The Conflict Paradox
•
1 like•429 views
Presented at Agile India 2014 http://confengine.com/agile-india-2014/schedule#session-102-info
Recommended
More Related Content
What's hot
What's hot (20)
Viewers also liked
Similar to The Conflict Paradox
Similar to The Conflict Paradox (20)
Recently uploaded
Recently uploaded (20)
The Conflict Paradox
- 1. The Conflict Paradox By Ram Srinivasan Agile Coach and Trainer © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 2. Who Am I? • Agile Coach focusing on Enterprise and Leadership Coaching • Professional Coach – Organizational and Relationship Systems Coaching • My Interests – System Thinking, Complex Adaptive Systems, Change Management, Gamification, Conflict Management, Neuroscience Based Coaching • Certifications PMP, CSM, CSPO, PMI-ACP, CSP, PSM-I, PSPO-I, SAFe Program Consultant, Innovation Games® Qualified Instructor and facilitator, Level-1 Gamification Designer © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 3. About This Session © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 4. How Do You Think About Conflict? Think about a recent conflict that you experienced What are some of the words that come to your mind? Share it with others, and as a group, write them down. © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 5. How Do You Think About Conflict? Think about a recent conflict that you experienced What are some of the words that come to your mind? Share it with others, and as a group, write them down. As a group, classify them as either negative or positive words. Count the number of positive and negative words © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 6. What Is A Conflict? © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com - Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader by Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan “ Any situation in which interdependent people have apparently incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings”
- 7. Types of Conflict Task or Cognitive Conflict • Focus primarily on ideas and problem solving, not people • Emotional tone remain neutral or even positive • Strengthens working relationships, increases creativity and productivity • Described by positive words Affective or Relationship Conflict • Focuses on blaming or proving others wrong, not problem solving • Heats up quickly, negative emotional tone • Leads to productivity problems, stress, poor morale, bad decisions • Described by negative words © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 8. Levels of Conflict • Polarization (Level 5) – Characterized by severe negative emotions and behaviors with little or no hope for reconciliation • Discord (Level 4) – Causes difficulties in the relationship of the people involved even when they are not dealing with the original conflict • Disagreement(Level 3) – People see situation differently, regardless of how well they think they understand other’s position and interest, feel some discomfort • Misunderstanding (Level 2) – What is understood by those involved are different • Differences (Level 1) – people see situation differently, understand each other’s position well, feel little or no discomfort © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 9. The Conflict Process © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com Precipitating Event Or Hot Button Initiate Conflict (emotions triggered) Constructive Behavior Destructive Behavior Task Focused Conflict • Focus on task and problem solving • Positive emotions • Tension decreases • Group functioning improves Person - Focused Conflict • Focus on personalities • Negative emotions, flight/fight/freeze response • Tension increases • Group functioning decreases Conflict De-escalates Conflict Escalates
- 10. The Retaliatory Cycle © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com Emotions arise not from thinking about the issue, but from a completely different process – one that emerges more quickly than rational thinking - Beyond Revenge: The evolution of Forgiveness Instinct by Michael McCullough Precipitating Event Or Hot Button Initiate Conflict (emotions triggered) Destructive Behavior Person - Focused Conflict • Focus on personalities • Negative emotions, flight/fight/freeze response • Tension increases • Group functioning decreases Conflict Escalates
- 11. Cognitive Skills: Self-Awareness About Dealing With Conflict • How you currently view conflict? • What triggers you in the first place? • How you feel when you are triggered? • How you behave when you are triggered? • Your biases and assumptions? © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 12. Exercise: What is Your Trigger? © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 13. © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com 1. Abrasive Question Score 4 8 12 20 Total 2. Aloof Question Score 2 6 14 18 Total 3. Self-Centered Question Score 1 7 10 16 Total 4. Unappreciated Question Score 5 11 15 19 Total 5. Untrustworthy Question Score 3 9 13 17 Total Exercise: What is Your Trigger?
- 14. Triggers - Group Discussion • Why is this a hot-button for me? Why does this trigger me? • The next time my hot-button is pushed, how do I want to feel? How do I want to respond? • Why might be the other person be acting this way? • In what alternate ways do I want the other person to act? © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 15. • Irritations and annoyances that provoke you into a conflict • Once triggered, the person experiences negative emotions © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com Cognitive Skills: Self-Awareness About Triggers or Hot Buttons
- 16. The Origin of Emotions • Auto-appraisers: Our brain continuously scans for threats and rewards automatically and rapidly • Negative emotions are our “evolved” flight or fight response from our limbic system © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 17. Breaking the Retaliatory Cycle Cool Down Slow Down and Reflect Engage Constructively © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 18. Cooling Your Hot Buttons • What is it about these behaviors that makes you angry? • What aspects of the other person’s behavior irritated you and why? © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com “ Once triggered, the chemical released by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run.” My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey by Jill Bolte Taylo The key to cooling hot buttons is to look inside yourself
- 19. Cooling Down During Conflict • Awareness about getting into a conflict • Take Deep Breaths • Oxygen to your brain • Body centering techniques • Take a short break • Mindfulness • Pay attention to your body sensations, listen to your triggers • Look at your thoughts & feelings in a non-judgmental way • Cognitive Reappraisal – examine facts to look for alternate non-threatening explanations © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 20. Slow Down and Reflect Reflecting Your Own Experience • Your Thoughts • Data vs. Interpreting Data • Our own biases and assumptions • Reflect on your emotions • What kind of feelings? • How are you experiencing it? • Your Interests Reflecting on Others’ Experience • Others’ Thoughts • How will he/she be thinking about it? • Assumptions and biases • Reflect on others’ emotions • Empathy & mirror neurons • Others’ Interest © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 21. Effect of Suppressing Negative Emotions • Does not make the negative emotion go away and causes chronic stress • Usually cannot suppress negative emotions, sometimes they are more aroused trying to do so • Emotional leakage at unexpected times • Venting is not the answer • Memory of the event gets impaired, as though focusing on something else • Suppression takes lot of brain power, leaves fewer resources to pay attention to the moment • Mirror Neurons - Other people experience the same emotions as you © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 22. Expressing Negative Emotions - Tips • Identify and discloses feelings in a manner that describes the emotions, rather than overtly behaving emotionally • “I feel frustrated because ….” instead of showing frustration at the other person • Affect labeling or symbolic labeling or naming • Finding the right words to identify your emotional state • Key is to use few words to describe it • Symbolic language, metaphors, similes, weather, news paper headlines, a song/ movie title • Uncomfortable to talk? Write it, then tear it off © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 23. Avoid Destructive Behavior, Embrace Constructive Behavior Cool Down Slow Down and Reflect Engage Constructively © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 24. Exercise: Group Behaviors Into One of These 4 Categories © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com Active Constructive Active Destructive Passive Constructive Passive Destructive
- 25. © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com Avoiding Perspective Taking Repaid Bids Winning at all Costs AdaptingYielding Reaching Out Demeaning others Delay Response Creating Solutions Hiding Emotions Reflective Thinking Display Anger Deep Listening Retaliating Self- Criticism Expressing Emotions Exercise: Group Behaviors Into One of These 4 Categories
- 26. Destructive vs. Constructive Behaviors During Conflict © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com Active Constructive Perspective Taking Creating Solutions Expressing Emotions Reaching Out • Deep Listening • Perspective Taking • Creating Solutions • Expressing Emotions • Reaching Out Active Constructive Active Destructive • Winning at All Cost • Displaying Anger • Demeaning Others • Retaliating Passive Constructive • Reflective Thinking • Delay Responding • Adapting/Flexibility • Repair Bids Passive Destructive • Avoiding (includes “agreeing to disagree”) • Yielding • Hiding Emotions • Self-Criticizing
- 27. Group Exercise As a group, discuss different strategies that you can use at work to avoid destructive behaviors and to embrace constructive behaviors © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 28. Attitude Trust Safety Behavioral Integration / Collaboration Emotional Intelligence Techniques for Staying on Track Expressing Emotions Prespective Taking Listening for Understanding(Deep Listening) Reflective Thinking and Delay Responding Team Conflict Competencies © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com Right Climate Constructive Communication
- 29. Getting on Track – Team Agreements 1. Review Team’s Mission and Context 2. Discuss the Desired Climate 3. Brainstorm Ideas for Creating the Desired Climate 4. Combine Similar Ideas 5. Prioritize Ideas (5 to 10) 6. “Behaviorize” Remaining Ideas 7. Record and Distribute the Resulting List for Review 8. Review and Finalize Agreements 9. Revisit Periodically © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 30. Staying on Track During Conflicts • Time-outs • Reframing Questions • Clarify or understand what the team member has said • Should be genuine and non-threatening • Intentional Intent • Describe the intent before making a statement • Example - “This may not come out right, but what I am trying to communicate is my curiosity about your idea…” • Use a Neutral Facilitator • Internal or External Facilitator © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 31. After the Conflict • Do not simply ignore or avoid • Revisit Team Agreements periodically • Feedback – clear and specific • Situation – The context in which the behavior or action took place • Behavior – What was said or done • Impact – The perceived result the behavior had on the observer or others in the situation © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 32. Conflict in Virtual / Global Teams • Diverse backgrounds, cultures, languages, beliefs, and practices complicate the nature of differences • Electronic communication does not build trust and familiarity • Lacks tone, body language, and facial expressions • Time-zone differences lead to lag in communication which only exacerbate problems © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 33. Ideas for Virtual / Global Teams • In-person face – to –face meetings build trust and familiarity. Intentionally build relationships • Withhold making judgments, focus on gaining understanding • Many cultures focus on relationships, then on tasks, (and vice versa) listen carefully for this distinction • Be open to changing your personal paradigm, yours may be only one way • Establish norms for addressing issues that may lead to cultural and background differences © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com
- 35. What is your ONE take- away from this talk? Share it with your group © Ram Srinivasan http://ramvasan.com What did you like about this session? What can I do to make it better? Feedback