The document discusses the importance of self-esteem in children and teens, highlighting its impact on mental health, coping abilities, and overall well-being. It critiques the self-esteem movement, emphasizing that authentic achievement fosters true self-esteem rather than empty praise. The document also offers practical strategies for parents to support their children in building self-esteem and recognizing negative thought patterns.

1. Improving Self-Esteem In
Children and Teens
Angela Adamson, LCSW, ACT
Behavioral Health & Cognitive
Therapy Center

2. Agenda
• What is Self-Esteem?
• Why it is important
• Statistics
• Self-Esteem Movement
• Cognitive Model
• Explanatory Style
• What can parents do?

3. What is self-esteem
• Self-Acceptance

strengths and weaknesses

accuracy
• Doing well Feeling good

Mastery of skills/strengths

Bonus side effect
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

4. Why is it important?
If you have low self-
esteem it can lead to:
•Depression
•Anxiety
•Pervasive pessimism
•Difficulty coping with stress
•Anger
•Reduced effort
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

5. Statistics
• 10-15% of children have some symptoms of
depression right now
• 1/33 children have clinical depression
• 1/8 adolescents have clinical depression
• Since the 1960s depression has been
significantly increasing.
• 30 year old women 1940 vs. 1980
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.
Chansky, Tamar (2008). Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

6. Self-Esteem Movement
•Last several decades
•Individualism
•Away from achievement and towards
happiness and self-esteem
Self Esteem Movement =
“Protecting our children from bad feelings
will improve self-esteem.”
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

7. Self-Esteem Movement
Retrieved from, http://www.bernardgoldberg.com/the-presidency-should-not-be-a-participation-trophy/ on February 18, 2013

8. Self-Esteem Movement
Retrieved from, http://www.votersopinion.com/?p=3679 on February 18, 2013

9. Self-Esteem Movement
Retrieved from, http://nicoleabdou-destinationunknown.blogspot.com/2011/08/trophy-theory.html on February 18, 2013.

10. Self-Esteem Movement
Self Esteem Movement =
“Protecting our children from bad feelings
will improve self-esteem.”
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

11. Self-Esteem Movement

Feeling good Doing well
• Backwards!

Empty Praise

Inauthentic
• We got it wrong!
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

12. Self-Esteem Movement
“Parental Guidance” Clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BzOH61eL24

13. The Cognitive Model
Situation
Thought
Feeling Body
Behavior
Response

14. The Cognitive Model
• Link between events and how we feel is
a lot lower than previously thought.
Image from www.pedigreedatabase.com

15. How we explain events to ourselves
• This is called “Explanatory Style”
• Think about where you fall on continuum/where
your child falls?
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

16. Explanatory Style-
Good Events
Permanent Temporary
Across situations One situation
Self Others
High Self Esteem: I am good at math so I got a good grade on the
test (permanent). If I could do well on this test I know I can do well on
my Bio exam (across situations). Good thing I put in those extra hours
studying, it really paid off (self).
Low Self-Esteem: I just got lucky on this math test (temporary). I
am still going to fail my Bio exam (one situation). The teacher probably
made this test easier (others).
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

17. Explanatory Style-
Negative Events
Permanent Temporary
Across situations One situation
Self Other
High Self Esteem: I didn’t study hard enough for this math test
(temporary). At least there are more tests , I’ll work harder and do
better on those (one situation). My coach had us do extra practices so
there was less time to study (other).
Low Self-Esteem: I am never going to figure out math
(permanent). I hate school, I am a horrible student (across situations).
If I was smarter then my life would be so much better (self).
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

18. What can parents do?

19. What to Teach About Thoughts
1. We constantly have thoughts
2. Just because we think something doesn’t
mean it’s true or not true
• Example: Rainbow Striped Elephant

20. What to Teach About Thoughts
3. We don’t always realize thoughts are
going through our mind
• Example: Tying a shoe
4. Our thoughts lead to our feelings/actions
• Example: Dog

21. How to Recognize Negative
Thoughts
• Goal: be more aware of thoughts as
precursor to feelings.
• Feelings are indicator of thoughts.
• Identify thoughts once per day.

22. How to Recognize Negative
Thoughts
For children:
•“Thought catching” game.
• Positive, negative, neutral
•“Negative Brain” Character.
• Bad News Brain
•Label
• “It looks like Bad News Brain might be talking to
you right now.”
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.
Chansky, Tamar (2008). Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

24. How to Recognize Negative
Thoughts
For teens:
•Daily list of thoughts.
•Code Words for “Negative Brain”
•Listening
• How are they explaining what happened
to them?

25. How to Combat
Negative Thoughts
• Stand up for yourself!
• Be skeptical.

Find the truth within the thought.
• Repeat and practice!

26. How to Combat
Negative Thoughts
For children:
•“Bossing Back”
•Parental “bossing back”
Chansky, Tamar (2008). Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

27. “Bossing Back”
• Mr. Mean Head, you aren’t the boss of me!
• Mr. Mean Head, you’re tricking me again.
• You never tell me the truth!
• You lie to me, I know the truth is__________.
Chansky, Tamar (2008). Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

28. Parental “Bossing Back”
• “That sounds like Mr. Mean Head again!”
• “Woah, Mr. Mean Head is really bothering you
today.”
• “It’s not fair to you how much Mr. Mean Head
is talking to you today.”
Chansky, Tamar (2008). Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

29. How to Combat
Negative Thoughts
For children:
•High Five Activity
•Rhymes
Huebner, D (2007). What to Do When You Grumble Too Much. Washington, DC: Magination Press

30. How to Combat
Negative Thoughts
For teens:
•Evidence “for” and “against” thought.
•What is the truth?
•Coping Statements
Fox, M & Sokol, L (2011). Think Confident, Be Confident, For Teens. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

32. Finding the Truth
Finding more helpful thoughts...

“Even though….the truth is….”

“It may be true that…however…”
• Even though I wasn’t invited to Jessica’s birthday
party, it does not mean that I have no friends. I have
been invited to a lot of other parties. I will invite Jill
over from my dance class on that day and we will do
something fun.

33. Intrinsic Goals
• Intrinsic Goals such as building skill,
relationships and being helpful improve
self-esteem
• Extrinsic Goals such as making money,
improving image and popularity
decrease self-esteem.

34. Intrinsic Goals
• Encourage Relationships with peers

For Children: Help them set up play-dates,
develop friendships with parents, be involved in
classroom.

For teens: Let them go out with friends.

35. Intrinsic Goals
• Find your child’s strengths and help them
use them.

List of 24 basic strengths

Strength vs. skill

Find balance

Offer specific praise: “When you stopped playing
to find out why Susie was crying you were so kind
and loving.”
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

36. Intrinsic Goals
1. Gratitude

Says thank you without prompting.

Acknowledges good others do.
• I loved how you wanted to send thank you cards to
the firemen that helped clear the roads during
Hurricane Sandy. You have gratitude.
2. Forgiveness

Not holding grudges.

Giving people second chances.
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

37. Autonomy
• Avoid “helicopter parenting”
• Allow your child/teen to make mistakes.
• Trust them to make certain decisions,
even if they are not the ones you would
make (ie; when they should begin their homework)

38. Autonomy
• Allow for self-direction vs. management
when appropriate.
• Teach the skill of self-management

Management: Did you put your soccer shoes, change of
clothes and water bottle in your bag?

Self-Direction: Remember, you have practice today at 5:00.
• Without independence, children/teens
may develop a belief about themselves
that they are inadequate or not capable.

39. How to Praise
• Offer praise accurately.
• Praise effort.
• Avoid empty praises.

Offering empty praise too often can lead to
difficulty for children to internally motivate
themselves

Problems in “real world”
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

40. How to Praise
• Empty Praise:

(After striking out at a baseball game) You
did such a great job today! You are such a
good baseball player!
• Accurate Praise:

You put a lot of effort into the game today. I
bet if you keep practicing the way you have
been you’ll keep improving!
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

41. Criticize with Care
• Be Accurate!
• Avoid permanent and pervasive criticism

For example: “You never listen to anything I
say, you’ll never amount to anything!” or “I will
never trust you again.”
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

42. Criticize with Care
• Strive for temporary and specific criticism

“I did not like that you called Susie ‘stupid’ today. I
was surprised since you are typically such a
supportive big sister. I expect you to work on that.”

“I felt really disappointed that you didn’t study more
for your math exam. Next time I expect you’ll start
sooner.”
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

43. When to Seek Help
• Low mood most days for a month or
more
• Difficulty/Refusal with going to
school/activities
• Self-harm
• Thoughts of suicide
• If your child asks for help

44. Additional Information
• The Optimistic Child by Martin Seligman
• Freeing Your Child of Negative Thinking by Tamar Chansky
• Think Confident, Be Confident For Teens by Marci Fox and
Leslie Sokol
• What to Do When you Grumble Too Much by Dawn
Huebner
• www.authentichappiness.com

45. Q and A

46. References
Chansky, Tamar (2008). Freeing Your Child From Negative
Thinking. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.
Fox, M & Sokol, L (2011). Think Confident, Be Confident, For
Teens. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Huebner, D (2007). What to Do When You Grumble Too Much.
Washington, DC: Magination Press.
Seligman, Martin (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York, NY:
Harper Collins.