potential, your needsyour full potential, your needs
must be met.must be met.
 Find ways to get your needsFind ways to get your needs
met without sacrificing others'met without sacrificing others'
needs in the process.needs in the process.
1313

Acknowledge that people are responsible for theirAcknowledge that people are responsible for their
own behaviorown behavior
 Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibilityDon't make the mistake of accepting responsibility
for the how people react to your assertivefor the how people react to your assertive
statements (e.g. anger, resentment). You can onlystatements (e.g. anger, resentment). You can only
control yourself.control yourself.
 As long as you are not violating someone else'sAs long as you are not violating someone else's
needs, then you have the right to say or do whatneeds, then you have the right to say or do what
you want.you want.
Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthyExpress negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy
and positive mannerand positive manner
 Allow you to be angry, but always be respectful.Allow you to be angry, but always be respectful.
 Do say what's on your mind, but do it in a way thatDo say what's on your mind, but do it in a way that
protects the other person's feelings.protects the other person's feelings.
 Control your emotions.Control your emotions.
 Stand up for yourself and confront people whoStand up for yourself and confront people who
challenge you and/or your rights.challenge you and/or your rights.
Developing Your Assertiveness
1414

Receive criticism and compliments positivelyReceive criticism and compliments positively
 Accept compliments graciously.Accept compliments graciously.
 Allow you to make mistakes and ask forAllow you to make mistakes and ask for
help.help.
 Accept feedback positively – be prepared toAccept feedback positively – be prepared to
say you don't agree but do not getsay you don't agree but do not get
defensive or angry.defensive or angry.
Learn to say “No” when you need to. This isLearn to say “No” when you need to. This is
the granddaddy of assertiveness!the granddaddy of assertiveness!
 Know your limits and what will cause you toKnow your limits and what will cause you to
feel taken advantage of.feel taken advantage of.
 Know that you can't do everything or pleaseKnow that you can't do everything or please
everyone and learn to be OK with that.everyone and learn to be OK with that.
 Go with what is right for you.Go with what is right for you.
 Suggest an alternative for a win-winSuggest an alternative for a win-win
solution.solution.
Developing Your Assertiveness
1515

Assertive CommunicationAssertive Communication
TechniquesTechniques
By understanding how to be assertive, youBy understanding how to be assertive, you
can quickly adapt these techniques to anycan quickly adapt these techniques to any
situation you are facing.situation you are facing.
I statementsI statements
Use “I want”, “I need”, or “I feel” toUse “I want”, “I need”, or “I feel” to
convey basic assertions.convey basic assertions.
I feel strongly that we need to bring inI feel strongly that we need to bring in
a third party to mediate thisa third party to mediate this
disagreement.disagreement.
1616

Empathic AssertionEmpathic Assertion
First, recognize how the other person views theFirst, recognize how the other person views the
situation-situation-
I understand you are having trouble working withI understand you are having trouble working with
Aquib.Aquib.
Then, express what you need-Then, express what you need-
.....however, this project needs to be completed by.however, this project needs to be completed by
Friday. Let's all sit down and come up with a planFriday. Let's all sit down and come up with a plan
to get it done.to get it done.
Escalating AssertionEscalating Assertion
This type of assertiveness is necessary when yourThis type of assertiveness is necessary when your
first attempts are not successful in getting yourfirst attempts are not successful in getting your
needs met.needs met.
The technique involves getting more and more firmThe technique involves getting more and more firm
as time goes on. It may end in you telling theas time goes on. It may end in you telling the
person what you will do next if you do not receiveperson what you will do next if you do not receive
satisfaction. Remember though, regardless of thesatisfaction. Remember though, regardless of the
consequences you give, you may not get whatconsequences you give, you may not get what
you want in the end.
Assertive Communication
Techniques
1717

Ask For More TimeAsk For More Time
Sometimes, you just need to put off sayingSometimes, you just need to put off saying
anything. You might be too emotional or youanything. You might be too emotional or you
might really not know what you want. Be honestmight really not know what you want. Be honest
and tell the person you need a few minutes toand tell the person you need a few minutes to
compose your thoughts.compose your thoughts.
Jack, your request has caught me off guard. I'll getJack, your request has caught me off guard. I'll get
back to you within the half hour.back to you within the half hour.
Change Your VerbsChange Your Verbs
 Use ‘won't’ instead of ‘can't’Use ‘won't’ instead of ‘can't’
 Use ‘want’ instead of ‘need’Use ‘want’ instead of ‘need’
 Use ‘choose to’ instead of ‘have to’Use ‘choose to’ instead of ‘have to’
 Use ‘could’ instead of ‘should’.Use ‘could’ instead of ‘should’.
Broken RecordBroken Record
 Prepare ahead of time the message you want toPrepare ahead of time the message you want to
convey-convey-
 I cannot take on any more projects right now.I cannot take on any more projects right now.
Assertive Communication
Techniques
1818

ScriptingScripting
This technique involves preparing yourThis technique involves preparing your
responses using a four-pronged approachresponses using a four-pronged approach
that describes-that describes-
 The eventThe event: tell the other person exactly how: tell the other person exactly how
you see the situation or problem.you see the situation or problem.
 Your feelingsYour feelings: describe how you feel about: describe how you feel about
express your emotions clearly.express your emotions clearly.
 Your needsYour needs: tell the other person what you: tell the other person what you
need so they don't have to guess.need so they don't have to guess.
 The consequencesThe consequences: describe the positive: describe the positive
outcome if your needs are fulfilled.outcome if your needs are fulfilled.
Once you are clear about what you want toOnce you are clear about what you want to
say and express, it is much easier tosay and express, it is much easier to
actually do it.actually do it.
Assertive Communication Techniques
1919

Seven keys to developing greater confidence in yourSeven keys to developing greater confidence in your
ability to be assertive include -ability to be assertive include -
 Key # 1Key # 1. Understand assertive,. Understand assertive,
aggressive, and accommodating behavioraggressive, and accommodating behavior
 Key # 2Key # 2. Know your rights – so you. Know your rights – so you
recognize when to stand up for themrecognize when to stand up for them
 Key # 3Key # 3. Nurture self-esteem and feel that. Nurture self-esteem and feel that
you deserve to be treated with respectyou deserve to be treated with respect
 Key # 4Key # 4. How to challenge pessimistic. How to challenge pessimistic
thinking and refute the fears that hold youthinking and refute the fears that hold you
backback
 Key # 5Key # 5. Resolve to no longer put up with. Resolve to no longer put up with
“stuff” that you tolerated in the past“stuff” that you tolerated in the past
 Key # 6Key # 6. How to assertively deal. How to assertively deal
with conflictwith conflict
 Key # 7Key # 7. Learn how to say no assertively.. Learn how to say no assertively.
Key PointsKey Points
2020

The skills of helping the person toThe skills of helping the person to
commit to changing his/her behaviourcommit to changing his/her behaviour
from non-assertive to assertivefrom non-assertive to assertive
YYou need to help the person set clearou need to help the person set clear
objectives;a mnemonic which can beobjectives;a mnemonic which can be
useful isuseful is SMARTSMART..
This stands for:This stands for:
SSpecificpecific
MMeasurableeasurable
AAchievablechievable
RRealisticealistic
TTime orientedime oriented
2121

TO DECTO DECIIDE WHEN TO BEDE WHEN TO BE
ASSERTİVEASSERTİVE
 Do you know really what is the situation?Do you know really what is the situation?
 How much importance it has for you?How much importance it has for you?
 Will you get what you want?Will you get what you want?
 Do you want to just express yourself?Do you want to just express yourself?
 What is your options?What is your options?
 Do you want an optimistic result?Do you want an optimistic result?
 Are you ready to be assertive?Are you ready to be assertive?
 Did you count to the 10?Did you count to the 10?
 Is it beter to wait?Is it beter to wait?
 Will you get anger to yourself, you don’tWill you get anger to yourself, you don’t
do anything?do anything?
 Have you done your best?Have you done your best?
 What are the possible results and risks?What are the possible results and risks?
 Will assertiveness cause a change?Will assertiveness cause a change?
2222

THANKS FORTHANKS FOR
YOURYOUR
ATTENTIONATTENTION
2323

QuestionsQuestions
andand
AnswersAnswers
2424

ASSERTIVENESS

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