Making Feedback Less Stressful (HBR Webinar, February 2015)

1. Making Feedback Ed Batista, February 26, 2015 Less Stressful Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

2. Photo:SethAnderson Who am I? Executive coach Instructor @ Stanford GSB Write @ HBR.org & edbatista.com HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees

3. Photo:SethAnderson Why feedback matters to me Touchy Feely Changed my view of myself Impact on my clients & students

4. Photo:SethAnderson Why I believe it matters to you Soft skills are hard Leadership is evolving Feedback = The most efficient way to improve Read More

5. Agenda The headline Emotion Social threat Feedback-rich culture Questions Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]

6. The headline Feedback is stressful So critique with skill… Express more appreciation… & build it into your culture Photo by Garry Knight [link] Read More

7. The simplest Photo by Ed Yourdon [link] feedback model

8. The simplest When you do [X], I feel [Y]. feedback model

9. The simplest When you do [X], I feel [Y]. 1st key: Specify behavior [X] Clarifies what we’re talking about feedback model

10. The simplest When you do [X], I feel [Y]. 2nd key: Specify emotion [Y] Creates interest & influences future behavior feedback model

11. The simplest When you do [X], I feel [Y]. feedback model

12. Emotion Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link] Read More

13. Emotion Antonio Damasio, USC What purpose do emotions serve? What role do they play in reasoning? Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

14. Emotion Emotions evolved to support survival Uncontrolled emotion & bias can lead us astray* But emotion is integral to reasoning Essential for efficient decision-making Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link] Read More

15. Emotion Victor Johnston, New Mexico State “Discriminant hedonic amplifiers” Boost signals in our mental landscape Emotions = Attention magnets Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link] Read More

16. Emotion Joseph LeDoux, NYU “A quick and dirty signal” Neural pathways 2x But speed has a price Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link] Read More

17. Emotion Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

18. Emotion Rapid triggering Reflexive responses Sensing ≠ Comprehension Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

19. Emotion Display rules “Don’t be so emotional.” Disclosing feelings  Vulnerable Emotion management is key Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

20. Emotion Photo by Tania Cataldo [link] management

21. Emotion Not “suppression” Reframing Self-soothing Talking about feelings management

22. Reframing Photo by Rodrigo Baptista [link]

23. Reframing “Cognitive reappraisal” James Gross & Rebecca Ray, Stanford Kevin Ochsner, Columbia How do our thoughts influence our experience?

24. Reframing The meanings we assign  Emotional response Re-interpret a situation  Manage our emotions Read More

25. Self-soothing Photo by Amanda Patsopoulou [link]

26. Self-soothing “Physiological modification” Active steps to change our emotional state

27. Self-soothing “Response modification” Active choice in how we express emotion

28. Self-soothing Deeper, slower breaths Speak more slowly & monitor tone Sense our non-verbals & body language Shift focus of our attention

29. Talking about Photo by Ed Yourdon [link] feelings

30. Talking about feelings “Affect labeling” Amygdala Talking disrupts negative emotion Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion Photo by Ed Yourdon [link] Read More

31. Stress & learning Photo by Sara V. [link]

32. Stress & learning Yerkes-Dodson Law (Harvard, 1908) Arousal improves performance up to a point Some stress increases learning Too much stress stifles learning Photo by Sara V. [link]

33. Stress & learning Stress Learning

34. Stress & learning Hans Selye, Université de Montréal Eustress & Distress Read More

35. Stress & learning Stress Learning Eustress Distress

36. Stress & learning Judy Willis Teachers limit stress  Students learn more Read More

37. Stress & learning Stress Learning Eustress Distress Critical to avoid the tipping point

38. Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link] To review

39. To review Emotion Integral to reasoning Attracts attention Exerts influence A critical element in feedback

40. To review Emotion also… Fast-moving & hard to control Distress stifles learning Management practices are key

41. Who cares? Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link]

42. 6 of the scariest words in the English language

43. Can I give you Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link] some feedback?

44. Why is feedback Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link] so stressful?

45. Feedback and Photo by Mykl Roventine [link] social threat

46. Photo by State Farm [link] Threat response

47. Threat response “Fight, flight or freeze” Photo by State Farm [link]

48. Threat response Physiological Adrenaline & cortisol Heart rate, blood pressure, respiration Optimized for strength & speed Photo by State Farm [link]

49. Threat response Emotional Anger & aggression Fear & anxiety Primed for snap judgments Photo by State Farm [link]

50. Threat response Cognitive Negativity bias Impairment & diminished capacity Decision-making, problem-solving, collaboration Photo by State Farm [link]

51. Social threat Photo by David Sim [link]

52. Social threat Some social situations ≈ Physical threats Identical responses Physiological Emotional Cognitive Photo by David Sim [link]

53. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link] SCARF model

54. SCARF model David Rock, NeuroLeadership Institute What social situations trigger a threat response? Read More

55. SCARF model Status Photo by the National Guard [link]

56. SCARF model Status Certainty Photo by Amy Ashcraft [link]

57. SCARF model Status Certainty Autonomy Photo by Charles Hoffman [link]

58. SCARF model Status Certainty Autonomy Relatedness Photo by Don-Pixel [link]

59. SCARF model Status Certainty Autonomy Relatedness Fairness Photo by JMTImages [link]

60. SCARF model Status Certainty Autonomy Relatedness Fairness

61. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link] Use the model

62. When getting Photo by Ed Yourdon [link] feedback

63. When getting feedback (Reframe the experience)

64. Offering feedback ≠ Higher status Emphasize choice & agency Remember the relationship* Manage defensiveness* When getting feedback

65. When getting Feeling threatened ≠ There’s an actual threat feedback

66. When getting feedback (Self-soothe)

67. When getting Cultivate in-the-moment awareness Notice & arrest our threat response Slow things down feedback

68. When getting feedback (Talk about feelings)

69. When getting Feedback should be a dialogue feedback

70. When getting Feedback should be a dialogue Share feelings in the moment Manage threat response feedback

71. Photo by Garry Knight [link] When giving feedback

72. When giving (Lower the risk of threat response) feedback

73. When giving Be mindful of status Minimize uncertainty Maximize autonomy Build the relationship feedback

74. Photo by Harsha KR [link] Relationships

75. Relationships John Gottman, University of Washington What characterizes successful relationships? Read More

76. Relationships Feeling known by the other A culture of appreciation Responding to “bids” Mutual influence A soft start*

77. When giving Photo by Phil McElhinney [link] Not like this feedback

78. When giving Photo by Oakley Originals [link] feedback Like this

79. Begin with authentic positive intent Emphasize mutual goals Manage stress levels Minimize risk of threat response When giving feedback Read More

80. Photo by Connor Tartar [link] Relationships & conflict

81. 5:1 positive to negative interactions Over time, not in every conversation “Emotional bank account” Relationships & conflict

82. Relationships Requires investment in advance Can’t “switch on” when needed

83. Relationships Goal isn’t just “warm fuzzies” Strong relationships  Feedback is less stressful

84. Photo by Roger Alcantara [link] Defensiveness

85. Defensiveness Specific form of threat response Generated by perceptions of unfairness We feel misunderstood and want to explain Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]

86. Defensiveness It’s useful data (Sign of significance) But threat response  Cognitive impairment When triggered, we can’t take in feedback Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]

87. Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link] The net

88. Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link] The net David Bradford, Stanford How to increase perceptions of fairness? How to minimize defensiveness?

89. The net Me YouMy behavior

90. The net Me YouMy behavior My intention

94. The net Me You Your response My behavior My intention

95. What I know Me My intention My behavior

96. What I don’t You Your response

97. What you know You Your response My behavior

98. Me What you don’t My intention

99. Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link] Use the model

100. When getting Photo by Francesco [link] feedback

101. When getting (Reframe the experience) feedback

102. When getting They will cross the net Impact ≠ Intent Our defensiveness wasn’t their intention feedback

103. When getting (Self-soothe) feedback

104. When getting How do I respond when I feel unfairly accused? Down-regulate our emotions Slow things down feedback

105. When getting (Talk about feelings) feedback

106. When getting “I feel a little defensive.” Or embarrassed or ashamed Very difficult & very effective feedback

107. When giving Photo by Andrew Yee [link] feedback

108. When giving (Minimize the risk of threat response) feedback

109. When giving Avoid crossing the net Focus on what you know (Observed behavior & your response) When you do [X], I feel [Y]. feedback

110. When giving Remember that you will cross the net Intent ≠ Impact Intentions don’t guarantee desired impact feedback

111. When giving Disclose your intention Down-regulate their emotions feedback

112. Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link] To review

113. To review Minimize social threat The SCARF model & the net Reframe, self-soothe, talk about feelings Build the relationship Manage defensiveness Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

114. Feedback-rich Photo by Heisenberg Media [link] culture

115. Feedback-rich Social threat  Many times/day Most commonly at work Individual skills reduce social threat Culture plays a huge role culture

116. Feedback-rich culture Individual skills ≈ Genes Environment determines their expression Skills are necessary but insufficient on their own Ability to deploy skills is culture-dependent

117. Feedback-rich culture (Components)

118. Feedback-rich culture Safety, trust & intimacy Balance Normalcy Accountability Read More

119. Safety, trust, Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link] intimacy Read More

120. Hierarchy of needs Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link] Abraham Maslow What motivates us as human beings?

121. Hierarchy of needs Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link] Physiological Safety Love & belonging Esteem Self-actualization

122. Hierarchy of needs Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link] Parallels in working groups relationships & organizations…

123. Hierarchy of needs Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link] Experiments, risk-taking & vulnerability Learning, self- awareness & change Parallels in working groups relationships & organizations… Psychological safety, trust & intimacy

124. Hierarchy of needs Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link] Psychological safety, trust & intimacy THE FOUNDATION

125. Safety, trust, intimacy Safety = I won’t get hurt. Trust = I believe you & you believe me. Intimacy = We can make the private public.

126. Safety, trust, intimacy & feedback Safety It’s OK to be vulnerable. I’m open to criticism. We can discuss emotional topics without fear.

127. Safety, trust, intimacy & feedback Trust I believe in your good intentions. I know negative feedback is intended to help. I accept positive feedback as genuine.

128. Safety, trust, intimacy & feedback Intimacy I can tell you how I feel about you. We can invite another person into the discussion. We can have this discussion with the whole team.

129. Safety, trust, intimacy & feedback Practical steps Get to know each other Invest in relationships Build “emotional bank accounts”

130. Safety, trust, intimacy & feedback Practical steps Talk about emotions Expand your comfort zone Modify display rules

131. Safety, trust, intimacy & feedback Practical steps Make it OK to say “No” Or at least “Not now” Minimize threat response

132. Balance

133. Positive feedback Photo by Scott Cutler [link]

134. Positive feedback A paradox So important So often ineffective What’s wrong? Read More

135. Positive feedback Lack of trust We often praise the wrong things Read More

136. Positive feedback Often unsaid (Display rules) We don’t practice  We never improve Balance over time is key

137. Positive feedback Practical steps Start small Acknowledge & appreciate When you do [X], I feel [Y].

138. Positive feedback Practical steps Praise effort & persistence Not innate abilities Builds resilience & determination

139. Positive feedback Practical steps Offer some positive feedback…and stop Don’t praise to buffer criticism Use a soft start instead

140. Normalcy Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]

141. Normalcy Make feedback normal Not a performance review Leaders = Role models Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]

142. Normalcy Practical steps Don’t wait for special occasions Work in public (riskier, more trust & intimacy) Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]

143. Accountability Photo by Hector Alejandro [link]

144. Accountability Walking the talk Leaders’ behavior is key

145. Accountability Practical steps Be transparent Ask for feedback (Subordinates won’t volunteer it)

146. Thank you! Photo by Brett Casadonte [link] www.edbatista.com

Making Feedback Less Stressful (HBR Webinar, February 2015)

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