This document discusses sibling bullying and why it is important to address. It notes that sibling bullying can have more severe consequences than other forms of bullying, such as increased depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem in the bullied child. These negative effects are exacerbated when parents do not intervene to stop the bullying behavior. The document also states that children who bully their siblings can develop issues forming relationships and exploiting others due to experiencing few consequences for their aggressive acts. Parents are encouraged to be aware of bullying behaviors between children and establish clear rules against such acts.

1. Why We Need to Start
Talking about Sibling Bullying
By Tara Fields Ph.D

2. Introduction

Q: Why is important to distinguish sibling bullying from
schoolyard bullying?
A: According to this research, the consequences of sibling
bullying, such as depression, anxiety and low self esteem,
are more prevalent in children who are bullied by a sister or
brother than those who are bullied outside of the home. It is
important to address bullying wherever it occurs, but this
research demonstrates that sibling bullying is more common
than we suspected or have wanted to acknowledge and that
interfamilial bullying carries serious consequences for both
the bully and the child who is being bullied.
Q: But isn’t sibling rivalry normal?
A: It’s definitely developmentally appropriate for there to be
some benign aggression or healthy competition between
children, especially between a first and second child, but if
that behavior escalates and continues, then there may be a
more serious issue than just your run-of-the mill sibling rivalry.

3. Damages Caused

Q: Why is bullying between siblings potentially more damaging than
bullying outside the home?
A: The study found that when a child is bullied by their sibling, there
is an increase in depression, anxiety, and other psychological issues
that can last a lifetime. The child who is bullied may come to believe
that they deserve to be hurt, that they somehow have brought this
abuse on themselves. When they start to feel this way, they are at
risk of developing false assumptions regarding their self worth and
begin to identifying themselves as victims. It is so important that we
talk about sibling bullying specifically because, to a large extent, the
message the child who is being bullied receives is determined by
what a parent does or doesn’t do about the aggressive behavior.
Parents are condoning the aggressive behavior if they don’t correct
it, even if they do not actively encourage it. When parents do not
prevent a sibling from bullying his sister or brother, the victimized
child can feel as though they cannot turn to their parents for help
and protection. The unprotected child may feel that their home is not
a safe place. As you might imagine, children feel extremely
vulnerable when they cannot rely on their parents for protection.
When this happens, children experience feelings of helplessness
and hopelessness, which are key components of depression.

4. Parent’s Role

Q: So one of the reasons it is so important to address
and remediate bullying in the home is because the
parents' role as witnesses can reinforce and amplify the
negative message being sent to the child by their
sibling?
A: Yes. One of the reasons that children become
depressed and feel powerless when parents fail to end
bullying in the home is because developmentally they
may be in a stage in which they believe that they’re in
control of the world. In other words, they believe that
they cause what happens to them. It’s too frightening or
painful for a child to believe that they have parents or
caretakers who choose not to protect them. So instead
children conclude that they must deserve the abuse or
are responsible for it happening. When a parent
witnesses the bullying and chooses to turn a blind eye,
rather than step in and stop it, they reinforce the
negative message being sent to the child who is being
bullied by their sibling. The parent then becomes an
accomplice to the bulling.

5. Negative Effects

Q: Are there negative effects for the children who are
the aggressors in these situations?
A: Yes, absolutely. Adults who bullied their sibling or
siblings when they were a child are used to getting their
way, always being right, and to getting preferential
treatment compared to others, especially if there were
no consequences to their behavior as a child. As adults
they may find it difficult to form and maintain healthy
relationships, both romantically and professionally.
Often, though not always, these people can grow up to
be adults who have no qualms about exploiting or
abusing others. They may be verbally or physically
abusive, thereby continuing the same patterns of
behavior that were implicitly or explicitly sanctioned as a
child in their family of origin.

6. Prevention


Q: What can parents do to prevent bullying in their homes?
A: I always say that change comes with awareness. It’s important for a parent not
to assume that the bullying or even the constant picking on a sibling’s sister or
brother is benign or just a phase and they’ll outgrow it. It’s important to intervene
immediately. Be clear about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior in your family—
that’s equally important for both children. There need to be consequences when
children behave in a way that parents have clearly communicated will not be
tolerated. It’s also important for parents to spend time with their children
discussing and exploring healthy ways to resolve conflicts and manage
frustrations. They need to take the time to explore what may be underlying their
child's aggressive behavior. Perhaps the most meaningful insight may come from
the parents’ willingness to look at themselves and their own behavior. Often
sibling bullying is a result of what they’re seeing modeled for them, whether it’s
between parents, at school, or among friends. It may be difficult, but parents must
be honest about their own behavior and what they may be modeling for their
children when it comes to managing their own frustrations. Children come to
believe that the way their parents act is acceptable and model their own behavior
accordingly. For example, if a parent routinely verbally bullies their spouse to get
their way or, as a couple, resort to anger or threats when they are frustrated, then
children make the false assumption that they need to do the same to get what
they want.

7. Conclusion

Tara Fields, Ph.D., has shares her insight and
research on numerous family and relationship
issues through print, radio, and television
media. Her advice has appeared in the San
Francisco Chronicle, The Huffington Post,
and Glamour. She had a weekly television
segment on San Francisco’s KRON 4 news
for over a decade, as well as a daily threehour call-in radio show on several major radio
networks. Most recently, Dr. Fields hosted the
first season of the television docudrama, Fix
My Family, which aired in 2012 and 2013 on
WeTv.