Future proofing your adoptive family
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Understanding the impact of maltreatment and trauma on a child is essential to parent that child, whether as an adopter, foster carer or birth parent.
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Future proofing your adoptive family
- 1. ADOPTION UK WEBINAR : JUNE 2020 Future-proofing your adoptive family : (whistlestop concepts) Helen Oakwater Adopter, Coach, Trainer, Author, Explorer • Story telling • Pointers to resources: deeper dive • Facebook & contact • Oakwater shrapnel metaphor • Understand the past : ie WHY • Jigsaw of truth • Reframing • Damage limitation in future www.FABparents.co.uk @HelenOakwater Former: AUK Trustee AUK Local Coordinator LA Panel member x2 Govt Task Force
- 2. Opening cartoon from SO YOU WANT(ED) TO ADOPT: How to prepare yourself to parent a child from the care system by Helen Oakwater TIM Traumatised Infant Maltreated SANDY Securely Attached Normally Developing Youngster © Helen Oakwater 2018
- 3. © Helen Oakwater 2020 Facebook changed everythingSUPERFICIALLY? Adoptive Family Birth Family
- 4. TIM sensory experience SEE Darkness HEAR Shouting & slamming doors TASTE Milk & vomit SMELL Sour milk & excrement TOUCH Nappy rash FEEL Hungry & cold © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 5. Sensory Shrapnel Sensorinen Shrapnal NEGLECT © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 6. FEAR EMOTIONAL ABUSE NEGLECT SEXUAL ABUSE PHYSICAL ABUSE Different Maltreatments Assorted Shrapnel © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 7. FEAR EMOTIONAL ABUSE NEGLECT SEXUAL ABUSE PHYSICAL ABUSE Helen Oakwater’s Bubble Wrap metaphor © Helen Oakwater 2016 Distorts our view of them & their perception of the world
- 8. 8 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 2: with birth family Different Maltreatments What behaviour might you see? what do adults tell him? Beliefs formed? © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 10. I am a bad boy No therapy or reframing Shrapnel still inside Tim © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 11. What story is Tim told? “The house was a bit messy” © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 12. 12 Language:“messy bedroom” © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 13. “The house was a bit messy” Frequently MISMATCH between sensory life experiences and story child is told © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 14. “The house was a bit messy” Child needs truthful life chronicle which matches his sensory experiences full of rubbish, flies, rotting food and blocked toilet X XX© Helen Oakwater 2016
- 15. 15 “The house was a bit messy” They slept on mattresses soaked with urine, covered with filthy bedding, wading through mouldy rubbish ankle-deep to get through the front door and off to school. © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 16. TIM sensory experience SEE Darkness HEAR Shouting & slamming doors TASTE Milk & vomit SMELL Sour milk & excrement TOUCH Nappy rash FEEL Hungry & cold © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 17. Confusing MISMATCH of language “The house was a bit messy” clean untidy versus disgusting squalor © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 18. I am a bad boy No therapy or reframing Shrapnel still inside Tim © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 19. 19 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 1 : No interventions © Helen Oakwater 2016 Beliefs drive behaviour
- 20. https://youtu.be/hrK9_ZPo790 https://youtu.be/hrK9_ZPo790 Robert Dilts explaining Logical Levels (Helen Oakwater YouTube Channel) First video
- 21. https://youtu.be/hrK9_ZPo790 Robert Dilts explaining Logical Levels and TRAUMA (Helen Oakwater YouTube Channel) Second video
- 22. 25 pieces: outlining of story Aged 6 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 23. 100-400 pieces: significant details shared Aged 9 - 13 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 24. 1000 pieces: the entire detailed story By 18 - 21 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + + ++++++
- 25. However in reality many absent pieces Unknowns Lies Half truths Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories Jigsaw of Truth: Will have gaps Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + + ++++++ © Helen Oakwater 2016 1000 - 199 = 801 pieces
- 26. Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe neglect so thats why I feel scared when I'm hungry, & I like fart smells © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 27. 27 Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe removal episode it was not my fault he was drunk and wrong I was rescued I am important I am a good boy © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 28. 28 Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe: deeper understanding with age I wash myself & my clothes Keeping clean is nice Alcohol can be harmful Eat regularly © Helen Oakwater 2016
- 29. Avoid False Negative Beliefs through a Coherent Narrative “Knowledge is only a rumour until its in the muscle” JUDY DELOZIER Head, heart and gut understanding Intrinsic truth Photos Evidence & indisputable material Information, data, words saccharine life story book © Helen Oakwater 2017
- 30. Coherent narrative allows child to trust their bodily sensations “The body keeps the score” BESSEL VAN DER KOLK FEEL SAFE INSIDE THE BODY© Helen Oakwater 2016
- 31. https://youtu.be/qp0HIF3SfI4 Start with Why Simon Sinek TED talk & book Although this video is about inspiring leadership,NOT TRAUMA or CHILDREN, the concepts map across to the importance of WHY when trying to understand impact and legacy of child trauma Importance of WHY in relation to contact & beyond
- 32. © Helen Oakwater 2020 Facebook changed everything Who is pulling? Where? How? Why? Adoptive Family Birth Family
- 33. (Adult) Arousal Diagram (Ogden & others) Window of Tolerance / Modulation Model Window of Tolerance Hyper / over vigilant Hypo / under vigilant ?? Dissociated?? Feel & Think Feel ?Feel? or not A R O U S A L © Helen Oakwater 2017
- 34. Extract from WANT TO ADOPT by Helen Oakwater © Helen Oakwater 2019 © Helen Oakwater 2019
- 35. Trauma Triggered Behaviour Helen Oakwater’s Online Course
- 36. FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, etc LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking REAL and honest EXPERTS in various fields (coaching, leadership, communication skills, trauma, etc) LEADING LEARNER principles FABParents.co.uk © Helen Oakwater 2017