How To Suck at Marketing

OW K TO CHSM U ARKETI AT NG .

are you Yes. partyingmarketing No.like it’s 1999?

if Yes. you are deﬁnitely…

and…

YOURMARKETINGSUCKS.

? not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices?

here’s a helpful guide on…

OW K TO CHSM U ARKETI AT NG .

call peoplerandomly and askthem to buy yourstuff.

PRO TIP: orcall during dinner timewhen they least expect it.

if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.

if you don’t know howto pronouncesomeone’s name, justmake it up.(say it conﬁdently like you do)

send unsolicitedemails to peoplewho have neverheard of yourcompany before.

(and ask them to buy your stuff)

PRO TIP:if you feel like you need more randompeople to spam, rent or buy additionalcontact lists.

PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.

PRO TIP #2:be persistent. email or callwith great frequency.(asking to buy your stuff)

do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware.

do not invest insophisticatedmarketingsoftware. INSTEAD…

Personalizeyour marketing emails with great salutations like these:

Dear Sir or Madam

To Whom it May Concern

Our Valued Customer

Hi Friend

Greetings Earthling

PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.

PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)

PRO TIP:send your entire contact list the sameemail marketing message.(obviously about buying your stuff)BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.

PRO TIP #2:don’t waste time worrying about you’regrammar or speling.

spend time on thefollowing…

stufﬁng as many keywords into yourwebsite as possible.

buying expensivebooths at trade shows.

sending more directmail to randompeople.(about buying your stuff, duh)

and if you still haveextra time…

go door to door totry and get peopleto buy your stuff.

PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.

PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)

PRO TIP:say whatever it takes to convince peopleto buy your product.(this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at yourcompany will need to ﬁgure it out)

think of yourself as amarketing hero amongordinary men. (or women)

you know better than your customers, prospects, and sales team: DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.

show how awesome youare that you don’t need toA/B test any of your emails,landing pages, or calls-to-action.

make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.

make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are.

make sure everyoneknows how awesomeyour company is, too.use social media as aplace to share howgreat you are. always.

WARNING!DO NOT DOTHE FOLLOWING:

DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)

DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing

DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database

DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership

DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership5.  attend educational conferences or seminars

DO NOT1.  track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics)2.  align your sales & marketing3.  segment your contact database4.  attempt thought leadership5.  attend educational conferences or seminars6.  embrace inbound marketing

IT’S STRONGLYRECOMMENDEDTO DO THEFOLLOWING:

DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon

DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements

DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials

DO1.  use lots of marketing jargon2.  purchase online pop-up advertisements3.  raise the volume of your TV commercials4.  lots of outbound marketing

curious to know if Yes. your marketing SUCKS? No. (or how awesome it is?)

Yes.No.

get a detailed onlinemarketing report.it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)

MARKETING .GRADER .COM

created & written byRYAN BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST ATBROWN HUBSPOT

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How To Suck at Marketing

by HubSpot All-in-one Marketing Software on Jan 11, 2013

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