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4 TRUTHS About Resolving Conflict in Your Business
- 1. 4 Truths About Resolving Conflict in Your Business “Harnessing Conflict to Improve Your Business” Trish Blake-Jones April 6th, 2016 Photo:www.integra-leadership.com
- 2. 4 Truths… ① You cannot ignore conflict ② Conflict arises from unmet expectations ③ Conflict has level of “cares” or values ④ Other person not necessarily evil
- 4. Emotions in Conflict (cont’d) Say things we don’t mean Mean things we don’t say Emotions: confuse, hypnotize, energize, freeze us in fear We’re stuck
- 5. Emotions in Conflict (cont’d) A N G E R Worry Sadness Uncertainty Shame Disappointment Jealousy Vulnerability
- 6. Conflict goes with us Business Personal/Family www.familybusinessmatters.consulting
- 7. Approaches to Conflict Importance of GOAL Importance of RELATIONSHIP Chart: Thomas & Kilman
- 8. I’d rather ignore the whole thing but…
- 9. Truth #1 You cannot ignore conflict Photo: www.underwatersculpture.com
- 10. Common conflict coping mechanisms… Side-step issue, don’t talk about it Avoid other party Triangulate: get others on your side Retaliate, Undermine, Give up
- 11. When conflict festers… Employees take control of broken processes, Voids get filled – you lose power to control the outcome Conflict spirals
- 12. When conflict festers… Morale sinks Productivity sabotaged Clients/Customers leave Revenue
- 13. Truth #2 Conflict arises from unmet expectations
- 14. So…? We can be curious We can consider our intention Distributive vs. Integrative bargaining “Pie” could be bigger than we thought
- 15. Truth #3 Conflict has levels of “cares” or values
- 16. Values/Cares in Conflict Negotiable Needs Wants Non- Negotiable Expected patterns of behavior Societal norms: right/wrong
- 17. Truth #4 Intentions of other party are not (usually) evil www.glogster.com
- 18. YOUR Intention Be the leader in your conflict Move into your conflict, in order to move through Follow your intuition
- 19. Difficult People & Conflict Personality Disorders 15% of population: 1 in 7 people Borderline Personality Disorder Narcissistic Personality Disorder Don’t recognize they are high- conflict
- 20. High-Conflict People (HCP) All-or-nothing thinking Preoccupation with blaming others Unmanaged emotions Draw in many other people Drain energy, time and resources Prolonged, unresolved conflict
- 21. High-Conflict People (HCP) How to respond? Don’t take it personally – it’s not you Use resources: HR, manager, 3rd party Book: “It’s All Your Fault at Work” Bill Eddy, LCSW, ESQ.
- 22. High Conflict People There are some people you’ve just got to love from a distance. Sonya Teclai The Goodvibe.co
- 23. Group development & conflict Forming Storming Norming Performin g Bruce W. Tuckman model
- 24. Reducing Conflict in business: Crystal clear work processes Team roles defined, refined (frequently) Clear lines of reporting Policies communicated and followed
- 25. Reducing Conflict in business: Consistent recognition & reward programs Model resolution culture – transparency, integrity, openness Get support if conflict averse
- 26. Modeling resolution… Pick the “right” time and approach Have intention to resolve Be the leader in your conflict
- 27. How to engage? One-to-one Letter/note Not texting Third-party support
- 28. …Consider APOLOGIZING Assumes responsibility for 50% + Surprise tactic Can be deeply effective Shifts dialogue immediately
- 29. Conflict as Learning “Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” Max Lucado http://blog.kevineikenberry.com
- 30. Got Conflict? BLAKE-JONES MEDIATION LLC 1534 Monroe Avenue ROCHESTER NY tbj@trishmediates.co m @TrishMediates 585-943-1770
Editor's Notes
- My Goal – for you to glean one or two concepts to help you think differently about a conflict you want to resolve. People can and will solve their own conflict. But 20-80% of a typical work day can be consumed with the fallout of a dispute or conflict. Conflict uses up vast resources and personal energy.
- CONFLICT IS DIS-EMPOWERING
- When we are “in’ a conflict, our emotions run high. This is normal. “This is business – don’t take it so personally. Of course you take it personally! Conflict is relational. Conflict is disempowering. Anger makes us feel righteous, maybe. Provides a false sense of strength. We pay a price for conflict. Anger: 2nd level emotion…cloaks feelings of worry, sadness, jealousy, uncertainty, fear, shame. Emotion is a very valuable source of info in a conflict you want to resolve. Why? Helps you clarify exactly what is going on internally.
- None of these responses is wrong Skillful person uses RIGHT response, at RIGHT time, with RIGHT person
- What are the tangible… not generalities… consequences of ignoring conflict… Fear is not a strategy…
- Why can’t you ignore conflict in your workplace? What kind of conflict might you be able to ignore?
- “The ability to ask for what we want — directly, confidently, and without aggression or manipulation — is an important factor in preventing and resolving conflict at work and home.”
- I worked with a family-run business. This business was owned by a parent, and two siblings worked in it full time. When they came to me to help with, they would admit, overwhelming conflict between all the family members. In turns out, work processes and job definitions were not clear. So instead of one person being responsible for a defined task, no one would do it, or worse two would do it and fight about the decisions, costs, etc.
- Workplace teams, interdepartmental groups, partnerships… They are all closed systems. One part not functioning well, it affects all the parts. The system becomes POISONED. Third generation family businesses…cannot outrun the conflict This is why you cannot ignore conflict in your business.
- A typical definition of conflict is that it emerges when YOU PERCEIVE THAT YOUR NEEDS AND INTERESTS ARE INCOMPATIBLE WITH MY NEEDS AND INTERESTS. We are in different camps/ we are opposed / you’re my enemy. Conflict arises from unmet expectations How benign is that? So simple. Difference between first definition and mine is all of a sudden we can become curious about the other party – what were your expectations? Curiosity cracks the door open. Our view of the conflict – if we’re willing – can shift. My intention is to find out more, not be positional.
- STORY ABOUT GILL
- Why is this important and what is my responsibility as the business person…
- Definition of a Personality Disorder- “Enduring pattern of problems with interpersonal functioning in broad range of personal/social situations, leads to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational and other areas of functioning.” American Psychiatric Association We have people like this in our lives and have/ or have had them in our work environments. We may like them very much. In non-stressful situations people with these personality disorders are charming, funny, smart, engaging. Bill Eddy is a clinical social worker, attorney, and mediator. Founder of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, he has coined the term HCP (High Conflict People). People with personality disorders tend to stir up conflict when they are stressed. On this next slide are characteristics of HCPs
- I have realized that my best friend does have these traits DO NOT
- De-personalize the conflict to the extent you can. The other party is likely to behave similarly with others; this is their modus operandi. Don’t dwell on the “Is it me?” question.
- PROCESSES STRONG = CONFLICT WEAK
- “DON’T YOU TYPE AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE” - Pinterest
- Sometimes all that is needed to get unstuck in a conflict is to sincerely and deeply apologize to the other party. Their second level care may be that you never admit you’re wrong. Think about it…