Condensed slides from a workshop aimed at helping startup co-founders 1) communicate more effectively with each other, 2) establish group norms in the company that support better communication and 3) model better communication with employees.

1. Startup
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Communication
Ed Batista
@ Bloomberg SF
October 7, 2013

2. Photo:SethAnderson
Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
www.edbatista.com
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
Who am I?

3. Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Where are we
1:1 communication
Group norms
You as partners and role models
going?

4. Startups as
human systems
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Complex group dynamics
Communication = survival
Feedback = learning
Relationships matter
Leaders as levers

5. Founder as avatar

6. Founder as avatar
Avatara
The ideal made real
Company made in your image

7. Concepts #1
The headline
Social threat
SCARF model
Relationships
The net
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

8. The headline
Feedback is stressful
So criticize with skill
& give more (heartfelt) praise
Photo by Garry Knight [link]

9. Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?

10. Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat

11. Threat response
Photo by William Warby [link]

12. Threat response
aka “Fight or flight”
Physiological signs?
Emotional signs?
Photo by William Warby [link]

13. Threat response
Cognitive impairment…
Decision-making
Problem-solving
Collaboration
Photo by William Warby [link]

14. Social threat
Photo by David Sim [link]

15. Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Social threat

16. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF model
David Rock
What social situations
trigger a threat
response?
Read
More

17. SCARF model
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Read
More

18. Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
SCARF model
& feedbackThreat to…
Status?
Certainty?
Autonomy?
Relatedness?
Fairness?

19. Use the model
When giving feedback…
Be mindful of status
Minimize uncertainty
Maximize autonomy
Build the relationship*
Play fair*

20. Use the model
When getting feedback…
Recognize our threat response
Manage our emotions (Norms help*)

21. Photo by Harsha KR [link]
Relationships
John Gottman
What characterizes successful relationships?
Read
More

22. Relationships
Feeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Mutual influence
Responding to “bids”

23. 5:1 positive to negative
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships
& conflict

24. Founder as avatar
Think about your partner
How’s your emotional bank account?
What are you doing to build the relationship?

25. Fairness
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

26. The net
David Bradford
How can we avoid triggering defensiveness?
Read
More
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

27. My behavior…
Actions
Statements
Non-Verbals
Needs
Motives
Intentions
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
The net
Me and my… You and your…
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

28. The net
Stay on our side of the net
Focus on observed behavior
Disclose our response
Don’t guess at motives
Minimize social threat
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

29. Founder as avatar
Think about your partner
When do you cross their net?
When do they cross yours?

30. Concepts #2
Emotional intelligence & groups
Talking about feelings
Group norms
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

31. EQ and groups
Why care?
Effective teams
Participation, cooperation, collaboration
Can’t mandate behavior
Read
More
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

32. EQ and groups
Essential conditions…
Mutual trust
Group identity (feeling of belonging)
Group efficacy (belief in value of the team)
Strongly affected by group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

33. EQ and groups
Individual EQ
Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

34. EQ and groups
High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Create awareness of emotion
Help regulate emotion
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

35. Founder as avatar
Your behavior = company norms
How aware are you of your emotions?
How well do you regulate your emotions?

36. Talking about
Affect labeling
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion
feelings
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
Read
More

37. Talking about
Photo by Andrew Yee [link]
Group norms
Norms define what’s normative
Can we talk about feelings here?
Overcome embarrassment/shame
feelings

38. Our norms
Photo by jm3 [link]

39. Our norms
Photo by jm3 [link]
Consider company norms
Create awareness of emotions
Help regulate emotions
Read
More

40. We never… We always…
1. Spend time getting to know
others personally.
Norms that create
awareness

41. We never… We always…
2. Regularly ask how others are doing.
Norms that create
awareness

42. We never… We always…
3. Share thoughts and emotions
with others in the moment.
Norms that create
awareness

43. We never… We always…
4. Ask others who have been quiet
in a discussion what they think.
Norms that create
awareness

44. We never… We always…
5. Fully explore others’ resistance
to our decisions.
Norms that create
awareness

45. We never… We always…
6. Set aside time to discuss and evaluate
our own effectiveness.
Norms that create
awareness

46. We never… We always…
7. Acknowledge and discuss the feeling
in the group in the moment.
Norms that create
awareness

47. We never… We always…
1. Have clear ground rules for productive
behavior in meetings.
Norms that help
regulate

48. We never… We always…
2. Call out behavior that violates
those ground rules.
Norms that help
regulate

49. We never… We always…
3. Express acceptance of
others’ emotions.
Norms that help
regulate

50. We never… We always…
4. Make time to discuss difficulties within the team
and the emotions they generate.
Norms that help
regulate

51. We never… We always…
5. Use playfulness to acknowledge
and relieve stress.
Norms that help
regulate

52. We never… We always…
6. Express optimism about
the team’s capabilities.
Norms that help
regulate

53. We never… We always…
7. Provide others with positive
feedback in the moment.
Norms that help
regulate

54. Our norms
What norms do you have?
What norms do you need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]

55. Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Concepts #3
Positive feedback
Mindset
Soft start

56. Photo by Aaron Matthews [link]
Positive feedback
A paradox
So important
So often ineffective
What’s wrong?

57. Positive feedback
We may not trust it
We may even resent it
We often praise the wrong things
Read
More

58. Positive feedback
Don’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start*

59. Positive feedback
Don’t praise to overcome resistance
Use other influence tactics

60. Positive feedback
Don’t praise ability
Praise effort and persistence

61. Carol Dweck
How do we feel about our abilities?
How do we feel about our mistakes?
Mindset
Photo by Tuomas Puikkonen [link]
Read
More

62. Talent & intelligence
are inherent traits
Mistakes are failures or
character flaws
Negative emotional
response to mistakes
Talent & intelligence
can be developed
Mistakes are learning
opportunities
Pay close attention to
mistakes & learn
more
Fixed Growth
Mindset
Read
More

63. Soft start
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this

64. Soft start
Photo by OakleyOriginals [link]
Like this

65. Soft start
Begin with positive intent
(But no bullshit)
Emphasize mutual goals
Be aware of our own stress
Read
More

66. 1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

67. 1:1 feedback
When getting feedback…
Observe your threat response
Do you want to ask for specific feedback?
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

68. 1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
When giving feedback…
Positive feedback encouraged
When criticizing, stay on your side of the net
One option: When you do [X], I feel [Y].

69. Closing
Photo by Brett Casadonte [link]