This document summarizes a presentation about managing passive-aggressive behavior. It discusses features of passive-aggressive behavior such as unexpressed anger and need for control. It also outlines common passive-aggressive behaviors like obstruction, pouting, and procrastination. The document provides approaches to addressing these behaviors, such as bringing conflicts into the open, creating a "no-whining zone", dividing large tasks, and maintaining self-care and boundaries. It concludes with case studies and a reminder about not ignoring passivity in oneself or others.

1. Managing
the needs
of the
Passive-
Aggressive Adult
This presentation is made available to CMIS members only for their reference
use. Author retains rights for further distribution or other uses.

2. Managing the needs of the
Passive-aggressive adult
Mark Evans, LCPC, DAPA
Passive-aggressive behavior is marked
passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance
to following authoritative instructions in
interpersonal or occupational situations.
 Educators and administrators will encounter
passive-aggressive behaviors among parents,
co-workers, allied professionals, as well as
children in the classroom who have learned
and imitated these behaviors.

3. A touchstone for today’s
discussion
“To ignore passivity in ourselves and others
equals passivity on our part; To ignore
opportunities for assertiveness with others
may be to encourage aggressiveness from
others, and at a time and place not of our
choosing.”
-- "Black Children: Coping in a Racist Society"
by Alvin F. Poussaint, Voices of Multicultural America: Notable Speeches
Delivered by African, Asian, Hispanic and Native Americans, 1790-1995, ed.
Deborah Gillan Straub, Detroit: Gale Research, 1996)

4. Topics We’ll Cover Today
Features of passive-aggressive behavior
How passive-aggressive behavior is learned
and enabled
Parenting styles of the passive-aggressive
caregiver
Coping styles of the child who has learned
passive-aggressive behavior
Common passive-aggressive behaviors
Approaches to minimizing the effects of
passive-aggressive behaviors
Maintaining self-care and boundaries
Case studies and some open discussion

5. The Black Box Warning
This topic can lead to casual diagnosis
and judgment
Let’s get honest and open with the
challenges we face with passive-aggressive
behavior
Let’s avoid specific and identifiable student,
parent, or colleague information
Let’s make everything we say be aimed at:
Illuminating a problem
Raising a question for shared learning
Offering an intervention
Let’s provide information and experiences,
and avoid judgmental or broad statements

6. Features of passive-
aggressive behavior
Unexpressed anger
Fear of failure or exposure
Difficulty submitting to authority
despite historical need to do so
Need for control or influence
over the actions of others

7. Why passive-aggressive
behavior bears attention
A simple formula….
Passive-aggressive =
PASSIVE + AGGRESSIVE
Passive behavior without
aggression still = ANGER

8. How passive-aggressive
behavior is learned and
enabled
Parents who were aggressive and exercised
complete control over their child did not let the
child express himself or herself.
This may have pushed the child into adopting
passive-aggressive behavior patterns to cope.
If, for example, the child openly disagreed
with the parent and was punished for doing
so, the child learned to substitute passive
resistance for active resistance.

9. Parenting styles of the
caregiver that can lead to
passive-aggressive
behavior
Controlling
Intolerant of complaints or discussion
Rigid
Could be abusive physically, verbally
or sexually

10. Coping styles of the child
who has learned passive-
aggressive behavior
Irritability, defensiveness, and
resentfulness
Lacking self-confidence
Difficulty experiencing pleasure
from relationships with others
Tendency to give up quickly
Prone to pouting or sulking

11. More coping styles of the
child who has learned
passive-aggressive behavior
Feeling that others are making
unreasonable demands on him or her,
but thinks he or she is doing a better job
than what they are given credit for
Blaming others for his or her problems
Not aware that his or her self-
defeating behaviors are part of their
personality

12. The most common
passive-aggressive
behaviors
Obstruction
Pouting
Procrastination
“People-pleasing”
Addictive behaviors

13. What does obstruction
look like?
Obstructionism is a pattern of behavior
through which progress or accomplishment of
others is hindered or blocked by slowing
down or displaying inefficiency.
In Japan this tactic is known as a "cow walk",
and in Hawaii it's known as a "Devil's Gambit“.
Therapists and managers on the west coast
have been known to use these terms as
short-hand for obstruction.

14. What does pouting by
adults look like?
Sulking and pouting are really just silent
forms of tantrums. People use this form of
behavior to get their way, to get attention, or to
seek revenge. Adults who feel they have been
over-controlled sulk or pout when they
encounter adults who establish limits.
Children who have permissive parents sulk
because…it works.

15. What does procrastination
look like?
 20% of people are chronic procrastinators
 It requires excuses that are acceptable to
others.
 Procrastination is not a problem of time
management or of planning.
 Procrastination is learned in the family milieu,
but not directly.
 Procrastinators tell lies to themselves (e.g, "I
work best under pressure“).

16. What does procrastination
look like?
 Procrastinators actively look for distractions,
particularly ones that don't take a lot of
commitment on their part. Checking e-mail is
almost perfect for this purpose.
 There are three types of passive-aggressive
procrastination (Ferrari, 2002):
 Arousal types, or thrill-seekers, who wait to
the last minute for the euphoric rush.
 Avoiders, who are very concerned with
what others think of them
 Decisional procrastinators

17. What does procrastination
look like?
 There are big costs to procrastination:
 Health effects
 Insomnia
 Provocation of anger in others
 Destroyed teamwork and relationships
 Procrastinators can change their behavior—but
doing so consumes a lot of psychic energy. It
can be done with highly structured cognitive
behavioral therapy.

18. What does ‘people-
pleasing’ look like?
The features:
Self-sacrifice, martyrdom
Dependency upon others, difficulty making decisions
Need for approval
Self-deprecation
The effects:
Resentment
Employee burn-out
Emergence of other passive-aggressive behaviors

19. What do addictive
behaviors look like?
Substances: alcohol, cigarettes, prescription
medications, drugs
Hobbies that are overdone: videogames, television
shows, sports, gym workouts, cars, collectibles
High-risk activities: gambling, unprotected sex,
shopping
Pro-social activities that are overdone: Overwork,
cleaning, home care, self-care

20. Approaches to minimizing
the effects of passive-
aggressive behaviors
General practices that reduce opportunities for
passive-aggressive behaviors
Bringing conflict into the open: Managing
obstruction
Creating a “no-whining” zone: Managing pouting
The never-ending deadline: Managing
procrastination
Managing “People-pleasing” behavior
Spotting and addressing addictive behaviors

21. A Multi-systemic approach to
addressing passive or aggressive
behavior: Finding the “Fit”
Fit Factor: Low tolerance for conflict with the
student 1
Evidence: ______________________
Target
Fit Factor: Father displays low tolerance for
negotiation, conflict related to child 2 Behavior:
behavior. FATHER NOT
Evidence: _____________________ ENSURING
SCHOOL
ATTENDANCE
Fit Factor: Father does not believe
education and school attendance are 3
important
Evidence: _____________________
5
Fit Factor: Father works nights and sleeps in the Fit Factor: Father supports non-
morning 4 compliance with adult supervision
Evidence:_______________________ Evidence: ____________________
Fit Factors: Based on observable, measurable information.

22. General practices that
reduce opportunities for
passive-aggressive
behaviors
Communicate clear expectations
Have a ‘Plan-B’ not dependent upon the other
person
Maintain good boundaries

23. Bringing conflict into the
open: Managing
obstruction
Widen the team: Bring a ‘committee’ or work team
approach to tasks, such as that of the PET;
supervisors or colleagues can also help
Avoid personal statements: Describe behavior,
expectations, and alternatives
Be positive: Combine praise or support with
expressions of expectations
Track steps and outcomes in processes

24. Creating a “no-whining”
zone: Managing pouting
Never make their problem seem more important to you than to
them. Don't reprimand, threaten, punish, or tease a sulking person.
Just let others work their problems out on their own. If you feel
compelled to interfere, leave the room.
Role-play situations that tend to incite others to sulk or pout.
Use questioning: "What are you trying to tell me? I need words to
understand you." "Do you think your behavior will accomplish
what you want it to?" "Do you like it when other are upset with
you?" "How do you feel about them when they are?"
Give choices: “Would you prefer to check in with me or the
assistant principal each week?”
Do you want to pout in your room or stay here and think of a
solution to your problem?“

25. The never-ending deadline:
Managing procrastination
Define the problem as precisely as possible
Describe the behavior, not your judgment
Communicate the problem directly
Create an air of friendly competition
Track progress in writing in easily-visible settings
Solicit commitment, NOT compliance
Divide work into ‘chunks’ or segments
Offer assistance, or ask others to help mentor the
individual

26. Managing “People-
pleasing” behavior
Praise teamwork as much as self-sacrifice
Challenge self-deprecation with a challenge to complete
the task
Encourage key team participants to share positive
experiences they have had with a ‘people-pleasing’
individual when they worked well with others (e.g., “Sally,
I heard from Bill that you did a great job working with
Ted to finish the plan for the student we saw today”)

27. Spotting and addressing
addictive behaviors
Trends in behavior that reflect an addiction
Chronic stress despite the individual describing or
displaying activities that should reduce stress
Emotional lability or over-reactions
Failure to access support
Self-sabotage or self-defeating behaviors
Expressions of hopelessness
How to address addictive behaviors:
Speak with your supervisor!

28. Maintaining self-care and
boundaries
Notice your emotional reactions to passive
behaviors and give voice to them
Check your perceptions with others
Judge the effects of the behavior, not other
individuals
“It takes one to know one”: Accept the possibility
that you are noticing a need of your own when you
encounter passive-aggressive behaviors in others
Seek supervision, training, and teamwork
opportunities

29. Maintaining self-care and
boundaries:
Revisiting Dr. Poussaint
“To ignore passivity in ourselves and others
equals passivity on our part; To ignore
opportunities for assertiveness with others
may be to encourage aggressiveness from
others, and at a time and place not of our
choosing.”
-- "Black Children: Coping in a Racist Society"
by Alvin F. Poussaint, Voices of Multicultural America: Notable Speeches
Delivered by African, Asian, Hispanic and Native Americans, 1790-1995, ed.
Deborah Gillan Straub, Detroit: Gale Research, 1996)

30. Case studies
A parent who is angry at her children’s principal due
to the disciplining of her child on a Friday, has been
invited to meet with school staff on Monday morning.
The meeting is confirmed for 10am. The parent
arrives at 10:45, explaining that she experienced
difficulty finding her shoes, then stopped at Dunkin’
Donuts since “you people never serve coffee at these
meetings”.

31. Case studies
A teacher named Ed volunteers to help complete a
project, despite telling co-workers that he feels over-
extended. He makes a date to work after school, but
does not show up or call. The next day, when this is
mentioned, he tells his co-workers that he had to
assist a friend whose car broke down, and that the
friend did not have a cell phone. Ed re-schedules the
meeting, but comes late to the meeting, interrupting
the group with a story about his youth coaching
commitments and his busy schedule.

32. Case studies
A parent’s complaints about the ‘uncaring school
district’ escalates until she screams at you during a
meeting that you are the reason her son is truant and
missing school. She tells others that she doesn’t
want to meet because you are “targeting” her and her
son “because we’re poor and don’t dress up like
some people”. When you try to ask questions or
share your perceptions, she folds her arms, rolls her
eyes, and taps her feet on the floor. When the
meeting ends, she apologizes for becoming upset
but, later that day, she tells her son that his teacher
is ‘worthless and out to get students because they
have special needs’.

33. Discussion