1. Helping Abrasive
Leaders

2. 2
What’s an “abrasive
leader”?
Any individual charged with managerial
authority whose interpersonal behavior causes
emotional distress in coworkers sufficient to
disrupt organizational functioning

3. 3
What they do
Overreact
Overcontrol
Threats
Public humiliation
Condescension

4. 4
It’s costly to tolerate...
Attrition of valued employees
Decreased morale & motivation which lead to
lower productivity
Higher incidence of stress-related illness and
substance abuse
Increase legal action based on hostile
environment or discriminatory
Retaliatory responses such as sabotage and
homicide

5. 5

6. 6

7. 7

8. 8
Common assumptions
about abrasive leaders
Fully aware of nature and impact of abrasive
behaviors
Intent: malevolent (to harm)
Means: dominate (exert control) through
aggression/intimidation
Behavior is intractable

9. 9
What the research says
Little or no awareness of nature and impact of
their abrasive behaviors - they’re clueless
Intent: to “do what it takes to get the job done”
(they are defending against the threat of being
perceived to be incompetent) - they’re afraid
Means: dominate (exert control) through
aggression/intimidation
Behavior is coachable

10. 10
What adequate leaders
do
See a problem
Explore cause of problem
Employee is unable
Employee is unwilling
Address problem
Provide resources, training
Set limits & consequences

11. 11
What abrasive leaders
do
See a problem
Diagnose incompetence
Employee is “stupid”, “lazy”
Attack incompetence
Dominate through intimidating
“threat displays” (bullying)

12. 12
Laws of the wild...and
the workplace
Bears & abrasive leaders just want to go about
their business
Their business is survival
Dominance pays (more power = more access to
resources)
They defend against threats to their survival,
whether in the wild or the workplace with
aggression
You’ll pay if you get in their
way

13. 13
In the Wild: It’s survival

14. 14
In the Wild: It’s survival
Threat Anxiety

15. 15
In the Wild: It’s survival

16. 16
At work: It’s survival
?
?
(fight)
(fight)
?
?
(flight)
(flight)

17. 17
At work: A third option
Workin
g
Throug
h

18. 18
Abrasive Leaders
Perceive a Feel
to their their
competenc competence
e through
aggression

19. 19
Don’t they see what
they’re doing?
In most cases, no! They have a pronounced
lack of empathy (lack “social sonar”).
Abrasive leaders have difficulty reading
emotions.
They discount emotions (emotions of others
and their own).

20. 20
Typical responses from
management
Their defenses kick in
Rationalization
Minimizing
Procrastination
They lose hope
“We’ve already tried”
“People can’t change”
Believe the only option is to
terminate

21. 21
Typical responses from
management
Afraid of doing harm
Afraid of being harmed
Managers HR

22. 22
What should
subordinates do?
Fight back?
Typically, they are afraid of further aggressive
behaviors, retaliation, or losing their jobs
It’s a responsibility of the workplace to provide a
psychologically and physically safe work
environment

23. 23
What management
needs to do...
INTERVENTION!
Make them see the impact of their behaviors
Make them care enough to want to change
Offer help so they can learn how to change

24. 24
Intervention Step 1:
Make them see
Detect & document chronic patterns of
negative perceptions
Present chronic pattern of negative
perceptions to abrasive leader as evidence of
unacceptable conduct
Don’t get pulled into defensive “fact battles”
about who said what or what “really happened”

25. 25
Intervention Step 2:
Make them care
Set limits: “The way you interact with others
needs to change.”
Set consequences: “Failure to do so will result
in...”
Measure technical competence AND
interpersonal competence

26. 26
Intervention Step 3:
Offer help
Internal mentoring
External specialized coaching

27. 27
Boss Whispering Step 1

28. 28
Boss Whispering Step 2
Coach conducts coworker assessment &
provides feedback
Coworkers are individually interviewed by the Coach. Data is purged
of identifying information and themes are identified.
Confidential feedback is reviewed. Client learns exactly what is
causing the interpersonal distress.
Coach and Client determine which theme to address first.

29. 29
Boss Whispering Step 3
Client learns to read and accurately interpret
coworker behavior - to develop empathic
accuracy using the TAD dynamic (“the insight
cycle”)

30. 30
Boss Whispering Step 3
Client begins to understand his/her role in generation of negative
perceptions
Client develops strategies for achieving objectives without resorting to
aggression
As insight increases, Client’s anxiety of being perceived to be incompetent
decreases

31. 31
Everyone wins!
Employee suffering ends
Employees are encouraged by fact that the
leader cared enough to work to change
Employees hold higher regard for the employer
for intervening
Formerly abrasive leader is grateful for the
employer’s willingness to invest in him/her and
offer a “second chance”
Employer reduces potential for litigation,
attrition, anti-management sentiment
Employer retains leader’s technical expertise

32. 32
What if behavior doesn’t
change?
Employee suffering ends
Employees hold higher regard for the employer
for intervening
Employer reduces potential for litigation because
they can prove they intervened
Employer has peace of mind because they did
everything they could to remedy the situation

33. 33
HR’s role

34. 34
How real is the threat of
litigation?
Getting more real all the time
Laws against workplace retaliation in place
already in Australia, Canada, and England
The Healthy Workplace Bill is gaining traction
Minnesota is the 21st state to introduce the
HWB
2012 Dish Network case in MN - whistleblower
defense (Absey awarded $270,000)

35. 35
Preventing workplace
bullying
Establish a code of (respectful) conduct
to provide physical & psychological safety in
the workplace
Live the code
Enforce the code by measuring technical &
interpersonal competence

36. Thank you!
For further information, contact:
Kalli Matsuhashi, MA, LP
Executive Confidante
ExecConf.com / Kalli@ExecConf.com
651-356-5080
Also, for information on the Boss Whispering
Institute and the creator of the Boss Whispering
method, Dr. Laura Crawshaw, visit:
www.bosswhispering.com
www.whisperingfortheworkingwounded.org