This document summarizes techniques for effectively communicating during difficult conversations. It discusses: 1) Focusing on actively listening to understand all parts of the other person's message before responding, including content, feelings, demands, and the relationship aspect. 2) Using inquiry rather than advocacy, demonstrating empathy rather than neutrality, making tentative rather than dogmatic statements, and using respectful language that maintains both people's self-worth. 3) Seeking to expand understanding through descriptive responses rather than judgments, and exploring problems rather than immediately offering solutions.

1. 2013 Governor’s Conference on Service
and Nonprofit Capacity Building
Dealing with
Difficult People

2. Content
Feelings
Demand
Relationship
Hearing / no
processing
Minimal processing
Normal processing
Deep processing
Parts of Communication

3. Inquiry is any attempt to gain further information
about the topic being discussed.
Advocacy is any attempt to sell or persuade for
an individual’s position.
INQUIRY

4. Empathy is attending to and responding to the
feelings of the other person.
Neutrality means ignoring the feelings of the
other person or, worse, demeaning them
in some way.
EMPATHY

5. Tentative statements are those that make room for
another opinion. They are not dogmatic.
Certain or dogmatic statements are those
presented as absolute truth with no room for
another opinion.
TENTATIVE

6. Equal statements are those that maintain or
enhance the self worth of the other.
Superior statements are those that put the other
person ‘down’ or lessen them in some way.
EQUALITY

7. Descriptive responses seek to enhance or expand
the information shared.
Evaluative statements make judgments about the
information presented.
DESCRIPTION

8. Problem responses or statements explore the
definition of a situation.
Solution or control responses offer remedies for
the problem without further exploration.
PROBLEM

9. Spontaneous or transparent statements make no
attempt to hide the speaker’s agenda.
Strategic statements do attempt to hide the
agenda or ends of the speaker.
SPONTANEITY

10. Content
Hearing / no
processing
Spouses/opposite
rooms. Are you
listening? What did I
just say?
Demand
Relationship
I want to be heard.
I know what you
mean / feel your pain.
Share an event that
generates similar
feelings.
Use a feeling word:
“I’d be devastated if
my pet got hit.”
Acknowledges their
non-verbal behavior.
Minimal processing
Normal processing
Deep processing
Feelings
Follow your curiosity,
ask questions
What, exactly, would
you like me to do?
What do you want
from me?
Parts of Communication

11. Inquire, don’t advocate
Demonstrate empathy rather than being neutral
Rely on tentative, rather than dogmatic, statements
Use language that promotes equality, rather than
superiority
 Seek descriptive ways to expand your understanding
without judging
 Offer problem responses, rather than solution responses
 Be spontaneous and transparent.




Gibbs’ Techniques

12. Respond, don’t react. Bracket your own emotions.
Focus on the message – acknowledge all 4 parts of it.
Listen without judging.
Wait to formulate any response until the other person
is done talking.
 Pause and reflect on what you heard; check for meaning.
 Verbalize what you’re thinking: don’t imply a message,
make it clear.




Active Listening

13. Gibb, J.R. (1991). Trust: a new vision of
human relationships for business, human
relationships, family, and personal life.
Newcastle Publishing: North Hollywood,
CA.
References

14. For attending our session.
We enjoyed meeting each of you, combining our experiences
with yours, and invite you to continue our conversation.
•Steve at 317-442-7226; doctorsteve@bettermeetings4u.com
•Marje at 260-416-2666; doctormarje@bettermeetings4u.com
or through our website at http://earnestandtreff.com/
(under construction!)
Thanks!