Here are revised versions without unnecessary words: 1. He dropped out of school because he needed to help support his family. 2. The new schedule is expected to be announced by the bus company within the next few days. 3. [I did not provide a revision for the third example because no wordy sentence was provided.]

1. +
Revision Strategies
Testing for cohesiveness:
Get out your essay and a pen!

2. +
Check your essay for order
 Find the summary (paragraph one)
 Underline the most significant sentence
 Find your analysis (paragraph two)
 Underline a sentence in which you used a good example, followed by
analysis.
 Find your transition (paragraph three)
 Underline your thesis (last sentence of paragraph three). Make sure it has
both a topic and a controlling idea: I want a ---------- because 1________
, 2___________, and 3______________

3. +
Body Paragraphs
 Find body paragraph 1
 Underline your topic sentence. It should connect to #1 in your thesis
statement!
 Find body paragraph 2
 Underline your topic sentence. It should connect to #2 in your thesis
statement!
 Find body paragraph 3
 Underline your topic sentence. It should connect to #3 in your thesis
statement!

4. +
Conclusion
Find your conclusion: This should connect
your wants and Brady’s wants to some
universal theme!
 Underlinethe most significant sentence in
your conclusion

5. +
Does it work together?
Now write all of the underlined sentences in a
single paragraph.
 Read your paragraph to yourself
 Next, read your paragraph aloud to someone
sitting near you. See if it makes sense!
 If it does not flow smoothly, you need to
revise significant sentences in your essay.
Mark them so you can change them later.

6. +
Now return to your summary paragraph:
 Have you included the  Have you included
title of the essay? overarching themes
rather than specific
 Doyou have several details?
sentences of
summary? and the  Do you have a
author’s name? transition to your
analysis paragraph?

7. +
Now, go to your analysis paragraph.
Make sure you have at least two
examples and two explanations for
why you used those examples.
Underline them just to make
sure. Read them to your neighbor.

8. +
Check your transition paragraph.
 Doesit move you  Read it to your
from the intro about partner. Ask for
Brady’s essay to your suggestions!
own essay?
 Can
you make it
smoother?

9. +

10. +
Read your thesis aloud. Does it make sense?
Have your partner explain to you what you
want and why you want it?
What I really want is a ____________________ because
_______________, ____________________, __________
___________.

11. +
Your Body Paragraphs!
 
 Your topic sentence should be clear  Your topic sentence should be
and connect to your thesis. clear and connect to your thesis.
Now, check your support: do you have Now, check your support: do you
have a definition? Reasons?
a definition? Reasons? Explanation? Explanation? Facts? Statistics?
Facts? Statistics? Quotations? Quotations? Comparisons?
Comparisons? Analysis? Mark them in Analysis? Mark them in your
your paragraph. paragraph.


 Your topic sentence should be clear
and connect to your thesis.
Now, check your support: do you have
a definition? Reasons? Explanation?
Facts? Statistics? Quotations?
Comparisons? Analysis? Mark them in
your paragraph.

12. +
The Conclusion The Title
 Bring your essay back to Brady’s  Go back and read your essay. Find
by comparing wants and desires of a really great line that captures the
people. Say something clever to essence of your paper topic. Steal
wrap it up it for your title!

13. + MLA Formatting
Style
Hapi Tobia Student

14. +
Margins and Formatting Header: Last Name 1
 1” all around  Double Click in Header Area
 Go to “Layout” and adjust  Type your last name
margins or use custom settings  Justify right
 Times New Roman 12  Go to “insert” and click on
 Indent body paragraphs ½ inch “page number”
from the margin

15. +
Heading: Double Spaced Title
 Your Name  Original Title (not the title of
 Dr. Kim Palmore the essay we read)
 EWRT 211  No italics, bold, underline, or
quotation marks
 20 January 2012
 Centered on the page
 No extra spaces (just double
spaced after your heading
and before the body of your
text)

16. +
Content
1. Put the name of Brady’s (not Judy’s) essay
(not story or article) in quotation marks.
2. Put quotation marks around quoted material.
3. Make sure you integrate quoted material with
the text. For example, “Brady claims that
“………..” Do not use quoted material as an
isolated sentence.

17. Common Writing Errors
+
1. Wordiness
2. Misused Words

18. Wordiness: using more words than necessary to
express thought. Many people write wordy papers
because they are trying to make their ideas sound
important by using long words and intricate
sentences. They think that their writing must be
complicated to seem professional. Although these
writers are trying to impress their readers, they often
end up confusing them. The best writing is
clear, concise, and easy to understand. Your ideas are
much more impressive when your reader does not
have to fight to understand you.

19. + Often writers use several words for ideas that can be expressed in one.
This leads to unnecessarily complex sentences and genuine
redundancy as the following examples show:
Redundant Not Redundant
 The printer is located adjacent to  The printer is adjacent to the
the computer computer
 The printer is located in the  The printer is near the computer
immediate vicinity of the computer
 The user can visibly see the image
moving  The user can see the image moving
 He wore a shirt that was blue in  He wore a blue shirt.
color
 The input is processed
 The input is suitably processed

20. + Now you try it. Write this sentence in as few words as
possible without changing the meaning!
The available receptacle, in any
case, was of insufficient size to
contain the total quantity of
unnecessary waste.

21. +
How to reduce wordiness!
 1. Reduce Long Clauses  2. Reduce Phrases
 When editing, try to reduce long  Likewise, try to reduce phrases to
clauses to shorter phrases: single words:
 Wordy: The clown who was in the  Wordy: The clown at the end of
center ring was riding a tricycle. the line tried to sweep up the
spotlight.
 Revised: The clown in the center
ring was riding a tricycle.  Revised: The last clown tried to
sweep up the spotlight.

22. +
Eliminating Wordiness Strategies
 3. Avoid Empty Openers  4. Don’t Overwork Modifiers
 Avoid There is, There are, and There  Do not overwork
were as sentence openers when There very, really, totally, and other
adds nothing to the meaning of a modifiers that add little or nothing to
sentence:
the meaning of a sentence.
 Wordy: There is a prize in every box
of Quacko cereal.  Wordy: By the time she got
home, Merdine was very tired.
 Revised: A prize is in every box of
Quacko cereal.  Revised: By the time she got
home, Merdine was exhausted
 Wordy: There are two security
guards at the gate.  Wordy: She was also really hungry.
 Revised: Two security guards stand  Revised: She was also hungry [or
at the gate. famished].

23. +
Eliminating Wordiness
 5. Avoid Redundancies
 Replace redundant expressions (phrases that use more words than
necessary to make a point) with precise words. Remember: needless
words are those that add nothing (or nothing significant) to the
meaning of our writing. They bore the reader and distract from our
ideas. So cut them out!
 Wordy: At this point in time, we should edit our work.
 Revised: Now we should edit our work.

24. +
Try these!
1. He dropped out of school on account of the fact that it was necessary
for him to help support his family.
2. It is expected that the new schedule will be announced by the bus
company within the next few days.
3. There are many ways in which a student who is interested in meeting
foreign students may come to know one.
4. It is very unusual to find someone who has never told a deliberate lie
on purpose.
5. Trouble is caused when people disobey rules that have been
established for the safety of all.

25. +
Possible Answers
1. He dropped out of school to support his family.
2. The bus company will probably announce its schedule during the
next few days.
3. Any student who wants to meet foreign students can do so in many
ways.
4. Rarely will you find someone who has never told a deliberate lie.
5. Disobeying safety regulations causes trouble.

26. +
Misused word:
 Wrong-word errors can involve using a word
with the wrong shade of meaning, a word with
a completely wrong meaning, or a wrong
preposition or word in an idiom. Selecting a
word from a thesaurus without being certain
of its meaning or allowing a spell checker to
correct your spelling automatically can lead to
wrong-word errors, so use these tools with
care. If you have trouble with prepositions and
idioms, memorize the standard usage.

27. +
Homonyms
Affect, Effect: Accept, Except:
 Affect is usually a verb meaning to  Accept is a verb meaning to
influence. Effect is usually a noun receive. Except is usually a
meaning result. The drug did not preposition meaning excluding. I
affect the disease, and it had will accept all the packages except
several adverse side effects. Effect that one. Except is also a verb
can also be a verb meaning to meaning to exclude. Please except
bring about. Only the president can that item from the list.
effect such a dramatic change.

28. +
Homonyms
Than, Then: To, Too, Two:
 Than is a conjunction used in  To is a preposition; too is an adverb; two
is a number. Too many of your shots slice
comparisons; then is an adverb to the left, but the last two were right on
denoting time. That pizza is more the mark.
than I can eat. Tom laughed, and  Hints:
then we recognized him.
 If you are trying to spell out the number, it
is always t-w-o. Two has a w which is
 Hints: the first letter in word. The opposite of
word is number.
 Than is used to compare; both
 Too is usually used as also when adding
words have the letter a in them. or including some additional information.
Whenever you want to include something
 Then tells when; both are spelled else, think of it as adding; therefore
you also need to add an extra o.
the same, except for the first letter.

29. + Your, You're: There, Their, They're:
 Your is a possessive pronoun;  There is an adverb specifying place; it is
also an expletive. Adverb: Sylvia is lying
you're is a contraction of you are. there unconscious. Expletive: There are
You're going to catch a cold if you two plums left. Their is a possessive
don't wear your coat. pronoun. They're is a contraction of they
are. Fred and Jane finally washed their
car. They're later than usual today.
 Sound out you are in the sentence.
If it works in the sentence it can be  If you are using there to tell the reader
written as you're. If it sounds where, both words have h-e-r-e. Here is
also a place.
awkward, it is probably supposed
to be Your.  If you are using their as a possessive
pronoun, you are telling the reader
 EXAMPLE: You're shoes are what "they own. Their has h-e-i-r, which
also means heir, as in someone who
muddy. "You are shoes are muddy" inherits something. Both words have to do
does not work, so it should be with ownership.
written as: Your shoes are muddy.
 They're is a contraction of they are.
Sound out they are in the sentence and see
if it works. If it does not, it must be one of
the previous versions.

30. +
Words that don't sound alike but
confuse us anyway:
 Lie, lay  Set, Sit:
 Lie is an intransitive verb meaning  Set is a transitive verb meaning to
to recline or rest on a surface. Its put or to place. Its principal parts
principal parts are lie, lay, lain. are set, set, set. Sit is an
Lay is a transitive verb meaning to intransitive verb meaning to be
put or place. Its principal parts are seated. Its principal parts are
lay, laid. sit, sat, sat. She set the dough in a
warm corner of the kitchen. The
 Hint: Chickens lay eggs. I lie down cat sat in the warmest part of the
when I am tired. room.

31. +
Problem phrases:
 Supposed to: Do not omit the d. Suppose to is incorrect.
 Used to: Same as above. Do not write use to.
 Toward: There is no s at the end of the word.
 Anyway: Also has no ending s. Anyways is nonstandard.
 Couldn't care less: Be sure to make it negative. (Not I could care
less.)
 For all intents and purposes: Not intensive purposes.


32. +
HOMEWORK FOR THURSDAY:
 Writing:
Finish essay 1. Remember to check for
cohesiveness, wordiness, and misused words.
 Post your final draft on the website
 Reading: How to Write a Cover Letter