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How Great Leaders Listen to Understand
- 1. How Great Leaders Listen Semira Rahemtulla November 1, 2017
- 2. Who am I? • Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell • Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap) • UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote) • Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer Science Semira Rahemtulla Cofounder of InnerSpace
- 3. A Thought Experiment… On a quiet Sunday afternoon, when your partner says: “I hate Sundays! I get so stressed on Sundays because Monday comes next! I hate my job! I wish I could figure out how I could not have to work there ever again.” What do you say back?
- 4. 3 Levels of Listening 1.Listening to win • Rejecting / tell her she’s wrong (often nicely) 2.Listening to fix • Adding new info, asking a question 3.Listening to understand • Content • Emotion • Meaning - So work is so bad you’d rather not even go? And you’re frustrated because you can’t figure out how to get around a thing you hate? - That’s not true! Sundays are the best! You’ve got to enjoy Sundays - at least it’s not yet Monday. - You know, Sundays used to be like that for me, too. You just have to not think about Monday. - What’s going on at work?
- 5. Listening to understand is simply about Curiosity
- 6. Our mental models affect how we listen How can I get her to focus on the real issue? How can I get her to see it my way? Why is she being so difficult? PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS Listening to “fix” What is she saying? What’s the central feeling? What is it connected to? What’s her implicit hope, intent, or fear? PEOPLE HAVE PERSPECTIVES Listening to understand
Editor's Notes
- There is listening and there is making the other person feel heard, feel understood. There are 2 sides to it. Learn how to listen such that the other person feels heard, and how to bring in your perspective Great relationships are built on a foundation of excellent communication. One of the most powerful tools for working through (or avoiding!) some of our biggest challenges in relationships is an ability to truly listen...to be able not just to hear words, but to see things through the eyes of the other person.
- Takes forever --> often it takes surprisingly less time than you think. The hard part is getting yourself to stop and think for a second and to formulate your response rather than just responding right away -- cognitively difficult --> (never get anything done - what if I don't agree? How are we going to move forward? We'll get mired in the disagreement rather than getting to action) If they don't agree, but you ignore it, doesn't mean you agree. So then the action you get to just means you'll have the conversation again. And sometimes you have this conversation over and over and over. --> you don't always have to listen this way. This is a tool for those times when things are difficult, when you feel stuck, when you feel like you're having the same conversation again and again and the other person just doesn't get. Use this tool wisely - all levels are equally valid. We just don't tend to access #6 unless you practice. -if I listen to somebody like that, isn't it arrogant of me to tell them what they're thinking -I am implicitly agreeing with them - what if I think they're wrong --> you don't have to be right and you don't have to agree