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Conflict Resolution
      through
  Self Awareness

Philip J. Portelance, BA, MBA
Human Resource Professional
Experienced? Yes
   Expert? No
Conflict as a result of
                    Self Deception

                     Getting into “the box”

"...people respond not primarily to what you do but
                to how you're being...“

   ― Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box
What is Self Deception?
• An act contrary to what I feel I should do for
  another
• When I betray myself, I begin to see the world
  in a way that justifies my self-betrayal
• As a result of my self-justifying way, my view
  of reality becomes distorted and I enter “the
  box”
Signs of Self Deception
• Am I holding myself to the same standard I am
  demanding of others?
• Do I make others out to be worse than they really are just
  to feel justified?
• Does my need to be right blind me to the possibility that I
  may be wrong?
• If I feel as though I am being mistreated, will I miss the
  fact that I may be mistreating others?
• Does my need for justification obscure the truth?
Collusion
• When we are in “the box”, we will provoke
  others to be in “the box” too
• Mutual mistreatment and justification
Result is Conflict
   Lack of….           Introduction of….
 • Commitment              • Stress
 • Engagement          • Poor teamwork
  • Motivation           • Backbiting
    • Trust             • Bad attitudes
• Accountability     • Poor communication
Conflict Resolution through
               Self Awareness

     Getting out of “the box” and staying out!

“If we are going to find lasting solutions to difficult
    conflicts……we first need to find our way out of
  the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts,
         feelings and attitudes toward others.”
  ― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
What Doesn’t Work?
•   Trying to change others
•   Coping with others
•   Leaving the situation
•   Communicating
•   Implementing new skills or techniques
•   Changing my behaviour
Change Your Perception
•   See others as people, not objects
•   Change your motivation
•   Have empathy
•   Be genuine
Being Out of the Box
• Not resisting what is outside of our “box”
• Understanding that you may resist some while
  not others at the same time
• Not rushing to judgement
• Letting go of prejudices
• Appreciating others
• Honouring ourselves
Living Self Awareness
•   Live the principles, not the catch phrases
•   Try to be better, not perfect
•   Change yourself, your perceptions
•   Apologize and move forward
•   It’s about what you do right
•   It’s about what help you can provide
Using Self Awareness at Work
•   Leadership and Team Building
•   Conflict Resolution
•   Promoting Accountability
•   Professional Growth and Development
•   Managing Cultural Diversity
•   Organizational change
References
• Arbinger Institute
          http://www.arbinger.com/for-conflicts/approach/
• Dale Carnegie
         http://www.dalecarnegie.com/conflict_resolution/
• International Association for Conflict Management
                   http://www.iacm-conflict.org/
Questions?

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Conflict Resolution And Self Awareness

  • 1. Conflict Resolution through Self Awareness Philip J. Portelance, BA, MBA Human Resource Professional
  • 2. Experienced? Yes Expert? No
  • 3. Conflict as a result of Self Deception Getting into “the box” "...people respond not primarily to what you do but to how you're being...“ ― Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box
  • 4. What is Self Deception? • An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another • When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal • As a result of my self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted and I enter “the box”
  • 5. Signs of Self Deception • Am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of others? • Do I make others out to be worse than they really are just to feel justified? • Does my need to be right blind me to the possibility that I may be wrong? • If I feel as though I am being mistreated, will I miss the fact that I may be mistreating others? • Does my need for justification obscure the truth?
  • 6. Collusion • When we are in “the box”, we will provoke others to be in “the box” too • Mutual mistreatment and justification
  • 7. Result is Conflict Lack of…. Introduction of…. • Commitment • Stress • Engagement • Poor teamwork • Motivation • Backbiting • Trust • Bad attitudes • Accountability • Poor communication
  • 8. Conflict Resolution through Self Awareness Getting out of “the box” and staying out! “If we are going to find lasting solutions to difficult conflicts……we first need to find our way out of the internal wars that are poisoning our thoughts, feelings and attitudes toward others.” ― Arbinger Institute, The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict
  • 9. What Doesn’t Work? • Trying to change others • Coping with others • Leaving the situation • Communicating • Implementing new skills or techniques • Changing my behaviour
  • 10. Change Your Perception • See others as people, not objects • Change your motivation • Have empathy • Be genuine
  • 11. Being Out of the Box • Not resisting what is outside of our “box” • Understanding that you may resist some while not others at the same time • Not rushing to judgement • Letting go of prejudices • Appreciating others • Honouring ourselves
  • 12. Living Self Awareness • Live the principles, not the catch phrases • Try to be better, not perfect • Change yourself, your perceptions • Apologize and move forward • It’s about what you do right • It’s about what help you can provide
  • 13. Using Self Awareness at Work • Leadership and Team Building • Conflict Resolution • Promoting Accountability • Professional Growth and Development • Managing Cultural Diversity • Organizational change
  • 14. References • Arbinger Institute http://www.arbinger.com/for-conflicts/approach/ • Dale Carnegie http://www.dalecarnegie.com/conflict_resolution/ • International Association for Conflict Management http://www.iacm-conflict.org/