0
OW      K       TO    CHSM  U  ARKETI         AT        NG .
are you     Yes.   partyingmarketing          No.like it’s 1999?
if   Yes.                 you are              definitely…
and…
YOURMARKETINGSUCKS.
?    not sure if you are wasting    time and money with    old-school marketing    practices?
here’s a helpful guide on…
OW      K       TO    CHSM  U  ARKETI         AT        NG .
call peoplerandomly and askthem to buy yourstuff.
PRO TIP: orcall during dinner timewhen they least expect it.
if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.
if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.(say it confidently like you do)
send unsolicitedemails to peoplewho have neverheard of yourcompany before.
(and ask them to buy your stuff)
PRO TIP:if you feel like you need more randompeople to spam, rent or buy additionalcontact lists.
PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.
PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.(asking to buy your stuff)
do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware.
do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware. INSTEAD…
Personalizeyour marketing emails with great salutations like these:
Dear Sir or Madam
To Whom it May Concern
Our Valued Customer
Hi Friend
Greetings Earthling
PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.
PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)
PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)BONUS POINT: send...
PRO TIP #2:don’t waste time worrying about you’regrammar or speling.
spend time      on thefollowing…
stuffing as many keywords into yourwebsite as possible.
buying expensivebooths at trade shows.
sending more directmail to randompeople.(about buying your stuff, duh)
and if you still haveextra time…
go door to door totry and get peopleto buy your stuff.
PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.
PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(even if technically it can’t actually do all that stu...
PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(this is not your problem, the sales & services teams ...
think of yourself as amarketing hero amongordinary men. (or women)
you know better      than your     customers, prospects, and    sales team:                 DON’T LISTEN      TO THEM.
show how awesome youare that you don’t need toA/B test any of your emails,landing pages, or calls-to-action.
make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.
make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are.
make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are. always.
WARNING!DO NOT DOTHE FOLLOWING:
DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing
DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database
DO NOT1.    track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.    align your sales & marketing3.    segment your contact da...
DO NOT1.    track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.    align your sales & marketing3.    segment your contact da...
DO NOT1.    track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.    align your sales & marketing3.    segment your contact da...
IT’S STRONGLYRECOMMENDEDTO DO THEFOLLOWING:
DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon
DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements
DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials
DO1.    use lots of marketing jargon2.    purchase online pop-up advertisements3.    raise the volume of your TV commercia...
curious to know if            Yes.  your marketing          SUCKS?                             No.   (or how awesome it is?)
Yes.No.
good.
get a detailed onlinemarketing report.it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
MARKETING  .GRADER     .COM
created & written byRYAN                   BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST ATBROWN                  HUBSPOT                  ...
How To Suck at Marketing
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Transcript of "How To Suck at Marketing"

  1. 1. OW K TO CHSM U ARKETI AT NG .
  2. 2. are you Yes. partyingmarketing No.like it’s 1999?
  3. 3. if Yes. you are definitely…
  4. 4. and…
  5. 5. YOURMARKETINGSUCKS.
  6. 6. ? not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices?
  7. 7. here’s a helpful guide on…
  8. 8. OW K TO CHSM U ARKETI AT NG .
  9. 9. call peoplerandomly and askthem to buy yourstuff.
  10. 10. PRO TIP: orcall during dinner timewhen they least expect it.
  11. 11. if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.
  12. 12. if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.(say it confidently like you do)
  13. 13. send unsolicitedemails to peoplewho have neverheard of yourcompany before.
  14. 14. (and ask them to buy your stuff)
  15. 15. PRO TIP:if you feel like you need more randompeople to spam, rent or buy additionalcontact lists.
  16. 16. PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.
  17. 17. PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.(asking to buy your stuff)
  18. 18. do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware.
  19. 19. do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware. INSTEAD…
  20. 20. Personalizeyour marketing emails with great salutations like these:
  21. 21. Dear Sir or Madam
  22. 22. To Whom it May Concern
  23. 23. Our Valued Customer
  24. 24. Hi Friend
  25. 25. Greetings Earthling
  26. 26. PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.
  27. 27. PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)
  28. 28. PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.
  29. 29. PRO TIP #2:don’t waste time worrying about you’regrammar or speling.
  30. 30. spend time on thefollowing…
  31. 31. stuffing as many keywords into yourwebsite as possible.
  32. 32. buying expensivebooths at trade shows.
  33. 33. sending more directmail to randompeople.(about buying your stuff, duh)
  34. 34. and if you still haveextra time…
  35. 35. go door to door totry and get peopleto buy your stuff.
  36. 36. PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.
  37. 37. PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)
  38. 38. PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at yourcompany will need to figure it out)
  39. 39. think of yourself as amarketing hero amongordinary men. (or women)
  40. 40. you know better than your customers, prospects, and sales team: DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
  41. 41. show how awesome youare that you don’t need toA/B test any of your emails,landing pages, or calls-to-action.
  42. 42. make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.
  43. 43. make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are.
  44. 44. make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are. always.
  45. 45. WARNING!DO NOT DOTHE FOLLOWING:
  46. 46. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)
  47. 47. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing
  48. 48. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database
  49. 49. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership
  50. 50. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership5.  attend educational conferences or seminars
  51. 51. DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership5.  attend educational conferences or seminars6.  embrace inbound marketing
  52. 52. IT’S STRONGLYRECOMMENDEDTO DO THEFOLLOWING:
  53. 53. DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon
  54. 54. DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements
  55. 55. DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials
  56. 56. DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials4.  lots of outbound marketing
  57. 57. curious to know if Yes. your marketing SUCKS? No. (or how awesome it is?)
  58. 58. Yes.No.
  59. 59. good.
  60. 60. get a detailed onlinemarketing report.it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
  61. 61. MARKETING .GRADER .COM
  62. 62. created & written byRYAN BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST ATBROWN HUBSPOT
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