Setting assertive boundaries
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Sophie struggled with asserting boundaries as a child due to her parents' arguments. As an adult, she had unstable relationships and difficulty making decisions. The document discusses how to set healthy boundaries by determining what behaviors you are comfortable with, communicating limits clearly, and addressing boundary violations calmly while also being honest and consistent. It warns that failing to set boundaries can make people angry, tired, and lead to resentment as their own needs go unmet.
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The document discusses assertiveness training and provides guidance on assertive behavior. It defines assertiveness as expressing one's thoughts, feelings, and opinions while also respecting the rights of others. Some key aspects of assertiveness covered include standing up for one's rights in a respectful manner, being direct and honest while also listening to other perspectives, and finding a balance between passiveness and aggression. Examples are provided to illustrate assertive, passive, and aggressive behaviors in different situations.
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Setting assertive boundaries
- 1. Setting Assertive Boundaries In everyday life
- 2. From an early age Sophie’s parents would argue and she felt that she was in between them. Not wanting to cause any more arguments, she would always keep quiet even when she had things to say. This habit of not speaking up stayed with her. She became used to not speaking up for herself and saying what she wanted. She struggled to make decisions and her own relationships were unstable. Sophie
- 3. A boundary is like an invisible line between what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with Set limits that you are willing to accept in your mind and stick to them Decide where your boundaries lie How far is too far? Would you allow someone to: •Tell you what to do? •Stamp around the house? •Throw things? •Insult you? •Share your secrets, pictures or personal information without your consent?
- 4. Healthy and un-healthy boundaries
- 5. Boundaries can still be flexible and allow people some leeway. You might choose to open up your boundaries to some people that you know and trust. You might decide to share personal information with them and be physically closer to them if you know them well and trust them. This trust takes time to build up and should be reviewed if the other person does things to violate that trust. Boundaries can be flexible
- 6. Use the ASSA technique: Alert the person that you need to speak to them about something ‘I need to talk to you about…’ State what the problem is ‘I am not happy with you shouting at me.’ Sell the benefits of them behaving differently ‘In future if you have something to say to me I would prefer if you could talk and not shout.’ Agree. Seek agreement that they will do things differently in the future ‘Can we agree that in future you won’t shout if you need to say something to me.’ If someone crosses your boundaries:
- 7. A bit of forgiveness is a good thing and it helps us to manage conflicts. However if you are continually forgiving someone for their behaviour and it does not change they may get worse. If we constantly make allowances or excuses for someone else's bad behaviour then they won’t see it as a problem and they will keep doing it. Constant forgiveness can make things worse
- 8. When people cross our boundaries we may feel angry or upset. It is important to acknowledge this emotion and give yourself time to calm down before addressing things with the person. It is important that you clearly communicate about why this behaviour is not acceptable to you and in order to do this you need to be feeling calm. Stay calm
- 9. Be open and honest with someone when they cross your boundaries. You will ultimately gain their respect if you are honest with them. Be honest
- 10. A person without boundaries may become increasingly angry at themselves and others for not getting what they want. It can also be tiring as you end up constantly doing things for other people because you feel you can’t say no. You might end up feeling resentful as your own needs are not being met or guilty as you worry that you have not pleased everyone else. The dangers of not setting boundaries