How To Suck at Marketing
 

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How To Suck at Marketing Presentation Transcript

  • 1. OW K TO CHSM U ARKETI AT NG .
  • 2. are you Yes. partyingmarketing No.like it’s 1999?
  • 3. if Yes. you are definitely…
  • 4. and…
  • 5. YOURMARKETINGSUCKS.
  • 6. ? not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices?
  • 7. here’s a helpful guide on…
  • 8. OW K TO CHSM U ARKETI AT NG .
  • 9. call peoplerandomly and askthem to buy yourstuff.
  • 10. PRO TIP: orcall during dinner timewhen they least expect it.
  • 11. if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.
  • 12. if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.(say it confidently like you do)
  • 13. send unsolicitedemails to peoplewho have neverheard of yourcompany before.
  • 14. (and ask them to buy your stuff)
  • 15. PRO TIP:if you feel like you need more randompeople to spam, rent or buy additionalcontact lists.
  • 16. PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.
  • 17. PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.(asking to buy your stuff)
  • 18. do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware.
  • 19. do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware. INSTEAD…
  • 20. Personalizeyour marketing emails with great salutations like these:
  • 21. Dear Sir or Madam
  • 22. To Whom it May Concern
  • 23. Our Valued Customer
  • 24. Hi Friend
  • 25. Greetings Earthling
  • 26. PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.
  • 27. PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)
  • 28. PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.
  • 29. PRO TIP #2:don’t waste time worrying about you’regrammar or speling.
  • 30. spend time on thefollowing…
  • 31. stuffing as many keywords into yourwebsite as possible.
  • 32. buying expensivebooths at trade shows.
  • 33. sending more directmail to randompeople.(about buying your stuff, duh)
  • 34. and if you still haveextra time…
  • 35. go door to door totry and get peopleto buy your stuff.
  • 36. PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.
  • 37. PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)
  • 38. PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at yourcompany will need to figure it out)
  • 39. think of yourself as amarketing hero amongordinary men. (or women)
  • 40. you know better than your customers, prospects, and sales team: DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
  • 41. show how awesome youare that you don’t need toA/B test any of your emails,landing pages, or calls-to-action.
  • 42. make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.
  • 43. make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are.
  • 44. make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are. always.
  • 45. WARNING!DO NOT DOTHE FOLLOWING:
  • 46. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
  • 47. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing
  • 48. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database
  • 49. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership
  • 50. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership5.  attend educational conferences or seminars
  • 51. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership5.  attend educational conferences or seminars6.  embrace inbound marketing
  • 52. IT’S STRONGLYRECOMMENDEDTO DO THEFOLLOWING:
  • 53. DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon
  • 54. DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements
  • 55. DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials
  • 56. DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials4.  lots of outbound marketing
  • 57. curious to know if Yes. your marketing SUCKS? No. (or how awesome it is?)
  • 58. Yes.No.
  • 59. good.
  • 60. get a detailed onlinemarketing report.it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
  • 61. MARKETING .GRADER .COM
  • 62. created & written byRYAN BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST ATBROWN HUBSPOT