How To Suck at Marketing
 

How To Suck at Marketing

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How To Suck at Marketing How To Suck at Marketing Presentation Transcript

  • OW K TO CHSM U ARKETI AT NG .
  • are you Yes. partyingmarketing No.like it’s 1999?
  • if Yes. you are definitely…
  • and…
  • YOURMARKETINGSUCKS.
  • ? not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices?
  • here’s a helpful guide on…
  • OW K TO CHSM U ARKETI AT NG .
  • call peoplerandomly and askthem to buy yourstuff.
  • PRO TIP: orcall during dinner timewhen they least expect it.
  • if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.
  • if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.(say it confidently like you do)
  • send unsolicitedemails to peoplewho have neverheard of yourcompany before.
  • (and ask them to buy your stuff)
  • PRO TIP:if you feel like you need more randompeople to spam, rent or buy additionalcontact lists.
  • PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.
  • PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.(asking to buy your stuff)
  • do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware.
  • do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware. INSTEAD…
  • Personalizeyour marketing emails with great salutations like these:
  • Dear Sir or Madam
  • To Whom it May Concern
  • Our Valued Customer
  • Hi Friend
  • Greetings Earthling
  • PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.
  • PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)
  • PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.
  • PRO TIP #2:don’t waste time worrying about you’regrammar or speling.
  • spend time on thefollowing…
  • stuffing as many keywords into yourwebsite as possible.
  • buying expensivebooths at trade shows.
  • sending more directmail to randompeople.(about buying your stuff, duh)
  • and if you still haveextra time…
  • go door to door totry and get peopleto buy your stuff.
  • PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.
  • PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)
  • PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at yourcompany will need to figure it out)
  • think of yourself as amarketing hero amongordinary men. (or women)
  • you know better than your customers, prospects, and sales team: DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
  • show how awesome youare that you don’t need toA/B test any of your emails,landing pages, or calls-to-action.
  • make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.
  • make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are.
  • make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are. always.
  • WARNING!DO NOT DOTHE FOLLOWING:
  • DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
  • DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing
  • DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database
  • DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership
  • DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership5.  attend educational conferences or seminars
  • DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership5.  attend educational conferences or seminars6.  embrace inbound marketing
  • IT’S STRONGLYRECOMMENDEDTO DO THEFOLLOWING:
  • DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon
  • DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements
  • DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials
  • DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials4.  lots of outbound marketing
  • curious to know if Yes. your marketing SUCKS? No. (or how awesome it is?)
  • Yes.No.
  • good.
  • get a detailed onlinemarketing report.it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
  • MARKETING .GRADER .COM
  • created & written byRYAN BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST ATBROWN HUBSPOT