bundle 32

1. EWRT 1A
CLASS 32
1. Fishing pole--broken leg--Broadway play
2. Electronic—fan—junk
3. Back-–barn--grave

2. Agenda
Revising essay #2 or 4
Revising problem essay #5
Sentence level errors
Transitioning to the solution
The thesis
Outlining the plan

3. Essay Revisions:
 Essay revisions are due before Friday, Week 9 at midnight.
 You may only submit one revision: essay #2 or #4.
 If you did not submit one of the first two essays before the initial
essay due date, you may submit that one essay as your revision.
 If you want to see me to discuss your revision, please make an
appointment.
 Before you come to talk to me, please read the comments and
suggestions that I wrote on your essay when I graded it. Have
your questions ready.
 There is no grade penalty or averaging or other method of
determining a revision grade. I will grade the essay like it is a new
submission and substitute your new, better grade for the lower
grade you initially received.
 I do not accept late revisions.

4. Which one will
you revise?
How to choose:
Which one has the
greatest potential for a
grade increase?
Which one do you want
to turn in as part of your
portfolio?

5. Essay 5: A New Purpose
Let’s Write!
Access Essay #5
Settle in; we are going
to spend some time
working on this essay
today.

6. Revising Essay #5 to use in Essay #6
1. Your topic: Is it clear? Narrow? Have you introduced it properly? Have you shown it is important?
2. Thesis: Does it state the problem, the causes, and the consequences?
3. Causes: Have you included all necessary causes? Have you missed a clear cause? Should you
include another one? Do you need to do more research?
4. Consequences: Have you included the major consequences? Are there some obvious
consequences you have missed? Do you need to do more research?
5. Examples: Do you have enough? Are they relevant?
6. Is your conclusion compelling enough? Do you need to reiterate how serious the problem is?
7. Citations: Have you introduced your citations? Have you cited them correctly? Have you included
a works cited page?

7. Let’s take a look
at Sentence level
Writing Errors in
Essay #5

8. Wordiness: using more words than
necessary to express thought.
Many people write wordy papers because they are trying to make
their ideas sound important by using long words and intricate
sentences. They think that their writing must be complicated to seem
professional. Although these writers are trying to impress their
readers, they often end up confusing them. The best writing is clear,
concise, and easy to understand.
Your ideas are much more impressive when your reader does not
have to fight to understand you.

9. Often writers use several words for ideas that can be expressed in one.
This leads to unnecessarily complex sentences and genuine
redundancy as the following examples show:
Redundant
 The printer is located adjacent to the
computer
 The printer is located in the immediate
vicinity of the computer
 The user can visibly see the image
moving
 He wore a shirt that was blue in color
 The input is suitably processed
Not Redundant
 The printer is adjacent to the computer
 The printer is near the computer
 The user can see the image moving
 He wore a blue shirt.
 The input is processed
Examples

10. Now you try it. Write this sentence in as few
words as possible without changing the
meaning!
The available
receptacle, in any
case, was of
insufficient size to
contain the total
quantity of
unnecessary waste.

11. How to reduce wordiness!
 1. Reduce Long Clauses
 When editing, try to reduce long clauses to
shorter phrases:
 Wordy: The clown who was in the center ring
was riding a tricycle.
 Revised: The clown in the center ring was riding
a tricycle.
 2. Reduce Phrases
 Likewise, try to reduce phrases to single
words:
 Wordy: The clown at the end of the line tried
to sweep up the spotlight.
 Revised: The last clown tried to sweep up the
spotlight.

12. Eliminating Wordiness: Strategies
 3. Avoid Empty Openers
 Avoid There is, There are, and There were as sentence
openers when There adds nothing to the meaning of a
sentence:
 Wordy: There is a prize in every box of Quacko cereal.
 Revised: A prize is in every box of Quacko cereal.
 Wordy: There are two security guards at the gate.
 Revised: Two security guards stand at the gate.
 4. Don’t Overwork Modifiers
 Do not overwork very, really, totally, and other
modifiers that add little or nothing to the meaning of a
sentence.
 Wordy: By the time she got home, Merdine was very
tired.
 Revised: By the time she got home, Merdine was
exhausted
 Wordy: She was also really hungry.
 Revised: She was also hungry [or famished].

13. Eliminating Wordiness
 5. Avoid Redundancies
 Replace redundant expressions (phrases that
use more words than necessary to make a
point) with precise words. Remember: needless
words are those that add nothing (or nothing
significant) to the meaning of our writing. They
bore the reader and distract from our ideas. So
cut them out!
 Wordy: At this point in time, we should edit our
work.
 Revised: Now we should edit our work.

14. Try these!
1. He dropped out of school on account of the fact that it was necessary for him to help support his
family.
2. It is expected that the new schedule will be announced by the bus company within the next few
days.
3. There are many ways in which a student who is interested in meeting foreign students may come to
know one.
4. It is very unusual to find someone who has never told a deliberate lie on purpose.
5. Trouble is caused when people disobey rules that have been established for the safety of all.

15. Possible Answers
1. He dropped out of school to support his family.
2. The bus company will probably announce its schedule during
the next few days.
3. Any student who wants to meet foreign students can do so in
many ways.
4. Rarely will you find someone who has never told a deliberate
lie.
5. Disobeying safety regulations causes trouble.

16. Find a Wordy Sentence
 Check your writing for wordiness. Look for a
sentence that falls into one of the categories
we just discussed. Edit it for clarity and
conciseness.

17.  HW Discussion #35: Post your revised intro (the revised
problem essay)
 Revised essay (2 or 4) due Friday Week 9 (optional)
Homework