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Alison Lowman
Plymouth Argyle Football in the Community Trust
Welcome to
‘Talking with Teenagers’
Talking with Teenagers
Men are from Mars
Women are from Venus
Teenagers are from
another universe
altogether !
How did we get from this
to this !
Talking with Teenagers
What do you want to get out of
the workshop today?
Confidentiality
In order to feel comfortable please understand that anything shared in
discussion remains within this room
Talking with Teenagers
This workshop is about understanding
and appreciating the situations you and
your teenagers are in so that you can
make more empowering choices
Talking with Teenagers
It is not about getting teenagers
to do what you want by turning
them into perfect teen-robots
who automatically obey and
respect you simply because you
are their parent.
Talking with Teenagers
Remember
The only person you can control is
yourself.
We cannot necessarily make
anyone else do anything
Talking with Teenagers
What is different about teenage years?
0-6 Teacher role - child learns from you everything
they need to know and usually they want to
7-12 Manager role – organising. Not learning to read
but reading to learn. Learns from a much wider social
context
13 + Coaching role- Life outside of family has a
greater impact and you have been fired as manger. “I can
make my own decisions !!!” Your role is to find your role
and provide guidance and advice.
What is behind teenage behaviour?
Talking with Teenagers
A key principle of NLP
Emotions are facts.
Emotions, even if self generated will affect behaviour and
communication on a daily basis. You interpret all of your
experiences through a filter of emotional interpretation.
You create your own internal map of reality
Hormones
•Testosterone, Oestrogen – drive body
changes in adolescence
•THP (allopregnanolone)
calms anxiety in adults
Increases anxiety in adolescents.
Cerebellum. Motor activity, posture, movement. Continues to
develop into late adolescence.
Pineal gland. Produces melatonin – sleep hormone. Rhythm
changes in adolescence.
Right ventral striatum. Motivates reward seeking behaviour.
prompts extreme, risky behaviour? Emotional motivation
Prefrontal cortex. Executive functioning, impulse control.
Developing into early 20’s. Over-ridden by amagdala
Brain development
Social Context
Robert Epstein;
The case against adolescence.
“Teenagers are trying to break away from
adults, rather than become adults…”
 Excluded from adult institutions.
 Treated as incompetent.
 Denied freedom of choice.
Three tasks of development
 Rationality
 Morality
 Identity
Rationality – Jean Piaget
•Children and adults reason differently
•Four stages – each builds on the former
•Final stage continues into adulthood
•Mechanism is peer interaction / reflection
Morality – Lawrence Kohlberg
•Six stages
Because you said so
You scratch my back...
I want you to want me
All for one
With God on our side
Get my halo ready, here I come.
•Development continues into
adulthood
•Mechanism is peer interaction,
reflection
Identity – Erik Erikson
 Five stages of personality
development-
security…
autonomy…
initiative…
competence…
Identity
 Process – editing narrative of
life experience, including
feedback from others
Group exercise:
same needs, different stages
Things
children
do that
adults
don’t
Things
adults do
that
children
don’t
Things teens
do that adults
would prefer
they didn’t
Human givens
 The starting point to understanding
human givens is … that all living
things have to take nutriment from
the environment to develop and
sustain themselves. We can easily
identify each nutriment because
when we are born nature makes us
feel a need for it.
Human givens
 We are all born with essential
physical and emotional needs.
These needs … are our common
biological inheritance, whatever our
cultural background.
 Whenever our emotional needs are
not met, or when our resources are
being used incorrectly, we suffer
considerable distress. And so do
those around us.
Our emotional needs include…
 Security (stable home life and a safe territory to live in);
 Intimacy and friendship;
 To give and receive attention;
 A sense of autonomy and control;
 To feel connected to others and be part of a wider
community;
 To feel competent which comes from successful learning
and effectively applying skills
 Privacy (to reflect on and consolidate our experiences)
 To be ‘stretched’ in what we do, from which comes our
sense that life is meaningful.
Group exercise:
same needs, different stages
Things
children
do that
adults
don’t
Things
adults do
that
children
don’t
Things
teenagers do
that adults
would prefer
they didn’t
Essential
emotional needs
Talking with Teenagers
A Key principle of NLP
There are no difficult children, just difficult relationships and
inflexible adults.
‘Difficult’ children are those you give up on when you cease to be
flexible in you response and communication. Resistance is not so
much an attribute of them but more a measure of your inflexibility
of response.
This can be hard to believe, but experiment with pretending that
you believe it and see……..
Talking with Pre-teens
Another key principle of NLP
Every behaviour has a positive intention behind it.
‘Whatever it seems like to you, their behaviour is intended to be
useful to them or to protect their well being. Try to interpret the
underlying message from the behaviour and not the behaviour
itself.
What need does the individual think will be met by acting in this
way?
Talking with Pre-teens
BREAK
Talking with Teenagers
Most common complaint is that no one listens to them
Talking to - Talking with - Listening to
Using positive language to set the tone
Don’t think about your feet
Talking with Teenagers
Try these - think of another way to say
•Don’t walk in here with muddy shoes
•Get your feet off the table
•The music’s too loud
•You’re wrong
•That skirt is too short
•I’m busy
•If you don’t do your homework you’ll fail your exam
•You can’t go to see Sue today because she’s at work
Talking with Teenagers
Who is talking to whom?
Say ‘with’ or ‘we talk about’
How long is this going to go on for?
Arrange a time/place/limit
Talking with Teenagers
Some strategies
Activity – using strategies
Describe
Give Information
Say one word
Talk about your feelings
Talking with Teenagers
Describe
This give children a chance to tell themselves what to do
Talking with Teenagers
Give Information
This avoids accusation
Talking with Teenagers
Say a word
Children dislike lectures and hardly ever listen to the content
Talking with Teenagers
Talk about your feelings
Talking with Teenagers
Some strategies
And
Not ‘But’
Talking with Teenagers
What would you say if ?
Acknowledge feelings with a fantasy
Talking with Teenagers
Self Esteem
Loveable
and
Capable
Ian Gilbert
Deficit – Desire
Failure – Lesson
Suffering – Survival
Fact – Perception
Permanent – Passing
Pervasive – Partial
Personal – Random
Externalising
The ultimate -reframe
The person is
not the problem
The problem is
the problem
Past successes
Current achievements
Witnesses
teachers, parents, friends
Exceptions
When things are OK
Role models
Accessing
resources
How to highlight resources
Descriptive praise
“I” statements
Don’t argue with
negative self image!
Practical activities

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Talking with teens

  • 1. Alison Lowman Plymouth Argyle Football in the Community Trust Welcome to ‘Talking with Teenagers’
  • 2. Talking with Teenagers Men are from Mars Women are from Venus Teenagers are from another universe altogether !
  • 3. How did we get from this to this !
  • 4. Talking with Teenagers What do you want to get out of the workshop today? Confidentiality In order to feel comfortable please understand that anything shared in discussion remains within this room
  • 5. Talking with Teenagers This workshop is about understanding and appreciating the situations you and your teenagers are in so that you can make more empowering choices
  • 6. Talking with Teenagers It is not about getting teenagers to do what you want by turning them into perfect teen-robots who automatically obey and respect you simply because you are their parent.
  • 7. Talking with Teenagers Remember The only person you can control is yourself. We cannot necessarily make anyone else do anything
  • 8. Talking with Teenagers What is different about teenage years? 0-6 Teacher role - child learns from you everything they need to know and usually they want to 7-12 Manager role – organising. Not learning to read but reading to learn. Learns from a much wider social context 13 + Coaching role- Life outside of family has a greater impact and you have been fired as manger. “I can make my own decisions !!!” Your role is to find your role and provide guidance and advice.
  • 9. What is behind teenage behaviour?
  • 10. Talking with Teenagers A key principle of NLP Emotions are facts. Emotions, even if self generated will affect behaviour and communication on a daily basis. You interpret all of your experiences through a filter of emotional interpretation. You create your own internal map of reality
  • 11. Hormones •Testosterone, Oestrogen – drive body changes in adolescence •THP (allopregnanolone) calms anxiety in adults Increases anxiety in adolescents.
  • 12. Cerebellum. Motor activity, posture, movement. Continues to develop into late adolescence. Pineal gland. Produces melatonin – sleep hormone. Rhythm changes in adolescence. Right ventral striatum. Motivates reward seeking behaviour. prompts extreme, risky behaviour? Emotional motivation Prefrontal cortex. Executive functioning, impulse control. Developing into early 20’s. Over-ridden by amagdala Brain development
  • 13. Social Context Robert Epstein; The case against adolescence. “Teenagers are trying to break away from adults, rather than become adults…”  Excluded from adult institutions.  Treated as incompetent.  Denied freedom of choice.
  • 14. Three tasks of development  Rationality  Morality  Identity
  • 15. Rationality – Jean Piaget •Children and adults reason differently •Four stages – each builds on the former •Final stage continues into adulthood •Mechanism is peer interaction / reflection
  • 16. Morality – Lawrence Kohlberg •Six stages Because you said so You scratch my back... I want you to want me All for one With God on our side Get my halo ready, here I come. •Development continues into adulthood •Mechanism is peer interaction, reflection
  • 17. Identity – Erik Erikson  Five stages of personality development- security… autonomy… initiative… competence… Identity  Process – editing narrative of life experience, including feedback from others
  • 18. Group exercise: same needs, different stages Things children do that adults don’t Things adults do that children don’t Things teens do that adults would prefer they didn’t
  • 19. Human givens  The starting point to understanding human givens is … that all living things have to take nutriment from the environment to develop and sustain themselves. We can easily identify each nutriment because when we are born nature makes us feel a need for it.
  • 20. Human givens  We are all born with essential physical and emotional needs. These needs … are our common biological inheritance, whatever our cultural background.  Whenever our emotional needs are not met, or when our resources are being used incorrectly, we suffer considerable distress. And so do those around us.
  • 21. Our emotional needs include…  Security (stable home life and a safe territory to live in);  Intimacy and friendship;  To give and receive attention;  A sense of autonomy and control;  To feel connected to others and be part of a wider community;  To feel competent which comes from successful learning and effectively applying skills  Privacy (to reflect on and consolidate our experiences)  To be ‘stretched’ in what we do, from which comes our sense that life is meaningful.
  • 22. Group exercise: same needs, different stages Things children do that adults don’t Things adults do that children don’t Things teenagers do that adults would prefer they didn’t Essential emotional needs
  • 23. Talking with Teenagers A Key principle of NLP There are no difficult children, just difficult relationships and inflexible adults. ‘Difficult’ children are those you give up on when you cease to be flexible in you response and communication. Resistance is not so much an attribute of them but more a measure of your inflexibility of response. This can be hard to believe, but experiment with pretending that you believe it and see……..
  • 24. Talking with Pre-teens Another key principle of NLP Every behaviour has a positive intention behind it. ‘Whatever it seems like to you, their behaviour is intended to be useful to them or to protect their well being. Try to interpret the underlying message from the behaviour and not the behaviour itself. What need does the individual think will be met by acting in this way?
  • 26. Talking with Teenagers Most common complaint is that no one listens to them Talking to - Talking with - Listening to Using positive language to set the tone Don’t think about your feet
  • 27. Talking with Teenagers Try these - think of another way to say •Don’t walk in here with muddy shoes •Get your feet off the table •The music’s too loud •You’re wrong •That skirt is too short •I’m busy •If you don’t do your homework you’ll fail your exam •You can’t go to see Sue today because she’s at work
  • 28. Talking with Teenagers Who is talking to whom? Say ‘with’ or ‘we talk about’ How long is this going to go on for? Arrange a time/place/limit
  • 29. Talking with Teenagers Some strategies Activity – using strategies Describe Give Information Say one word Talk about your feelings
  • 30. Talking with Teenagers Describe This give children a chance to tell themselves what to do
  • 31. Talking with Teenagers Give Information This avoids accusation
  • 32. Talking with Teenagers Say a word Children dislike lectures and hardly ever listen to the content
  • 33. Talking with Teenagers Talk about your feelings
  • 34. Talking with Teenagers Some strategies And Not ‘But’
  • 35. Talking with Teenagers What would you say if ? Acknowledge feelings with a fantasy
  • 36. Talking with Teenagers Self Esteem Loveable and Capable Ian Gilbert
  • 37. Deficit – Desire Failure – Lesson Suffering – Survival Fact – Perception Permanent – Passing Pervasive – Partial Personal – Random
  • 38. Externalising The ultimate -reframe The person is not the problem The problem is the problem
  • 39. Past successes Current achievements Witnesses teachers, parents, friends Exceptions When things are OK Role models Accessing resources
  • 40. How to highlight resources Descriptive praise “I” statements Don’t argue with negative self image! Practical activities