This workshops lets people play with the crucial confrontation model as described by the book with that name.

1. Crucial Confrontations

2. Confrontation Acceptance Criteria
given:
a gap, broken promise, or bad behavior
when:
I confront the person
then:
problems are resolved
the relationship benefits
note:
to confront means to hold someone accountable,
face to face

3. PairProgramming Story

4. You work with 4 persons on a project programming gets you better results than
which is behind schedule and over budget. solo programming, and were until today
You were brought in 2 weeks ago by your decided to keep doing it most of the time.
manager as a technical leader, to help with Last week You had a second discussion
the project completion. The quality level with the manager about the very same
of the code is quite low. The requirement subject, without success.
was: “take this legacy system and port it to
Yesterday, your manager had a 1 to 1
this new environment, iso-functional”.
meeting with every one of you. Debriefing
Explanations about what the system is
with the team members today, you learn
expected to do are coming under the form
that he told them as he told you: “stop
of 200 bug reports.
pair programming, or else I will get you off
On day 1, you proposed that all debugging, the team and retrograde you”. Every team
testing and programming be done in pairs. member approves of pair programming,
The team agreed and have been enjoying but is unwilling to take risk with his/her
some (modest) results as of today. position fighting against management.
On day 3, the manager privately asked you
to stop the pair programming stuff, as the
project schedule is already very late. You
tried to convince him that PP was good for
the team, to no avail.
You and the team observed that pair

5. Work on me first: choose what and if
Choose a response group:
“Not my problem”

6. Work on me first: choose what and if
Choose a response group:
“We had it coming. Let’s get
back to work”

7. Work on me first: choose what and if
Choose a response group:
“We have to talk to him”

8. Work on me first: choose what and if
Choose a response group:
“I have to talk to him”

9. Work on me first: choose what and if
Choose a response group:
“Not my problem”
“We had it coming. Let’s get
back to work”
“We have to talk to him”
“I have to talk to him”
What would you do ?
How would you proceed ?

10. Signs that you’re dealing with the
wrong problem
your solution doesn’t get you you want
you’re constantly discussing the same issue
you’re getting increasingly upset
✔ ✔
✔ ✔
✔
✔ ✔

11. Helpful tools to get to the right
confrontation
Content / Pattern / Relationship
Unbundling Consequences and Intentions
Prioritizing

12. Am I acting out my concern ?

13. Is my conscience nagging me ?

14. Am I choosing the certainty of silence
over the risk of speaking up ?

15. Am I telling myself that I’m helpless ?

16. Work on me first: master my story
Form groups
One of you: share an
experience of a gap,
broken promise,
bad behaviour
Others: help her state
her story, investigating
with a curious stance

17. Am I pretending not to notice my role
in the problem?

18. Why would a reasonable, rational,
and decent person do this?

19. What should I do right now to move
toward what I really want?

20. Confront with safety: describe the gap
gather in groups
one of you:
will confront
one other
others: help perfecting
the confrontation

21. Click

22. Click Rewind

23. Perfection Game

24. Describe the gap: games not to play
Sandwiching

25. Describe the gap: games not to play
surprise attack

26. Describe the gap: games not to play
Charades

27. Describe the gap: games not to play
passing the buck

28. Describe the gap: games not to play
read my mind

29. Describe the gap: start with safety
people feel unsafe when
you don’t respect them
you don’t care about their goals
maintain mutual respect
establish mutual purpose

30. Describe the gap: share your path
END WITH
A QUESTION
ACT
FACTS

31. Confront with safety : describe the gap

32. Confront with safety: make it easy and
motivating to solve the gap
gather again in groups
recall situation #3
brainstorm to find what
would be enabling and
motivating for the
person to solve the problem

33. Making it easy and motivating
don’t use power
expose natural consequences
stay in dialogue
don’t misdiagnose motivation and ability
avoid quick advice
explore the 6 sources of influence

34. The 6 sources of influences
MOTIVATE ENABLE
SELF
WEAKNESSES
OTHERS
STRUCTURES

35. Who are we..
Agile Retroflection of the Day:
https://twitter.com/Retroflection
Agile Calendar:
http://www.hanoulle.be/calendar/
My book Who is agile:
http://www.leanpub.com/whoisagile/
I give Free Life Time support*on anything I do
(* My life not yours )
cthibaut@octo.com
Yves@PairCoaching.net Twitter: @TOF_
Twitter: @YvesHanoulle
www.hanoulle.be

37. Resources
Resources
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialconfrontations_book.aspx
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialconversations_book.aspx
http://www.mccarthyshow.com/

38. History
Version 0.5 Internal text Version
Version 1.0 Internal version with pictures
Version 2.0 XPDays Benelux 2011 1, 2 December 2011
Version 2.1 Mini XPDays Benelux 2012 1, 23 April 2012