The document provides guidance on being assertive when communicating with others. It defines four main communicative attitudes: non-assertive, passive-aggressive, aggressive, and assertive. The assertive approach uses "I" messages to describe your feelings and needs without blaming others. The document outlines techniques for delivering assertive messages, including using facts over judgments, owning your feelings, and asking open-ended questions. It also provides examples of applying assertiveness in different situations through role-playing exercises.

1. ASSERTIVENESS
How to deliver your message with gentle impact
Howard Rokofsky
howard@rokofsky.com
www.rokofsky.com

2. 4 Communicative Attitudes
NON-ASSERTIVE (a.k.a. PASSIVE)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE (P/A)
AGGRESSIVE
ASSERTIVE

3. Use "I" Messages
An "I" message is made up of three parts:
Event – what, exactly, the other person has done or is doing (the behavior)
Feelings – what effect does their behavior have on your feelings?
Effect – result, what happened because of their behavior
Example: "When you come late to the meeting (event) it makes
me frustrated (feelings) because we have to repeat information
the rest of us have already heard (effect)."
Note: after the positive reaction, if appropriate, you can
follow up with a “you” question
With a proper “I” statement, you cannot be wrong!

4. “You” statements "I" statements
Blaming: "You make me so mad." "I feel angry when you _____."
Judging or labeling: "You are an
inconsiderate, hostile, arrogant creep."
"I feel betrayed when you criticize me in front of
others."
Accusing: "You don't care about me!" "I feel neglected when you avoid me."
Ordering: "You shut up!" "I feel annoyed when you make fun of me."
Questioning: "Why did you not give me
the promotion? That’s not fair."
"When I learn that I have not been chosen for a
promotion, I feel my work is not appreciated. I
would like to know my work is being noticed."
Arguing: "You don't know what you are
talking about."
"I feel convinced it is this way."
Sarcasm: "Of course, you are an expert!" "I would appreciate you a lot more if you were a
bit more humble."
Approving: "You are wonderful."
"You are attractive."
"I really am impressed with your _____ and
besides I like you. I am attracted to you."
Threatening: "You had better..." "I'd like it if you'd ..."
Moralizing: "You ought to ..." "I think it would be fair for you to..."
Analyzing: "You can't bear to leave your
mother!"
"I'm disappointed that you are so reluctant to
leave..."

5. "Own" your message
Acknowledge that your message is your own opinion and comes from
your own point of view.
Ask for feedback:
“How do you see this situation?”
“Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Do I understand the situation realistically?”
“What do you want to do?"

6. Four-Step Assertiveness Technique
Use when you want someone to change their
behavior (micro or macro)
1. Summarize the facts of the situation (shows your understanding)
2. Indicate your feelings about the situation
3. State your requirements (best with “If you...”)
4. Give reasons and benefits (or threat) to the other party, if appropriate

7. 1. “When you ________________" (mention the specific facts)
2. “I feel”/”It causes”/”It makes me feel” ______________ (state the
results of the other’s actions, e.g. discomfort, confusion, disruption)
3. “I would like you to”/ “If you would” _______________ (state your
requirements)
4. “Then we will be able to _____________” (e.g. work together more
productively, avoid misunderstanding...) = benefits
-OR-
“If you don’t, then _________________” (threat: what will happen if
you don’t follow my suggestion)
1. Summarize the facts
2. Indicate your feelings
3. State your requirements
4. Give reasons and benefits (or threat)

8. Wu-Wei Assertiveness Techniques
Repeat Technique: A persistent, unchanging verbal approach to
the problem. You basically ignore the manipulative traps of the
other person and repeat your point again in a calm voice.
Negative Declaration: admitting a mistake without apologizing.
Simply agree with – yet downplay – the criticism.
A: “Your behavior at the party was not acceptable”
B: “Yes, it was not one of my better evenings”

9. For coping with manipulative criticism
You can “cloud” the issue without denying or becoming defensive
A: “Sometimes it takes you too long to do your work.”
B: “ Yes, sometimes I am more productive than other times.”
A: “Maybe you should pay more attention to your time management.”
B: “Yes, there are times when I spend more time on a task, to be careful.”
A: “Well, maybe you need to work weekends.”
B: “OK, if I feel I need more hours to work on something, I will do that.”
Clouding
1. Agree with the part that is right (and ignore the rest)
2. Agree in probability
3. Agree in principle

10. Choose Assertive Words Carefully
Use factual descriptions instead of judgments
"This is sloppy work." (aggressive)
"The pages in this report are out of order." (assertive)
Avoid exaggerations
"You never are on time!" (aggressive)
"You were 15 minutes late today. That's the third time this week." (assertive)
Use "I" not "You"
"You really should show up on time." (aggressive)
"I think it’s really important that you show up on time."(Assertive)
Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and opinions
"He makes me angry." (denies ownership of feelings)
"I get angry when he breaks his promises." (assertive and owns feelings)
When probing, ask OPEN-ENDED questions:
"Why do you think would happen?", "What is it about my... that bothers you?“
When proving your point, you can ask yes/no questions.

11. Practice your assertiveness
1. A criticizes B’s performance (choose any). Take turns in the role.
2. A (the bigger boss) insults B in the presence of B’s subordinates.
3. A asks B to speak more softly. B doesn’t want to.
4. A interrupts B (either team mate or boss) repeatedly with trivial matters.
5. A (the boss) criticizes B, who screwed up a request for info on an order, and lost a customer.
6. A asks B to do some additional work, B refuses to accept the extra work. You can choose if A is the boss, or if they are same
level in the team.
7. A asks B for help. B is a ‘difficult’ colleague (disgruntled, jaded, sarcastic, unhelpful, etc.)
8. A tells B (partner, subordinate, etc., anyone) that B has been doing things incorrectly.
9. Dealing with a partner (or anyone you want) who is trying to change the rules in the relationship, business deal, etc.
10. A misses deadlines, shows up late, etc., despite previous warnings. B, the boss, gives feedback.
11. Someone cuts in front of you in the line/queue. In Round 2, A is the cashier and you see B cutting the queue. A tells B to go
to the end of the queue. B is in a big hurry (think up a minor emergency)...
12. A’s colleague B obviously has something on their mind – but won’t verbalize the problem. A tries to get B to talk.
13. During a phone call, A wants to talk more about something important, but B is busy and wants to terminate the
conversation. Be mindful of the time, take turns.
14. During a meeting, A continues to interrupt B when speaking. A is more informed than B, but from a different team which is
less important/essential to this discussion.
15. A isn’t doing their “fair share” of a joint assignment. B (team mate) wants A to do better.
16. A returns an purchased item at the shop for a refund. The item is obviously used. B (employee/manager) does not want to
refund the money.
17. A is pressuring B to commit to/buy/promise something – and B is not ready to make a decision.
1. define any details
2. role-play through the situation
3. switch roles (same or new issue)
Consider typical issues that require assertive behavior, and

12. 1. To decide how to lead my life, pursue my own goals and establish my own priorities.
2. To my own values, beliefs, opinions and emotions, no matter what another’s opinion is.
3. To change, enhance, or develop my life in any way I determine.
4. To not have to justify or explain my actions or feelings to others.
5. To take the time I need to formulate my ideas before expressing them.
6. To tell others how I wish to be treated.
7. To say "No", "I don't know", "I don't understand", or even "I don't care".
8. To ask for information or help.
9. To change my mind, make a mistake, and sometimes act illogically – with full understanding and
acceptance of the consequences.
10. To sometimes do less than I am capable of.
10 Rights to Being Assertive

13. Here are some techniques that help you convey a positive assertive attitude:
• Use suitable facial expressions, maintain 80% eye contact.
• Keep a firm but pleasant voice.
• Pay attention to your posture and gestures.
• Calmly ask questions for clarification.
• If necessary, keep repeating your message.
• Keep calm and stick to the point
• Respect the rights of the other person
• Listen... and let them know you’ve heard what they said.
ACTION PLAN

15. Use the Reactions at the bottom of your Zoom screen, to the right.
Hand means you vote yes.
Raise hand = you want to say/ask something, or
Say “Hello?” = if you want to ask / say
something anytime
“Hello?” / “Hi”