This document discusses effective communication with children. It emphasizes that communication skills develop through interaction and exposure to language from a young age. Delays in communication can lead to behavioral issues if a child cannot understand or express feelings and needs. Parents must interpret behaviors and attach words to feelings to help children communicate effectively. Role playing communication scenarios can help teach children to use language instead of actions to get needs met and make decisions.

1. TWIG BENDERS
SESSION 5
Making Yourself Understood

2. This Child Just Won‟t Listen
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How do you think communication skills in our
children developed?
What currently do we use to get our child‟s
attention?
How do we know when we have our child‟s
attention?

3. Development of Communication
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Communication is a child‟s ability to take in
info, think about it, and share thoughts with
others….
Physical biological based reasons for being
unable to communicate require specific
interventions
 Like
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deafness, learning disabilities, etc.
Often children have developmental reasons for
inability to communicate that we must address
in a developmental way
 Arrested
development = communication delays

4. Communication Delays
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From day one infants begin communication
development
Listening, sounds, mimicking
Through interaction they
increase and discriminate
understanding
Non-verbal cue deciphering
Key is exposing them to the
communication and stimuli

5. If Communication is Delayed
Children with delays in communication will
experience behavioral problems
 Anxiety
 Hyperactivity
 School Problems
 Unable to solve problems
 “Not listening”
 Negative impact on feelings
Relies on others interpretations
 Source of data to computer


6. Infants reliance on others
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Babies use what they have to express infantile
feelings. They rely on the interpretation of
others. These skills may be good or not so
good.
 Ex.
A baby bundled up for cold weather then
brought inside stays bundled up and becomes
fussy. If mother is not able to interpret babies
fussiness for “I‟m hot!” then the infant stays
bundled up
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Children with developmental delays in the area
of language also rely on others to interpret
their poor communication skills. They will use
what they have or do know

7. Example
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A child unable to process information or use
verbal means to express himself becomes
anxious, he may start to make strange sounds,
stare into space, and avoid others. If he get
restless with a need he cannot express his
teacher labels him hyperactive. He appears to
refuse to listen to the teacher and medication is
sought. But medication won‟t address a
developmental delay.
If a child has difficulty solving problems, he may
get angry and swear at the teacher because he is
unable to say “I need help.” He may disrupt the
classroom and get kicked out leaving him feeling
set apart, afraid, and of less value

8. We Feel How We Act
Most people think that they have “feelings” and that they
behave in a certain way as a result of those feelings or that
they act how they feel.
The truth is just opposite – rather than behavior following
feelings, feelings follow behavior! So, WE FEEL HOW WE
ACT! Here is a simple test. When you feel angry or
depressed, you are probably engaging in hostile or withdrawn
behaviors (such as clenching your fist, swearing, not talking
and so on). Just try this next time you have those “feelings.”
Isn't there a difference? We can teach children to act happy,
confident, supportive, and such and they will feel that way,
too! The best cure for depression – don‟t act depressed!

9. Feelings instead of Decisions
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If a child operates on feelings instead of decisions = CHAOS
Ex. If a 6-year-old goes to Disney World all day and then
goes to a birthday party that night, he will be exhausted. If he
is able to say, “I‟m tired,” hopefully his caretakers would scoot
him home and into bed as soon as possible. If he isn't able to
say that (or recognize it) he will become more difficult and
unmanageable as he gets more tired. So unless the
caretaker is able
to interpret the behavior as fatigue he will end
up getting into trouble, which will make him act
worse.
This interpretation of behavior by others is very
important in accurately determining why a child
does what he does.

10. Verbal Learning
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For a child to identify what he is feeling and
use that info to make decisions, he depends
on verbal learning
We can‟t think about things we don‟t have
words for
Feelings are important sources of info and are
designed to be put in our “computer” to help us
make decisions

11. Language is control
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IQ is a reflection of how much caretakers talk to a
child
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Babies learn quickly that they can have control over
things/people. When having that control becomes a
big issue (greater need) the behavior that is
controlling becomes escalated.
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If a child has a lot of exposure to words and the
expectation to use them, he will have a great advantage
conceptually
Eating disorders are an example of this – if a child chooses
not to eat and we say they have to, how do we enforce that
besides force feeding?
Keys to the Bank- good communication is like keys to
the bank. Enhancing communication will prevent
children from choosing not to communicate (selective
mutism) as a way to control things/people

12. How to enhance communication
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Teach child to use words not behaviors to
communicate
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Attach words to feelings
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Help the child identify and connect those feeling words with
his current state (“tell me in words” why your crying) and
respond to his words not his behavior
Teach child to figure out reasons
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Give the words to feelings, start with physical feelings
(hungry, tired, cold, etc) then move onto psychological
feelings (sad, happy, mad) then talk about what they mean
so they don‟t just “parrot” or repeat the words but
understand them
If he understands why he feels a certain way he is more
likely to make good decisions (ex. Every time I stay up till 3
a.m. I am crabby. And after a nap I don‟t feel this way)
Be consistent and insistent

13. How to effectively communicate
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Get the child‟s attention
Prepare yourself – calm, resolved, directing!
Keep communication positive and therapeutic
Role play – engage child in practice

14. Getting a child‟s attention
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Control the environment
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Move physically close
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Teach and expect progress with this every conversation
Use physical touch
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Sends the message that this is important, bend to their level
Look in the eye
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Remove, silence, or get away from distractions
Relaxed touch confirms love and a lack of scary anger but also
communicates to the child that you are confident and directing
the situation
Control tone of voice
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Quiet and firm, children listen better the softer you talk and
instinctivley tune out yelling
Keep the conversation very simple, short and concrete

15. Good Attention from a child
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They will have
 Eye
contact
 Relaxed but attentive muscle tone
 Calm tone of voice
 Brain is engaged
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When a child is in-tune the answers will stop
being what they think we want to hear and will
be sincere

16. Preparation
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Pick the right time, be relaxed
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Keep It Slow & Simple (KISS)
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Don‟t respond to other things the child brings up
unless you have to
Don‟t attempt serious conversations until prepared
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Stick to one subject and especially with bright or
manipulative kids who will try to pull you into an
argument
Don‟t react – direct
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Everyone should be calm
Think things through first
Make sure the child is paying attention

17. Positive & Therapeutic
Conversations
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Use praise!
Confront firmly to express “this is important”
Stay calm and deliberate
Don‟t get pulled into power struggles or
dissecting details
Expect follow through
Practice good communication/attention skills
during positive interactions

18. Role Playing
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A way to teach improved communication skills
Use at a time when emotions are not running high or
child is not in trouble
Walk the child through decision making process
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Ex. Kneel down to the child with a hand gently on their
arm. “When we go into the store we are not going to buy
any treats or candy. I have a list that we are going to follow.
When you ask if we can buy something I am going to say
„no.‟ Now, can you tell me what the answer is going to be if
you ask for candy in the store? For a new toy?.....”
Use humor and play to help emphasize learning
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Ex. (continued) “Now what if the store is having a
clearance sale on real army helicopters!!!!! What is the
answer going to be if you want to buy a helicopter?”

19. In Summary
It is important to understand that words are
needed for children to understand feeling,
change how they are acting and provide and
receive good information.
 Children can use language as control.
Effective communication involves teaching the
child to use words rather than behaviors to
communicate, attach words to feelings, figure
out the reasons for feeling, and be consistent
and insistent
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