Couples have the best chance of resolving conflict when they are able to communicate without becoming defensive.

1. Keys to Creating
Your Joyful Marriage
Communication & Conflict Resolution | Dr. Debi Smith

2. Today’s Topics include …
Communication Problems
Communication Styles
Communication Strategies
Resolving Conflict

3. Communication Problems:
Harsh Comments
When conversation
begins with a harsh
comment, there is a
94% chance that
things will go south.

4. Communication Problems:
Harsh Comments
Solution: Bring things
up sooner rather than
later to prevent anger
& resentment from
building into a harsh
comment.

5. Communication Problems:
Generalized Statements
“You always …”
“You never …”
“What’s wrong with
you?”

6. Communication Problems:
Generalized Statements
We use these phrases
to try to get a
response.
They never bring about
the response we’re
hoping for.

7. Communication Problems:
Criticism
Launching an attack on
your partner by
questioning his or her
character, intelligence,
and/or abilities.

8. Communication Problems:
Criticism
If you’re not getting the
response you need,
your partner probably
isn’t hearing what
you’re saying.
All he or she hears is
your anger.

9. Communication Problems:
Defensiveness
Reactive counter-
attacks intended for
self-protection.

10. Communication Problems:
Defensiveness
When you hear yourself
explaining or defending
your position, it’s
probably because
you’re feeling
overwhelmed, attacked,
and/or criticized.

11. Communication Problems:
Stonewalling
Withdrawing and/or
refusing to respond to
your partner.

12. Communication Problems:
Stonewalling
For men, it may be a
response to their own
confusion, being
overwhelmed, or trying
to defuse the situation.
For women, it feels like
he doesn’t care and
creates excessive anxiety
… and anger.

13. Communication Problems:
Stonewallling
Can be subtle …
refusing to talk.

14. Communication Problems:
Stonewalling
Or dramatic … pouting,
stomping out of the
room, slamming doors,
not speaking for days,
etc.

15. Communication Problems:
Stonewalling
The surprising thing
about stonewalling …
When a woman is the
one who stonewalls, it’s
actually more
damaging to the
relationship!

16. Communication Problems:
Contempt
Verbal
 Sarcasm
 Calling your spouse names

17. Communication Problems:
Contempt
Non-verbal
 Smirking
 Rolling your eyes

18. Communication Styles
The way you’ve learned
to handle STRESS will
determine your
communication style.

19. Communication Styles
How you express
yourself when you’re
stressed involves both
feelings & actions.
To communicate well,
you need to know your
respective styles.

20. Communication Styles: Feelings
Under stress, we get
anxious. Some more so
than others.
Stress can make us feel
anxious, worried,
concerne, frustrated,
trapped, or stuck.

21. Communication Styles: Feelings
On a scale ranging from
1 (calm) to 10 (very nervous),
how would you rate your
own level of anxiety when
you’re stressed?

22. Communication Styles: Feelings
On a scale ranging from
1 (calm) to 10 (very nervous),
how would you rate your
mate’s level of anxiety under
stress?

23. Communication Styles: Actions
Do you seek out other
people to help you with
your stress & anxiety?
Or do you pull away from
people & try to handle it on
your own?

24. Communication Styles: Secure Style
Secure individuals
experience lower
levels of anxiety.

25. Communication Styles: Secure Style
And when they do
feel anxious, they
seek out their
partner to talk
through things.

26. Communication Styles: Secure Style
After connecting
with one another,
secure individuals
feel less anxious.

27. Communication Styles: Building Security
“Seek first to understand,
then to be understood.”
~ Stephen Covey
“To speak without listening,
that is folly & shame.”
~ Proverbs
“It takes two to speak the truth …
one to speak & another to hear.”
~ Henry David Thoreau
“It is a luxury to be understood.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

28. Communication Strategies: Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a
valuable skill.
It is the ability to
express your
feelings & ask for
what you want from
one another.

29. Communication Strategies: Assertiveness
In successful
relationships, both
individuals tend to
be quite assertive.

30. Communication Strategies: Assertiveness
Don’t assume your
partner knows.
Share how you feel.
Avoid statements
that begin with the
word “you.”

31. Communication Strategies: Assertiveness
Ask clearly &
directly for what
you want.
Be positive &
respectful.

32. Communication Strategies:
Active Listening
Active listening is the
ability to let your partner
know you understand by
restating their message.
Good communication
depends on your ability to
carefully listen to the other
person.

33. Communication Strategies:
Active Listening
Don’t interrupt.
Restate what you heard.

34. Communication Strategies:
Active Listening
Restate the message
content & acknowledge
the speaker’s feelings.
This process lets the
speaker know if the
message was clearly
understood.

35. Let’s Practice: The Speaker
Think of something you’d like more of (or
less of) in your relationship.
Turn to your mate & say, “I wish we had
more (or less) _________ in our relationship. If
my wish came true, I would feel ______.”

36. Let’s Practice: The Listener
Listen carefully to your mate. Pay attention
to both words & feelings.
Then say, “You wish we had more (or less)
_________ in our relationship. If your wish
came true, you would feel ________. Did I get
it right? Did I miss anything?”

37. Conflict Resolution
You have the best
chance of resolving
conflict when you are
able to communicate
without becoming
defensive.

38. Steps for Conflict Resolution
1. Set aside time to talk.
2. Listen to one another
using the speaker-
listener technique.
Acknowledge your
mate’s feelings.

39. Steps for Conflict Resolution
3. Clearly define the
problem.
4. Talk about your own
contribution to the
problem.
5. Discuss past attempts
to resolve the conflict.

40. Steps for Conflict Resolution
6. Brainstorm about
possible solutions.
7. Evaluate possible
solutions & likely
outcomes.

41. Steps for Conflict Resolution
8. Agree on something to
try.
9. Evaluate the outcome.
10. Reward yourselves!

42. Let me know what you think @
www.YourJoyfulMarriage.com/contact
1. What did you like best about
this presentation?
2. What was the most helpful?
3. What would you like to add or
change?
Dr. Debi Smith

43. Additional Resources
A Godly Man: Born to Be a Hero
www.DrDebiSmith.com
A Wise Woman’s Guide
to Life & Love in the Kingdom
www.AWiseWomansGuide.com

44. DrDebiSmith