How to Play Well with Others (A Program on Dealing with Difficult People)

How to Play Well with Others
and Get others to Play Well
with You
A Program on Dealing with Difficult
People Situations

Marian Madonia, CSP

We are all inherently difficult
people

Copyright Marian Madonia 1997-2011

You know you're a Drama
Queen when:
1. You are perpetually in panic
mode.
2. You are the cause of all
your drama.
3. The running commentary of
your life includes every little
thing that happens.
4. You think you are a mind
reader.
5. You expect other people to
be mind readers.
6. You can't tell the difference
between opinion & fact.

6. Your Facebook is littered
with your drama.
7. You are pandering to fulfill
your need for attention
sympathy. Let someone
else have center stage for
a change.
8. You are chronically
complaining about
everything...large or small
9. You are a walking re-run.
10. You are an expert
exaggerator.
11. You are a martyr.


Bad Habits
•
•
•
•
•
•
•

Attacking
W
hining
Nagging
R
ambling
Exaggerating
One-upmanship
Interrupting

•
•
•
•
•

Silent Treatment
Name-calling
Foul language
Yelling
Using text, voice mail
&/ email for things
or
that should be done in
person


Communication Traps
• Confusing “Responsibility” with “Blame”
• Trying to “be right”
• Treating the process as though it is in a
vacuum
• Treating communication and
psychology as though they are “pop”
science

Obstacles to Communication
Assumptions/Mind Reading
Blaming/ Fault-Finding
Conflict Habits
Defensiveness/Sarcasm
Distrust/Grudges
Emotions
Fear
Inconsistency
Insensitivity
Labeling
Listening Skills
Perceptions
Principles
Stress
Time Pressures

Behavioral Differences/Personality Type
Beliefs/Principles/Values
Birth Order
Career
Communication Styles
Culture
Education
Ethics/Integrity
Gender Differences
Learning Style
Left Brain/ Right Brain Orientation
Marital Status
Religion/Spiritual Beliefs
Socio-economic Status
Thinking Styles


D

TURN-ONS
Control

Control
Responsibility
Mastery
Loyalty
Fast Pace

Attention
High
Achievements
Recognition
Adventure
Excitement
Spontaneity

Relationships
High

Low

C

Perfection
Autonomy
Consistency
Practical
Information

I

Low

Popularity
Closeness
Affirmation
Kindness
Caring

S

TURN-OFFS
Ambiguity
Irreverence
Laziness
Showing emotions

Control

D

I

High

Lack of enthusiasm
Waiting
Indecision
Convention
Relationships

High

Low

C

Insensitivity
Dissension
Insincerity
Egotism

Over-assertiveness
Carelessness
Arrogance
Fakes
Low

S

Dogmatic
Stubborn
Rigid
Unapproachable
Distant
Critical
Insensitive

Control

D

LIMITATIONS

High Pushy
Intimidating
Overbearing
Restless
Impatient
Manipulative
Abrasive
Reactive
Dominating

I

Relationships

Low

C

Slow to get things done
Perfectionist
Withdrawn
Dull
Sullen
Shy
Passive

High

Low

Too other-oriented
Indecisive
Impractical
Vulnerable
Hesitant
Subjective

S

Five Foundations
1. Listen
2. Ask Effective Questions
3. Strive to Understand and Build
Relationships
4. Communicate with Purpose
5. Manage Conflict Effectively

1. Listen


“The Key to Listening is Curiosity.”
Dr. Ralph Nichols
the Father of listening research


Why Don’t We Listen?
•
•
•
•

We’re Preoccupied
Fatigue
In a hurry
Can’t focus


Four Ways to Keep the Door
open with Listening
1. Become an active listener
2. Pay attention to nonverbal aspects of
message.
3. Listen to the full message before
coming to a conclusion.
4. Be patient and empathetic. Not
everyone can deliver a message in an
interesting way.

2. Ask Effective Questions


Effective Questions Begin…
Who
What
Where
How
When
Why

Closed-Ended Questions
• Do you have a plan?
• Can you tell me about the problem?
• Are you frustrated?


Open Ended Questions
• What are your plans?
• How will you deal with the problem?
• What are your frustrations?


Gentle Commands
• Tell me something about your plans
• Describe your initial reaction to that
problem
• Share with me some of your
frustrations


Opt Out Questions
• Can you describe your plans?
• Can you tell me a little about the
problem?
• Can you say anything about your
frustrations?


Qualitative Questions
• How are the plans going?
• How has the problem been?
• How’s that situation that’s been
frustrating you?


Statements of Inquiry
• The plans aren’t coming along!?
• The problems not solved!?
• You are frustrated!?


Empathic Statements
• It sounds like the plans aren’t
coming together for you.
• It seems difficult to solve a problem
when you’re often interrupted.
• It looks like you’re feeling
frustrated.


Statement/Echo questions
• The plans aren’t complete?
• The problem’s not resolved?
• Frustrated?


Facilitating Statements
•
•
•
•

Uh-huh
Go on
I see
Tell me more


3. Strive to Understand
& Build Relationships


“Do not do unto others as you
would have them do unto you.
They may not like it.”

Mark Twain

Basic Human Needs
To be valued by others
To be in control
To have personal self-esteem


Do not use the phrase…
“I understand exactly how you
feel…”


Create an Environment of Goodwill
•
•
•
•
•
•

People have freewill
Clueless factor
INAY
Be aware of natural biases and
differences
Listen with interest & curiosity
Know your hot buttons

4. Communicate with Purpose


Politics are the rules and
activities that people use to get
what they need.


Communication Styles
• Passive
• Aggressive
• Passive-Aggressive
• Assertive

Definition of Assertiveness

Taking care of your wants and
needs while respecting the wants
and needs of others.
Staff - Boss - Peer - Parent

You are no good to anyone else
until you have first been good to
yourself


NO!


What Style is This?
• Marian, I trust that all your fingers are
working? Or that you are on the road
and can not write? Just wondering and
hoping that all is well.


How You Say it Matters
Tone – WOW!

Body Language
Territorialism


5. Manage Conflict Effectively


Conflict Solutions
•
•
•
•
•

Collaborate
Cooperate
Accommodate
Dominate
Withdraw

= Win/Win
= Lose/Lose
= Lose/Win
= Win/Lose
= Neither can win


Conflict Tips
•
•
•
•
•

Defuse emotions with time
Disagree without being disagreeable
Say no to ideas, not people
Substitute “this” for “your”
Avoid questions & sentences beginning
with “why” or “you”
• Seek to understand the issues

Defusing Emotions

Allow Time for Venting


In the Fewest & Simplest Words
Possible
•Acknowledge the facts
•Behavior/situation affect on you
•Consequences of your request/goal
•Define your request/goal
•Effectively negotiate the “how”


Secret Weapons
• You’re right! Or, You Could be right!
• Tell me more.
• I’ve never thought about it that way...
I’ll consider that. Or, I need some
time to think about that.
• Give me an example
• Have you seen that new Hummer?

Don’t say it in an email if…
• You wouldn’t say it in person
• You are trying to avoid saying it in person
• Your feelings (or someone close to you) would be
hurt receiving something in this way
• It involves negative discipline or feedback
• You are angry
• You are perfectly comfortable seeing your words on
the front page of a newspaper

3 Tactics for presenting a complaint
• Keep your emotions out of it
• Keep the other persons objectives
in mind
• Ask for what you want


Keep Your Sense of Humor!


Once in the gardens
o’Rockhill,
Was a case that would give
you a Chill.
When walking one’s Dog,
One would let him leave Logs,
When on the lawn should be
Nil.

Play in Marian’s Sandbox
Twitter, YouTube, Pinterest
/marianmadonia
Facebook.com/MariansFans
MarianMadonia.com

How to Play Well with Others (A Program on Dealing with Difficult People)

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