This document provides information to parents on protecting children from sexual abuse. It discusses identifying sexual offenders, teaching children about boundaries and sexuality appropriately for their age, behaviors that could indicate abuse, interrupting inappropriate behaviors, maintaining open communication as children grow, establishing healthy relationships, understanding coercive and relational offenders, signs of sexual manipulation, and responding to boundary violations. The key topics covered are identifying sexual offenders, teaching children about boundaries and sexuality in an age-appropriate way, behaviors that could indicate abuse, and how to respond to boundary violations or manipulation.

1. UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL OFFENDERS AND LEARNING
HOW TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN
MONICA APPLEWHITE, PH.D.
CONFIANZA, LLC
PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM
SEXUAL ABUSE: A PROGRAM FOR
PARENTS

2. WHO ARE THE SEXUAL OFFENDERS?
2
Male Female

3. WHAT DO WE TEACH CHILDREN…AND
HOW…AND WHEN??
3
● Connect teaching with developmental milestones.
● Communicate the rules about the body parts.
● Connect teaching to other forms of respect and rules.
● Identify feelings and give them names.
● Participate in problem-solving with your child – don’t just seize control.
● Tell the truth about sexual matters when they ask, or tell the truth by saying, “I’m sorry
you are too young for that conversation.”
● Respect the pressures of social conventions regarding their ability to resist or prevent
inappropriate conduct or physical contact.
● Observe your child interact with others, label and process what you see with your child.
● Let your child see and hear you interrupt inappropriate behavior.
● Avoid forcing your child to show affection to others – allow the choice.
● Let your child know what you are interested in knowing how they spend their time in other
environments by asking lots of questions and listening attentively to answers.

4. BEHAVIORS THAT MATTER
4
● Relationship is “too special”
● Too much affection or inappropriate affection
● Preferring time alone
● Too many gifts
● Over-stepping parents
● Too child-like or impulsive
● Poor judgment when it comes to children
● Asks children to keep secrets
● Breaking the rules
● Child reports behaviors you have never observed

5. INTERRUPTING BEHAVIORS THAT
MATTER
5
● Pretend it was aggression or rough-housing – what would you do?
● Allow your child to observe you interrupting
● I’m teaching my child
● The rules for Rachael are…
● In our family we don’t…
● Please don’t…
● Ask questions
● Observe for yourself
● Talk to another adult who was there
● Talk to an older child who has been there
● Remove your child from the situation

6. AS YOUR CHILDREN GROW…
6
● Increase problem solving dialogue
● Encourage your child to use and test skills
● Be prepared to intervene
● Be prepared not to intervene
● Continue to manage information
● Continue to be honest
● Answer questions – Be their primary source!
● Remember, teasing, exploding and dismissing are all punishments
● Listening, respecting and supporting are re-enforcers
● Continue to be protective and share increasingly specific information
about your concerns

7. BOUNDARIES
• Physical boundaries – Protect your body.
Determine who can touch you, when they can touch
you, where they can touch you and in what
circumstances.
• Emotional boundaries – Protect your Feelings.
Determine how close you are to a person, how much
time you spend with him or her, and what you share
with the person.
• Behavioral boundaries – Protect your Actions.
Determine what behaviors are acceptable for you and
which ones are not.
77

8. BOUNDARIES AND RELATIONSHIPS
88
We may be more vulnerable to unhealthy
relationships when our boundaries are
•Too open
•Too closed

9. SIGNS THAT BOUNDARIES MAY BE TOO
OPEN…
• Will do anything to avoid conflict.
• Shares too much personal information.
• Believes he or she deserves poor treatment.
• Believes anything people say.
• Wears excessively revealing clothing.
• Stands or sits too close to others.
• Can’t say no.
• Takes responsibility for other people’s feelings.
• Trusts strangers.
• Can’t see flaws in other people.
99

10. • Avoids getting close to people.
• Doesn’t trust anyone.
• Doesn’t let other people do appropriate favors.
• Doesn’t have close friends.
• Refuses appropriate touch.
• Immediately says no to spending time with people.
• Doesn’t tell anyone about his or her real thoughts or
feelings.
• Doesn’t know his or her own thoughts and feelings.
• Won’t ask for help, even when needed.
• Doesn’t give her own opinions, even when asked.
• Doesn’t let anyone know the “real” person.
1010
SIGNS THAT BOUNDARIES MAY BE TOO
OPEN…

11. THE BUILDING BLOCKS FOR HEALTHY
LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS
11
Strong family relationships
Same gender friendships
Opposite gender friendships
Friendly dating
Exclusive dating
Commitment

12. THE PERSON IS TOO CONTROLLING
WHEN…
12
❑ He or she is constantly checking up on you.
❑ Tries to force you to do what he or she wants.
❑ Sends mean or threatening emails or notes to you.
❑ Has a bad temper and takes it out on you.
❑ Never listens to what you have to say.
❑ Tells you how to dress or wear your makeup.
❑ Tells you who you can and cannot be friends with.
❑ Humiliates you in front of other people.
❑ Criticizes everything about you.
❑ Threatens violence against you, other people or themselves.
❑ Tries to keep you away from your friends or family members.

13. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
• Are not secret
• Don’t make you feel guilty or ashamed
• Don’t force you to do things you know are
wrong
• Make you feel better about yourself
• Involve mutual caring and concern
• Develop over time
13

14. TWO TYPES OF SEXUAL OFFENDERS
14
Two categories:
•Coercive offenders – use force, violence, or threats to
sexually abuse. May be a stranger or someone we know.
•Relational offenders – use grooming and sexual
manipulation to sexually abuse. Normally known.
A sexual offender is a person who commits sexual crimes
such as rape, looking in windows, or having sexual
contact with a child or young person.
Sexual offenders may be male or female, old or young,
attractive or unattractive, smooth-talking or awkward,
rich or poor, in real life or in virtual space.

15. UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL
MANIPULATION
• The Goal of sexual manipulation is always
CONTROL.
• The sexual manipulator’s goal is for the other
person to be in a position where she FEELS
LIKE she cannot say NO to anything the
manipulator wants.
• Sexual manipulation is also used by sexual
offenders and by people who want to serve their
own sexual interests without regard for the
wants and feelings of the other person.
15

16. THE TOOLS OF SEXUAL MANIPULATION
• Infatuation
• Status
• Flattery
• Possessiveness
• Jealousy and accusations
• Isolation and dependency
• Intimidation
• Anger and displays of strength
• Alcohol and drugs
• Indebtedness
• Blackmail
16

17. RESPONDING TO BOUNDARY
VIOLATIONS AND SEXUAL
MANIPULATION 1717
• Avoid
• Confront
• Distract
• Assertive Approach
• Find someone to run interference
• Disclose and Discuss
• Report
Before you can deal with Boundary Violations and Sexual Manipulation, you must
be honest with yourself about anything has already happened. Being honest is
much easier when you have someone to talk with – other than the manipulator!

18. 18
Contact: Monica Applewhite, Ph.D.
mapplewhite@confianzallc.com