This document provides steps to resolve conflict with a strong-willed defiant child. It begins by explaining that defiance can go beyond normal developmental stages and may be driven by peer pressure, trauma, family issues, or mental health conditions like ODD. Defiant children think differently, see requests as opportunities for arguments, and use thinking errors like playing the victim. The steps recommend understanding how the child thinks, avoiding yelling, listening to understand their perspective, using positive reinforcement, redirecting their energy, setting clear boundaries, and getting help if the behavior escalates or could be due to conditions like ODD.

1. Steps to Resolve Conflict with
your Strong Willed Defiant Child
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2. Introduction
• It’s the same old conflict: Parent versus child.
Throughout the ages, parents have always been at
odds with their offspring at some point in the
growing up process.
• You might even be getting a taste of some of that
right now. Toddlers and adolescents are usually the
biggest perpetrators of “boundary testing.” If you
can survive those years, most children grow beyond
those attitudes and adopt a more mature nature and
ideas.
•
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3. • Defiance can go beyond the age-appropriate
outbursts and behavior of the toddler years,
adolescence, and even teenage angst. In these
situations, other conditions may be present that
exacerbate overly strong-willed attitudes in your
child.
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4. HOW A DEFIANT CHILD THINKS
• The common myth is that children are little
versions of us. In reality, they are young people
who think in ways that are different from us. For
one, they lack the extensive experience and
knowledge that adults have developed over a
lifetime. Second, they are “blank slates” – their
brains lack the necessary connections.
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5. • A defiant child, on the other hand, sees things in
their own way. What you view as reasonable
requests are just reasons to get an argument
started for them, if they don’t get their way. Here
are some snippets from a “Day in the Life of a
Defiant Child”:
• “I don’t want to get out of bed. School is dumb.
I’ll just lay here.”
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6. • What could be driving your child to exhibit such
behavior?
• Peer pressure and/or rejection (bullying, teasing, drugs,
sex, alcohol or other)
• Past traumatic experiences (physical or sexual abuse, for
example, with or without the parent’s knowledge)
• Conflict with parents (parental expectations, separation,
divorce, or remarriage)
• Body image issues (developing too fast or not as fast as
their peers do)
• Sibling issues (dangerous sibling rivalry, bullying, etc.)
• Defiance is the thing that is “in” right now so it’s okay to
do
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7. • Another part of defiant behavior could be due to
chemical imbalances in the brain or disabilities.
Your child could suffer from:
• Anxiety disorders (ADD, ADHD, ODD, panic
attacks or another)
• Depression (bipolar depression or clinical
depression)
• Learning disabilities (dyslexia, autism spectrum
disorder, or another)
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8. What is ODD?
• Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a medical
condition that must be diagnosed by a professional
clinician. As we said, all children go through a phase
of defiance throughout their formative years.
• ODD is something different. It is not a phase but an
ongoing set of behaviors that don’t resolve or get
better, but progressively worse, especially if not
treated through training and behavior modification
for both parents and children.
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9. Children with ODD are:
• Prone to using bad language
• Lose their temper easily and often
• Argue with adults including their parents (they
believe that they are equal to adults)
• Refuse to comply with requests from their
parents, teachers, and other adults as well
• Annoy others on purpose
• Talk back to adults
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10. THINKING ERRORS IN DEFIANT
CHILDREN AND TEENS
• We all can exhibit “thinking errors” at times in our lives.
This is nothing new. Consider the alcoholic who says that
they can drink and function at the same time.
• Or, how about the person who wants to lose weight but
doesn’t see the harm in eating half a box of ice cream
after dinner because they will “work it off” tomorrow. It’s
called “justification.” These thought patterns are used
every day by someone (mostly adults) to feel better about
making poor choices in our lives.
•
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11. Here are five thinking errors that a
defiant child may exhibit.
• “Victim Stance”: As a victim, everything is
done “to” you so the responsibility for fixing a
situation doesn’t fall on you but the person who
is the aggressor. Defiant children may play the
“victim” role to get out of taking responsibility
for situations where they are clearly at fault.
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12. • “Uniqueness”: This is where the children feel
that they are above everyone else. Pitfalls that
would ensnare a lesser person don’t apply to
them. The alcoholic, mentioned above, is an
example of this. He can drive unimpaired by a
few drinks because he has a false sense of
superiority and security.
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13. • “Concrete Transactions”: Defiant children
use adults and others as a means to an end. You
are only useful as long as you perform the job
that they need you for. They may trade on their
friendship with someone to get them to go along
with something bad or illegal.
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14. • “Turnaround”: This one is almost self-
explanatory. No matter what you say, your
defiant child will turn the remark around on you.
If you are not prepared for it, you’ll be caught off
guard. You are annoyed because they are not
cleaning their room.
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15. • “One-way Training”: This is an insidious
tactic. Instead of you getting your child to follow
the rules, he is training you to follow his. When
confronted with a task he doesn’t want to do or a
skill that he doesn’t want to learn, he will turn
things around to focus on your behavior.
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16. STEPS TO DEAL WITH A DEFIANT
CHILD
• Don’t be deceived. You must deal with the child
you have. Comparing your child’s behavior with
that of your friends will not resolve the situation.
You love your child and because you do, these
types of destructive behavior patterns must be
broken.
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17. • Learn to understand your child – In the
case of defiant children, this is almost as
important as loving them. In fact, it is an
expression of your love for them. Discover how
they think and why they think the way that they
do.
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18. • Avoid yelling – This is counterproductive.
When your blood begins to boil, step away from
the situation. Instead of giving your child what
they want (which is you off kilter), leave the area
and return to the discussion when you can keep
your emotions in check.
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19. • Listen to your child – In between that
shouting and double talk are clues to why they
are reacting and acting in such a manner.
Actively listening is also the way to
compartmentalize your emotions as you seek out
the information you need to help your child.
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20. • Positive reinforcement – Your child is
looking for power and doesn’t care if the ends
are negative or positive. Ensure that they will be
positive through reinforcement. Offer
encouragement, praise, validation and even
rewards for positive behaviors that they exhibit.
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21. • Redirect his energies – Think about the last
time you were mad. Your heart is racing, your
muscles are tense, and you seem to have a lot of
excess energy. The same goes for your child. Use
productive ways to burn off that energy that
doesn’t involve negative behaviors.
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22. • Set boundaries and stick to them –
Following through with consequences, no matter
what sad story your child tells, will let them
know how things work in real life.
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23. • Being defiant is normally a phase for most kids,
but is much more than that for some. If your
child is exhibiting defiant behavior (whether it
escalates or not), nip it in the bud right now.
• Understand your child’s way of thinking and
then combat each behavior by hitting it head on.
Follow through with firm consequences for
negative behavior.
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24. Thank you
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