Many of us shy away from developing our assertiveness as if it's somehow a negative. But in today's world, assertiveness is a very necessary skill. Learn how to enjoy the process of standing-up for what you deserve.

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Assertiveness: How to Stand-up
for What You Deserve 11 August 2016
Many of us shy away from developing our assertiveness as if it's somehow a negative. But in today's world,
assertiveness is a very necessary skill. Learn how to enjoy the process of standing-up for what you deserve.
Assertiveness is one of those behaviours that many of us
tend to shy away from talking about or developing. As if
it’s somehow a negative, an undesirable and simply not
us.
But those types of beliefs (and they are just beliefs) are
inaccurate. And they’re limiting. Because in today’s world
of less hierarchy, greater equality and meritocracy (we
hope), and more competition for resources, assertiveness is
a necessary skill.
It’s also a hugely rewarding behaviour: and not just in
terms of achieving the things we’re standing-up for.
Assertiveness is empowering, encourages psychological
health and improves relationships. It is an authentic
expression of our personal excellence.
Negative connotations on assertive behaviour come down
to definition. So let’s start there.
Defining assertive
behaviour
Being assertive is simply being confident and direct in
dealing with others.
It’s about stating our views, expressing our feelings,
enjoying our rights and asking for what we want. And it’s
about doing all of that with integrity, honesty, directness
and respect for others.
Assertive behaviour is focused on achieving that balance
of upholding one’s own integrity and dignity whilst
encouraging and recognising the same in others.
Finding the balance
In response to the tensions of any stressed social interaction,
we have 2 primal reactions:
1. Flight/Freeze: Our behaviour is non-assertive and
we acquiesce, prioritising the needs of others
ahead of our own.
2. Fight: Our behaviour is aggressive and we put
our personal needs first.
There is a third modern-day option: to be assertive.

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Assertive behaviour finds the balance and acts
accordingly. We make a conscious choice to prioritise the
needs of others or give greater consideration to our own
needs.
Assertive behaviour, then, is simply our considered
response to difficult situations.
The challenge of
being assertive
Aside from misunderstanding what assertive behaviour is,
there are a number of other reasons (principally fear) why
assertive behaviour is a challenge for many:
 Fear of conflict
 Fear of upsetting others
 Fear of rejection
 Feeling overly-responsible for the other person
And we support these beliefs with self-defeating mind
games (generalising, mind reading, filtering, doomsdaying
and so on) and unhelpful inner voices (the way we talk
to ourselves strongly influences how we feel and how we
behave).
But with a few simple techniques, we can learn to revel in
the act of assertiveness and enjoy the process of standing-
up for ourselves and what we believe in.
Assertive behaviours
in practice …
It starts with positive body
language
Assertiveness doesn’t work without authenticity. And we
can’t claim authenticity when our body language doesn’t
match our spoken words.
Focus on a maintaining a relaxed and open posture;
responsive expressions; high eye contact; and direct,
friendly and well-moderated speech.
Learn to handle – and
make use of – criticism
Criticism is simply feedback. And that’s useful because one
meaning of our behaviour is the response it elicits in
another person. But maintaining that positive frame can
be easier said than done.
To hear, work-through and accept/reject criticism in an
assertive way:
 Start by reminding yourself that not all criticism is
useful, justified, fair or correct. Verify the details, first.
 Focus on thinking through, rather than fighting
through, criticism.
 Watch for extrapolating criticism. It’s unwise and not
useful to generalise from specifics.
 If the criticism is not about specific behaviour, then it’s
not useful. Discard it.
Know how to disagree
In situations where assertive behaviour is most called for,
there are likely going to be disagreements.
The assertive response is a constructive response that puts
your case without getting emotional, surrendering your
integrity or losing your respect for the other person.
Here’s a process you can follow:

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 The Affirmative Statement. Start with “yes”: not to
indicate agreement but to prepare your counterpart
for what you’re about to say. Starting with a “no”
puts others into argument mode, not listening mode.
 The Softening Statement. Our views are formed in
the context of our background and experience.
Recognise this within a softening statement, for
example: “As someone with first-hand experience of
this, I can understand where you’re coming from.”
 Setup the Explanation Process. If there is going to be
any sensible discussion, you need to be allowed to
put your case. Indicate how you’ll do that: “Can I
take a moment to explain how I arrived at my
viewpoint?”
 Give Your Reasons. Here, you can present a
balanced view of pros and cons; or you can simply
give your reasons or justifications. Either way, keep it
direct, succinct, open and relaxed. And don’t feel the
need to rush.
 The Disagreement Statement. Finish with strong,
clear and unapologetic language (including
matching body language) as you underscore your
disagreement. Be professional and friendly, but be
clear: “So I cannot agree with you.”
Have fun with negative
assertions and enquiry
When we’re called names or given negative labels, the
non-assertive instinct is to feel hurt and retreat; and the
aggressive instinct is to defend ourselves and attack our
attacker. There is a third (assertive) option: negative
assertion.
Negative assertion is like jujitsu: using the power of your
protagonist to turn the situation to your advantage. You
do this by accepting the part of the attack that might be
true in a matter-of-fact and light way.
Negative enquiry invites extra, more-specific, criticism
which has the dual benefit of providing more feedback,
but also challenging the worthiness of the criticism.
Here are a few examples:
 “If you think that, you must be stupid”
“I admit, I’m not the brightest person around.”
 “You’re always making mistakes.”
“Yes, I do make the occasional mistake.”
 “You’re so lazy!”
“Oh really? In what way, specifically?”
 “You’re always over-complicating the requirement.”
“Always? When specifically have I don’t that?”
The many benefits
of assertiveness
Assertiveness is a necessary and hugely beneficial skill
that enjoys the benefits both of non-assertion (e.g. fitting in,
no feelings of guilt, no upsetting people) and of
aggressiveness (e.g. high self-esteem, getting what you
want, people no taking advantage), without the
disadvantages of either .
Like any behaviour, it can be learned and developed.
And is absolutely worth the investment.
Dan Beverly is a leadership and performance coach helping ambitious, high-
achieving professional women land their perfect career.
His mission is to inspire possibility in others for a career that leaves us feeling
fulfilled in our work, confident in ourselves and balanced in our life.
Go online to book your “Session Zero” with Dan – and start capitalising on
your pivotal career moments today.
http://danbeverly.com/session-zero