2. 2
Learning Outcomes
By the end of this training you will be able to:
1. Name the five ingredients of assertiveness
2. Describe what assertiveness is
3. Identify situations where you would like to
improve your assertiveness
4. Learn to say NO
5. Why to concentrate on self-esteem
3. 3
What is assertiveness?
Definition of Assertiveness : It is the quality of being
self-assured and confident without being aggressive. It is
learnable skill and mode of communication
Assertiveness is based on balance :
When you are assertive - you ask for what you want but
you don't necessarily get it.
4. Why to be assertive?
1. Get to "win-win" more easily
2. Are better problem solvers
3. Are less stressed
4. Are doers
4
7. 7
Assertiveness Quiz
1. You are at a store and order a chicken raw, but
it is served to you well-done. You would:
a) Accept it since you sort of like it well-done
anyway.
b) Angrily refuse the chicken and insist on seeing
the manager to complain about the poor service.
c) Call the person and indicate you ordered for
chicken raw, then turn it back.
8. 8
Assertiveness Quiz
2. You are a customer waiting in line to be served.
Suddenly, someone steps in line ahead of you. You
would:
a) Let the person be ahead of you since he/she is
already in line.
b) Pull the person out of line and make him/her go
to the back.
c) Indicate to the person that you are in line and
point out where it begins.
9. 9
Assertiveness Quiz
3. After walking out of a store where you purchased
some items you discover you were short-changed.
You would:
a) Let it go since you are already out of the store and
have no proof you were short-changed.
b) Go to the manager and indicate how you were
cheated by the salesman, then demand the proper
change.
c) Return to the salesman and inform him of the error.
10. 10
Assertiveness Quiz
4. You are in the middle of watching a very
interesting television program when your spouse
comes in and asks you for a favor. You would:
a) Do the favor as quickly as possible, then return to
the program to finish watching it.
b) Say "no," then finish watching your program.
c) Ask if it can wait until the program is over and, if
so, do it then.
11. 11
Assertiveness Quiz
5. A friend drops in to say hello, but stays too
long, preventing you from finishing an important
work project. You would:
a) Let the person stay, then finish your work
another time.
b) Tell the person to stop bothering you and to get
out.
c) Explain your need to finish your work and
request he/she visit another time.
12. 12
Assertiveness Quiz
6. You ask a petrol pump attendant for 500 INR
worth of petrol. However, he fills up your tank by
mistake and asks for 2000 INR. You would:
a) Pay the 2000 INR since the petrol is already in
your tank and you will eventually need it anyway.
b) Demand to see the manager and protest being
ripped off.
c) Indicate you only requested 500 worth of petrol
and give him only 500 INR .
13. 13
Assertiveness Quiz
7. You suspect someone of harboring a grudge
against you, but you don't know why. You would:
a) Pretend you are unaware of his/her anger and
ignore it, hoping it will correct itself.
b) Get even with the person somehow so he/she will
learn not to hold grudges against you.
c) Ask the person if they are angry, then try to be
understanding.
14. 14
Assertiveness Quiz
8. You bring your car to a garage for repairs and
receive a written estimate. But later, when you pick
up your car, you are billed for additional work and for
an amount higher than the estimate. You would:
a) Pay the bill since the car must have needed the extra
repairs anyway.
b) Refuse to pay, then complain to the Motor Vehicle
Department or the Consumer Forum.
c) Indicate to the manager that you agreed only to the
estimated amount, then pay only that amount.
15. 15
Assertiveness Quiz
9. You invite a good friend to your house for a
dinner party, but your friend never arrives and
neither calls to cancel nor to apologize. You would:
a) Ignore it, but manage not to show up the next
time your friend invites you to a party.
b) Never speak to this person again and end the
friendship.
c) Call your friend to find out what happened.
16. 16
Assertiveness Quiz
10. You are in a group discussion at work which
includes your boss. A co-worker asks you a question
about your work, but you don't know the answer.
You would:
a) Give your co-worker a false, but plausible answer
so your boss will think you are on top of things.
b) Do not answer, but attack your co-worker by asking
a question you know he/she could not answer.
c) Indicate to your co-worker you are unsure just now,
but offer to give him/her the information later.
17. 1. Passive : Chooses to be the victim
Believes in: You’re Okay, I’m not Okay.
2. Passive /Aggressive : Chooses to be the victim and
creates victims
Believes in: I’m not so Okay and neither are you!
3. Aggressive : Creates victims.
Believes in: I’m Okay. You’re not so Okay
4. Assertive : There are no victims.
Believes in: I’m Okay. You’re Okay too.
Behavioral Types
17
18. 18
Styles of Communication
• Passive
• Passive/Aggressive
• Aggressive
• Assertive Activity : Role Play
along with mimicry
19. 19
What is your Personality type?
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
ASSERTIVE
Let’s find out
20. 20
Passive Communicators
• Soft voice
• Overly agreeable, no point of view expressed
• Avoidance
• Withdrawn body language
• Sound unsure
• Beat around the bush
• Sound hopeless or helpless
21. 21
Passive-Aggressive
• Appears to agree but really does not agree
• Tells others but not the source of the concern
• Makes subtle digs and sarcastic remarks
• Keeps score, sets conditions
• Nonverbal message contradicts the verbal message
• Holds back expressing concerns or providing
assistance
• Criticizes after the fact
22. 22
Some Passive/Passive-Aggressive
“Uh…if that is the way you
want to do it…hmm, that
is fine with me.”
“I don’t know if I could do
that.”
“I’ll talk to him soon about
that problem; I’ve just
been really busy.”
“I’m sorry to ask you.”
“Maybe that’s a good idea.”
“I knew that wouldn’t work.”
“If that’s the way you want
it…”
“How could you even think
that?”
“ When was the last time you
helped me?”
“The problem with Joe is…”
Passive Passive-Aggressive
24. 24
Assertive
• Takes responsibility & initiative
• Speaks up, is direct and constructive
• Assumes a confident voice and body language
• Addresses concerns directly to the source
• Requests needs
• Listens actively
• Shows sincerity
• Is solutions focused
25. 25
Some Aggressive & Assertive
“You must…”
“Because I said so.”
“You idiot!”
“You always…”
“You never…”
“Who screwed this up?”
“Yes, that was my mistake.”
“As I understand your point…”
“Let me explain why I disagree
with that point.”
“Let’s define the issue and then
explore some options to help
resolve it.”
“Please hear me out and then
work with me to resolve my
concern.”
Aggressive Assertive
26. 26
Five Ingredients of Assertiveness
1. Listen
2. Demonstrate you understand
3. Say what YOU think and feel
4. Say specifically what you want
5. Work out joint solutions and consequences
27. 27
Why we find it hard to say “No”
1. You want to help
2. Afraid of being rude
3. Wanting to be agreeable
4. Fear of conflict
5. Fear of lost opportunities
6. Not burning bridges
28. 28
Learn to Say NO
1. Have a reason for saying no
2. When you want to have some
time to yourself
3. To keep your stress levels
down
4. Remember you aren't
responsible for everyone and
everything
5. You don't have what the other
person needs
29. 29
Positive ways of Saying No
1.“I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at
the moment.”
2.“Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of
something. How about we reconnect at X time?”
3.“I’d love to do this, but …”
4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”
5.“This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to
keep you in mind.”
6.“I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t
you try X?”
7.“No, I can’t.”
30. 30
Different ways of Saying No
1. Your Natural No
This is your own personal way you say NO
2. Reflective Listening, Then No!
Reflect back the content and feeling of the
request and then say no.
3. The Reasoned No
Say no and give a succinct reason for it.
4. The Rain-Check No
Say no this time, but suggest that the other person asks again.
31. 31
Different ways of Saying No
7. The Celebrative No
This is a dramatic gesture to signify refusal
5. The Broken Record
For use with very aggressive or manipulative
people (e.g. sales people). Simply use a one-
sentence refusal and repeat it no matter
what the other says.
6. The Flat No
Rarely used by assertive persons
but simply saying “no” is appropriate at times.
33. 33
Four Personality Model - DISC
DISC is a personality model based on the work of
psychologist William Marston.
Marston found that observable behavioral
characteristics can be grouped into four major
personality types.
34. 34
Exploring DISC
DISC itself is purely an acronym for the four personality
types which are:
• Dominance – which relates to control, power and
assertiveness
• Influence – which relates to social situations and
communication
• Steadiness – which relates to patience, persistence, and
thoughtfulness
• Compliance – which relates to structure and organization
What is your Personality Type ?
Let us explore
37. 37
Self-Esteem Benefits / Risks
Benefits of High Self Esteem:
Increased respect for yourself
Increased ability to reach goals
Increased willingness to try new things
Increased feelings of value
Risks of Low Self Esteem:
Vulnerable to peer pressure
More likely to make unhealthy decisions
More likely to be critical of self and others
Increased risk of depression and suicide
38. 38
Assertive– Body Language
1. Increase participation, look like you’re listening
2. To connect instantly with someone, shake hands
3. To stimulate good feelings, smile
4. To show agreement, mirror expressions and
postures
5. To improve your speech, use soft gestures
6. To learn the truth, watch people’s feet
7. To sound authoritative, keep your voice down
8. To improve your memory, uncross your arms and
legs
39. 39
Tips for building Self-Esteem
1. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses
2. Develop a support system of friends
3. Practice positive self-talk
4. Practice good health habits
5. Avoid doing things just to “go along with the crowd.”
40. 40
Tips for building Self-Esteem
6. Give credit where credit is due.
7. Set short-term goals that will strengthen your
weaknesses
8. Don’t be afraid to try something new.
9. Nothing puts things in perspective better that
volunteering for those in need does
41. RE-CAP
41
• Be assertive , not aggressive
• Saying No at the right time prevents millions of
problems
• Don’t say Yes when you want to say No!
Thank you!
Editor's Notes
Low volume, hard to hear. Agrees with you to keep everything nice. Thinks the way to deal with a concern is to avoid dealing with it. No direct eye contact. Does not present a confident posture. Uses language such as “ perhaps, maybe, or hopefully”. “I don’t know if this idea will help.” They never state the point clearly and directly. You may hear a lot of I cant's and I don’t knows such that no plan of action or possible solution is introduced. “I tried that once, but it didn’t work, so what can you do?”
One of the common behaviors of passive-aggressiveness is that the speaker sounds as though he or she is going along with or agreeing to something, but his or her actions that follow don’t show support or commitment. Instead, the passive-aggressive speaker claims that any agreement was actually a misunderstanding, or the speaker carries out actions that are contrary to the supposed commitment. They do not deal directly with concerns about others. Complaining about that person to other people- behind that person’s back- is a common way to handle concerns. Many a truth is said in jest, especially by passive-aggressive communicators. Put-downs are concealed with sarcasm. When the speaker uses no sarcasm, his or her tone may be condescending and hurtful to the person hearing it. Often the passive-aggressive speaker expresses displeasure not through words but through nonverbal means, such as rolling the eyes, shaking the head, or making sighs of disgust. Cooperation comes with limitations or conditions. Memories are long and forgiveness is short. Another tactic of the passive-aggressive is to settle the score by giving you the silent treatment, not showing up when help is needed, sabotaging your efforts behaind the scenes, and sending harsh messages via e-mail. Stated words sound positive, but body language or tone of voice gives the words the opposite meaning. “Everything is fine” means that something is wrong. “Nothing is bothering me” means that something is bothering me. “That’s a good idea” means that it isn’t and so on.Witholds information or other forms of support when others can use it to get a job done. In addition, he or she holds emotions in, although you may get a sense of them in the speaker’s body language or from implied negative messages. Nothing is said directly, and when asked about a concern or issue, the response is usually “Never mind,” or “ No big deal.”
Second-guessing or Armchair quarterbacking. After an event or action has taken place, they respond with what you should’ve done or what you did wrong- sometimes even when you requested input beforehand and he or she gave none. This communication style is very quick to pass judgement.
Aggressive communicators are quick to find fault and focus on the wrongs that the other person supposedly committed. Pointing fingers, moving closer to you, getting in your face to argue a point, or pounding on a table with his or her fist. They tell you what you MUST do. Voice gets louder and the tone becomes sharper. Aggressive communicators focus on the person more than the issue. The language is often filled with a lot of you insuts and, at times, with profanity. Tact or diplomacy is tossed aside. When you disagree with an aggressive communicator, it often turns into a competition. The way to win is not to listen, to interrupt, talk louder, and verbally attack the other person.
No excuses, no woe-is-me language, no blaming others for problems. Assertive communicators are responsible for his or her own actions. They accept what has happened and focus on what needs to be done next. If something need to happen, he or she takes the initiative to get the process rolling- no waiting for others what to say what to do and when to act. Assertiveness allows for two-way conversation. Show a willingness to hear the other person out and understand his or her point of view. If a point needs to be made or a thought needs to be expressed, an assertive communicator speaks up. He or she states the point directly without beating around the bush. Assertive speakers use language constructively; that is, they communicate the message in the best way possible and make the point clearly. The language4 focuses on the issue at hand. When you express yourself sincerely, you say what you mean and mean what you say- and do so with respect for others. In problem situations, an assertive person takes a problem-solving approach. He or she examines the problem, not ot blame or find fault with anyone but ot understand the issue and move toward developing a solution. Creating the solution becomes the main focus in working with others. The voice of an assertive speaker sounds strong, certain, and firm when needed. Posture, gestures, and facial expressions support his or her message. He or she sounds and looks alive when speaking, coming across nonverbally as positive and enthusiastic to an appropriate degree. Assertive people address issues directly to the source as opposed to telling others about the problem. No browbeating or blaming occurs. The assertive person ASKS for or requests what is needed, unlike the Aggressive who demands or orders.
