Here are concise revisions of the wordy sentences: 1. He dropped out of school because he needed to help support his family. 2. The bus company will announce the new schedule within the next few days. 3. Students can meet in many ways.

1. EWRT 1A Class 9

2. AGENDA
Writing Workshop: 20
points: You need two clean,
complete copies of your draft
 Review: MLA Formatting
Revision strategies:
Wordiness
Kaizena Submission
Questions

3. Writing Workshop: Revision strategies
 Choose a partner
 Read both essays aloud before you start
to write about or discuss the essays.
 On separate sheets of paper, answer all
of the questions from the handout for
your partner’s essay.
 When you finish, return your comments
to the writer.
 When you get your essay back, read the
comments and determine how you might
remedy any issues.

4. MLA Formatting Style:
Setting up your paper

5. MLA format: on our website under
“MLA Guidelines.”
MLA (Modern Language Association) style is most commonly used to write papers
and cite sources within the liberal arts and humanities.
MLA style specifies guidelines for formatting manuscripts and using the English
language in writing. MLA style also provides writers with a system for referencing
their sources through parenthetical citation in their essays and Works Cited pages.
Writers who properly use MLA also build their credibility by demonstrating
accountability to their source material. Most importantly, the use of MLA style can
protect writers from accusations of plagiarism, which is the purposeful or
accidental uncredited use of source material by other writers.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/01/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xAc4yZ8VSA

6. Paper Format

7. Margins and
Formatting
Double Click in
Header Area
Type your last name
Justify right
Go to “insert” and click
on “page number
Header: Last Name 1
 1” all around
 Go to “Layout” and
adjust margins or
use custom
settings
 Times New Roman
12
 Indent body
paragraphs ½ inch
from the margin

8. Heading: Double
Spaced
Your Name
Dr. Kim Palmore
EWRT 1A
25 October 2016
Title
Original Title (not the title of
the essay we read)
No italics, bold, underline, or
quotation marks
Centered on the page
No extra spaces (just double
spaced after your heading and
before the body of your text.

10. NEW Skill:
Integrating
Quotations
MLA Style
Review from online class 8

11. According to the St. Martin's Guide, there are
three main ways to set up a signaling phrase:
1. With a complete sentence followed by a colon.
 The effects of Auld's prohibition against teaching Douglass to
read were quite profound for Douglass: "It was a new and special
revelation" (29).
2. With an incomplete sentence, followed by a comma.
 Douglass argues that Auld's prohibition against literacy for him
was a profound experience, saying, "It was a new and special
revelation" (29).
3. With a statement that ends in that.
 The importance of Auld's prohibition to Douglass is clear when
he states that "It was a new and special revelation" (29).

12. Using Signal Phrases:
 One common error a lot of people make
when they include a quotation is that they
tend to put the quotation in a sentence by
itself. Unfortunately, we cannot do this. We
need to use what Diana Hacker calls a signal
phrase to introduce the quote and give our
readers a context for the quote that explains
why we are taking the time to include it in
our paper.

13. Take, for example, this section from a student
paper:
Incorrect: Katniss doesn’t respond to Cinna’s statement, but she agrees
in her head. “He’s right, though. The whole rotten lot of them is
despicable” (65).
Correct: Katniss doesn’t respond to Cinna’s statement, but she agrees in
her head: “He’s right, though. The whole rotten lot of them is
despicable” (65).
Or
Correct: Katniss doesn’t respond to Cinna’s statement. However, she
thinks, “He’s right, though. The whole rotten lot of them is despicable”
(65).

14. The classroom was noisy as the MUN students filed in[. . .] Mr. Mustard began in
the middle of the program, and the room quieted down as we strained to hear the
narrator’s voice:
I look up at the buildings, these immense buildings They are so
enormous. And along the edges of each enormous building are the nets.
Because right at the time that I am making this visit, there has been an
epidemic of suicides at the Foxconn plant. Week after week, worker after
worker has been climbing all the way up to the tops of these enormous
buildings, and then throwing themselves off, killing themselves in a
brutal and public manner, not thinking very much about just how bad
this makes Foxconn look. Foxconn's response to month after month of
suicides has been to put up these nets. (Mr. Daisey and the Apple
Factory)
When citing more than four lines
of prose, use the following
example:
Hanging indent
for long
quotation: 10
spaces

15. When citing two or more paragraphs, use block quotation format, even if
the passage is fewer than four lines. Indent the first line of each quoted
paragraph an extra quarter inch.
Katniss thinks about how difficult it would be to get a meal like this in District 12:
What must it be like, I wonder, to live in a world where food
appears at the press of a button? How would I spend the hours I now
commit to combing the woods for sustenance if it were so easy to
come by? What do they do all day, these people in the Capitol, besides
decorating their bodies and waiting around for a new shipment of
tributes to roll in and die for their entertainment?
I look up and find Cinna’s eyes trained on mine. ‘How despicable
we must seem to you,’ he says. (65)
Katniss doesn’t respond to Cinna’s statement, but she agrees in her head: “He’s
right, though. The whole rotten lot of them is despicable” (65).
Although our world does not really…..
Indent 12.5
Indent 12.5
Indent 5
Indent 10

16. Making A Works Cited
Page MLA Style
Ensure that you have a properly formatted works cited page

17. Review: Here is an overview of the process:
When deciding how to cite your source, start by consulting the list of core elements. These
are the general pieces of information that MLA suggests including in each Works Cited
entry. In your citation, the elements should be listed in the following order:
Author.
Title of source.
Title of container,
Other contributors,
Version,
Number,
Publisher,
Publication date,
Location.
Each element should be followed by the punctuation mark shown here. Earlier editions of
the handbook included the place of publication, and required punctuation such as journal
editions in parentheses, and colons after issue numbers. In the current version,
punctuation is simpler (just commas and periods separate the elements), and information
about the source is kept to the basics.

18. Collins, Suzanne. The Hunger Games. Scholastic Press, 2008.
Student 6
Author
Title of
Source
Publisher
Publication
Date
Citing a single author text in MLA Style

19. Sentence level Writing
Errors
Please use your clean copy to address the following issues.

20. Wordiness

21. Many people write wordy papers because they are trying to make
their ideas sound important by using long words and intricate
sentences. They think that their writing must be complicated to
seem professional. Although these writers are trying to impress
their readers, they often end up confusing them. The best writing
is clear, concise, and easy to understand. Your ideas are much more
impressive when your reader does not have to fight to understand
you.
Wordiness: using more words than
necessary to express thought.

22. Often writers use several words for ideas that can be expressed in one.
This leads to unnecessarily complex sentences and genuine redundancy as
the following examples show:
Redundant
 The printer is located adjacent to
the computer
 The printer is located in the
immediate vicinity of the computer
 The user can visibly see the image
moving
 He wore a shirt that was blue in
color
 The input is suitably processed
Not Redundant
 The printer is adjacent to the
computer
 The printer is near the computer
 The user can see the image moving
 He wore a blue shirt.
 The input is processed

23. Now you try it. Write this sentence in as few words as
possible without changing the meaning!
The available receptacle, in any
case, was of insufficient size to
contain the total quantity of
unnecessary waste.

24. How to reduce wordiness!
1. Reduce Long Clauses
When editing, try to reduce long
clauses to shorter phrases:
Wordy: The clown who was in
the center ring was riding a
tricycle.
Revised: The clown in the
center ring was riding a tricycle.
2. Reduce Phrases
Likewise, try to reduce phrases
to single words:
Wordy: The clown at the end
of the line tried to sweep up
the spotlight.
Revised: The last clown tried
to sweep up the spotlight.

25. Eliminating Wordiness: Strategies
 3. Avoid Empty Openers
 Avoid There is, There are, and
There were as sentence openers
when There adds nothing to the
meaning of a sentence:
 Wordy: There is a prize in every
box of Quacko cereal.
 Revised: A prize is in every box
of Quacko cereal.
 Wordy: There are two security
guards at the gate.
 Revised: Two security guards
stand at the gate.
 4. Don’t Overwork Modifiers
 Do not overwork very, really,
totally, and other modifiers that
add little or nothing to the
meaning of a sentence.
 Wordy: By the time she got home,
Merdine was very tired.
 Revised: By the time she got
home, Merdine was exhausted
 Wordy: She was also really hungry.
 Revised: She was also hungry [or
famished].

26. Eliminating Wordiness
 5. Avoid Redundancies
 Replace redundant expressions (phrases that use more words
than necessary to make a point) with precise words. Remember:
needless words are those that add nothing (or nothing
significant) to the meaning of our writing. They bore the reader
and distract from our ideas. So cut them out!
 Wordy: At this point in time, we should edit our work.
 Revised: Now we should edit our work.

27. Try these!
1. He dropped out of school on account of the fact that it was necessary
for him to help support his family.
2. It is expected that the new schedule will be announced by the bus
company within the next few days.
3. There are many ways in which a student who is interested in meeting
foreign students may come to know one.
4. It is very unusual to find someone who has never told a deliberate lie on
purpose.
5. Trouble is caused when people disobey rules that have been established
for the safety of all.

28. Possible Answers
1. He dropped out of school to support his family.
2. The bus company will probably announce its schedule during
the next few days.
3. Any student who wants to meet foreign students can do so in
many ways.
4. Rarely will you find someone who has never told a deliberate lie.
5. Disobeying safety regulations causes trouble.

29. Find a Wordy Sentence
Check your essay for wordiness. Look for a
sentence that falls into one of the categories
we just discussed. Edit it for clarity and
conciseness.

30. Writing Tips
 Write about literature in present tense
 Write about your experience in past tense
 Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and
“anything.”
 Avoid writing in second person. (Don’t use “you” unless it is in
dialogue.

31. Surface Revision Strategies
Read Aloud
 Reading the paper aloud slowly can
often bring to attention large and
small mistakes missed in the writing
and typing process. Read each
sentence and ask does it make
sense? Is it awkward? Am I
including words that are not actually
written on the paper? Sometimes
reading the paper out of order can
help isolate problems. Try reading
the paragraphs starting with the last
sentence and then reading the
previous sentence and so on; this
can reveal problems in the
sentences.
Isolate Specific Problems
 Isolating specific problems can help
give objectivity to one's personal
work. One way to isolate specific
issues is to circle them on a paper
draft and look at them one by one.
For example: circle all commas and
then go back and look at each
comma asking if it is in the
appropriate place with the correct
usage. Another example would be
to circle all verbs and then go back
one by one and identify the tense
and verify subject verb agreement.

32. Essay Submissions
All out of class essays are to be submitted to me
electronically before the class period in which they are due.
1. Before you submit your essay, please save your file as your
last name and the number 2, like this: Smith 2. This will
help me keep your essays organized.
Smith 2

33. 2. Submit your essay through Kaizena at
https://kaizena.com/palmoreessaysubmissiongmail.
Or simply use the link on our class website home
page.
This system allows me to respond to your essay with both voice and written
comments and to insert helpful links.

34. Group Codes
Students will be asked to enter a code to join the appropriate group.
Here is your code.
Tuesday Thursday

35.  When you join a
group, a
conversation will
automatically be
created.

36. After joining a group, you
will be able to add a file. That
is it! You are done
You may add from your Google Drive or
directly from a saved file on your desktop.
Using a PDF file will help maintain your
formatting, so I suggest that if it is possible.

37. Please Note!!
 There are two conversations taking place in Kaizena.
One is “Broadcast” conversation, which includes the
entire class. The second is a private conversation
between each student and me. Please make sure to
upload your essay to the private conversation. If you
see an accidental upload to the entire class, please let
me or that student know immediately!

38. Once I have graded your paper, you may view it by going to the
conversations between us on the Kaizena page.

39. Click on the highlighted sections of the paper to find both audio and
written comments concerning your essay and links to materials that
will help you improve your writing.

40. If you cannot submit your paper through
Kaizena before the due date and time:
 Email your essay as an attachment (don’t share it as a Google doc) to
palmorekim@fhda.edu.
 You must send the attachment before the due date and time, or your
essay will be considered late, so do not dawdle.
 You must still submit it as a Kaizena document; the attachment
merely gets you time to figure out the process if you are having
trouble.
 I suggest planning ahead. Do not wait until the last minute!
 You may submit a test document if you want to do an early run
through to avoid problems.

41. HOMEWORK
 Read: SMG 134-148 Writing a Concept Essay
 Write: Using the comments you received from your
readers, revise and edit Essay #2.
 Post #9: Post two versions of a section (a paragraph
or two) of your essay that demonstrates your
revision and editing strategies.
 Submit Essay #2: Due electronically via Kaizena.
Please see due date above this panel. Your paper
must be in MLA format.