2. LEARNING OUTCOMES
• IDENTIFY YOUR TOP THREE PERSONAL VALUES
• PRACTICE A PROGRESSIVE ROOMMATE MEDIATION CASE STUDY
• RECALL HOW TO UTILIZE A ROOMMATE AGREEMENT EFFECTIVELY BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER MEDIATION
4. MODEL THE WAY
•“YOU CAN’T DO WHAT YOU SAY IF
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU
BELIEVE. YOU CAN’T DO WHAT
YOU SAY IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE
WHAT YOU’RE SAYING”
5.
6.
7. DEBRIEF
• HOW DO YOUR VALUES ALIGN WITH THE GOALS
YOU HAVE SET FOR YOURSELF IN THE POSITION?
• HOW WILL YOU USE YOUR VALUES IN THE RM
POSITION?
• HOW DO YOUR VALUES ALIGN WITH THE
VALUES/MISSION/GOAL OF UNIVERSITY
HOUSING?
• HOW WILL YOU/HAVE YOU SHARED YOUR
VALUES WITH YOUR RESIDENTS?
8. COMMITMENT #2: ALIGN
ACTIONS WITH VALUES
• CREDIBILITY IS THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR
RELATIONSHIP WITH RESIDENTS
• EARNED OVER TIME AND ONLY WHEN YOU
REPEATEDLY ACT IN WAYS THAT ALIGN WITH THE
VALUES YOU/DEPARTMENT HOLD
9. BEHAVIOR STATEMENTS
• “DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO”
• “I SET A PERSONAL EXAMPLE OF WHAT I EXPECT FROM OTHER PEOPLE.”
• “I SEEK TO UNDERSTAND HOW MY ACTIONS IMPACT OTHER PEOPLE’S PERFORMANCE”
• “I SPEND TIME MAKING SURE THAT PEOPLE BEHAVE CONSISTENTLY WITH THE PRINCIPLES AND
STANDARDS WE HAVE AGREED UPON”
• HOW DOES THIS CONNECT WITH ROOMMATE AGREEMENTS?
• “I MAKE SURE THAT PEOPLE SUPPORT THE VALUES WE HAVE AGREED UPON”
• HOW DOES THIS CONNECT WITH ROOMMATE AGREEMENTS?
10. PHILOSOPHY OF ROOMMATE
AGREEMENTS
• ROOMMATE AGREEMENTS ARE A TOOL USED TO FACILITATE
DIALOGUE & UNDERSTANDING
• THE ROOM IS NOT JUST A LIVING SPACE, BUT A SPACE FOR
LEARNING
• ROOMMATE AGREEMENTS SHOULD DETAIL SPECIFICS
• “I WAKE UP EARLY” VS. “I WAKE UP AT 8:00AM DURING THE
WEEKDAYS AND 10:00AM ON THE WEEKENDS”
• ROOMMATE AGREEMENTS ARE OFTEN USED IN ROOMMATE
MEDIATIONS
11. CONFLICT & MEDIATION
• CONFLICT IS NATURAL PART OF RELATIONSHIPS
• CONFLICT OFTEN ARISES FROM DIFFERENCES IN GOALS, VALUES, TASKS, RULES, OR COMMUNICATION
• COMMUNICATION CHALLENGES OFTEN ANCHOR ROOMMATE CONFLICTS
• AN RM SERVES AS A FACILITATOR OR MEDIATOR DURING CONFLICT
• THE RM DOES NOT TAKE SIDES OR SOLVE THE PROBLEM
• YOU HELP STUDENTS TALK THROUGH THE ISSUES AND GENERATE SOLUTIONS!
• SETTING GROUND RULES FOR MEDIATION
• WHAT ARE SOME RULES THAT YOU WOULD CONSIDER APPROPRIATE?
12. HELPFUL HINTS
• ASSIGN PRE-WORK BEFORE THE MEETING (REVIEW AGREEMENT, IDENTIFY ISSUES AND IMPACT, GENERATE 1-2
SOLUTIONS)
• ENCOURAGE BOTH SIDES TO USE “I” STATEMENTS AND EXPLAIN IMPACT ISSUES ARE HAVING ON THEM
• KEEP A CALM, EVEN TONE OF VOICE
• WATCH YOUR NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION (EYE CONTACT, FACIAL EXPRESSION, POSTURE, GESTURES).
• INTERVENE IF EITHER SIDE BEGINS TO “HIT BELOW THE BELT” OR ATTACK AREAS OF PERSONAL SENSITIVITY.
• HELP THEM CLARIFY WHEN THEY USE GENERALIZATIONS (NEVER OR ALWAYS).
• DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED IF THE PROBLEM IS NOT IMMEDIATELY RESOLVED.
• SET A TIME TO COME BACK AND REVISIT THE ISSUE. ALERT YOUR SUPERVISOR AND ASK FOR HELP!
13. RESOLUTIONS
• WIN-WIN: ASK EACH INDIVIDUAL WHAT THEY BOTH WANT? CHOOSE THE BEST OPTION POSSIBLE.
• TIME-LIMITED COMPROMISE COMMITMENT (TLC COMMITMENT): IF WIN-WIN DOES NOT WORK – ASK
THEM TO CHOOSE A COMPROMISE AND PUT A TIME-LIMIT ON IT. LET THEM CHOOSE THE TIME (DAYS,
WEEKS, SEMESTER) AND THE AGREEABLE COMPROMISE.
• RECOMMEND SETTING UP ANOTHER MEETING TIME TO REVISIT SITUATION.
• ADDITIONAL ALTERNATIVE: IF WIN-WIN AND TLC DO NOT WORK, WHAT IS THE BEST ALTERNATIVE
SOLUTION?
15. PROGRESSION #1
• YOU’VE HELD YOUR 2ND COMMUNITY GATHERING AND
INTRODUCED ROOMMATE AGREEMENTS TO YOUR
RESIDENTS.
• YOU ARE WALKING INTO YOUR BUILDING WHEN YOU
RECEIVE A TEXT FROM TAYLOR, ONE OF YOUR
RESIDENTS.
17. •TAYLOR EXPLAINS THAT KENDALL COMES HOME LATE ALMOST EVERY NIGHT, AFTER
TAYLOR HAS GONE TO BED. KENDALL TURNS ON THE LIGHTS AND MAKES A LOT OF NOISE
IN THE ROOM. KENDALL ALSO TYPES LOUDLY ON THE LAPTOP WHILE TAYLOR IS TRYING
TO SLEEP. TAYLOR SAYS THAT KENDALL’S BEHAVIOR IS IMPACTING TAYLOR’S ABILITY TO
REST. TAYLOR HAS BEEN LATE TO MORNING CLASSES RECENTLY. WHEN TAYLOR
BROUGHT THE SUBJECT UP, KENDALL BRUSHED IT OFF SAYING, “IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL -
OUR SLEEP SCHEDULES ARE DIFFERENT. WHY DO YOU GO TO BED SO EARLY ANYWAY -
ARE YOU FIVE? CAN’T YOU GET SOME EARPLUGS? THEY SELL THEM IN THE BOOKSTORE.”
18. • YOU SET UP A TIME TO MEET WITH KENDALL. “TAYLOR GOES TO BED SUPER EARLY, LIKE 9:30PM. I
DON’T GET HOME FROM MEETINGS OR STUDYING UNTIL 11:00PM EACH NIGHT. I ALREADY GO TO THE
LIBRARY OR RUSSELL HOUSE TO STUDY SO I DON’T BOTHER TAYLOR. WHEN I COME IN, I HAVE TO TURN
ON THE LIGHTS SO I CAN SEE WHAT I’M DOING. TAYLOR MAKES SUCH A FUSS ABOUT IT, LIKE HUFFING
AND PUFFING, AND IS TOTALLY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. I’M NOT READY TO GO TO BED AT 11:00PM, SO I
DO SOME WORK OR WATCH NETFLIX ON MY LAPTOP WITH MY EARBUDS IN.”
• “WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO TIP-TOE AROUND MY ROOMMATE WHEN I ALSO LIVE HERE? I SUGGESTED
THAT TAYLOR BUY EARPLUGS AND A SLEEPING MASK. TAYLOR’S NICE AND WE GET ALONG FOR THE
MOST PART, BUT I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL WEIRD EVEN BEING IN THE ROOM WITH
TAYLOR BECAUSE OF THE TENSION. TAYLOR GETS SUCH AN ATTITUDE ABOUT IT WHEN I TRY TO BRING
IT UP – HOW CAN WE FIX IT IF WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT? WE DIDN’T FILL OUT A ROOMMATE
AGREEMENT BECAUSE WE THOUGHT THINGS WOULD BE FINE, BUT CLEARLY WE WERE WRONG.”
19. GUIDANCE
• ISSUES SEEM TO BE RELATED TO AWARENESS OF OTHERS
• DIFFERENCES IN SCHEDULES AND PREFERENCES
• NEGATIVE IMPACTS TO ACADEMIC PROGRESS & RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ROOMMATES
• COMMUNICATION ISSUES (PASSIVE AGGRESSION, AVOIDANCE, ETC.)
• HEAR BOTH ROOMMATES INDIVIDUALLY BEFORE BRINGING BOTH ROOMMATES TOGETHER
• AVOID THE APPEARANCE OF BIAS OR “TAKING SIDES”
• SEEK TO UNDERSTAND THE ISSUES OCCURRING AND THE IMPACT ON EACH ROOMMATE
• GAUGE HOW WILLING THE PARTIES ARE TO FIND A SOLUTION WITH YOUR HELP
20. •AFTER GATHERING INFORMATION FROM BOTH TAYLOR & KENDALL, YOU
ARRANGE A TIME TO MEET AND DISCUSS THE ROOMMATE AGREEMENT.
21. GUIDANCE
• BEFORE MEETING WITH THE ROOMMATES, ASK THEM TO REFLECT IN ADVANCE OF THE MEETING. BELOW
ARE SOME SAMPLE REFLECTION QUESTIONS:
• WHAT ARE THE MOST PRESSING ISSUES IN THE ROOM YOU WANT TO ADDRESS?
• WHAT IMPACT IS THE PROBLEM HAVING ON YOU?
• WHAT CAN YOU BOTH DO TO IMPROVE THE SITUATION IN THE ROOM?
• WHAT SOLUTIONS CAN YOU THINK OF THAT WILL BENEFIT BOTH OF YOU?
• IF FACILITATING A ROOMMATE AGREEMENT/CONTRACT, HELP THE ROOMMATES SET GROUND RULES FOR
THE CONVERSATION. USING “I STATEMENTS” CAN BE CRITICAL.
• I FEEL _______ WHEN _________ BECAUSE _________. WHAT I NEED/WANT IS ____________.
• GIVING THE “I STATEMENTS” ACTIVITY SHEET TO RESIDENTS AS PART OF THE REFLECTION CAN BE HELPFUL!
• SET A SPECIFIC AMOUNT OF TIME TO FOLLOW-UP WITH THE ROOMMATES AFTER THE CONTRACT HAS BEEN
COMPLETED (1 WEEK, 2 WEEKS, ETC). THIS GIVES TIME FOR THE CHANGE TO OCCUR.
22. •A WEEK GOES BY, AND YOU CHECK IN WITH BOTH
ROOMMATES TO FIND OUT HOW THINGS ARE GOING.
THE ROOMMATES ARE GETTING ALONG WELL,
COMMUNICATING IF ISSUES ARISE, AND ARE
ADJUSTING TO EACH OTHER’S SCHEDULES.
23. GUIDANCE
• SOMETIMES, NEW ISSUES CAN ARISE WITHIN ROOMS THAT HAVE A ROOMMATE CONTRACT/AGREEMENT
• AS RESIDENTS SETTLE INTO THE SEMESTER, THEY ADOPT A ROUTINE AND MAY NEGLECT ELEMENTS OF THE
AGREEMENT THEY HAVE SET
• ENCOURAGE RESIDENTS TO POST THEIR AGREEMENT SOMEWHERE VISIBLE IN THE ROOM AS A REMINDER
• ENCOURAGE RESIDENTS TO CHECK-IN WITH EACH OTHER EVERY TWO WEEKS ON THE STATUS OF THE
AGREEMENT/ROOMMATE RELATIONSHIP
24. •ANOTHER WEEK GOES BY, AND KENDALL STOPS BY YOUR ROOM TO
TALK. KENDALL STATES THAT TAYLOR’S PARTNER HAS BEEN VISITING
THE ROOM OFTEN AND STAYING OVERNIGHT FOR DAYS AT A TIME. THE
LAST TIME THE PARTNER VISITED, THEY STAYED FOR A WEEK. THE
PARTNER’S PRESENCE IS MAKING KENDALL UNCOMFORTABLE.
TENSION IS BUILDING IN THE ROOM, AND THE ROOMMATES ARE NOT
SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER. YOUR BUILDING HAS PLAN D VISITATION.
25. •YOU ARRANGE A TIME TO TALK TO TAYLOR ONE-ON-ONE. TAYLOR ADMITS THAT
THEIR PARTNER, HARPER, HAS BEEN STAYING IN THE ROOM. HARPER ALSO LIVES
ON CAMPUS AND IS HAVING ISSUES WITH THEIR ROOMMATE, WHICH IS WHY
THEY’VE BEEN VISITING SO OFTEN. YOU EXPLAIN THE VISITATION POLICY. TAYLOR
HAS NOTICED THAT KENDALL IS STAYING IN THE ROOM LESS AND AVOIDING
INTERACTIONS WITH TAYLOR. TAYLOR SAYS THAT THEY HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT
WHAT’S GOING ON. TAYLOR ASKS FOR YOUR HELP FACILITATING A CONVERSATION
WITH KENDALL.
27. MEDIATION STEPS
• INTRODUCTION: THE MEDIATOR INTRODUCES THEMSELVES AND EXPLAINS THEIR PURPOSE. THE GROUND RULES ARE
LAID OUT - - PEER MEDIATION IS NEUTRAL AND CONFIDENTIAL.
• GATHERING INFORMATION: EACH DISPUTANT EXPLAINS HIS/HER SIDE OF THE STORY.
• BRAINSTORMING IDEAS: THE DISPUTANTS THINK OF IDEAS TO RESOLVE THEIR CONFLICT.
• SOLUTIONS: THE DISPUTANTS CHOOSE THE BEST OPTIONS AMONG THE BRAINSTORMED IDEAS AS POSSIBLE
SOLUTIONS.
• WRITING AN AGREEMENT: THE DISPUTANTS AGREE TO A PARTICULAR SOLUTION IN WRITING, AND BOTH SIGN THE
AGREEMENT. PARTICIPANTS AGREE ON A TIME TO RE-VISIT THE AGREEMENT AND PROGRESS.
28. •PRIOR TO THE MEETING, YOU ENCOURAGE KENDALL & TAYLOR TO REVIEW THE ROOMMATE
AGREEMENT, IDENTIFY THE TOP ISSUES OF CONCERN, LIST OUT HOW THE ISSUES ARE
AFFECTING THEM, AND BRING 1-2 POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS THAT BENEFIT BOTH PARTIES TO
YOUR MEETING.
•YOU REVIEW THE ROOMMATE AGREEMENT BEFORE THE MEETING:
•TAYLOR & KENDALL’S AGREEMENT STATES THAT “WE SHOULD GIVE EACH OTHER A HEADS
UP. ROOMMATES CAN STAY FOR HOWEVER LONG , AS LONG AS IT’S OK WITH BOTH OF
US.”
29. •AFTER THE MEDIATION, YOU CHECK IN WITH KENDALL & TAYLOR AS YOU AGREED TO DO.
BOTH REPORT THAT THE TENSION IN THE ROOM HAS DECREASED AND HARPER HAS NOT
STAYED PAST THE AGREED UPON TIMEFRAME (OR PAST WHAT IS ALLOWED BY POLICY). YOU
MAKE A POINT TO CHECK IN WEEKLY WITH BOTH KENDALL & TAYLOR, AND YOU KEEP YOUR
SUPERVISOR INFORMED OF THEIR PROGRESS. YOU FILE ANY DOCUMENTATION NEEDED FOR
YOUR SUPERVISOR.
30. HELPFUL RESOURCES
• MEDIATION TIPS
• HTTPS://STUDENTAFFAIRS.DUKE.EDU/NODE/1833
• KNOW THAT IT MAY TAKE MORE THAN ONE MEDIATION TO ACHIEVE POSITIVE CHANGE.
• IF PARTIES ARE NOT WILLING TO MEDIATE, INVOLVE YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Think of building a house. Building a house starts with a solid foundation. A house must also have strong walls, a solid roof, well-placed windows, and doors for access. But without a solid foundation, a house will not stand.
is about what it takes to be believable and authentic as a leader. These qualities establish your credibility, the foundation of leadership. Credibility begins with leaders being clear about the values you hold, and ends with consistently aligning your actions with your values.
Leaders must do the internal work necessary to be clear on what they believe in and stand for. You must find ways to articulate your values in a personal and unique way. You must find your voice because this is what allows others to see you as a genuine and believable leader.
Everyone has values that form the foundation of who they are. The choices we make every day reflect the values we hold. Living life in a way that aligns with these stated values creates a foundation for trust. To be consistent in this way requires that leaders know themselves, what they care about, and what they believe in. This starts with clarifying your values.
Emphasize that there is no single list of personal values when it comes to leadership; what matters is being clear about what your values are and sharing them with others. To believe in your leadership, people need to understand what you value and stand for – this builds your authenticity and credibility.
Credibility is the foundation of every effective leader-constituent relationship. It is earned over time and occurs only when leaders repeatedly act in ways that align with the values they hold. Without that alignment, it is hard for others to believe in you as a leader. Once a leader loses credibility with those you hope to lead, it is very difficult to regain it.
