Academic Writing Course Student Material For Degree Programme Theses

Laurea University of Applied Sciences Course material
Laurea Leppävaara
Mike Vollar, updated by Sebastian King
Autumn 2015
Academic Writing Course
St udent mat erial for Degree Programme t heses

Laurea University of Applied Sciences Course material
Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2015
Table of Contents
1 Introduction..................................................................................................... 3
1.1 The nature of academic writing..................................................................... 3
1.2 Text examples: Academic or non-academic in style? ........................................... 4
1.3 Colloquial phrases ..................................................................................... 5
1.4 Replacing phrasal verbs with more formal verbs................................................. 8
2 Preliminaries to the t hesis ................................................................................. 10
2.1 The title page ........................................................................................ 10
2.2 Guidelines for the abstract ......................................................................... 13
2.3 Table of contents .................................................................................... 17
3 To adapt or regurgitate source material? ............................................................... 19
3.1 A reminder of the format for source references ............................................... 19
3.2 Source references in t he t ext ...................................................................... 19
3.3 Source references in t he list of references ..................................................... 20
3.4 Bullet ed lists.......................................................................................... 21
3.5 Relationship between author and reader ........................................................ 22
4 Improving text flow ......................................................................................... 26
4.1 An example of weak sent ence st ruct ure......................................................... 26
4.2 Joining simple sentences t ogether................................................................ 27
4.3 Linking cause and effect ............................................................................ 28
4.4 Avoiding direct questions........................................................................... 29
4.5 Definitions............................................................................................. 30
4.6 Link words (connectors) ............................................................................ 31
4.7 Summarising words .................................................................................. 32
4.8 Redundancy ........................................................................................... 34
5 Using tables, figures and appendices .................................................................... 36
5.1 Tables and figures ................................................................................... 36
5.2 Appendices............................................................................................ 36
5.3 Models for tables, figures, appendices........................................................... 37
5.4 Jargon.................................................................................................. 38
5.5 Data commentary .................................................................................... 40
5.5.1 What is meant by data commentary?................................................... 40
5.5.2 Example of a data-commentary text ................................................... 41
5.5.3 Strength of Claim ........................................................................... 42
5.5.4 Table, wit h two examples of data commentary ...................................... 45

Laurea University of Applied Sciences Course material 3 (52)
Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2015
1 Introduction
If you want to find furt her information on the subj ect of academic writing, the following two sources are
recommended. The first is in book form and available in our college library here in Leppävaara:
“ Academic Writing for Graduate St udents” by John M. Swales and Christine B. Feak, published by the University
of Michigan.
The second is on-line and available on Laurea comput ers:
http:/ / www2.amk.fi/ mater/ kielet/ kiva3/ acad_writ/
1.1 The nature of academic writing
An academic piece of writing should be:
- Precise
- Obj ective
- Formal
- Sophisticated
An academic piece of writing should not be:
- Colloquial He’ s making the story up
- Slangy Your t eacher is a real cool dude
- Metaphorical He met an untimely deat h
This is the end of the road for Microsoft
- Ambiguous There’ s a new laser on my work-desk
- Inexact A few employees were interviewed
- Subj ective British English is superior t o American English
- Personal I interviewed the managing director
- Exaggerating Everybody has a mobile phone today
- Emotive Your work is shockingly disgraceful
- Judgmental Surprisingly, the results were incredibly positive
- Rhetorical What can we do about the situation?

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1.2 Text examples: Academic or non-academic in style?
Text 1 POP GOES SEATTLE
When the American economy was running full-tilt two years ago, few places were as breathlessly
delighted as Seattle. Its port was j ammed with ships bringing goods from Asia. The Boeing
company could barely keep up wit h demand for its airliners. Microsoft was hiring hordes of
software engineers. After each rain shower, another Internet millionaire sprang up. Here was a
city that had it all.
Now it has all gone sour. The past 12 months have seen a non-stop succession of disappointments.
Boeing’ s headquart ers decamped to Chicago. The Int ernet economy popped like a balloon in a nail
factory, taking with it once-promising local vent ures such as Homegrocer.com and leaving can’ t -
possibly-miss companies such as drugstore.com barely hanging on. And an already troubled Boeing
was hit even harder after September 11th bot h by a steep drop in airline orders and by losing a
$200 billion Joint Strike Fighter contract to Lockheed Martin.
Text 2 HEALTH (Source R.R.Jordan, Academic Writing Course, Longmans)
It is generally accepted t hat a dietary intake of about 2500 calories a day is a basic requirement
for proper healt h, of which a particularly important element is the prot ein content. Therefore, it
can be assumed that if the protein intake in the diet falls below a certain level, it will lead to
malnutrition and disease. The average adult ’ s body contains about 10.9 kg of protein; only 2.2 kg
can be lost without death occurring.
An adult needs to replace about 40 grams of protein a day. In developed countries nearly
everyone gets about twice as much protein as he really needs, often from eating such food as
milk, cheeses, eggs, fish and meat, all of which are high in prot ein content. In developing
countries, on the other hand, many vegetables t hat are eat en contain little prot ein.

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Autumn 2015
1.3 Colloquial phrases
Example: F-Secure’ s new virus prot ect ion device is really great !
F-Secure’ s new virus prot ect ion device is very successful.
Managers need t o brush up t heir knowledge of English
Managers need t o updat e/ improve/ revise t heir knowledge of English
Exercise 1: Which of the pairs of underlined words would be more suitable in an academic paper?
1 The government has made fantastic/considerable progress in solving environmental
problems.
2 The results we got/obtained were encouraging.
3 The results from a lot of/numerous proj ects have been prett y good/ encouraging.
4 A loss of j obs is one of the things which will happen/consequences if t he process is
automated.
5 The economy is on a high/growing strongly.
Find a more academic word or phrase in these sentences
6 The reaction of officials was sort of negative.
7 God forbid t hat this plan should ever be put into practice.
8 The future of t his school programme is unfort unat ely still up in the air.
9 Nowadays it is not unusual for several companies to get together on t he research costs.
10 The proposed agenda is pretty weak, but it will have to do for now.
Exercise 2: Rewrite these sentences in a less informal way
1 If you fail the exam, you can’ t ent er t he university.
2 OK, what are t he causes of inflation? Well, the possibilities are endless.
3 You can see what I mean when I point out what a failure our marketing has been.
4 Add a small bit of petrol to the mixt ure and it will improve a lot .
5 These special tax laws have been introduced in six states: Illinois, Iowa, Ohio, etc.
6 This thesis deals with bank financing, and the empirical part works as a pilot for the
whole proj ect .

Laurea Leppävaara
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Exercise 3: The following sentences all contain some elements that are clearly unacademic in style.
Circle them (there may be several in one sentence)
1 It was remarkable that t his product received extremely positive feedback from t he public.
2 As the word spread, more and more people became aware of this problem.
3 This ground-breaking Finnish pop group was soon on everybody’ s lips.
4 As the summer of 1999 went by, it became clear t hat critics loved them.
5 It is a fact of life that distribution takes t he lion’ s share of the total marketing budget .
6 Your hard disk grows in size every year.
7 At the moment, lasers have the edge over inkj ets.
8 I think t hat nowadays t he laser printer seems to be t he best print er available.
9 What does Customer Relationship Management require from companies in order to
achieve t he goals t hat have been set? Most important ly of all, a change in attitude.
10 Corporate managers feel t hat brand building definitely pays off eventually.
11 It would be important to know where t he company is now, where it is going, and to
describe t he methods how it can get t here.
12 With careful st udy, Yhtiö Oy might be able to find the consumers’ sweet -spot, and make a
quick kill.
13 It is downright essential to keep decision-making firmly but surely in the very capable
hands of CEO Matti Meikälainen.
14 Despite t he massive advert ising of CRM, it is safe to say that this really differs from
previous marketing strat egies.
15 Risk identification aims to bring to light the reason and cause of events which can affect
the company negatively.
16 Fast food will continue to be high on China’ s requirement list, and to spread t heir
popularity across different geographic regions and social classes.
17 Fortunately, customers rarely rej ect the restructuring program, as t here are no strings
attached to it .
18 If employees only had regular information meetings, t hey could avoid such incredible
misunderstanding, and so emphasise all the positive t hings which Yhtiö Oy has t o offer.

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Exercise 4: The underlined verbs are being used in a colloquial or metaphoric way.
Replace them with a more suitably academic word which is more exact and concrete.
1 The record companies get income from record sales __________________
2 As Finnish music gets more international, ... __________________
3 In order to get t he customers interest ed in a new product ... __________________
4 Independent record companies come in two types, independent
and non-independent __________________
5 They need to run advertisements for t heir new products __________________
6 The company should have a system for analysing data __________________
7 The planning document should always open wit h a short
summary. __________________
8 A successful product must be able to stand competition. __________________
9 Record companies have to push t heir products hard. __________________
10 Artists have been fighting with the record companies for
a larger share.. __________________
11 Musical styles and trends go hand in hand with certain
lifestyles __________________
12 Companies should not think that all advertising leads direct ly
to sales. __________________
13 The advertising will not work wit hout careful planning. __________________
14 The new product line didn’ t make the cut. __________________
15 The 4th
quarter results should make t he shareholders happy. __________________
16 Marketing is so important t hat extra staff can be hired
for doing it. __________________
17 29%of consumers favoured Sony’ s products, up six points
from 1998. __________________
18 The main idea of segment ation is to clarify the suitability
of variables __________________
19 There’s always an audience for good music __________________
20 For urgent decisions, it can be necessary to go over the heads
of local managers. __________________
21 In the long run t his strategy is going to fail. __________________
22 Musical products can be advertised side by side with
other products. __________________

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1.4 Replacing phrasal verbs with more formal verbs
Example:
Researchers looked at t he way calcium builds up in elect ric ket t les
Researchers examined t he way calcium accumulat es in elect ric ket t les
Exercise 1: Replace the phrasal verb (verb + preposition) in each sentence with a verb from the list.
assist reduce create investigate raise
establish increase determine fluct uate eliminat e
1 The supervisor can help out a student experiencing problems wit h thesis writing.
2 This program was set up to improve t he keyboard skills of new students.
3 Company travel expenses have gone up by nearly $350 million.
4 The use of comput erised services should cut down t he number of workers needed.
5 Doctors have found out t hat the new drug is dangerous.
6 Building a nuclear power plant will not get rid of the energy problem completely.
7 We have been looking into this problem for 15 years now.
8 This issue was brought up during the investigation.
9 Nokia can come up with better designs using t his new technology.
10 The company’ s profit level has been going up and down.
Exercise 2: Do the same exercise on these sentences, substituting with a formal verb of your own.
1 The introduction of t he euro has brought about serious
problems. ___________________
2 The instructor will go over your essay very thoroughly. ___________________
3 Students should look up all unfamiliar words in a dictionary. ___________________
4 The visitors were looked after by t he parent company
with first-class hospitality. ___________________
5 Our extremely sensitive new instruments picked up signals
from the explosion. ___________________
6 Proposals to construct nuclear reactors met with great
resistance from environmentalists. ___________________
7 Less-developed countries are rapidly catching up with
the western world in technology. ___________________
8 The finance department is suspect ed of making up some
of its statistics. ___________________
9 There is no reason why we should put up with such behaviour. ___________________

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10 Internationalisation in t his field is already going
on quit e strongly ___________________
11 The analysis looked at t he problems of cost and pricing ___________________
12 In this case t he company takes care of the marketing and
promotion itself. ___________________
13 They need to keep track of the company’ s income and
expenses. ___________________
14 This also includes the supporting services which go
with the goods. ___________________
15 The obj ect is to receive something more desirable t han
that which was given up. ___________________
16 The market er has to look ahead in order to visualise
possible t hreats. ___________________
17 Marketing strat egies then need to be turned into specific plans
for action. ___________________
18 It is much easier to creat e a good marketing strategy than
to carry it out. ___________________
19 The company is now going after a much larger market share. ___________________
20 It is time for the car indust ry to move on. ___________________
21 This trend now seems to be going out of fashion. ___________________
22 It is necessary to put a lot of effort into the marketing process. ___________________
23 This data allows the analyser to find out how costs per head
vary with sales volume. ___________________
24 The market er is able to point out the most desirable channel
of distribution. ___________________
25 Investments can be exploited to open up new opport unities. ___________________

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2 Preliminaries to the t hesis
The following pages are required at t he beginning of your thesis before the actual text body
begins:
- (Cover page)
- Title page
- Abstract (for Finns, in two languages)
- Table of contents
Note: The following information is part of the document “ Thesis Format Guidelines” which is
stored for you in Optima.
2.1 The title page
What to remember when writing the title page:
1 No page number print ed on the title page
2 Single line spacing for t he title page
3 Line 1: Normal t ext, boldfaced
4 Line 2: No comma between the words
5 Line 21: If you can’ t mention the company’ s name (confidential), call it Company X.
Otherwise give the full official name of the company in either language (e.g. Nokia Oyj )
6 Line 54: Forename first, t hen family name
7 Line 55: You’ ll need 2 lines for this (so the next 2 lines are one line lat er t han in the
model)
8 Line 57: Simply leave the word “ Thesis” unchanged here
9 Line 58: Month in words. Year as a number. In t heory, this is the mont h in which you
graduate, in practice it might be the mont h in which your thesis is completed

Laurea University of Applied Sciences
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Laurea University of Applied Sciences
Laurea Leppävaara
An example of the preliminary pages of a thesis:
a case study of Mivo Ltd
John Smith
Degree Programme
in Business Management
Bachelor’ s Thesis
January 2009

Laurea Leppävaara
Spring 2013
2.2 Guidelines for the abstract
1. Purpose of the abstract
The abstract is a window t o your work, which outsiders can and will access via the keywords. It
should therefore be writt en in a way t hat is easy to read and meaningful for an educated reader
unfamiliar wit h your area of study. It is placed immediately after t he title page, before t he table
of contents.
2. Layout
Make sure that you use the model form for the abstract exactly as shown in Appendix 1 of the
Thesis Guidelines. Remember t hat the whole abstract should fit onto one page, and t hat it uses
different line-spacing from the rest of the thesis. Choose from the following t erms for the
information in the top left corner of the page:
Row 1 Laurea University of Applied Sciences
Row 2 Laurea Leppävaara
Row 3 Degree Programme in Business Management
3. Content
The usual areas to be out lined in t he abstract are:
- The reasons for conducting the research, and the case company
- The topic, and t he main problems handled
- The met hods and the dat a used to solve the problem
- The main results (in several sent ences only)
- Any conclusions or proposals arrived at.
As a very general rule, about 15-20 lines of text is enough for all of the above. Avoid going into
too much detail, especially about the case company, t he background, or t he subj ect area. Present
only what is absolutely central to the thesis, and writ e concisely.
At the bottom of the abstract on line 54 you should give no more than 5 keywords, which can be
used to index your work in a database.
4. Style
The linguistic style of your abstract should conform to the principles of good academic writing, in
other words be formal and obj ective. Be exact , concise and to-the-point , making sure t hat every

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Spring 2013
word and phrase is carefully planned. Avoid repeating the same group of words in successive
sentences.
- Only the passive and t he t hird person singular should be used for t he abstract , so no
personal pronouns (I, you, we; my, your, our).
- There should be no headings, and no questions.
- Underlining, italics and boldface may not be used.
- As in the thesis itself, abbreviations and acronyms need to be writt en out in full the first
time they are introduced.
What to remember when writing the abstract:
1 No page number print ed on the abstract page
2 Single line spacing for t he abstract
3 Line 1: Normal t ext, boldfaced
4 Line 2: No comma between the words
5 Line 8: Surname first, t hen first name
6 Line 10: Exactly t he same form of words as on the title page, but Trebuchet 10,
boldfaced.
7 Line 12: Keep the words “ Year” and “ Pages” , but add the relevant number after each of
them.
8 The cont ent of the abstract should
- present t he background to your research, the research problem, the met hods used,
the main results, any conclusions or recommendations
- contain only information which is cent ral to the t hesis (no discussion, detail,
examples)
- be understandable wit hout looking at the thesis itself
9 The language of the abstract should
- use only a formal and obj ective style (See t he section “ Formal v. Informal Style” for
examples)
- not use contractions (isn’ t , it’ s, we’ ve)
- not use 1st and 2nd person pronouns (I, you, we; my, your, our)
- also show the full form of abbreviated names of companies or acronyms, the first
time they occur in the text of the abstract (AMD, Laurea, Nokia)
- always use full grammatical sent ences, with subj ect and verb
- have no headings
- not use questions
- not use underlining, boldfacing, italics
- not use bulleted lists
10 Line 54: Write “ Keywords” at C0 followed by 1-5 of the keywords from your thesis at C1.

Laurea University of Applied Sciences Abstract (R1C4)
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Laurea University of Applied Sciences Abstract
Laurea Leppävaara
Degree Programme in Business Management
Smith, John
An example of the preliminary pages of a thesis: a case study of Mivo Ltd
Year 2008 Pages 74
Text begins here
(Text finishes no later than this row)
Key words outsourcing, purchase invoice, electronic invoicing, profitability

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Autumn 2013
2.3 Table of contents
What to remember when creating the table of contents:
1 No page number print ed for the table of cont ents
2 Line spacing in t he table of contents is 1½
3 Begin the table of contents on a new page
4 Section (also sub-section) headings should be eit her in Title Case or alternatively in small
lett ers with a first capital letter)
5 Indentation of one centimeter for every new level of headings (e.g. between section 3
and sub-section 3.1, or bet ween 4.1.2 and 4.1.2.1) See section 17.1: Style for t he Table of
Contents in Guidelines for Bachelor’ s Theses.
6 No dot after the last digit of any index number
7 Page numbers on t he right at 14.5 cm linked by a row of dots
8 Include your list of references and any appendices in the table of contents but don’ t give
them an index number
9 A minimum of 2 entries at every sub-section level
10 All sub-headings in one section approximately consistent in style

Table of Contents
1 The Written Thesis................................................................................. 6
1.1 The Structure of a Dissertation-Type Thesis .......................................... 7
1.1.1 Title Page............................................................................ 8
1.1.2 Abstract .............................................................................. 9
1.1.3 Contents ........................................................................... 13
1.1.4 Introduction ....................................................................... 15
1.1.5 Theoretical Bases ................................................................ 17
1.1.6 Methods ............................................................................ 19
1.1.7 Results.............................................................................. 21
1.1.8 Conclusion ......................................................................... 25
1.1.9 References and Sources......................................................... 28
1.1.10Appendices ........................................................................ 32
1.2 The Structure of a Proj ect-Type Thesis.............................................. 34
2 Linguistic and Stylistic Form of the Thesis .................................................. 37
2.1 Strategies for Producing a Text ........................................................ 37
2.2 Stages of the Writing Process.......................................................... 39
2.3 Neut ral Prose Style ...................................................................... 42
2.4 Readability and Int elligibility .......................................................... 45
2.5 Struct ure of the Text , Paragraph and Sent ence .................................... 48
2.6 Thesis Titles............................................................................... 52
3 Checking t he Thesis ............................................................................. 58
4 Oral Presentation of the Thesis ............................................................... 65
4.1 Tasks of the Opponent .................................................................. 67
4.2 Practical Advice for the Present er .................................................... 72
List of References ....................................................................................... 75

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3 To adapt or regurgitate source material?
3.1 A reminder of the format for source references
A fuller explanation of these principles can be found in sections 4.2 and 5.1 of “ Preparing a
Written Report” . You’ ll find the document with t his name in Intra (English) at Laurea – Laurea
Leppävaara, instructions for studies
3.2 Source references in t he t ext
For a book (Smith 2006, 35)
For a book with 2 authors (Smith & Jones 2006, 35)
For a book with multiple authors,
first time: (Smith, Jones, Brown & Wilson 2006, 35)
later: (Smith et al. 2006, 35)
For an article (Schlesinger 2001)
For an interview (Mäkinen 2006)
For an elect ronic source,
author’ s name available (Bennis 1999)
document tit le available (The leadership advantage 1999)
neither of t hese (University of Michigan 1999)

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3.3 Source references in t he list of references
For a book:
Smith, J. 2005. International marketing. New York: MacMillan
Smith, J. & Jones, T. 2005. International marketing. New York: MacMillan
Smith, J., Jones, T., Brown, J. & Wilson, M. 2005. International marketing. New York: MacMillan
For an article:
Schlesinger, T. 2001. Exit strategies in Iraq. Newsweek. May 6. 74-78
For an interview:
Mäkinen, J. 2006. Managing director. Digital Equipment Corporation Oy. Interview with the
author. 5 Nov 2006. Helsinki. Personal communication.
For an elect ronic source, author’ s name available:
Bennis, W. 1999. The leadership advantage. Accessed 7 Dec 2006.
http:/ / www.leadertoleader.org/ leaderbooks/ l2l/ spring99/ bennis.html
For an elect ronic source, document title available:
The leadership advantage. 1999. Accessed 7 Dec 2006.
For an elect ronic source, author’ s name and document title not available:
University of Michigan. 1999. Accessed 7 Dec 2006.

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Autumn 2013
3.4 Bullet ed lists
As a general rule, informat ion in a thesis needs to be presented using full grammatical sent ences
(i.e. with subj ect and verb) placed in paragraphs of text. Except inside a table, information may
not be reported in note form at all, and lists, wit h or without bullets, should be used very rarely
and only for a special reason. Compare these two cases.
Example 1:
In t he net work approach of indust rial market ing, t hree t ypes of connect ions can be ident if ied.
The whole of t hese connect ions form a business-t o-business relat ionship. According t o
Gummesson (1999, 14), t hese are:
1 Act ivit y links, which are concerned wit h t echnical, administ rat ive and market ing
act ivit ies.
2 Resource t ies, which including sharing and exchanging resources, whet her int angible ones
such as knowledge or t angible ones such as machines.
3 Act or bonds t hat are formed by people who int eract and exert influence on each ot her,
and form opinions about each ot her.
Example 2:
2.14 Phases of t he Cust omer Relat ionship Process by Corcoran et al. (1995, 31)
Phase 1: Est ablish t he relat ionship
- Qualify t he prospect
- Gat her informat ion
- Int roduce capabilit ies
Phase 2: Analyse t he Cust omer’ s Requirement s
- Define t he requirement s
- Clarify t he buying process
- Validat e requirement s
Phase 3: Implement t he Recommendat ions
- Init iat e set -up
- Monit or inst allat ion
- Init iat e follow-up

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Autumn 2013
3.5 Relationship between author and reader
The nature of t his relationship (often called t he narrative viewpoint) affects t he way in which a
text needs to be writt en. To take a simple example, a boss could write to a subordinate “ The
copying machine must be switched off before going home” whereas a subordinate might remind
his boss “ I’ m sure you remember we’ re not supposed to leave t his copying machine switched on at
night” ; a message to fellow workers might say “ Will the last person out of the building please
switch off the copying machine?”
A student writes a thesis in order to demonstrate to t he outside world – meaning his teachers at
college and pot ential employers in business life – t he range of skills he has acquired during his
studies and his readiness to move from a school environment to working life. This necessarily
means that although you need to find a lot of factual information for your t hesis from text books,
your attitude in presenting that information needs to be very different from that of the experts
who wrote t he books. Your task is to make an offering to your superiors, not to dictate to the
reader. For this reason copying information direct ly or almost direct ly from source books will
contradict t his. You always need to adapt the way in which your information is presented.

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Exercise 4: The following information is from a school book teaching how to write good business
documents in English, so it naturally has a pedagogical style. Rewrite this information as a
paragraph (or section) of text in a style suitable to be included in a thesis:
Five Golden Rules of Business Writing
1 Put yourself in t he reader’ s position
Think about t he reader: is he/ she a native speaker of English; if not, t hink what his/ her language
skills might be and adapt your language correspondingly. Are t here any cult ural differences t hat
should be taken into account?
2 Style : Kiss (Keep it Simple, Stupid)
Use short familiar words that you think t he reader will recognise. Precise concrete words help to
keep your reader interested. Be consistent in style, and whatever you do, don’ t overwhelm t he
poor reader wit h horribly complicated terminology.
3 Be polit e
Avoid words that sound demanding. Present requests in question form and not as a command.
4 Be positive
It’ s always a good idea to present ideas in a positive rather than a negative light. It always sounds
better to stress what you can do rather t han what’ s impossible.
5 Correct ness
You must not only use a spell-check but you need to read through the text yourself too to see how
it feels.

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Autumn 2013
Exercise 5: Paraphrasing source material
Below you’ ll find excerpts from two articles on the subj ect of differences between men and
women as targets for marketing. Your task is to adapt this information into a paragraph / section
that would be included in a thesis. In order to help you, on t he following page you will find a
ready skeleton for your paragraph, but the details are missing. Complete t he t ext.
Excerpt 1: from Rena Bartos – Women as an Advertising Target
There are two subj ects about which everyone in t he marketing and advertising communities has
strong opinions and preconceptions. One of them is women. The other is int ernational marketing.
It isn’ t too many years ago that markets in the Unit ed States were clearly separat ed by gender.
The assumption was that men were the targets for all the expensive, big-ticket products and
services, such as cars, travel and financial services. On the other hand, women were sold food,
household products, fashions and cosmetics. It is remarkable to recall that at t hat time, working
women were invisible in marketing and advertising plans. Most advertisers thought of women
consumers as housewives. The usual target definition was “ any housewife, 18 to 49” .
Occasionally, t hey would recognise young single women, who in those days they described as
“ girls” , as natural targets for cosmetics and fashion products. These two perceptions of women
dominated marketing approaches to women in those days.
The surge of women ent ering the workforce has revolutionised t he way we define the consumer
marketplace:
- We find t hat men are crossing over into the supermarket and shopping for food and
household products t hat used to be the exclusive responsibility of the housewife.
- We find t hat women are crossing over into the big-ticket product categories. They have
become good customers for financial services, for travel and for cars.
- We find t hat not all working women are young single girls, and not all housewives are
married.
In short , our perception of the total consumer market place has been turned upside down as a
result of this one demographic fact .
Excerpt 2: from Claud Bovée’s ”Marketing Excellence”
Demographic Segment at ion. Defining market segments according to demographic charact eristics is
called demographic segmentation. Here’ s a quick look at how these factors can define target
markets.

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Gender. Gender is a key factor in many advertising campaigns. In some cases t he gender
orientation is obvious, such as products for women shown in ads aimed at women. In other cases,
the advertiser considers gender in a less obvious way. For instance, some evidence suggests that
men and women approach information gathering different ly: men t end to consult fewer
information sources and rely on whatever information is most readily available, whereas women
tend to take a more comprehensive course of action and search for more information. Advertisers
can respond to this potential difference by designing ads differently when t hey are targeting men
or women.
Task: Complete the skeleton outline given below of a possible paraphrase of the 2 texts by Bartos
and Bovée. The text is to be part of a thesis in a section titled ‘2.1.4 Women as an Advertising
Target’. Note that the source references have already been given.
2.1.4 Women as an Advert ising Target
According to the traditional pict ure of market segmentation which existed until recently, it was
expect ed t hat men would be int erest ed in …
while women would be more attract ed to …
(Bartos 2001, 44).
This pict ure has now completely changed since women entered the workforce. According to Rena
Bartos (2001, 45), ....
One reason for t his new st ate of affairs, it is hypot hesized, might be t he fact t hat men and women
approach information gathering differently …
The result of t his is that advertisements which are targeted at men need to be designed
differently from those targeted at women (Bovée 1998, 173).ssion

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4 Improving text flow
4.1 An example of weak sent ence st ruct ure
This thesis explains about establishing a company and writing a business plan. These themes are
explained t heoretically and through a case company’ s point of view. The t heoretical cont ext is
formed by analyzing how t o establish a company, concent rating especially on t he business plan. In
the empirical section of t his thesis an entrepreneur is given advice on how to start her own
company. The name of the company will be Mivo. In t his section, a business plan for the company
is also written.
In the t heoretical section establishing a company, the process, is analyzed. The establishing
process includes t he following: business idea, t he weighing of one’ s assets in ent repreneurship,
financing plans for a new company, the decision to establish a company, choosing the company
form and other issues such as value-added tax and registering the company.
In the section on t he establishing process, t he business idea to business plan part is analyzed
thoroughly. First the purpose of a business plan and t he planning t hat needs to be done before
writing a business plan are explained. The planning part is followed by t he part which explains the
contents of a business plan. These are t he business idea, marketing and pricing, financial aspects
and appendices. After the content of the business plan, instructions on how t he business plan can
be implemented are given.

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4.2 Joining simple sentences t ogether
Example:
This is a book. I have j ust read it . It is of no pract ical use.
This book which I have j ust read is of no pract ical use.
Exercise 1: Compare these two paragraphs by marking the parts in version b) which differ from version a).
Then consider why b) has better text flow than a).
a. Lasers have found widespread application in medicine. Lasers play an important role in the
treatment of eye disease and t he prevention of blindness. The eye is ideally suited for laser
surgery. Most of the eye tissue is transparent. The frequency and focus of the laser beam
can be adj usted according to the absorption of the tissue. The beam “ cuts” inside the eye
with minimal damage to the surrounding tissue – even the tissue between t he laser and the
cut. Lasers are effective in treating some causes of blindness. Ot her treatments are not .
The interaction between laser light and eye tissue is not fully understood.
b. Lasers have found widespread application in medicine, for example playing an important
role in the treatment of eye disease and the prevention of blindness. The eye is ideally
suited for laser surgery because most of the eye tissue is transparent. Because of this
transparency, t he frequency and focus of the laser beam can be adj usted according to the
absorption of the tissue so that the beam ” cuts” inside the eye with minimal damage to the
surrounding tissue – even t he tissue between t he laser and t he cut . Lasers are also more
effective t han other methods in treating some causes of blindness. However, the
interaction between laser light and eye tissue is not fully understood.

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4.3 Linking cause and effect
Simple sent ences one after the ot her and unnecessary repetition of the key phrase can often be
avoided by j oining t he cause and t he effect (result) with an –ing clause.
Examples:
Too many members were absent from t he meet ing. The chairman had t o cancel t he meet ing
because of t hese absences.
Too many members were absent from t he meet ing, forcing t he chairman t o cancel it .
Most cust omer payment s nowadays are made over t he Int ernet . Therefore many bank clerks have
lost t heir j obs.
Most cust omer payment s nowadays are made over t he Int ernet , leading t o a loss of j obs for bank
clerks.
Naturally, they can be joined in other ways too, such as:
Because t oo many members were absent from t he meet ing, t he chairman had t o cancel t he
meet ing.
The fact that t oo many members were absent from t he meet ing led to t he chairman having t o
cancel t he meet ing.
Exercise 2: Link the following pairs of cause/effect sentences together using an –ing clause.
1 The computer virus infects all stored files. As a consequence, t he host computer is
damaged when these files are opened.
2 The research was conducted over a one-week period in the Aleksi 13 department store.
The research offered some solutions to the store’ s most urgent problems.
3 Managers should reward employees in monetary ways. The result is that employees start
to perceive t hemselves as valuable to t he company.
4 The agency will assist the government with a new cost-effectiveness study. The study
should result in a sustainable increase in agricult ural product ion.
5 The aim of each retail branch is to offer local companies a wide selection of banking and
insurance services. This is intended to produce a strong and dynamic relationship with
these companies.

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4.4 Avoiding direct questions
Since rhetorical devices in general are not acceptable in academic writing, indirect questions
should normally be preferred to direct questions, in particular in section headings. One result of
this is that it will rarely be necessary to use a question mark in thesis writing.
Examples:
St udent s ask t hemselves “ Should we writ e direct ly in English, or t ranslat e from our nat ive
languages?”
St udent s ask t hemselves/ wonder whet her t hey should writ e direct ly in English, or t ranslat e from
t heir nat ive languages.
2.4.3 How should t hese result s be underst ood?
2.4.3 Underst anding t he result s.
Exercise 3: Change the following direct questions into indirect ones.
1 The researcher needs to know, should t he sample be widened?
2 The respondent did not understand, should he complete all pages of the questionnaire or
only t hose relevant to his work?
3 So what is the single most significant factor? Well, it is education.
4 Should Nokia invest heavily in the United States? The answer to this question will become
clear at the end of the present financial year.
5 How to improve Company X’ s after-sales services?
6 Companies need to identify: What unique benefits does the product offer to prospective
customers?
7 How much is the customer willing to pay for the product? Price is one of t he flexible
elements of the marketing mix.

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4.5 Definitions
Definitions are frequently needed in academic writing, for example when focussing on a specific
area.
Examples:
1 Helium is a gas which consist s of t wo prot ons, t wo neut rons, and t wo elect rons.
2 A limit ed part nership is a f orm of company in which one or more general part ners and
limit ed part ners share ownership of and liabilit y for a company.
Exercise 4: Write full-sentence definitions for the following terms following the model
“An A is a B which …
.”
Example: A bus is a vehicle which is used for t ransport ing people.
1 A thermomet er ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
2 A salary ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
3 A sole trader ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
4 00463 Business Communication Skills __________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
5 A CEO ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________

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Exercise 5: Insert the article a/an or the where necessary in the following definitions:
1 Container is re-usable package made of steel for loads of up to 40 tons.
2 Insurance is system where client can cover himself for possible future damage.
3 Labour union is organisation of workers formed to improve t heir economic status and
working conditions.
4 Rice is cereal grain t hat usually requires sub-t ropical climate in order to be economical.
5 Scrutineer is person responsible for checking minutes of meeting.
4.6 Link words (connectors)
(See also Appendix 1)
Exercise 6: Improve the flow of this passage by adding linking words or phrases. (There is a list of them in
an appendix to this material.) Pay attention to how the punctuation affects your choice.
Many modern artists are using comput ers in their work because these machines enable t he artist
to be more creative. Some artists believe computers will gain in popularity;
____________________, others feel they will have at best a short -lived effect on the art world.
The computer is not a conventional art tool exact ly like a brush, pencil or hammer;
____________________ , it is a tool that provides greater flexibility. _________________ the use
of computers for artistic purposes seems somewhat unusual, researchers believe their use will
indeed become more widespread during t his cent ury. Changes can be made quickly and easily
when artists use comput ers. ____________________, copying portions of a paint ing, drawing or
musical composition can be done with a keystroke, ____________________ saving the artist
considerable time. ____________________ some initial resistance, t he artistic community is
beginning to realise t hat technology can indeed play a role in creativity.
(Swales & Feak 2001, 24-5)

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4.7 Summarising words
Exercise 7: Complete the following with one of the summary words given below each sentence.
1 According to a recent survey, 26%of all American adults, down from 38%thirty years ago,
now smoke. This _______________ can be part ly attributed to the growing evidence
linking smoking and cancer.
a) decline b) reduction c) improvement d) decrease e) drop
2 When entering a foreign market a company must choose how and in what legal form it will
establish operations. This _______________ is referred to as deciding on an ent ry
strategy.
a) process b) form c) strategy d) idea e) withdrawal
3 Nowadays, laptop computers are lighter, more powerful and easier to use than t hey were
five years ago. These _______________ have led to an increase in the sales of t hese
machines.
a) changes b) developments c) advances d) improvements e) reasons
Exercise 8: Choose a summary word from the list to complete each sentence.
number improvement trend fall support increase
amount assurance risk drop proposals measures
1 In the United Stat es, t he levels of lead, carbon monoxide and sulphur dioxide have fallen
between 1978 and 1987. Despite t his _______________, the air is still dangerously
polluted.
2 Ozone levels in the Unit ed States increased 5%from 1986-87, another 15%from 1987-88,
and an additional 10%from 1988-90. Officials are concerned that if this _______________
continues, serious environmental damage may occur.
3 It is known that 20 of the 320 known toxic chemicals which are carried in t he air are alone
responsible for more t han 2 000 cases of cancer a year. While this _______________ may
not seem high, it is still a cause for concern.
4 It is known that individuals living near chemical plant s have a higher t han normal chance
of developing cancer. This _______________ has been confirmed by independent studies.
5 The Chemical Manufacturers Association has decided it will more strongly support the
pollution control efforts of the EPA. This _______________ was a maj or factor in the
passing of new environmental laws.
6 Lawmakers in sout hern California are proposing a ban on the sale of new charcoal grills,
requiring sophisticated pollution cont rol devices, and demanding t hat in t he future 40%of
all cars and buses should run on clean fuel such as methanol. These _______________ may
indeed become law in the near future.

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Exercise 9: Provide summary words of your own to improve the flow of this paragraph.
A 1986 study of 7 000 recovering alcoholics showed t hat 3%were under t he age of 20 and 18%
were between 21 and 30. Moreover, the study revealed t hat the average age of alcoholics seems
to be falling. This _______________ worries health officials. In t he past, alcohol addiction was
considered a social problem closely relat ed to criminal or immoral behaviour. However, today this
_______________ is no longer widely held. Many alcoholics have lived through difficult childhoods,
divorces, and professional disappointment. Even so, t hese _______________ are not very reliable
signals of who will become an alcoholic. In a recent study, children of alcoholics were found to be
four times as likely as children of non-alcoholics to develop alcoholism – even when raised by non-
alcoholic parents. This _______________ has led researchers to believe there is a genetic link in
alcoholism.

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4.8 Redundancy
Redundancy is a term used to describe superfluous text, using more words t han is necessary to
describe or explain a point . In other words, it’ s what prevents a text from being concise. Political
speeches and much classroom teaching contain a great deal of intentional redundancy in order to
produce a particular effect or to make sure listeners don’ t lose t he t hread. Some degree of
redundancy is always necessary, otherwise a text would become too dry and boring and the reader
would receive no guidance about, for example, where a text is going. But in a thesis, this
redundancy should be kept to a mimimum except for keeping the overall picture in mind and for
linking sentences or paragraphs together smoothly.
Exercise 1: This text is on a very childish level. How many different examples of repetition can you
identify in it?
I walked into the room and what do you t hink I saw? I saw this man. I t hought I recognised him but
I wasn’ t quite sure. He was quite fat and he was dressed in shabby clot hes. He can’ t have had a
shave for a few days and he really was very dirty. He was sleeping on a chair. It was a big leather
chair. When I walked in, he woke up.
Exercise 2: This text has more sophisticated subject matter, but still contains a great deal of repetition.
How many different examples can you identify?
It is very important to realise that the way in which people use language when t hey are speaking
is quite different from t he way in which they use language when t hey are writing. If you want to
have the ability to communicate with effectiveness, you should really t ry to bear in mind one of
the most significant differences between the written and the spoken forms of language, that is
the fact t hat the levels of redundancy that are expected in written language and those expected
in spoken language are not the same. As a general rule we can say that t he level of redundancy in
speech is noticeably very much higher t han t he level of redundancy in writing.
The three standard forms of redundancy in a sentence are repetition (as in t he examples above) periphrasis
(using a group of words to say something that could be said in one word) or taut ology (repeating the same idea
in different words).Here are some examples.
Periphrasis:
- My dog which is no longer living (My dead dog)
- The people of America (Americans)
- Marketing for businesess in which t he seller is a company and t he buyer is a consumer
( Business-to-consumer marketing)
- It was not until t he year 1998 that the company was publicly listed (?)
- The business plan of the company (the company’ s business plan)
Tautology:

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- My dead dog which is no longer breathing
- Parents who have children
- The temperat ure outside is freezing cold
- One single word should be enough
- Finally, I’ d like to conclude by saying …
- In a limit ed partnership, in other words a business in which general part ners are
responsible for all debt while limit ed partners are only liable for t he amount of t heir own
investment, …
- Companies such as Microsoft, Apple, Hewlett -Packard, Dell etc.
Exercise 3: Find the redundancy in each of the following five sentences.
1 Despite some opposition, t he motion was carried by a maj ority of two to one.
2 Edgar Allan Poe is best known for the many short stories that he wrot e.
3 Richard Nixon succeeded in his attempt to become president of America in 1968.
4 Children with learning difficulties can be helped to increase t heir self-confidence if the
parents of the child concerned are willing to participate in an integration programme.
5 There was a period of rapid economic growth in the 1960s, which tended to encourage
immigration.
Finally here is a text about a difficult subject where the heaviness of the topic blinds the
reader to the fact that it is full of redundancy:
There is a condition known as infantile autism. This is a very rare condition but , however, when it
does occur, it is a very severe disorder. Autistic children can be said to have problems in three
main areas which are essential for normal development. First ly, t here is a failure in t he
development of social relationships. Secondly, there is a severe delay both in the understanding of
language and in the child’ s own use of speech. Thirdly the autistic child finds it very difficult to
think in a way t hat is flexible. Unfortunately we must admit that t here is no cure for autism but ,
more positively, we can say that the right kind of treatment can help t hose who suffer from t his
condition to make some progress in these three areas which t hey find particularly problematic.

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5 Using tables, figures and appendices
5.1 Tables and figures
Tables and figures can be used to present information in a graphic manner. A table is used for
numerical facts, whereas a figure should be used for curves, columns etc. Tables and figures
should be placed as near as possible to their appropriate place in t he text and be provided with a
label and number according to their order of appearance. Each table and figure must be referred
to in the t ext, for example (See Table 2).
All pages of the thesis should be full pages, so don’ t leave any incomplet e pages either before or
after. Remember also that a table or figure only serves to support your text , but can’ t be used in
place of it. So a table or figure can never constitut e a whole sub-section on its own, and as a
minimum always requires at least one sent ence of explanation or summary.
Naming a table or a figure: Underneath, writ e the word Table or Figure (don’ t use any other
terms) together with an index number (always a whole number) and a suitable (definitive, unique)
title.
Quick check-list for tables and figures:
- Do they have a number and a label?
- Have you referred t he reader to them in the text ?
- Have you commented on t he data in the text ?
- Are all t he pages full pages?
5.2 Appendices
Material which may be useful to the reader but isn’ t required in t he t ext itself even though t he
text makes mention of this material, is usually placed in a separate appendix at the end of the
thesis after t he list of references. The reason might be that t he level of detail, for example in
statistics, is too great and consequently the progress of the main information in the t hesis would
suffer.
Appendices are numbered and labelled in the same way as tables and figures. The number and
label are placed at the beginning of the appendix, which must also be referred t o from the t ext.
For example (See Appendix 4)

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5.3 Models for tables, figures, appendices
Smoking Boys Girls Total
Smoking 4 (7%
) 22 (37%
) 26 (43%
)
Non-Smoking 26 (43%
) 8 (13%
) 34 (57%
)
Total 30 (50%
) 30 (50%
) 60 (100%
)
Table 3: Smoking among boys and girls (n = 60). Source: WHO
0
5
10
15
20
25
30
35
40
Smoking Non-Smoking
Boys
Girls
Total
Figure 4: Smoking among boys and girls
Appendix 4. Questionnaire distribut ed to customers of Company X
1. Are you male or female?
2. How long have you been a regular customer of Company X?
3. Are you satisfied with t he level of service you have received from Company X?
-
-
-
58. Do you have any other comments about Company X’ s level of service?
Thank you for your time and trouble.

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5.4 Jargon
We already discussed in section 3.5 how t he narrative viewpoint forces you to adapt the style of
your text mat erial when you are relying on sources for information. For t he same reason, you
need to avoid blindly transferring j argon (professional slang) into your t hesis. Such a style can be
suitable in working life and in marketing textbooks for American high-school students, but in your
thesis you need to identify the real message behind t he j argon and present it in a way that suits
the needs of your t hesis, and using an academic style of language. Keep in mind that your thesis
should be aimed at a general educated reader, not at an expert in this field. Below are some
examples where t he j argon is hopelessly out of place.
Example 1:
David E. Rye divides people int o 4 different t ypes:
1 Power players are independent and want t hings t o done t heir own way. How t o
mot ivat e? Of fer t hem challenges t hat include t hings t hey like t o do. Offer t hem rewards
and bonuses for good work. Avoid t alking about t heir t echnical failures. Appeal t o t heir
desire t o be highly product ive.
2 Team players like t o do nice t hings for ot hers and t hey act ively look at opport unit ies t o
give up somet hing in order t o bring happiness t o ot hers. How t o mot ivat e? Reward t eam
players as t hey like t o cover t heir walls wit h award plaques. Limit t he risk level of
what ever assignment you delegat e t o t hem.
3 Diplomatic players will do anyt hing t o avoid confront at ion. ......
4 Party players consider lif e t o be one big part y at which t hey are t he cent res of
at t ract ion....

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Example 2:
The company has t o evaluat e all pot ent ial cust omers in t he market , and aft erwards divide t hem
int o dif ferent cat egories as shown in Figure 13
According t o Kot ler (2000, 50), Suspect s might buy t he product . Prospect s have a st rong pot ent ial
t o become cust omers. Disqualified prospect s will be rej ect ed because of t he poor credit , or
because t hey are unprof it able. Qualified prospect s: t he company would like t o have as sat isfied
first -t ime cust omers. Repeat cust omers are qualified prospect s, which are sat isf ied wit h t he
product and will buy again. If t he company t reat s it s repeat cust omers well, t hey might become
client s. Aft er gaining t he client s, t he company can st art a membership programme t o t urn t he
client s int o members. If a member finds t o be t reat ed well, it might t urn int o advocat es, which
recommends t he product t o ot hers.
Example 3:
There are five faces t o t he Chinese consumer in t oday’ s sophist icat ed market place, and
manufact ures are overlooking unt apped pot ent ial in t he middle and high-priced sect ors because
t hey are wrest ling among each ot her in t he low-end market . Chinese consumers have 5 faces.
Each of t hese five groups of people demonst rat es dif f erent shopping at t it udes and has different
price expect at ions for new purchases. Eager t o t ry new t hings, Advent urers will want t o spend
money on new t echnologies or new gadget s. Worker Bees st rongly believe in qualit y and will be
willing t o pay for high qualit y brands. Value-hunt ers, on t he ot her hand, seek best bargains and
are willing t o wait t o achieve t he best value for money. Herds are people who are vulnerable t o
influence of advert isement , while Laggards are brand-conscious.
Exercise 1: Look again at either example 2 or 3 on this page, and rewrite the text using a formal and
impersonal style of language without jargon.

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5.5 Data commentary
5.5.1 What is meant by data commentary?
Data commentary refers to the process of reporting (in text form) numerical results and statistics,
for example in t he empirical section of a thesis or with reference to a table.
When reporting statistics and commenting on data, your task is to highlight what is essential and
to show the message underlying the data. This is not achieved by simply copying out a mass of
statistics, or a bullet ed list. Inst ead, it should be seen as an opportunity for you to demonstrat e
your int elligence and powers of summary and analysis.
In particular, you can demonstrate that :
- you can spot t rends or regularities in the data
- you can separate more important findings from less important ones
- the claims that you make based on the data are made in language of an appropriate
strengt h
This means t hat you should not:
- simply repeat all the details in words
- attempt to cover all the information
- claim more than is reasonable or defensible
Here is an example of data commentary being handled extremely weakly:
In response t o quest ion 9 about how oft en consumers visit t he shopping cent re, 4.5%said almost
daily, 17.2%t wo or t hree t imes a week, 69.5%about once a week, 8.0%less t han once a mont h,
and 0.8%never. Quest ion 10 inquired how sat isfied t hey were wit h t he level of cust omer service
t hey received, and t he result was t hat 7.4%were ext remely sat isfied, 29%were sat isfied, 42%
were neit her sat isfied nor dissat isf ied, 10.5%were somewhat dissat isf ied and 11%were
ext remely dissat isfied wit h t he level of cust omer service t hey received. In response t o quest ion
11, …
…

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5.5.2 Example of a data-commentary text
Special Report on American Values (from the Economist magazine)
Last month, the Pew research centre published the biggest single opinion poll so far taken of national attitudes
in 44 countries. In general, the findings bear out t he view that more factors seem to unite America and its allies
than divide them.
In 2002, 61%of Germans, 63%of the French and 75%of Britons said they had a favourable view of the Unit ed
States. Maj orities of t he populations liked America in 32 of the 45 countries where t his question was asked (it
was banned in China).
It is true that America’ s image has slipped a bit. The pro-American share of the population has fallen since 2000
by between 4 and 17 percentage points in every west European country except one (France, where opinion was
least favourable to begin with). All t he same, t he reservoir of goodwill remains fairly deep and reports of sharply
rising anti-Americanism in Europe seem to be exaggerated.
This finding is at odds wit h the masses of editorialising about growing hostility between America and t he rest of
the world. But it is consistent wit h another recent survey by the German Marshall Fund. Asked to rat e other
countries on a scale of one to 100, the six European countries rated America at 64 (more t han France), while
Americans gave Europeans between 55 (for France) and 75 (for Britain). Feelings toward Israel diverge sharply: it
is rated at only 38 in Europe, against 55 in America.
The two sides share a number of more specific similarities. The Pew st udy found that between two-t hirds and
four-fifths called Iraq a serious threat . Everyone admires American science, technology and popular culture.
In bot h the Marshall Fund and t he Pew st udies, there were surprisingly few significant differences in public
attitudes towards t he armed forces (around three-quarters think t heir role in their countries is positive), nor was
their much difference in public readiness to use force abroad. The Marshall study found that support for
multilateral institutions like the Unit ed Nations or NATO is every bit as strong in America as Europe. In the Pew
study, maj orities in nearly every count ry said the world would be less safe if there were a rival superpower. This
was true even in Russia.
Strikingly, over 80%of Americans say they want strong international leadership from the European Union, while
over 60%of Europeans say they want the same t hing from America. And when asked whet her differences
between their countries and America were t he result of conflicting values or conflicting policies, most
respondents in west European, Latin American and Muslim countries chose policies.

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Autumn 2013
5.5.3 Strength of Claim
When working with statistics, analysing the results of a questionnaire or drawing conclusions, t he
writer of a thesis needs to j udge carefully how he presents the strength of any claims which are
made. In particular, t he t endency in the popular press and on Internet sites to freely exaggerate
and overstate needs to be carefully avoided.
Examples:
Everybody is buying Nokia’ s new product t his year
A negligible minorit y (37%
) of housewives expressed a different opinion.
An amazing 58%of st udent s were sat isfied wit h t he course.
Exercise 2: Work with a partner to put the following sentence variations in order, starting with the
strongest claim and finishing with the weakest.
Deregulation of t he U.S. banking industry __________________ the recent banking crisis.
contributed to
caused
may have cont ributed to
was probably a maj or cause of
was one of the causes of
might have been a small factor in
Exercise 3: Underline the verb making the weaker claim (Swales & Feak 2001, 88)
1 The results indicate/establish that there is a link bet ween smoking and lung cancer.
2 Table 9 suggests/shows t hat Venezuelan scientists may need help with writing English.
3 The latest series of experiments questions/undermines much previous research.
4 The results given in Figure 4 validate/support t he second hypothesis.
5 The quantities displayed in the table have been assumed/shown to be about 98%
accurat e.
6 The test results create/suggest a basis for product modification.
7 Changes in t emperat ure may have influenced/distorted the test results.
8 In their earlier work, t hey failed/neglected to take t emperature changes into account .
9 As can be seen from Table 3, the new tax laws have encouraged/stimulated industrial
investment.
10 Figure 12 depicts/clarifies the genetic relationship.

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
Exercise 4: The following paragraphs are three different attempts to summarise and highlight the
information contained in one table (not shown here). Discuss with a partner the differences
between these three, and say which of them appears most successful and why.
(Swales & Feak 2001, 91)
Text A
Table 10 shows the percentage of adolescents reporting parental rest rictions on their lives. As can
be seen, about one fourth of female adolescents reported parental rest rictions on average across
the six different categories given. Restrictions were most common on going out at night (51%
) and
fewest on expenditure of self-earned money (12%
). In contrast, 40%of the males reported
restrictions on average across the six different categories given. Restrictions were most frequent
for curfews (61%
) and fewest for choice of friends.
Text B
be seen, boys tended to be more restrict ed t han girls. Over t he six categories which were given,
boys reported an average of 40%restrictions but girls only 25%
. In fact , boys were more restricted
in five of the six categories given, t he only exception being going out at night . In this category,
56%of girls reported restrictions, but only 35%of the boys did so.
Text C
be seen, overall boys tended to be more restricted by their parents t han girls. However the real
difference lies in the rank order of t he restrictions. The top t hree categories for boys were
curfew, choice of post-secondary education, and use of the family car; for girls, going out at
night, curfew and choice of friends. Although choice of friends occupied third place for girls, it
was report ed least by male adolescents.

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
Exercise 5: The following table compares regular exams with resit exams. Imagine that you are a teaching
assistant at Laurea, and your senior lecturer has asked you to prepare an opinion about why
the results of the resit exam differ so much from those of the regular exam. Based on the
information in the table, write a paragraph of text for the senior lecturer. (Exams are usually
held in the evenings to avoid clashing with other classes.)
(from Swales & Feak, p. 98)
Regular exam Resit exam
Average score (max. 100) 86 72
Time of exam Wednesday, 7.00
p.m.
Friday, 4.00 p.m.
Difficulty of exam questions average Average
Number of students 135 15
Invigilator Senior lect urer Teaching assistant
Exam question examples in class practised Not practised
Room temperat ure 20°C 26°C
Table 13: A comparison of the regular and resit exam.
Exercise 6: What words could you add to the following sentence to reduce or qualify the strength of the
claim?
The use of seat belts prevents physical inj uries in car accidents.

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
5.5.4 Table, wit h two examples of data commentary
1998 2008
Food 24 26
Alcohol 7 14
Clothing 9 8
Accommodation 12 11
Holidays 7 13
Table 1: Expendit ure on it ems in British households, as a percentage of total household income
Here are two versions of commentary on the data present ed in this table
a) According to the table, the average British household spends 26%of its income on food, 14%on
alcohol (up from 7%a decade ago), 8%on clothing and 11%on accommodation, while 13%
(compared wit h 7%a decade ago) was spent on holidays.
b) According to the table, the average British household continues to spend a quart er of its income
on food, with notably less being spent on alcohol, clothing, accommodation and holidays. While
no significant change has t aken place for the other it ems, expenditure on alcohol and holidays has
approximately doubled over the decade.
Exercise 7: Which of the above versions is better and why?

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
Appendices
1. Linking words (connect ors)
2. Preposit ion exercise
3. 4 paragraphs for correct ing
4. Int roduct ion f or correct ing

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
Appendix 1: Link words (connectors)
1 Addition
And
Also
Too
...as well (placed at the end of a sentence)
furthermore
in addition
moreover
again
including
2 Exclusion or option
Or
Nor
Neither ... nor
Either ... or
Alternatively
Instead
Rather than
Excluding
No matter how
In any case
At any rat e
Apart from t his
3 Contrast
But
However
On the other hand
In cont rast / on the cont rary / conversely
Vice versa
Yet
Although
In spite of / despite
Compared wit h / in comparison with
Nonetheless
Irrespective of / notwithstanding
In other respects
On the one hand ... on t he other hand
4 Emphasis
In fact
As a matter of fact
Virtually
Indeed
In particular / particularly
Basically
Essentially
Fundamentally
Primarily
Mainly
Principally
At least

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
Bearing in mind
Above all
5 Explanation
Which means ...
That is / i.e. / in other words
Namely / viz.
Such as (avoid using “ like” )
Equally
Similarly
In the same way
Likewise
Incidentally
Herewith
To be more precise
6 Illustration or Example
For example / for instance / e.g.
Thus
As an illustration/ example of
This is shown/ demonstrat ed by
A case in point
7 Cause, Reason, Effect, Conclusion
So that / in order t hat
Because
Since
As
As a result
Thus
Hence / t herefore
Accordingly
For this reason
Which is why ...
Due to
Owing to
As long as
As far as
Subsequent ly / consequent ly
By means of
On the basis of
8 Condition, Restriction
If
Unless
Provided that
Providing
Supposing t hat
Otherwise
In case
In this respect/ regard

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
9 Order
First
Next
Then
Firstly, secondly, thirdly
Finally
Event ually
In the first place
To begin wit h
In conclusion
10 Time
When
Before
After
While
Subsequent ly
Meanwhile
Afterwards
In the long run
In due course
Originally
At present
For the time being
Immediately
Simultaneously
Now that
Since
Previously
At once
Until
From now on
11 Summary
To sum up / In conclusion/ To conclude
In short/ briefly
In general/ Generally speaking
On the whole

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
Appendix 2: Preposition exercise
Exercise 1: Complete the following definitions by adding a suitable preposition.
1 A thermomet er is an instrument _____ which t emperature can be measured.
2 A thermomet er is an instrument _____ measuring t emperat ure.
3 A credit bureau is an organisation _____ which businesses can apply for financial
information on potential customers.
4 A memo is a communication ______ which the salutat ion and complementary close have
been removed.
5 A negotiation is an event _____ which one party manoeuvres for advantage over the ot her
party.
6 The eart h’ s axis is an imaginary line _____ which t he earth is said to rotate.
7 A search engine is a computer programme _____ which information can be found.
8 A thesaurus is a dictionary of synonyms __________ which you can improve t he style of
the t ext you are writing.
Exercise 2 : Preposition exercise for tables
1 As can be seen _____________ figure 4, earnings have decreased.
2 As shown _____________ figure 2, the new company outperformed t he original one.
3 As described _____________ the previous page, mat erials costs have risen.
4 As stated _____________ Appendix B, part ners were warned of the risks involved.
5 As was explained _____________ the previous section of this thesis, CRM cannot be
ignored.
6 As can be seen _____________ a comparison of tables 4 and 5, household income is a
more reliable indicator of willingness to purchase than education.
7 As is often the case _____________ materials _____________ this type, availability can be
a problem.
8 As has been demonst rated _____________ earlier research, this process has clear
advantages _____________ all earlier processes.

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
Appendix 3: 4 paragraphs for correcting
Work together in pairs to try and improve t he following excerpts from recent theses. Concent rate on non-
academic vocabulary, grammatical mistakes, and poor sentence structure and style.
1. It should be remembered that it is not very expensive to carry out direct post ing. Also, the tactic was clear
from the beginning : first t hey would realise quite massive posting and after t hat contact the companies whet her
they were interest ed. During April 2003 Yhtiö mails a general brochure to all the companies in the register. The
brochure int roduces Yhtiö as well as its products and services, and is followed by a follow-up call after couple of
days of the mailing. Purpose of the brochure is to increase awareness and introduce Yhtiö as a potential choice.
By the follow-up call, Yhtiö aims to clarify what kind of a receiving the brochure gets and which companies are
interested to its offerings. Yhtiö doesn’ t plan to make any marks in its register on the basis of these calls, but
Pekka int ends to remember interested companies on the basis of his memory. Although Yhtiö is aware, that a
website by itself won’ t probably bring any new company customers, it believes t hat it still is an important
addition to other marketing efforts and that companies which find Yhtiö from t he Int ernet might get interested.
2. Yhtiö has handled more than well the everyday photographing. They have been quite brave competing with
big school photographing companies, using their professionalism as a competitive advantage. The professional
touch in Yhtiö’ s photographs has clearly gotten a good reputation. In our opinion the current client ele is ideal. If
Yhtiö would grasp more elementary schools as their customers, it would cause problems. Usually companies that
are doing school photographing have a backup organisation, but in Yhtiö the business is handled aside t he normal
work.
3. The change (to a new marketing concept) had seemed to succeed in making the concept understandable as
the mean value for responses was 3,90 which is fairly high. In t his question respondents were of differing opinion
but t here were not any totally disagreeing opinions. Respondents were clearly of agreeing opinion, but the
amount of neut ral responses (20,5) showed t hat there was people who had not formed a clear opinion on the
matter. There was also 4 partly disagreeing answers which were 3 from product ion staff and one from sales
office. The fairly big amount of neutral answers from all respondents could be interpreted that t here is no
special reason to give critics or positive feedback.
4. Many stages in Yhtiö’ s production is made by hand, therefore all of the personnel are taking part of
production, also the managing director, in addition t o handling t he office routines and ot her non-productive
activities. Managing direct or is the only one who could take care of running the business. In the other hand, the
production manager is the only one who have knowledge of textile fibres and he is the only one what can solve
difficult problems. Practical skills are highly valued at company, but lack of theoretical knowledge may affect on
long-t erm development. Although personnel are skilled, it still lacks on experience. Managing director Juha
Mäkinen believes t hat Yhtiö’ s business is considered positive by general public.

Laurea Leppävaara
Autumn 2013
Appendix 4: Introduction for correcting
Here is the introduction from one thesis. The English is good, but a lot of polishing still needs to be done before
it is in a good academic and written style. Rewrite it .
“ Its popularity is growing fast and every manager has to understand it. But will it fit to your company?” This is
how an article about Customer Relationship Management starts in Harvard Management Update magazine
(4/ 2000). The first sent ence describes clearly the main idea behind t his thesis also. I will study how the newest
marketing management trend, Customer Relationship Management, was first developed and how it will fit
Nordea Bank Finland’ s business policy in its key account management .
There has always been a great deal of business trends going on in the market place.
When looking back a couple of decades we can easily see the trends changing from re-engineering to top quality
management (TQM). In the year 2002, the management trend is called Customer Relationship Management
(CRM). Despite the massive advertising of CRM it is safe to say that this really differs from previous marketing
strategies. CRM is truly about managing the customer relationship and focusing on customer needs; companies
are concentrating on customer relationship processes from a life cycle point of view rather t han on ( ) individual
customer encounter.
Finnish Banks had t heir best year ever last year (2000) (Baer 2001). Even t hat was not enough as banks want to
grow and be able to offer more exciting services. The obj ective of the financial service providers has become to
be t he “ full service financial department store” . In t his change it seems odd t hat in order to achieve t heir goal
the banks have start ed to close down their branches and to diminish their services that require personal input
from the bank’ s staff. What this means in practise, is the t rend is moving from face-to-face service fast forward
towards electronic banking and so customers are doing their banking via automatic teller machines (ATMs), ( )
Internet and telephone. For businesses this clearly means decreasing their fixed costs and ( ) ability to invest in
technology in order to offer the state of the art financial services for t heir clients.

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