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The Discomfort Zone: How leaders turn difficult conversations into breakthroughs

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SLides from a 2 day course on how to create positive results from difficult conversations. Participants learn advanced coaching skills as well as techniques to engage reluctant employees and clients.

Published in: Leadership & Management
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The Discomfort Zone: How leaders turn difficult conversations into breakthroughs

  1. 1. THE DISCOMFORT ZONE How to Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthrough Moments
  2. 2. What people want and expect from their leaders is evolving with the changing world.
  3. 3. What are the key leadership skills now? Source: Human Capital Institute Adaptability Problem-Solving Skills Communication Skills Empathy Coaching Skills What employees want What managers think
  4. 4. WHY COACHING WORKS Most peopleMost peopleMost peopleMost people –––– especiallyespeciallyespeciallyespecially thethethethe millennialsmillennialsmillennialsmillennials ---- want to think forwant to think forwant to think forwant to think for themselves, they want to bethemselves, they want to bethemselves, they want to bethemselves, they want to be developed (mentally as welldeveloped (mentally as welldeveloped (mentally as welldeveloped (mentally as well as skills), and they want toas skills), and they want toas skills), and they want toas skills), and they want to feel they are significant.feel they are significant.feel they are significant.feel they are significant.
  5. 5. What are the most important leadership skills? I’m not looking to be led… I’m looking for a leader who will listen to me, honor me, and partner with me to meet my goals and grow.
  6. 6. Who does most of the talking? What are the results?
  7. 7. Recall someone who prompted you to change your behavior forever.
  8. 8. What did they say or do? What emotions prompted you to change?
  9. 9. The best leaders and coaches make us feel unsure of ourselves.
  10. 10. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com If most people want to grow and develop, what options do you have? Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
  11. 11. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com Coaching develops people’s minds,Coaching develops people’s minds,Coaching develops people’s minds,Coaching develops people’s minds, not just their skills.not just their skills.not just their skills.not just their skills.
  12. 12. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com When do you have a Discomfort Zone Conversation? 17 Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training When a competent person is stuck…=
  13. 13. …and they need a transformational, not transactional, conversation with you. Courageous Coaching
  14. 14. Coaching is the most effective technology for transforming self and changing behavior.
  15. 15. How Humans Learn New Behaviors
  16. 16. How Humans Learn Cortical/ThinkingCortical/ThinkingCortical/ThinkingCortical/Thinking BrainBrainBrainBrain Fact-based learning Short-term memory
  17. 17. How Humans Learn Without considerable repetition, words must prompt strong emotions to be remembered. The emotions say to your brain, “Look at me! Remember this!!” But information often doesn’t change behavior.
  18. 18. Reptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive BrainReptilian/Primitive Brain Fear-based Learning Motor Skills What we learn from fear is nearly impossible to change. How Humans Learn
  19. 19. How Humans Learn Mammalian/Mammalian/Mammalian/Mammalian/ Social BrainSocial BrainSocial BrainSocial Brain Long-Term Memory Emotions Ego
  20. 20. ©Covisioning www.outsmartyourbrain.com How Humans Learn
  21. 21. How Humans Learn "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." - Anais Nin
  22. 22. Behavioral learning happens when what we are told either supports what we believe OR Learning happens when the protective barrier breaks down and we see ourselves and the world around us differently.. What Triggers Behavioral Learning?
  23. 23. A surprising fact, a disruptive reflection, or a powerful question. What Triggers Behavioral Learning?
  24. 24. Transformation: When the light of awareness breaks through…
  25. 25. Transformation: …you see a new truth or gain a new insight about your self and the world around you.
  26. 26. Transformation: Learning happens in the moment of uncertainty, and even some discomfort.
  27. 27. Transformation in Coaching: The new truth, new meaning comes from a break in knowing so learning can occur.
  28. 28. When how someone defines themselves and the world changes, so does their behavior.
  29. 29. Reflective Inquiry = • Behavior changes • People learn to think more broadly for themselves • There is greater possibility for creative thinking Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training Why Coaching Works
  30. 30. How do you listen for what to say? Part II -
  31. 31. 3 Levels of Listening One • What I am thinking Two • What they are saying Three • What they haven’t said Me and you
  32. 32. 3 Levels of Listening One • What I am thinking Two • What they are saying Three • What they haven’t said I and It
  33. 33. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com Julien Treasure’s formula for listening: RRRR Receive AAAA Appreciate SSSS Summarise (and reflect) AAAA Ask (to clarify) Level 2 Listening Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
  34. 34. Level 3 Listening One • What I am thinking Two • What they are saying Three • What they haven’t said Assumptions/Beliefs, Values, Desires, Needs, Doubts, Fears, Attachments I and Thou
  35. 35. Level 3 Listening Listen for assumptions/beliefs, desires, needs, conflicting values, fears, attachments. DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE WRONG
  36. 36. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com The new key leadership competenciesThe new key leadership competenciesThe new key leadership competenciesThe new key leadership competencies require emotional intelligence as well asrequire emotional intelligence as well asrequire emotional intelligence as well asrequire emotional intelligence as well as coaching.coaching.coaching.coaching.
  37. 37. If you can discover what is triggering the emotion, you will open the door to new possibilities. Being Self-Aware
  38. 38. Emotional Triggers Acceptance Respect Credibility Achievement Feel Valued Be Understood Appreciation Attention Feel Needed Be Right Accuracy Control Comfort Feel Safe Peace and Quiet Freedom New Challenges Independence Order Predictability Balance Cleanliness Fairness Be Liked
  39. 39. Acceptance Respect Credibility Achievement Feel Valued Be Understood Appreciation Attention Feel Needed Be Right Accuracy Control Comfort Feel Safe Peace and Quiet Freedom New Challenges Independence Order Predictability Balance Cleanliness Fairness Be Liked Emotional Triggers
  40. 40. Exercise Share your top three triggers and what happens when they are sparked.
  41. 41. Being Self-Aware Step One: Be Alert To Your Reactions Step Two: Discover Why Step Three: See the Options a. Ask for what you need b. Acknowledge what is out of your control. c. Discover what you can do to get your need met.
  42. 42. Exercise: What is the Trigger Please work together in groups of 4-5. 1. One person describes their challenging situation 2. Each person at the table suggests what is triggering the person’s reaction. 3. The person picks one trigger and chooses a new response for future situations 4. Rotate so everyone has a chance to share their situation. Do not try to fix the situation. DO NOT give any solutions or suggestions.
  43. 43. This ends of the first day of our journey. Tonight, notice how you listen. Notice what triggers you to stop listening. See if you can shift to listening more deeply.
  44. 44. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Your Plan What stoodWhat stoodWhat stoodWhat stood out for you today?out for you today?out for you today?out for you today? WhatWhatWhatWhat can you do to integrate these skillscan you do to integrate these skillscan you do to integrate these skillscan you do to integrate these skills intointointointo youryouryouryour conversationsconversationsconversationsconversations inininin the future?the future?the future?the future? Coaching Group
  45. 45. LEADING & COACHING THROUGH THE DISCOMFORT ZONE Day 2 Please sit with new people
  46. 46. What are you noticing about your listening? Day 2: Check-In
  47. 47. Safety Bubble Conversation Intention Emotional Tone Highest Regard
  48. 48. The Discomfort Zone Their discomfort ranges from slight to profound; you just need to hold the space for discovery to take place.
  49. 49. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Shifting Your Emotions RelaxRelaxRelaxRelax Your Body DetachDetachDetachDetach From Your Thoughts CenterCenterCenterCenter Yourself FocusFocusFocusFocus on How You Want to Feel or Who You Want to Be
  50. 50. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com Relax
  51. 51. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Shifting Your Emotions Breathe and Release the Tension
  52. 52. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Shifting Your Emotions Detach
  53. 53. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com Center
  54. 54. FOCUS
  55. 55. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
  56. 56. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
  57. 57. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Shifting Your Emotions RelaxRelaxRelaxRelax Your Body DetachDetachDetachDetach From Your Thoughts CenterCenterCenterCenter Yourself FocusFocusFocusFocus on How You Want to Feel or Who You Want to Be
  58. 58. Part III. Listening Below the Surface
  59. 59. WHAT IS INTUITION?
  60. 60. Processing Centers in the Nervous System Heart Gut Head
  61. 61. Curiosity (brain) Beliefs & assumptions, about “what is true” Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation
  62. 62. Care (heart) Desires, Values… Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation Doubt based on disappointments, betrayal What do they want or need that they don’t expect to get now?
  63. 63. Courage (gut) Fears, Attachments (can’t let go) What are they afraid they won’t get, angry they didn’t get, or what they can’t let go of because it was important to their ego? Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation
  64. 64. Care (heart) Courage (gut) Curiosity (brain) Listen to Your Three Centers When Making Decisions
  65. 65. Care (heart) Courage (gut) Curiosity (brain) Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation Was one area harder to listen from than the others? DONDONDONDON’’’’T BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONGT BE AFRAID TO BE WRONG
  66. 66. Care Courage Curiosity Listening to Your Three Centers in Conversation Coherence (presence) Intention (for them) Empathy (receiving)
  67. 67. To change people’s minds…
  68. 68. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com Coaching – Observing the stories and patterns that create what the person holds as “reality” and then determining what they really need and want. Meaning-making machine How Humans Learn About Themselves Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
  69. 69. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC marcia@outsmartyourbrain.com THEN, reflect and ask about the assumptions, beliefs, values, desires, fears, and unspoken needs that create the barrier to getting what they need and want. How Humans Learn About Themselves Force-Field that protects meaning Transformational Leadership Coaching and Training
  70. 70. Demonstration
  71. 71. Practice Receive, not just listen Coach the person, not the external problem or other people Have them articulate the new awareness and what appears to be true.
  72. 72. When you start the conversation… AID feedback model A Action (their behavior) I Impact (on work or others) D Desired outcome (what you want for them that they want too)
  73. 73. Full-Body Presence Conversation Intention Emotional Tone Respect Handling Resistance
  74. 74. EmotionalTriggers Most often in conversations at work, people react when they feel they are losing: Credibility, reputation or respect A sense of control or predictability (success) Fairness Being right (or being made wrong and looking stupid) Independence (autonomy) and Freedom Being liked
  75. 75. Get them to stop and think about their thinking. To change people’s minds… Reflect and ask questions so they question themselves. Help them articulate what else could be true and possible.
  76. 76. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Beginner’s Mind In the Beginner’s Mind there are many possibilities, in the expert, there are few. -Suzuki Roshi, Zen Mind, Beginners Mind
  77. 77. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
  78. 78. © Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC Marcia@TNMCoaching.com
  79. 79. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Beginner’s Mind Give up knowing. Be curious. Open your heart and gut.
  80. 80. Part IV. Your Courageous Coaching Development Plan
  81. 81. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Your Plan What do you want to focus on as aWhat do you want to focus on as aWhat do you want to focus on as aWhat do you want to focus on as a part of your leadershippart of your leadershippart of your leadershippart of your leadership development?development?development?development?
  82. 82. Conversation Intention Emotional Intention Highest Regard Your Plan What can you do to integrate theseWhat can you do to integrate theseWhat can you do to integrate theseWhat can you do to integrate these skills into the leadershipskills into the leadershipskills into the leadershipskills into the leadership conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization?conversations in your organization? Coaching Group
  83. 83. Your Plan They want you to be present more than they need you to be perfect!
  84. 84. www.OutsmartYourBrain.com The best leaders make us feel uncomfortable and unsure... and then we grow.

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