This is a summary of a book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish titled, "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk". In this book, they give some tips on how to help children deal with their feeling, to engage their cooperation, to encourage their autonomy and also some alternatives for punishment.

1. A Book Review
Nurkholis Ainunnajib
Jakarta, Indonesia

2. Contents
Helping
Children
Deal with
Their
Feeling
Engaging
Cooperation
Alternatives
to
Punishment
Encouraging
Autonomy
Praise
Freeing
Children
from Playing
Roles

3. Engaging Cooperation

4. Typical responses from parents (or teachers)
“Your dirty fingerprints
are on the door again!
Why do you always do
that?The trouble with
you is you never listen!
“You are supposed to
write three sentences
using adverbs of
manner; not irregular
verbs. How dumb can
you get?
“If you don’t spit that
gum out this minute,
I’m going to open your
mouth and take it out!
Blaming & Accusing Name-calling Threats

5. Typical responses from parents (or teachers)
“You still didn’t do the
instruction? What are
you waiting for? Do it
NOW!”
“Why can’t you be
more like your friend?
He always gets his
work done ahead of
time!”
“Just keep on being
selfish.You’ll see, no
one is ever gonna play
with you.You’ll have
no friends.”
Commands Comparisons Threats

6. Is there any alternative for those statements?
1. Describe. Describe what you see, or
describe the problem.
2.Give information
3.Say it with a word
4.Talk about your feelings
5.Write a note

7. Let’s compare these examples!

8. Let’s compare these examples!

10. Let’s compare these examples!

12. Some considerations to think about:
- When you start to change, there might be a transition period. Be
ready for unpleasant responses from your children or students.
- When you’ve reminded them for the second or third time and no
reaction from them, stop. Instead, find out from him if you’ve been
heard.
- Reply “Sure, I will do it later” with “When is that?”
- Choose the strategies that suit their age. Or combine the
strategies.
- Some teenagers prefer “The OneWord Statement” to your lecture.
- Yet, they don’t like their name to be “The OneWord Statement”
- Try to change your “NO”

13. And
Some Alternatives to “NO”
Give information (and leave out the “No”)
Describe the problem
Give yourself time to think
Accept feelings
When possible, change it into a “Yes”

14. Let’s be Reflective!
•Have you ever done or said something unpleasant
to your kids to engage their cooperation? What
was that?
•If you were given a second chance, what would
you do/say to your kids?

15. People have asked us, “If I use these skills appropriately, will my children
always respond?” our answer is: We would hope not. Children aren’t robots.
Besides, our purpose is not to set forth a series of techniques to manipulate
behavior so that the children always respond.
Our purpose is to speak to what is best in our children—their intelligence,
their initiative, their sense of responsibility, their sense of humor, their
ability to be sensitive to the needs of others.
We want to demonstrate the kind of respectful communication that we
hope our children will use with us—now, during their adolescent years, and
ultimately as our adult friends.
--- Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish ---