How to build relationships and support families

1. 7/12/2013
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It’s Not My Kid! It’s You
People! Building Positive Relationships
with Parents
Presented by
Angela Searcy, M.S.
asearcya@aol.com
708-845-2343
Angela Searcy asearcya@aol.com 708-845-2343
Angela Searcy M.S., D.T. holds a B.A. degree in English and secondary education
with teacher certification though the state of Illinois and a M.S. degree in early
childhood development from Erikson Institute, with a specialization in Infant Studies
and a credential in developmental therapy. Angela is a Diversifying in Higher
Education in Illinois Fellow at Argosy University in the Doctor of Education
Program
• Angela is the owner and founder of Simple Solutions Educational Services, has
over 20 years of experience in the field of education, is an approved professional
development provider by the Illinois State Board of Education, an educational
consultant for Teaching Strategies, LLC, , Lakeshore Learning, Carson CA and Center
on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL) at
Vanderbilt University. Angela is also a professor at Rasmussen College and PDI
coach at Ounce of Prevention
A former associate at the Neuropsychology Diagnostic Center in Orland Park,
Illinois, Angela has specialized training in the neurosciences and is a nationally
recognized speaker with extensive experience working with professionals, young
children, and their families as an early childhood teacher, child development specialist,
staff developer, mental health consultant, parent educator, language arts teacher,
college professor and tutor. Her expertise encompasses developing behavior
modification programs from a neuropsychological perspective, and creating
professional development grounded in neuroscience research related to adult
learning.
She has been featured on Chicago Public Radio’s Chicago Matters, Chicago Parent
and Chicago Baby Magazines and is a regular speaker for the Learning and the
Brain Conference Sponsored by Harvard, Yale and Stanford Universities.
Angela Searcy’s Simple
Solutions Show! EVERY Sat
at 11am CST @
www.globalnewsforum.com
Want the WHOLE Power point???
Facebook: Angela Nelson-Searcy
http://www.facebook.com/people/Angela-
Nelson-Searcy/100001295809551
Linkedin: Angela Searcy, M.S.
http://www.linkedin.com/in/angelasearcy
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Activity: Reflecting on Our Own
Relationships
Think about a satisfying relationship in
your life. Name three things that make it
satisfying.
“Working with parents is
hard because...”

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They are in denial
• They don’t want to talk to me
• There is no trust
• They are sometimes from a very
different culture
• They are under a lot of stress
• There is no time
• They are avoidant
• We do not agree on what is best
for the child
The good ole days
Dr. Marcus Welby
Parent support – mostly
unquestioned
If I get in trouble at school, I’ll
be in trouble at home
Punish now, Ask questions
later
Teachers and school were
revered and respected much
like clergy and church
The good ole days weren’t that
good!
Dr. Derek McDreamy
Today’s parents have SAME values. Do your
actions always match your values???
I have more information about school so I am
an authority as well.
Parents had a bad experience in school.
Parents were abused as children
Values don’t always match actions
Do you value eating healthy ?
Do you value exercise?
Do you value being economical ?

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Good Times
Nuclear family
Stay at home mother
Respect for authority
Value of education
Wants the best for children
Modern Family
Same sex/single
parent/never
married/divorced homes
Questions authority
Remembers bad
experiences at school
Culturally diverse
Value of education
Wants the best for children
Ageless Desire of Parents
Florida & James Evans value
education and want the best for their
children.
Rosanne and Dan Conner value
education and want the best for their
children
.
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Possible Risk Factors Affecting Families
Poverty
Nonflexible work situations
No maternal or paternal leave
Little support from other family members or
neighbors
Challenging relationships with their own families
Substance abuse
Domestic violence
Barriers to Working with Families
Differences between parents’ and schools’ goals for
children’s education
Language differences
Varied structural constraints (e.g., school accessibility
limited to workday hours).
Distrust of educational professionals
Negative experiences entering the education system
A need for frequent communication from professionals
Difficulty obtaining services
(Dunlap, G. (1999); Dunlap, G., Robbins, F., & Darrow, M. (1994); Stoner, J., Bock, S., Thompson, J., Angell, M. Hely, B., &
Crowley, E. (2005).
Maternal Depression
A combination of symptoms that interfere
with the ability to work, sleep, eat, enjoy
and parent - affect all aspects of work and
family life;
An illness that frequently starts early in life,
that may have a biological component, and
that produces substantial disability in
functioning
http://www.nccp.org/publications/pdf/text_791.pdf

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1. What is the ‘‘‘‘tip of the
iceberg’’’’ behavior?
2. What you don’t see on the
surface!
3. Asking OPEN-ENDED
questions to find out all that is
underneath!
Advice it just a TIP of the iceberg! You Hit a Nerve!
What Gets on Your
Nerves
Possible reasons behind
this behavior
What you can do as a
professional
Parents in That don’t
follow through
Parents in denial
Stages of Loss
In my mind, the greatest value of this model
is to emphasize that grief is not one-
dimensional: It manifests in a jumble of
intense emotions. Dealing with grief is not a
linear progression, but a whole process with
chaotic twists and turns. How these "stages"
relate to each other has very little to do with
logical thinking. Actually, the emotional logic
of grief, so to speak, is in the jumble of
emotions.
Parenthood
7 Stages
Shock and Denial
In this stage, the person suffers from shock on knowing about the loss. Shock is a self defense
stage of the mind and the outcome of it, many times, is denial of the facts that have actually
happened. A person in grief thinks that he is dreaming and he refuses to accept the grief causing
situation. The time for which this stage lasts cannot be determined. Simple tasks and decisions
cannot be carried out by a person in shock.
Pain and Guilt
At this stage, the grieving person realizes that the loss that has happened is true. This is the most
chaotic and scary stage of grief. Many people succumb to alcohol and drugs at this stage. Intense
feelings of guilt and compunction are experienced due to the wrong things done which led to this
irreversible loss. Sometimes, in grief, people blame themselves and consider themselves
responsible for the loss.
Anger
In this stage, the person may get angry due to the injustice that has happened to him or he may
get angry over a person responsible for the loss in his life. Anger management is necessary at this
stage of grief.
7 stages
Bargaining
In this stage, person in grief gets frustrated and may start blaming others for the loss.
Although this blame is not correct, he is not in a state to understand and accept the
reality. The person starts bargaining for the loss and tries to find out ways in which he
can revert the situation and compensate for what he has lost. This stage is called
bargaining.
Depression and Sorrow
In this stage, the person accepts the loss but is unable to cope up with it. Depressed
and demoralized, the person is in despair and behaves passively. He sees no remedy
to the loss he suffered and is reluctant to behave in a normal way and thus goes into
a state of depression.
Testing and Reconstruction
This is the testing stage in which the depressed person starts to indulge in other
activities so as to escape the disturbing sorrow. In fact, this is the beginning of the
next and last stage, i.e. acceptance of and coming to terms with the reality. It is also a
stage of reconstruction as in this stage, he starts the process reconstruction of his life
by searching for solutions and ways to come out of his grief.

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7 stages
Acceptance
This is the stage when the grieving person accepts the
reality. Acceptance stage projects a ray of hope and the
person starts believing in himself. Reality and facts of life
are accepted and the person moves forward with this
life. This stage can be noticed when the person starts
behaving normally and his performance in the office is
quite improved. The grieving person starts to mingle with
friends and colleagues around him. VIDEO!
Holland?
“It is easier to work with
parents when they…”
• Want to work with you
• Trust you
• Know you care about their child
• Smile
• Are pleasant
• Speak the same language
• Are open to suggestions
• Take responsibility
• Say hello
• Volunteer at the program
• Pay me respect
What is the Difference Between Knowledge
and Wisdom?

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Culture shapes our understanding
of…
Time
Childrearing
Social interactions
Communication
Age
Family life
Education
Korean-American
Mothers
European-
American Mothers
Believe parents and
children should play
together
54% 96%
Prefer children play
with sex-typed toys
(e.g., boys play with
trucks)
71% 43%
Provide children with
many chances to
decide (e.g., give child
choices)
11% 66%
(Farver & Lee-Shin, 2000)
Behavioral Expectations of Two Groups of Mothers
Mean Age Expectation in Months
for Milestone Attainment
Caucasian Puerto Rican Filipino
Eat Solid Food 8.2 10.1 6.7*
Training Cup 12.0 17.1 21.9*
Utensils 17.7 26.5 32.4*
Finger Food 8.9 9.4 9.5
Wean 16.8 18.2 36.2*
Sleep by Self 13.8 14.6 38.8*
Sleep all Night 11.4 14.5 32.4*
Choose Clothes 31.1 44.2 33.1*
Dress Self 38.2 44.2 39.2
Play Alone 25.0 24.8 12.3*
Toilet Trained-Day 31.6 29.0 20.4*
Toilet Trained-Night 33.2 31.8 34.2
Carlson & Harwood (2000)
34
According to your cultural/family beliefs and
values, toddlers should complete potty
learning by 32 months. The family of a young
child you care for expects their child to
complete potty learning at 20 months. What
can you do to best understand and support
this child and family?
35
Activity: Partner Discussion Vignette 1
Feelings
Dilemma
Solution
Group 1 is assigned to
consider the questions
taking on the role of the
Child.
Group 2 takes on the role
of the Teacher.
Group 3 takes on the role
of the Parents.
Group 4 takes on the role
of the Mental Health
Consultant.

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Things to Think About..
Avoid interpreting parents' difficulties as a
personal affront to you: Marquise's parents
may need time to cool down, but by providing
consistent friendly contact, the Head Start staff
can work on keeping the lines of communication
open.
Carefully choose the place, time and
manner in which you share information
and ask questions of a parent: The
teacher and mental health consultant
should make time to discuss the
meeting and the events leading up to that
meeting. Through this discussion, they can
reflect on each meeting member's
Try to find a common goal
Respect parents' needs and timing; Try
to really listen:
Marquise's parents may say that they
do not want to meet again. Staff must listen
carefully to why they are reluctant and keep an
open mind about how their concerns can be
addressed. Keep the focus of the conversation
on Marquise and how parents and staff might
work towards the shared goal of what is best for
him.
Managing Personal
Stress: Thought Control
Calming Thoughts
“My job is to stay calm and try to better
understand their perspective”
“I can handle this. I am the professional
and I am in control.
“
Upsetting Thoughts
“This family is horrendous!.
This is getting ridiculous.
They’ll never change.”
“I’m sick of putting out fires!”
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Managing Personal
Stress: Thought Control
Calming Thoughts
“ Children can act differently at home
than at school. Let me ask more
questions”
“I am making a difference, this child
spends five hours with me everyday”
“
Upsetting
Thoughts
“The family
says he talks at
home …yeah
right!.”
“I feel like all
the work I put
in is undone on
the weekend!
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42
Strategies for Reframing
Take deep breaths
Relaxation and meditation exercises
Focus on what you can do; think about the
messages of your behavior
Find support

8. 7/12/2013
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Strategies for Reframing
Notice your own feelings, step back
Observe the behavior
Ask “I wonder questions” about the behavior
Further educate yourself about a child’s age
and stage of growth
Personal reaction/professional action!
Sometimes We Disagree Look for common ground
“Talking to parents is difficult
when…”
• They are hostile
• They ignore what I say because I am not a parent
• They rush in and out of the classroom
without saying hello or goodbye
• We do not speak the same language
• You don’t know the parent
• You are in the classroom and trying to
watch the children
• They yell or curse
• They are shy or unresponsive
• They won’t believe what you say
about their child’s behavior
• They don’t trust you
• I am preoccupied with something else

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Simple Solutions Steps to Arrival Simple Solutions Support!
Simple Solutions Parent book :How I should
Hang out my Coat CEDA Bridgeview Head Start
Just the Facts Ma’am!
Specific Verb Phrases
greets peer appropriately
can count to 25
speaks in one to two word
sentences
writes answers to double-
digit addition
can name five careers and
five jobs associated with
each
AVOID Vague Verb
Phrases
Is friendly
can’t talk well
knows his letters
knows different careers
talks excessively
is a loner
Is aggressive
Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri
How does
he come
to
school?
Rides the
bus
√√√√ √√√√ √√√√
Mom
brings
√√√√ √√√√
Tantrum
at a.m.
circle
√√√√ √√√√ √√√√
His
behavior?
Tantrum
at snack
√√√√ √√√√ √√√√
Tantrum
at small
group
√√√√ √√√√ √√√√
Sample Setting
Event Chart

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Child’s Name: Tim Observer: ___________________
Check yes (Y) or no (N) at time one (T1) and time two (T2) to indicate whether the child
is interacting with a peer at the time of observation. T1 and T2 observations should be at
least 5 minutes apart.
Activity Date:____ Date:____ Date:____ Date:____ Date:____
Centers T1: T2:
x_Y __Y
__N x_N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
Lunch T1: T2:
__Y __Y
x_N x_N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
Outside T1: T2:
__Y x_Y
x_N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
T1: T2:
__Y __Y
__N __N
Ratio: __2__#yes
__6__total #
observed
_____#yes
____total #
observed
_____#yes
____total #
observed
_____#yes
____total #
observed
_____#yes
____total #
observed
Rate the problem behavior:
0 = no problems, 1 = whining, resisting, 2 = screaming, falling on floor, 3 = screaming, hitting, other aggression
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Arrival
0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3
Circle
0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3
Nap
0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3
Clean-up
0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3
Other:
_Bus Ride_ 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3 0 1 2 3
Average Score Average Score:
3
Average Score:
2.2
Average Score:
1.4
Average Score:
1.4
Average Score:
.8
Amy’s Transition
Week of: _________________
Scatter Plot
Dates
Time Activity 10/1 10/2 10/3 10/4 10/5 10/8 10/9 10/10 10/11 10/12
7:30 Arrival
Free Choice
9:00 Planning
9:30 Centers
10:30 Snack
11:00 Outside
11:30 Small Group
12:00 Lunch
12:30 Nap
1:30 Outside
2:30 P.M. Circle
3:00 Departure
Student:
Observer:
Dates:
Target Behavior:
Usinga scatter plot involvesrecordingthe timesof day (and/or activities) in
which the behavior doesand doesnot occur to identify patternsover days or
weeks
Rachel
Maya
10/1 through 10/12
Hitting Peers
Behavior did
notoccur
Behavior did
occur
Didnot
observe
NA
Child’s Name: ______________________ Behavior: ____sitting______
Week of: _________________ Average Duration for Week: ___9___ minutes
Starting from the bottom, shade the number of boxes that represent the length of the target behavior.
Each box represents TWO minutes.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
30 30 30 30 30
28 28 28 28 28
26 26 26 26 26
24 24 24 24 24
22 22 22 22 22
20 20 20 20 20
18 18 18 18 18
16 16 16 16 16
14 14 14 14 14
12 12 12 12 12
10 10 10 10 10
8 8 8 8 8
6 6 6 6 6
4 4 4 4 4
2 2 2 2 2
Learning From Families
Encourage families to
share their observations
Let families know their
observations are important
and valued.
Place a basket at sign-in
for families to drop off
photos and notes to
support careful
observation.
59
Shared by Kristin Tenney-Blackwell
“Making connections with parents
is important because…”

11. 7/12/2013
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• The parent is the child’s first teacher
• It is what is best for the child
• It is the only way to connect school
and home
• It is a goal of Head Start
• They need our help
• They have issues that affect their
children
• It is the best way to build trust
Tips for making your classroom feel more
comfortable…
Tips for making your program feel
more welcoming…
Pay special attention to the physical entrance to
your program and consider adding plants or art
to create a lively
but warm atmosphere.
Have coffee, tea, or water available for parents
and staff.
Provide helpful signs in the languages spoken
by the families, including where to find key
administrators, and access to resources.
•
Tips for making your program feel
more welcoming…
Create an attractive display that includes a
picture, name, and title for each staff member.
Create an easily located Parent Resource Area
that is maintained on a regular basis. This could
be a table or
bulletin board that lists safe and inexpensive or
free activities for families to do in the community,
mental and
physical health resources, and information about
starting kindergarten.
How to Handle Angry Parents
Learning how to defuse negative emotions is
a critical professional skill that is apart of
our job as educators
It doesn’t matter if the problems are real
or imagined—what matters is the fact a
family perceives a problem and there needs
to be an agreed upon solution
Okay, what should I say?
Say, “I’m sorry that happened.”
You’re admitting no guilt.
You’re not suggesting any change in plan.
“How can we work together to make sure this doesn’t
happen again?”
As the professional it is your job to stay calm and resolve
school problems with both adults and children and the only
person’s behavior you can control is yours!

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The Best Way to Get in the Last Word
The best way to get in the last word is to
APOLOGIZE.
Resources
• “How to Deal with Parents Who Are Angry,
Troubled,Afraid or Just Plain Crazy” by Elaine K.
Mc Ewan
• “How to Handle Difficult Parents” by Suzanne
Tingley
• “Dealing with Difficult Parents and Parents in
Difficult Situations” by Todd Whitaker and
Douglas Fiore