Topics include disclosure, vulnerability, and effective feedback conversations

1. Communication Workshop
Semira Rahemtulla
Oct 6, 2017

2. Who am I?
• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire
(IPO 2010, $4B+ market cap)
• UX Designer @ multiple startups
• Harvard Ed.M Technology In Education
• Stanford B.S. Computer Science
Semira Rahemtulla
Cofounder of InnerSpace

3. Who are you?

4. Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]
Disclosure & Vulnerability 40 mins
Break 10 mins
Feedback & Influence, part 1 40 mins
Break 10 mins
Feedback & Influence, part 2 70 mins
Closing 10 mins
TOTAL ~3 hrs
Agenda

5. I will…
– Give you my best
– Take breaks
– End on time
– Send you these slides & further reading
What else would be helpful for you?
Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

6. I ask you to…
Respect
confidentiality
Photo by Vox Efx [link]
Working Agreements

7. I ask you to…
Challenge yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]
Working Agreements

8. I ask you to…
Minimize
distractions
Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link]
Working Agreements

9. I ask you to…
– Challenge yourself
– Respect confidentiality
– Minimize distractions
– Wait for breaks & return on time
Can we all commit to this?
Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

10. One Big Idea

11. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

12. Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??

13. First Exercise

14. Exercise #1: If You Really Knew Me…
• Each person gets 2min to complete the
sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”
• No responses except “Thank you”

15. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure

16. “ VULNERABILITY IS
THE BIRTHPLACE
OF CONNECTION. ”
BRENÉ
BROWN

17. Google’s
Project
Aristotle

18. Team norms that foster psychological safety
Psychological safety is ‘‘a sense of confidence that the team will
not embarrass, reject or punish someone for speaking up,’’
‘‘It describes a team climate characterized by interpersonal trust
and mutual respect in which people are comfortable being
themselves.’’
Working AgreementsEffective Teams

19. Feedback & Influence

20. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

21. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

22. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

23. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
“When you do [x]…”
Focus on specific, observable behavior
"I feel [y]…”
Describe the impact of that behavior on you (disclosure)
“Can you tell me what’s going on for you?”
Ask about the other person’s intentions and perspective
Stay on your side of the net!

24. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Shaina, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Shaina, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You
are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Shaina, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about what message that might send to
others in the room.

25. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond
very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh
man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for
asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve
noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with
questions or requests.

26. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
Step 1: Open with mutual goals and positive intent.
What do you really want for this relationship?
What is your intention in giving this feedback?
Step 2: Stay on your side of the net
a. Stick to observable behavior (“When you did [x]…”)
b. Share your reaction (“I felt [y], and my story is [z]”)
c. Ask for their perspective (“What was going on for you?”)
Step 3: Enter joint problem-solving.
State your requests and preferences
Decide together how to make things better.
Design some experiments.

27. Exercise #3
Practice Giving Feedback

28. Exercise #3: Feedback Practice
Think of someone you’d like to give feedback
• They’ve done something that impacted you that you haven’t
discussed with them
• You’ve had some concerns about how to raise the issue
Reflect:
• Behaviors/Actions you find problematic
• Effect/impact of those behaviors on you (feelings, stories)
• Your needs? Their needs?

29. Exercise #3: Feedback Practice
Find a partner; pick a Person A and Person B
• Person A delivers their feedback to Person B
• Person B coaches Person A on their feedback
- Did they name a specific, observable behavior?
- Did they name his/her feelings about the impact
of that behavior?
- Did they stay on their side of the net?
Switch & Repeat

30. How was that?
• What worked to influence you? What didn’t?
• Did you learn anything by giving feedback this way?
• Are you going to give it a try for real?

31. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

32. Exercise #4
Complimentary Feedback

33. Exercise #4: Complimentary Feedback
Think of one thing your coworker does that
you really appreciate
1. Describe the behavior as specifically as
possible
2. Describe the impact the behavior has on
you

34. #1 Factor for Happiness
on the Job:
Feeling appreciated
-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees

35. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityBuilding a culture of appreciation
1. Create a space for it
2. Lead by example

36. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback
Manage your own defensiveness
• Notice it
• Name it: “Affect Labeling”
Goal is understanding, not winning
• “What I heard you say…”
• “Can you tell me more about that?"
Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”

37. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net:
When you do [x]…
I feel [y]…
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

38. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress

39. Homework
In the next week, have (at least) one more
feedback conversation

40. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 