2. Chapter 4: Listening in
Interpersonal Communication
History Repeats itself because no one listens the
first time. ~ unknown
Education is the ability to listen to
almost anything without losing your
temper or your self – confidence.
~ Robert Frost, Poet
3. “We have two ears and one
mouth so that we can listen
twice as much as we speak.”
5. Consider your day!
You listen:
•At home
•At work
•At school
•With friends
•With family
Q: How much do you really hear?
Professionals listen:
•Doctors
•Lawyers
•Contractors
•Management
Q: How much do they really hear?
6. 6 Forms of Nonlistening
1) Pseudolistening
2) Monopolizing
3) Selective listening
4) Defensive listening
5) Ambushing
6) Literal listening
7. Forms of Nonlistening
1. Pseudolistening
• Pretending to listen
• Happens when we are
bored, but want
to appear interested
Indicators:
• Responses that don’t make sense
• Confusion, when called upon in class
• Asking to have some repeat what they said, or
asking questions about informaiton that was given.
8. Forms of Nonlistening
2. Monopolizing
•Focusing on ourselves
Instead of listening to others.
Tactics:
•Conversation rerouting –
Bringing conversation back to ourselves.
•Interrupting – questions and challenges to speaker to
divert conversation in another direction
9. Forms of Nonlistening
3) Selective listening
Focusing on particular parts
of a conversation.
Examples:
•If a professor says “this will be on the exam”
•Things we aren’t interested in.
•Ideas or information we don’t agree with or make us
uneasy.
•Information that is critical to us or our loved ones.
10. Forms of Nonlistening
4) Defensive listening
Perceiving information as personal attacks,
Criticism, or hostility in communication that is
not.
•We read motives into whatever a person says
•We perceive negative judgment in innocent comments
•Other instances are over specific topics, vulnerable times,
or having low self esteem
Tip: We can miss important information and can turn people off
from being honest with us.
11. Forms of Nonlistening
6) Literal listening – Listening
only for the content and
Ignoring the relationship level.
•Power
•Responsiveness
•Liking between two people
•We are insensitive to people’s feelings and our
connection to them.
12. Forms of Nonlistening
5) Ambushing
•Literal listening carefully for
purpose of attacking a speaker.
•This involves careful listening,
unlike the other forms of
communication.
•Intent to gather information to attack.
13. Listening to Succeed
We are a nation of poor listeners!
Immediately after
hearing a message, most
people retain 50% of
content.
Two months later most
people remember 25% of
Sperry Rand Corporation content.
estimates that every year (if)
100 million workers in the
Interesting research,
United States – made a $100 Nichols (University of
error because of a listening Minnesota) found 95%
mistake, The cost to United out of 100% males better
States = $1 billion. listeners than females.
14. Listening Professor Alton Barbour, University of Denver,
conducted a country-wide survey of many industries
“Listening Habits That Irritate Me.”
1. The other person interrupts me when I talk.
2. The other person doesn't’t look at me when I talk, so I
am not sure if he or she is listening.
3. The other person talks down to me.
4. The other person does distracting things when talking to
me (texting, picking fingernails, cleaning glasses,
fidgeting with pencils, looking at watch, etc.)
Other:?
16. Levels of Listening
• Hearing – You comprehend the spoken word,
but do not often react. (half-listening)
• Listening – Paying attention in more detail–
interpreting what you hear.
• Auding or Mindfulness – Highest level of
listening (involves one or more avenues of
thought.)
18. Types of Listening: Hearing
Most of us are all born with the ability to hear
• People who have hearing challenges receive messages visually through writing,
lip reading, and American Sign Language (ASL). Before ASL there was Helen
Keller Sign Language.
24. The Listening Process
How do we organize?
• We organize based by prototypes, personal constructs, stereotypes, scripts, and
schemata.
We select meaning by how we select and organize communication – Perceptions should be
tentative and open to revision.
As we listen, we decide how to categorize:
1) Which prototype (who does the speaker closely resemble.) a good friend, person in
trouble, student, teacher, etc.
2) Then we apply the personal constructs to define more detail (are they upset or calm,
open to advice or closed to it.)
3) Based on the construct of others, we apply stereotypes (how has this person reacted in
the past. Or how this situation similar to others) that predict what they will do.
4) We then apply the script (how the interaction should proceed, including how we should
act.)
5) Lastly, the schemata organize help us figure out how to respond to others.
• A psychology concept developed by Piaget, describes an organized pattern of thought or
behavior. It can also be described as a mental structure of preconceived ideas, a
framework representing some aspect of the world, or a system of organizing and
perceiving new information.
• Schemata influence attention and the absorption of new knowledge: people are more
likely to notice things that fit into their schema, while re-interpreting contradictions to the
schema as exceptions or distorting them to fit. Schemata have a tendency to remain
unchanged, even in the face of contradictory information.
26. Auding - Mindfulness
BE HERE NOW
•We don’t let our thoughts drift.
•We do not focus on our
feelings and responses.
•We put away electronic devices
and or stop any activities that can
get in the way.
“The present moment is filled with joy and
happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it” •We fully tune in (without imposing
our ideas, judgments, biases,
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step: stereotypes, prejudices, values,
The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life and feelings)
•It’s a choice to be mindful
27. Barriers to Effective Listening
1. External obstacles
– Message overload – Too much information!
(Class information, emails, text message,
voice mail, work) We have to screen or
prioritize
– Message complexity – Complex messages,
topics (science, economics, math classes.
Technical words, complex sentences with
idioms or slang expressions.)
28. Barriers to Effective Listening
2. Internal obstacles - Preoccupation – with our
own thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
3. Prejudging communicator or the
communication:
• You dislike or disagree with speaker
• You anticipate what the person will say and
then you tune them out.(Especially
politicians who hold different views from
our own)
• You prejudge others based on culture,
religion, age, sex or race.
29. Barriers to Effective Listening
2. Internal obstacles - Preoccupation – with our
own thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
3. Prejudging communicator or the
communication:
• You dislike or disagree with speaker
• You anticipate what the person will say and
then you tune them out.(Especially
politicians who hold different views from
our own)
• You prejudge others based on culture,
religion, age, sex or race.
30. Barriers to Effective Listening
3. Reacting to emotionally loaded language – Words and
phrases that evoke a strong response, positive or
negative. We often attack the other person or tune out.
“You should,” “Liberal,” “Far Right,” “Family Values,”
“Everyone or Everybody”
What are your triggers?
– Lack of effort – It is hard to listen (especially when noise
and physiological conditions.)
When this happens tell person you are tired, or want to
discuss difficult topics later.
4. Failure to adapt listening styles – Different skills for
different people, situations, settings, etc.
31. Barriers to Effective Listening
5. Rehearsing a Response - This barrier is perhaps the most
difficult to overcome.
• We spend time rehearsing what we will say before the other
person is finished speaking.
• One of the reasons is the Speech-rate-ratio: The difference
between speech rate and thought rate.
32.
33. Steps for being a more
Effective Listener
• Stop
• Look
• Listen
• Ask questions
• Paraphrase content
• Paraphrase feelings
34. Steps for Being a more Effective
Listener
• Eliminate distractions so you can concentrate and give speaker full attention.
• Be present - (eliminate self talk/intrapersonal communication)
Look:
• Listen to what isn’t being said as an additional component.
• Look for nonverbal clues that will help you understand what the speaker is feeling.
• The face provides the most important information about how the person is feeling.
Body also communicates feelings and emotions.
• The person’s voice quality, pitch, rate, volume, and use of silence also give
information on how the person is feeling.
35. Steps to Being a More Effective
Listener
Listen:
• Listen for what another person is telling you
• You may not always agree with what the person is saying, but try to give
them a chance to be heard
• Match verbal with the nonverbal to decipher both the content and
emotion of the person’s message (Incongruence – When nonverbal and
verbal don’t match – past experience helps.)
If a person you are talking with says “Im OK” but nonverbal doesn’t match…
take an opportunity to learn more.
36. Steps to Being a More
Effective Listener
Ask Questions:
• Help others to focus by using questions that clarify perceptions.
Four purposes of questions:
1. To obtain additional information
2. To find out how a person feels
3. To ask for clarification of a word or phrase
4. To verify your conclusion about the person’s meaning are
feeling.
Tip: Ask “How” not “Why” questions. “How do you feel about that?”
vs. “Why do you feel that way?”Or “How did that happen?” vs.
“Why did that happen.”
37. Steps to Being a More Effective
Listener
Paraphrase Content:
• After the person is done talking (Don’t interrupt) Restate in
your own words what you think the other person is saying.
(Different from parroting)
• The goal of active listening is understand both the feelings and
the content of another person’s feelings.
Paraphrase Feelings:
• You could follow your paraphrase with a comment on feeling,
such as “ I imagine you must be feeling ______(frustrated,
confused, happy, sad, perplexed, etc.) Followed with “Is that
true.”
• Give the person a chance to respond to your paraphrase.
• Slow down responses to match the speaker’s pace and processing of information. (Best way to connect with people is to match their use of words, and communication style)
38. Practice Paraphrasing
• I think we’re seeing too much of each other
• I really like communication, but what could I do with the
major?
• I don’t know if Pat and I are getting too serious too fast
• You can borrow my car, if you really need to, but please be
careful with it. I can afford any repairs and if you have an
accident, I won’t be able to drive home this weekend.
39. Practice Paraphrasing
• I think we’re seeing too much of each other (Do I hear you
saying that you want some more space or time for yourself?)
• I really like communication, but what could I do with the
major? (I get the sense that you are struggling with career
choices now, is that right?”
• I don’t know if Pat and I are getting too serious too fast.(I hear
some hesitancy about your relationship with Pat, yes?)
• You can borrow my car, if you really need to, but please be
careful with it. I can afford any repairs and if you have an
accident, I won’t be able to drive home this weekend. (It
seems like your car is very important to you right now.)
41. Listening – The “D” formula
• DDOT – Don’t do other tasks (cleaning glasses,
shuffling papers, doodling – one brain process – can
really only focus on one task at a time.
• DMP – Don’t make plans – Extra listening time gives
people the illusion the can make plans, shopping
lists, etc. – doing this directs the brain to stop
listening.
• DD – Don’t daydream – More powerful than DMP –
As soon as we start daydreaming the brain stops
listening. (It is enjoyable and beneficial – but not
when listening.)
42. Guidelines for Effective Listening
• Form an acronym – Chunking information
1. Write the facts you need to remember.
2. Underline the first letter of each fact. If there is more than one word in a fact,
underline the first letter of only the first word in the fact.
3. Arrange the underlined letters to form an acronym that is a real word word you can
pronounce.
Examples:
• "HOMES" – The five Great Lakes: Michigan, Erie,
• Superior, Ontario, Huron
• Order of Operations in Math
