Crucial Conversations In Social Media
The truth you should know about the art of conversation today
Kelsey Ruger // Pop Labs
Got Social Media 2008

I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're
afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come
here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's
going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to
show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show
them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without
borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go
from there is a choice I leave to you
Neo - The Matrix

How Does The Matrix
fit with Social Media?

The Matrix offers an excellent allegory for our highly
COMMERCIALIZED, MEDIA DRIVEN society.
Industrialization Standardization Depersonalization
Today’s business world isn’t that different than the world of
STRUCTURE and CONTROL created by the machines in the Matrix.

Social Media offers a great OPPORTUNITY for businesses to
reconnect with people.
if they realize that business today is not necessarily
REPRESENTATIVE of REAL WORLD desires.

Markets are conversations.
The Cluetrain Manifesto

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The Cluetrain Manifesto
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Your company can have
Engaging Conversations
with employees and clients

you must understand the FOUR ways
communicating with MARKETS has CHANGED

MARKET IDEA No 1
Technology has given us power. The time of the the passive masses has passed.

MARKET IDEA No 2
We live in an attention economy. Lots of people are talking
but not everyone is actively listening.

MARKET IDEA No 3
New ways of communicating inside and
outside organizations don’t exactly mesh
with the ‘corporate norm’

MARKET IDEA No 4
We don’t want to be ‘talked at’ but rather ‘talked to’

Why
Conversation
and Social Media?

Conversation is a FUNDAMENTAL
part of being HUMAN.
For centuries COMMERCE was
largely based on conversation
and the INTERACTION
BETWEEN PEOPLE.

‘‘
‘‘
The human condition changes, yet never
changes. The fears, hopes and desires of a
Babylonian 5,000 years ago probably closely
matches our own fears, hopes and desires.

Because companies have not evolved...
commerce
has been effectively divorced from
people
the
on whom it depends

Social media tools don’t make the CONVERSATION they support it.
By understanding how social media support the HUMAN DESIRE
for CONVERSATION businesses can open up vibrant INTERACTIONS
with INDIVIDUALS and COMMUNITIES.

The Matrix was about the struggle between man and machine
but it parallels some of the struggles that are emerging
between many businesses and consumers.

What is a
Conversation?

What is a
Crucial Conversation?

When a crucial conversation occurs you have THREE choices ...

avoid the
conversation, and
suffer the
consequences.

handle the conversation poorly
and suffer the consequences

discover how to communicate
best when it matters most.

Why are
Crucial Conversations
so important?

We benefit from more ACCURATE and RELEVANT information
Make BETTER CHOICES, and are more
WILLING TO ACT on whatever decision
they all make.

The nature of conversation and verbal exchange is
surprisingly ENDURING even across culture and time...

So are there real RIGHTS and
WRONGS in conversation?
Cicero thought so...

Cicero wrote the essay “On Duties” in 44BC. In it he set forth the
following rules, which all could still apply today and even to the
latest form of blogging “conversations”...
1. Speak clearly
2. Speak easily, but not too much, give others their turn
3. Do not interrupt
4. Be courteous
5. Deal seriously with serious matters, gracefully with lighter ones
6. Never criticize people behind their backs
7. Stick to subjects of general interests
8. Do not talk about yourself
9. Never lose your temper

Why Do We
Suck At Crucial Conversations?

Do you work in a
Command and Control
Environment?
Conversations are where INTELLECTUAL
CAPITAL gets generated, but conversations
flourish only in an atmosphere of FREE and
OPEN exchange.

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If you can't GET YOURSELF RIGHT you'll have a
Do
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and e hard time getting conversations right.
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We live is a CULTURE OF CONFLICT where winning is everything.

Most people when in an argument don't have a goal of
LISTENING, instead we use every possible tactic to win. The
ARGUMENT CULTURE urges us to approach the world and the
people in it with an adversarial frame of mind.

Most people when in an argument don't have a goal of
LISTENING, instead we use every possible tactic to win. The
ARGUMENT CULTURE urges us to approach the world and the
people in it with an adversarial frame of mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPuGuaZTx8

The Forgotten Art of Dialog
The key to successful conversation is being open and honest
in expressing opinions, feelings, and theories, and having a
willingness to share views even when the ideas in question
are controversial or unpopular.

Critique and Criticism are not the same thing.
critique in this sense is not a general term for analysis or critical
review but rather a synonym for criticism.

3
Practices to
Start Your
Conversations

PRACTICE 1:
Get to know who you are talking to.

PRACTICE 2:
Listening
is more important
than
talking

PRACTICE 3:
If you’re going to
be talking - have
something important
to say.

There are SIX stories you need to master ...

I just met you
Who Are You
anyway?
The first question people ask themselves the minute
they realize you want to influence them is \"who is this
person\". A story helps them see what you want them to
see about you. If you demonstrate who you are, rather
than tell me who you are, it is much more believable. A
story lets you demonstrate who you are.
“Why Am I” story - The Story Factor

What does this person
Want From Me?
Before you let someone know what's in it for them, they
want to know what's in it for you. It's a big mistake to try to
hide selfish goals. This type of story usually reveals enough
for people to make a distinction between healthy
ambition and dishonest exploitation. If your goals are
selfish, people don't mind as long as you are up-front
about it, there is something in it for them, and you frame
your goals in a way that makes sense to them.
“Why Are I Here” story - The Story Factor

OK, so
What’s in it for Me?
If your listeners are comfortable with who your are and why you
are here, then they are ready to listen to what you think is in it for
them. You have to take the time to find a story of your vision that
that connects with people clearly.
“Vision” story - The Story Factor

OK, so
What Do You Stand For?
Without a doubt the best way tell people your values in by
demonstration. The second best way is by telling a story.
Story lets you instill values in a want that keeps people
thinking for themselves.
“Values in Action” story - The Story Factor

How Did You
Know What I Was Thinking?
When you tell a story that makes people wonder if you are
reading their minds, they love it. It isn’t hard to do. If you have
done your homework on the group you wish to influence it’s
easy to identify their objections.
“I Know What You Are Thinking” story - The Story

What Are My
Next Steps?
1. Listen, Look and Learn.
2. Start Having Real Conversations.

Kelsey Ruger
http://www.themoleskin.com