How to Be Assertive

Prepared by : Sujatha Balakrishna
Definition of
Assertiveness
An honest, direct, and appropriate
expression of one's feelings,
thoughts, and beliefs.

2
Assertiveness
What is assertiveness?
• Developing self-confidence - having a positive attitude towards
yourself and others
• Being honest with yourself and with others - respecting yourself
and others
• Able to express yourself clearly and to communicate with others
effectively.
• Having the ability to say directly what it is your want, your need or
feel, but not at the expense of other people.
• Being able to behave in a rational and adult way, and being able
to negotiate and reach workable compromises.

Test Your
Assertiveness
 Can you express negative feelings
about other people and their
behaviors without using abusive
language?
 Are you able to exercise and
express your strengths?
 Can you easily recognize and
compliment other people’s
achievements?

Test Your Assertiveness
 Do you have the confidence to ask for
what is rightfully yours?
 Can you accept criticism without being
defensive?
 Do you feel comfortable accepting
compliments?
 Are you able to stand up for your
rights?

Test Your
Assertiveness Are you able to refuse
unreasonable requests from
friends, family, or co-workers?
 Can you comfortably start and
carry on a conversation with
others?
 Do you ask for assistance when
you need it ?
A “yes” response to the questions
indicates an assertive approach.

Why Assertiveness Is
Important? Effective communication brings
about the achievement of
individual and/or shared goals.
 Assertiveness increases your ability
to reach these goals while
maintaining your rights and
dignity.

Assertive Rights
There are some basic individual rights we hope to achieve by being
assertive.
The right to:
• To make mistakes
• To consider ones own needs as important as the needs of others
• To refuse requests without feeling guilty
• To express ourselves as long as we do not violate the rights of
others
• To judge one’s own behaviour, thoughts and emotions and to
take responsibility for the consequences

What’s Keeping You From Being
Assertive?
Fear of ruining relationships if you speak
your mind.
Lack confidence in your ability.

Have You Ever Felt…
… guilty about saying “no”?
… that others regard you as a pushover?
… that it’s better to be well liked than well
respected?
… that outbursts of anger are appropriate?
… that intimidation is the only way you can
get what you want?

Sound Familiar?
If any of these things sound like
you, it means you are probably
exhibiting non-assertive
behavior.
Realize that you are not alone. Non-
assertive behavior is very common
in the workplace.

What Assertiveness Is
 Respect for yourself and others.
 Honestly expressing your
thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
 Effectively influencing,
listening, and negotiating with
others.

What Assertiveness Is Not
 It is important to remember that
assertiveness is not
aggressiveness or selfishness.
 Being assertive does not involve
humiliating or abusing other
people and their rights.
 Being assertive does not mean
violating the rights of others or
gaining at the expense of some
one else’s loss.

Contrast to…

Aggressiveness Is
 Inappropriately expressing your
thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way
that violates other people’s rights.
 Achieving your goal by not allowing
others the freedom to choose.
 Completely disrespecting others
whether it be in an active or
passive method.

Are You Aggressive?
 Do you become abusive, whether it
be verbal or physical, when
criticizing others?
 Do you purposely make others feel
like they are incompetent or
unimportant?
 Do you make unreasonable
demands of other people?
A “yes” answer to any of the questions
may indicate aggressive behavior.

Are You Aggressive?
 Do you boast or exaggerate your
achievements?
 Do you ignore the rights and
feelings of other people?
 Do you aim to get your way at
all costs?
 Do you often dominate
conversations with others?

Contrast to..
• Passive behaviour
- Lack of self-confidence
- People who behave passively too often find it difficult to express
themselves and end up complying with the wishes of others

Acting (Passively)
Unassertiveness Is
 Acting in an indirect or passive
manner.
 Permitting others to take advantage
of you by violating your rights.
 Thinking that you and your needs
are inferior to others and their
needs.

Are You Unassertive (Passive)?
 Do you feel guilty standing up for
your rights or expressing your
feelings?
 Are you unable to recognize and
acknowledge your strengths?
 Are you uncomfortable with starting
or carrying on a conversation?
 Do you rarely stand up for yourself?

Are You Unassertive?
 Do you have trouble saying “no” to
people?
 Are you unable to ask other people to
perform reasonable requests for you?
 Do you feel that you let other people
take advantage of you?
A “yes” answer to any of the questions
may indicate unassertive behavior.

Why be assertive??
• Helps to boost our self confidence
• Feel good, get satisfaction, justice done
What is required from us to be assertive?
• Positive self image
• Belief - that we can act effectively

Situations call for assertive behaviour
• Ask someone in a “no smoking” area to put out their cigarette
• Returning unsatisfactory purchase to shop
• Asking for a pay rise, day off or promotion
• Asking a colleague with whom you share an office to conduct
private conversations elsewhere or to stop whistling
• Admitting that you have forgotten someone’s name or failed to
complete a task
• Re-opening discussion with someone with whom you have
quarrelled

A Passive
PersonPassive people usually:
 Speak softly and hesitantly.
 Use fillers like “uh” and “um.”
 Avoid eye contact.
 Allow other people in their
personal space.

An Aggressive Person
Raise their voices when they lose control.
Shout and use accusatory language like “You
should” and “You must.”
Stare people down and may invade other
people’s personal space physically.
Infringes on others’ rights, using fear
and intimidation to get what he or she
wants.
Aggressive people often:

An Assertive
Person
Assertive people usually:
Asserts his or her own rights in a
positive, open, honest, and self-confident
manner.
Speak calmly and confidently.
Notify other people of their feelings with
statements starting with “I think” and “I
feel.”
Maintain eye contact, have good posture
and are poised and in control.

How to behave assertively..How to behave assertively..
1) Body language
- Body language is important in learning to work with
assertiveness as it gives a way of reinforcing what we are
saying and the way we are behaving.
- The chart gives some examples of the differences
between Assertive, Aggressive and Passive Body
Language.

How to behave assertively..
Assertive Aggressive Passive
Posture Upright/straight Leaning forward Shrinking
Head Firm not rigid Chin jutting out Head down
Eyes
Direct not
staring, good
and regular eye
contact
Strongly focused staring,
glaring eye contact
Glancing away,
little eye contact
Face
Expression fits
the words
Set/firm
Smiling even
when upset
Voice
Well modulated
to fit content
Loud/emphatic
Hesitant/soft,
trailing off at ends
of words or
sentences
Arms/hands
Relaxed,
moving easily,
controlled
Extreme/sharp gestures,
fingers pointing
Aimless, still
Movement/
walking
Measured pace
suitable to
action
Slow and heavy or
deliberate, hard
Slow and hesitant

2) Broken language
- Children use this technique very effectively
- It can be used to make sure that you are listened to and that your
message is received.
- With this technique the message has to be repeated until it can no
longer be ignored or dismissed.
- Some of the same words are used over and over again in different
sentences to reinforce the message and to prevent others from diverting
from the central message.
-E.g. ‘We won’t be able to complete by 15th. I understand it causes you problems, but the
hard facts are it won’t be possible to complete all the work by 15th. However, we can
promise to finish key areas if you tell us your needs, and we will reschedule the rest. What
we can’t do is complete everything by 15th.’

3) Fogging
- Technique of agreeing with someone when they are criticising
- When someone is behaving aggressively they tend to expect
disagreement and they forge ahead with their argument without listening.
- Used to slow them down by an unexpected response
- It is a way of sidestepping the issue while still retaining your point of view
and integrity by agreeing with some part of what they say.
-It can reduce the temperature in a potentially explosive situation.
For example, if someone said, ‘Well, that was a pretty stupid way to behave in a
meeting’,
A fogging reply might be, ‘Yes, I can see that you think it was a pretty stupid way to
behave’,

4) Negative feelings assertion
- used to tell someone what is happening and how you
feel about it in a constructive way.
E.g. “Each time you arrive at the meeting unprepared, it
means we have to recap for your benefit only. I feel
irritated about this. In future I would ask you to prepare in
advance.”

Nine Types Of Assertive Response
 Disagree in both a passive and active
manner depending on the situation.
 Let other people understand more
about you – let them share your
thoughts and experiences.
 Always ask for answers when you
have questions regarding any issues
even when it is with a person of
authority.

 Be reasonable when you are in a
discussion with others without letting
them dominate the interaction.
 Always look directly into the
eyes of the person you are
talking to.
 Say “no” to any requests you
are uncomfortable with or
feel is unreasonable.

 Accept compliments graciously without
feeling embarrassed or the need to
depreciate yourself.
 Insist on being treated fairly
and justly – never let others
take advantage of you.
 Be friendly and sincere with the
people you would like to know
better; give them a chance to get
to know you.

Are You Assertive at the
Workplace?Then you do your job well while
maintaining your rights and
fulfilling your responsibilities.
Don’t worry if you don’t fit into
this category yet … There’s still
hope!

Developing to Your Full
Assertive PotentialInside everyone, there’s an
assertive person
trying
to get
out.
What’s keeping you back?

36
How to communicate assertively!
• Your perspective of the situation :
- what is the issue of the situation
e.g. “I have noticed that the common areas are frequently messy and
dirty.”
• Your feelings about the situation
- describe how the situation make you feel without blaming others
e.g. “I feel frustrated because I do feel that I am the only one who is doing
my part of the cleaning”
• Your wants regarding the situation or outcome
- own your request for a resolution by using “I” instead of “you”
e.g. “ I would like to reconsider the agreement and come up with a plan
that we all can work out regarding the cleanliness of our apartment.”

Letting Other People Know
How You Feel
While remaining cool
and collected, try to
explain your point of
view.
Use terms like “I feel”
and “I think” rather
than “It should be” or “It
must.”

Assertiveness is
More Than
Courage

Use good communication toUse good communication to
transmit your requests and feelings.transmit your requests and feelings.
Don’t Go Down the Passive
or Aggressive Road
PassivePassive AssertiveAssertive AggressiveAggressive

Reminder
Assertiveness =
Personal Authority
+ Confidence in Your Skills
+ Sense of Purpose
+ Commitment to Goals

 A good way to enforce what you’ve
learned is to role-play.
“The Play’s the
Thing…”
 Practice and feedback are essential to
discovering strengths and weaknesses,
as is having a chance to try
out your skills.

How to Be Assertive

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