Crucial Conversations In Social Media
The truth you should know about the art of conversation today
Kelsey Ruger
Got Social Media 2008
Friday, January 22, 2010

I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're
afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come
here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's
going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to
show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show
them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without
borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go
from there is a choice I leave to you
Neo - The Matrix
Friday, January 22, 2010

How Does The Matrix
fit with Social Media?
Friday, January 22, 2010

The Matrix offers an excellent allegory for our highly
COMMERCIALIZED, MEDIA DRIVEN society.
Industrialization Standardization Depersonalization
Today’s business world isn’t that different than the world of
STRUCTURE and CONTROL created by the machines in the Matrix.
Friday, January 22, 2010

Social Media offers a great OPPORTUNITY for businesses to
reconnect with people.
if they realize that business today is not necessarily
REPRESENTATIVE of REAL WORLD desires.
Friday, January 22, 2010

Markets are conversations.
The Cluetrain Manifesto
Friday, January 22, 2010

e
oes th
What d on
on versati
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rea lly mea
n? Markets are conversations.
The Cluetrain Manifesto
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W hy a
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Friday, January 22, 2010

Your company can have
Engaging Conversations
with employees and clients
Friday, January 22, 2010

you must understand the FOUR ways
communicating with MARKETS has CHANGED
Friday, January 22, 2010

MARKET IDEA No 1
Technology has given us power. The time of the the passive masses has passed.
Friday, January 22, 2010

MARKET IDEA No 2
We live in an attention economy. Lots of people are talking
but not everyone is actively listening.
Friday, January 22, 2010

MARKET IDEA No 3
New ways of communicating inside and
outside organizations don’t exactly mesh
with the ‘corporate norm’
Friday, January 22, 2010

MARKET IDEA No 4
We don’t want to be ‘talked at’ but rather ‘talked to’
Friday, January 22, 2010

Why
Conversation
and Social Media?
Friday, January 22, 2010

Conversation is a FUNDAMENTAL
part of being HUMAN.
For centuries COMMERCE was
largely based on conversation
and the INTERACTION
BETWEEN PEOPLE.
Friday, January 22, 2010

‘‘
‘‘
The human condition changes, yet never
changes. The fears, hopes and desires of a
Babylonian 5,000 years ago probably closely
matches our own fears, hopes and desires.
Friday, January 22, 2010

Because companies have not evolved...
commerce has been effectively divorced from
people
the
on whom it depends
Friday, January 22, 2010

Social media tools don’t make the CONVERSATION they support it.
By understanding how social media support the HUMAN DESIRE
for CONVERSATION businesses can open up vibrant INTERACTIONS
with INDIVIDUALS and COMMUNITIES.
Friday, January 22, 2010

The Matrix was about the struggle between man and machine
but it parallels some of the struggles that are emerging
between many businesses and consumers.
Friday, January 22, 2010

What is a
Conversation?
Friday, January 22, 2010

What is a
Crucial Conversation?
Friday, January 22, 2010

When a crucial conversation occurs you have THREE choices ...
Friday, January 22, 2010

avoid the
conversation, and
suffer the
consequences.
Friday, January 22, 2010

handle the conversation poorly
and suffer the consequences
Friday, January 22, 2010

discover how to communicate
best when it matters most.
Friday, January 22, 2010

Why are
Crucial Conversations
so important?
Friday, January 22, 2010

We benefit from more ACCURATE and RELEVANT information
Make BETTER CHOICES, and are more
WILLING TO ACT on whatever decision
they all make.
Friday, January 22, 2010

The nature of conversation and verbal exchange is
surprisingly ENDURING even across culture and time...
Friday, January 22, 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

So are there real RIGHTS and
WRONGS in conversation?
Cicero thought so...
Friday, January 22, 2010

Cicero wrote the essay “On Duties” in 44BC. In it he set forth the
following rules, which all could still apply today and even to the
latest form of blogging “conversations”...
1. Speak clearly
2. Speak easily, but not too much, give others their turn
3. Do not interrupt
4. Be courteous
5. Deal seriously with serious matters, gracefully with lighter ones
6. Never criticize people behind their backs
7. Stick to subjects of general interests
8. Do not talk about yourself
9. Never lose your temper
Friday, January 22, 2010

Why Do We
Suck At Crucial Conversations?
Friday, January 22, 2010

Do you work in a
Command and Control
Environment?
Conversations are where INTELLECTUAL
CAPITAL gets generated, but conversations
flourish only in an atmosphere of FREE and
OPEN exchange.
Friday, January 22, 2010

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If you can't GET YOURSELF RIGHT you'll have a
Do
dem peopl
and e hard time getting conversations right.
inst resp
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e
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Ca pare hout pract
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g
b ein
Friday, January 22, 2010

We live is a CULTURE OF CONFLICT where winning is everything.
Friday, January 22, 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

Most people when in an argument don't have a goal of
LISTENING, instead we use every possible tactic to win. The
ARGUMENT CULTURE urges us to approach the world and the
people in it with an adversarial frame of mind.
Friday, January 22, 2010

Most people when in an argument don't have a goal of
LISTENING, instead we use every possible tactic to win. The
ARGUMENT CULTURE urges us to approach the world and the
people in it with an adversarial frame of mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPuGuaZTx8
Friday, January 22, 2010

The Forgotten Art of Dialog
The key to successful conversation is being open and honest
in expressing opinions, feelings, and theories, and having a
willingness to share views even when the ideas in question
are controversial or unpopular.
Friday, January 22, 2010

Critique and Criticism are not the same thing.
critique in this sense is not a general term for analysis or critical
review but rather a synonym for criticism.
Friday, January 22, 2010

3
Practices to
Start Your
Conversations
Friday, January 22, 2010

PRACTICE 1:
Get to know who you are talking to.
Friday, January 22, 2010

PRACTICE 2:
Listening
is more important
than
talking
Friday, January 22, 2010

PRACTICE 3:
If you’re going to
be talking - have
something important
to say.
Friday, January 22, 2010

There are SIX stories you need to master ...
Friday, January 22, 2010

I just met you
Who Are You
anyway?
The first question people ask themselves the minute
they realize you want to influence them is "who is this
person". A story helps them see what you want them to
see about you. If you demonstrate who you are, rather
than tell me who you are, it is much more believable. A
story lets you demonstrate who you are.
“Why Am I” story - The Story Factor
Friday, January 22, 2010

What does this person
Want From Me?
Before you let someone know what's in it for them, they
want to know what's in it for you. It's a big mistake to try to
hide selfish goals. This type of story usually reveals enough
for people to make a distinction between healthy
ambition and dishonest exploitation. If your goals are
selfish, people don't mind as long as you are up-front
about it, there is something in it for them, and you frame
your goals in a way that makes sense to them.
“Why Are I Here” story - The Story Factor
Friday, January 22, 2010

OK, so
What’s in it for Me?
If your listeners are comfortable with who your are and why you
are here, then they are ready to listen to what you think is in it for
them. You have to take the time to find a story of your vision that
that connects with people clearly.
“Vision” story - The Story Factor
Friday, January 22, 2010

OK, so
What Do You Stand For?
Without a doubt the best way tell people your values in by
demonstration. The second best way is by telling a story.
Story lets you instill values in a want that keeps people
thinking for themselves.
“Values in Action” story - The Story Factor
Friday, January 22, 2010

How Did You
Know What I Was Thinking?
When you tell a story that makes people wonder if you are
reading their minds, they love it. It isn’t hard to do. If you have
done your homework on the group you wish to influence it’s
easy to identify their objections.
“I Know What You Are Thinking” story - The Story
Friday, January 22, 2010

What Are My
Next Steps?
1. Listen, Look and Learn.
2. Start Having Real Conversations.
Friday, January 22, 2010

Kelsey Ruger
http://www.themoleskin.com
Friday, January 22, 2010