The document discusses the concepts of transactional analysis as introduced in Eric Berne's influential book Games People Play. It provides an example of the "If It Weren't For You" game played in a marriage, where the wife complains about her domineering husband's restrictions but those restrictions actually prevent her from confronting unconscious fears. The document examines common psychological roles in games including Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor that people switch between. It aims to highlight how recognizing the games people play can help end problematic relationship patterns.

1. talking ‘bout
Games
People
Play
(every night and
every day now)
Eric Berne
and Transactional Analysis

2. A phenomenal book
The bestselling book by psychiatrist Dr. Eric
Berne that uncovered the dynamics of human
relationships. Since its publication in 1964 to
the newly released and updated 40th
anniversary edition, over 5 million copies have
been sold worldwide in over ten
languages. The book remains immensely
popular and has recently experienced a huge
increase in sales due to renewed interest.

3. The value of the book
"Many times in my life, I was placed in social
situations that left me feeling so depleted
afterwards and I could not exactly grasp why
this was happening. When I read Games People
Play, I started to understand how many people
play these games that end up making me feel
used and hopeless. After a year or so, I also
began realizing that I play some of these games
myself... This is when I really decided to change
my life. I began living with a new awareness of
the behaviours of not only others but my own as
well!"

4. What Game?
A game is an ongoing series of complementary
ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined,
predictable outcome.
Descriptively, it is a recurring set of
transactions... with a concealed motivation... Or
gimmick.“
What happens in the game is explained by
transactional analysis
Let’s look at an example called IWFY

5. If It Weren't For You" or IWFY.
Mrs. White complained that her husband severely
restricted her social activities, so that she had never
learned to dance. Due to changes in her attitude
brought about psychiatric treatment, her husband
became less sure of himself and more indulgent.
Mrs. White was then free to enlarge the scope of her
activities. She signed up for dancing classes, and
then discovered to her despair that she had a morbid
hear of dance floors and had to abandon this project.

6. If It Weren't For You" or IWFY.
This unfortunate adventure, along with similar ones,
laid out some important aspects of her
marriage. Out of her many suitors, she had picked a
domineering man for a husband. She was then in a
position to complain that she could do all sorts of
things "it if weren't for you." Many of her woman
friends had domineering husbands, and when they
met for their morning coffee, they spent a good deal
of time playing "If It Weren't For Him."

7. IWFY
As it turned out, however, contrary to her
complaints, her husband was performing a
very real service for her by forbidding her to
do something she was deeply afraid of, and by
preventing her, in fact, from even becoming
aware of her fears. This was one reason...
[she] had chosen such a husband.

8. IWFY
His prohibitions and her complaints frequently
led to quarrels, so that their sex life was
seriously impaired. She and her husband had
little in common besides their household
worries and the children, so that their quarrels
stood out as important events.

9. The Payoff
Both Mr. and Mrs. White are participating in a game;
they are not consciously aware of their active
participation. As with any game, at least one party
must achieve a "payoff" for the game to proceed. In
this game, Mrs. White, and to a lesser degree Mr.
White achieve their respective payoffs. In Mr. White's
case, by restricting Mrs. White's activities, he can
retain the role of domineering husband, which
provides him comfort when things do not necessarily
go his way.

10. Mrs White’s Payoff
Mrs. White obtains her payoff at many levels. On the
psychological level, the restrictions imposed by Mr.
White prevent Mrs. White from experiencing neurotic
fears or being placed in phobic situations. By having
Mr. White prevent her from being placed in these
situations, Mrs. White does not have to acknowledge
(or even be aware of) her fears.
On the social level, Mrs. White's payoff is that she can
say "if it weren't for you." This helps to structure the
time she must spend with her husband, as well as the
time spent without him. In addition, it allows her to say
"if it weren't for him" with friends.

11. Ending the Game
As with any game, it comes to an abrupt end
when one player decides (usually
unconsciously) to stop playing. If instead, Mr.
White said "Go ahead" instead of "Don't you
dare", Mrs. White loses her payoff. She can no
longer say "if it weren't for you" and then
must go out and confront her fears.
By continuing to play this game, each
participant receives his or her payoff, but the
price is a marriage with serious problems.

12. Ending the Game
IWFY, like most other games, when
perpetuated, can lead to adverse effects.
Identification of the game is the first step.
Once the player(s) recognize they are playing a
game, efforts can be made to improve upon
the problem. This is the basis of Transactional
Analysis Therapy.

13. The Drama Triangle
NIGYSOB = Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch

14. Choose your role
(or choose them all)
• Victim
• Perpetrator/Persecutor
• Rescuer
What’s the payoff?

15. The Victim
The Victim is a person who asks other people to sort
things out for him or her rather than doing it him- or
herself: in other words, operating from a "one-down"
position. Victims may put themselves down and
disown their capacity to think and act for themselves.
They may not use their own Adult capacity to think and
may believe that "I cannot cope on my own". The
Victim may portray him- or herself as powerless, and
often feels powerless on the inside; however, even
though Victims disown their own power, they have the
power to initiate the switch of roles within a game
(which gives them a lot of power in relationships).

16. The Rescuer
The Rescuer is a person who comes in with the
overt agenda of doing things for other people or
sorting them out in some way. The hidden belief
is that other people are not capable of doing stuff
for themselves, which puts the Rescuer in a "one-up"
position. However, the hidden assumption is
often unconscious and a lot of Rescuers are well-meaning.
Even so, classic Rescuers go in to help
people without asking, doing more than their fair
share, and ending up doing things they don't
want to do.

17. The Perpetrator or Persecutor
Lastly, the Persecutor. He or she
dismisses the capacity of others to
think, feel or act on their own
behalf. The Persecutor has a hidden
agenda of punishing or belittling
people in some way. Like the
Rescuer, he or she comes from a
one-up position

18. Start the game!
A game can start once two people recognize each
other to be in opposite roles, e.g. a Rescuer and a
Victim. A set of predictable interactions follows,
after which one person switches roles, say the
Victim switches into Persecutor mode and the
Rescuer follows the switch and becomes the
Victim (possibly also a Persecutor). The switch in
the game can be from any of the three positions
to a different one. Just as with specific roles,
people will also have a preferred point to switch
to.

19. Why do all this?
There are many reasons why people play
these types of games.
One is that it justifies one's outlook on the
world (the original Victim in the above
example will feel confirmed in his belief that
the world is a bad place and he can be angry
with it).
It is also a way of not taking responsibility for
changing anything about oneself.

20. And more why
Another reason why people play games is that
they constitute attention. Games can be
emotionally highly charged and despite the fact
that they produce negative attention, this can be
better than no attention at all. Not playing games
might leave people feeling their loneliness and
disconnection from others.
The Victim/Persecutor in the above example may
not have any friends or family and manages to
get some interaction with others through playing
games.

21. I just want to get
close to you
If one looks at it like that, one could say a
game is a failed attempt to be close to people.
The participants want to be close and
authentic with each other, but don't quite
manage the risks of being open and honest
and instead go for a slightly more predictable
relationship pattern, a game.

22. Authenticity
So, we have three psychological roles, and once
you take any one of them, you set yourself up to
participate in a game. People will have their
favourite game position, which they start off
from. Often our favourite position is something
we have learned as a child. All three positions are
inauthentic and dismiss some aspects about
oneself or someone else (e.g. as a Rescuer I
dismiss other people's capacity to think and act
on their own behalf).

23. At least I have structure
Although games leave us feeling bad, they are still
structured according to predictable lines: the same
thing happens again and again, which is much less
frightening than going for the all-out unknown of
being really close to someone.
If I choose to be close to another human being, all
structure goes, there is just you and me relating to
each other, and anything may happen! For some
people that's a very frightening thing, so they divert
their energy into games instead.

24. Kick Me
This is played by men whose social manner is
equivalent to wearing a sign that reads “Please Don’t
Kick Me.” The temptation is almost irresistible, and
when the natural result follows, White cries
“piteously, “But the sign says ‘don’t kick me.’” Then
he adds incredulously, “Why does this always happen
to me?” (WAHM.). Clinically, the WAHM may be
introjected (unconsciously incorporated) and
disguised in the “Psychiatry” cliché: “Whenever I’m
under stress, I get all shook up.”
One game element in WAHM comes from inverse
pride: “My misfortunes are better than yours.” This
factor is often found in paranoids.

25. Kick Me
If the people in this environment are restrained from
striking at him by kind-heartedness, “I’m Only Trying
to Help You,” at social convention or organizational
rules, his behaviour becomes more and more
provocative until he transgresses the limits and
forces them to oblige. These are men who are cast
out, the jilted and the job losers.
The corresponding game among women is
“Threadbare.”

26. The light is on
This time the husband makes up his mind that he is
really through, that they will find a sexless modus
vivendi. Months pass. He declines the negligee parade
and the forgotten towel manoeuvre. The wife becomes
more provocatively informal and more provocatively
forgetful, but he still resists. Then one evening she
actually approaches him and kisses him. At first he
doesn't respond, remembering his resolution, but soon
nature begins to take its course after the long famine,
and now he thinks he surely has it made. His first
tentative advances are not repulsed. He becomes
bolder and bolder. Just at the critical point, the wife
steps back and cries: 'See, what did I tell you! All men
are beasts, all I wanted was affection, but all you are
interested in is sex!'

27. Rapo
First-Degree 'Rapo', or 'Kiss Off', is popular at social
gatherings and consists essentially of mild flirtation.
White signals that she is available and gets her
pleasure from the man's pursuit. As soon as he has
committed himself, the game is over. If she is polite,
she may say quite frankly 'I appreciate your
compliments and thank you very much', and move on
to the next conquest. If she is less generous, she may
simply leave him. A skilful player can make this game
last for a long time at a large social gathering by
moving around frequently, so that the man has to carry
out complicated manoeuvres in order to follow her
without being too obvious.

28. Second Degree Rapo
In Second-Degree 'Rapo', or 'Indignation', White
gets only secondary satisfaction from Black's
advances. Her primary gratification codes from
rejecting him, so that this game is also
colloquially known as 'Buzz Off, Buster'. She leads
Black into a much more serious commitment
than the mild flirtation of First-Degree 'Rapo' and
enjoys watching his discomfiture when she
repulses him. Black, of course, is not as helpless
as he seems, and may have gone to considerable
trouble to get himself involved. Usually he is
playing some variation of 'Kick Me'.

29. Threesome – the
Parent
This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning
and attitudes from when we were young. We were conditioned by our
real parents, teachers, older people, next door neighbours, aunts and
uncles, Father Christmas and Jack Frost. Our Parent is made up of a
huge number of hidden and overt recorded playbacks. Typically
embodied by phrases and attitudes starting with 'how to', 'under no
circumstances', 'always' and 'never forget', 'don't lie, cheat, steal', etc,
etc. Our parent is formed by external events and influences upon us as
we grow through early childhood. We can change it, but this is easier
said than done.
The Parent is now commonly represented as a circle with four
quadrants:
Nurturing - Nurturing (positive) and Spoiling (negative).
Controlling - Structuring (positive) and Critical (negative).

30. The Child
Our internal reaction and feelings to external
events form the 'Child'. This is the seeing,
hearing, feeling, and emotional body of data
within each of us. When anger or despair
dominates reason, the Child is in control. Like
our Parent we can change it, but it is no easier.
The Child is now commonly represented as
circle with four quadrants:
Adapted - Co-operative (positive) and
Compliant/Resistant (negative).
Free - Spontaneous (positive) and Immature
(negative).

31. The Adult
Our 'Adult' is our ability to think and determine action
for ourselves, based on received data. The adult in us
begins to form at around ten months old, and is the
means by which we keep our Parent and Child under
control. If we are to change our Parent or Child we
must do so through our adult.
In other words:
Parent is our 'Taught' concept of life
Adult is our 'Thought' concept of life
Child is our 'Felt' concept of life

32. Adult - Adult
There is no general rule as to the effectiveness
of any ego state in any given situation (some
people get results by being dictatorial (Parent
to Child), or by having temper tantrums, (Child
to Parent).
But for a self-aware and non-manipulative
approach to life, Adult to Adult is generally
recommended.

33. The OK Corral

34. Fundamental Concepts of TA
• Everyone is born OK
• Each person has a right to be in the world, accepted for
who they are
• Everyone is responsible for themselves
• We all seek physical and emotional nurturing so we modify
our behaviour to achieve this
• There are three behavioural states we can switch between:
child, parent and adult
• Some people have a life script, which will determine :
– how they behave
– how they interpret the behaviour of others
– how they respond to people;

35. Know thyself